It's been two years since he left. No discussion. He just decided he loved the OW and had to be with her. When I asked to go to counseling together he told me he would only go to end the marriage.<p>Basically, there was no stopping him. I hurt so much I thought I was going to die.<p>I have read so much on this board about people re-building. I really don't think I would want to at this point but I can't help but wonder WHY he wouldn't try to save our marriage. Of course, he did all of the crazy FOG talk. Like, "I've never loved you, I'm in love with her, You and I have never had a meaningful conversation...." He came out of this "fog" last summer and actually attempted to apologize. But, within a week he had a new girlfriend and was back in yet another "fog". He's nice to me when he doesn't have a girlfriend (that's quite rare) and turns into a monster and a liar as soon as someone new enters the picture.<p>I can't help but wonder why I ended up in this teeny tiny percentage where the husband NEVER once wanted to come back -- even if it was just to try.<p>Any ideas or advice for me. I'm hurting again today.<p>Love,
BB

Hi BB - I'm sorry I don't have an answer. Actually, I have the same question. This was the motivation for my MB name. In short, my former wife went to one counseling session very early on in the affair where she denied any involvement with OM and to this day, almost two years into it, still denies she had/is having an affair. <p>I don't know how teeny tiny this percentage is, but it is frustrating to read of all the WSs who at least give it a go.<p>My conclusion is that these types must be the extreme cases. They are SO consumed with themselves or something that they dispense totally and permanently with all logic - suggesting the presence, perhaps, of a personality disorder or mental block that prevents them from even considering alternative decisions.<p>It might be interesting to compare notes on the characteristics of our WSs. Tell me if your is:<p>a perfectionist?
concerned with self image a bit too much?
has a family history that includes mental illness?
experienced a life crisis?
is middle aged?<p>I could go on and on, but perhaps you get the picture.

You bring up some good points, WAT. <p>No, my ex isn't a perfectionist. <p>Yes, he's totally consumed with his image as well as his girlfriends.<p>There is depression and alcoholism in his family. He is a recovering alchoholic as well as a workaholic. He becomes addicted to his relationships and then once reality sets in (usually fairly soon) he loses interest, finds fault with his current partner and moves on to the next.<p>
Mid-life crisis? Hmmmm....we were only married for 5 years and he was just 34 when he left so I'm not really sure about that one.<p>And....last but not least...
He was totally abandoned by his father when he was 12 years old. His dad left without warning for another woman (just like my husband) and rarely showed up for his kids. When he did, he treated his son like a peer. No emotional connection whatsoever. His Mother let him get away with anything and everything. There weren't consequences. That's exactly why he has this sense of entitlement. He has a hard time understanding why I was so upset over his affair and our divorce. He still looks at it as a "favor" he has done for me. Give me a break! This is so hard!<p>I like your theory of the possibility of a personality disorder. That certainly makes some sense. Oh, and the mental block too! I know for a fact that he shuts down and blocks any kind of trauma out of his life. He did that when his Dad left. I think he couldn't take the pain and had to shut off his emotions. He says he can't remember any of his childhood. Pretty sad.<p>Anyway, thanks for your response. <p>Love,
BB

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
Tell me if your is:<p>a perfectionist?
concerned with self image a bit too much?
has a family history that includes mental illness?
experienced a life crisis?
is middle aged?<p>I could go on and on, but perhaps you get the picture.[/QB]<hr></blockquote>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BurningBright:
<strong>There is depression and alcoholism in his family. He is a recovering alchoholic as well as a workaholic. He becomes addicted to his relationships and then once reality sets in (usually fairly soon) he loses interest, finds fault with his current partner and moves on to the next.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yep. My former wife was raised by an alcoholic mother who became a Rx drug addict. XW's a workaholic. Type A personality. Isn't happy unless she's unhappy. I also now get the sense that our early relationship was just an addiction for her. High energy fun and excitement - and escape from her small town. Her two sisters always said that that time of her life was the happiest they'd seen her. She married a high school sweetheart - the homecoming Queen and the football star - which lasted only a short while. I was next. Terrific early years, then children and reality. The majority of our marriage was dysfunctional - she was emotionally detached. Of course, our son's illness was concurrent. I consciously chose not to try to fix two problems at the same time. In hindsight, I guess it's amazing we lasted as long as we did - probably because of our boys.<p>Dave

See, I don't even understand how these people end up married. I knew what I was getting into and I loved him. He was the one. I feel as if I was just a game for him - you know, play house, have kids, wife at home taking care of the kids..... As soon as that got old he was gone without any explanation except "I don't love you. I don't think I even like you". Great!<p>And, how can people shut down and detach so easily. He just doesn't care. Never has, never will. This is what hurts so much. He just called to speak to the kids and I had to ask him about therapy that we were doing together (separate times, same therapist). Well, I found out today that he has stopped going to all therapy. He just said it was too expensive and he needed a break. Well, hell! He just spent a week skiing in the Canadian Rockies! And, that wasn't a cheap vacation.<p>Ugggghhhhh!!!!!! I am so disgusted.<p>Love,
BB

Well, BB, at least yours TRIED therapy. Mine "didn't need any."<p>Dave

Dear **BB**<p>Have you ever done a search on "narcissistic personality disorder? One of the KEY elements is a pervasive sense of entitlement because he/she believes himself truely special and unique ... beyond the usual notion of being unique and worthy of love.<p>I don't know if exploring this would help you resolve YOUR pain, or not ..... but, if you sense that he has some sort of narciccistic personality leanings ... then you might have some peace knowing there was not much YOU could have done differently.<p>What does your XH do for a living?<p>Pepper

The therapy we were in was to deal solely with issues around the children. He tends to not know what the real needs of the kids are and was taking them around girlfriends too soon. While he was in therapy, he began to focus on the importance of quality time with his children. He's right back to where he was before though. You are right. At least he tried but now he says he's cured! He hasn't a clue. He has barely touched the tip of the iceberg!<p>Take care. I'm just enraged tonight. I hope I will truly be over this one day.<p>Love,
BB

PEPPER!!!! So good to hear from you. You know what? From the beginning of all of this crap I could see some serious narcisstic behavior. I am definitely going to do a search on this. My therapist has told me over and over again that from what I tell her (and I truly am so honest in therapy) he sounds extremely narcissistic.<p>Get this! You asked what he does for a living? He is in ADVERTISING and MARKETING! Many advertising guys working on Madison Avenue are total A**HOLES! Believe me, I've met many of them through my ex. They think they are just the hottest of the hot! Yuck!!!!<p>Thanks Pepper. I'm off to do that search. I don't know why I am having such a terrible time all of a sudden.<p>Love,
BB

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>[b] ..... but, if you sense that he has some sort of narciccistic personality leanings ... then you might have some peace knowing there was not much YOU could have done differently.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>ditto<p>Narcicism or not, this thought is a big part of MY recovery.<p>Disclaimer: I truely love my former wife. I do not think she's a bad person - just the result of her inherited baggage and the unlucky hand we were dealt as parents. I hope to someday re-establish a friendship with her. I just can't do it right now, so soon. In contrast, OM is pond scum.<p>Dave