It keeps getting better. Last nite was uneventful until I was in shower and my wife came into bathroom and said "How ya doin?" I said I feel like we are moving at a snail's pace. She got real angry and defensive with "You want everything now, now, now. You have to be patient. Etc."<p>I didn't pursue conversation after shower but she did, very bitter words, very argumentative. Finally I stopped her by saying that if we cannot have a compassionate 2-way conversation of give and take, we cannot communicate. I said that I was expressing a simple feeling- that we are moving very slow-and that I desire a more radical recovery. I then told her that there is significant pain still-that this was a radical blow to our love that requires radical treatment. That I still hurt very much-that I think about the fact that another man has made love to her more in the last two months than I have in the last 8 months-that he has seen more laughter-more compassion-more love-than me, etc.<p>She immediately softened up and said she was sorry. She then held me tight and kissed me goodnight.<p>HERES THE KICKER!!! This morning I found a warm loving message on my work voicemail when I came in. I called my wife and she told me that I have to understand that she is dealing with alot of guilt over what she has done, and feels alot of remorse and everytime I remind her of it, it makes her feels worse. She asked if we could just please enjoy each other for a while without dwelling on the past-that we will talk about it eventually but right now she just wants to be with me and enjoy me-that she loves me and wants to fall in love with me all over again.<p>I couldn't believe it. This is the first time since D-Day that she ever used the words guilt and remorse! She also told me that she hardly talks to OM at all anymore. I asked her how he could possibly accept that (based on all his previous words and actions) and she said he has told her to "do what she needs to do". She also said "it is not as big a deal as you make it".<p>So-progress is being made. I need to learn to bite my tongue. My wife is opening up more and more and somehow God is bringing her back to me.<p>"The waiting is the hardest part!"<p>God Bless.<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57<p>[ March 13, 2002: Message edited by: Boppo57 ]</p>

You are sooooo getting IT!<p>I am happy for you and proud of you!<p>Prayers for continued progress...<p>Cali [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Yes Boppo,<p> Bite your tongue. You are making such good progress. You need to take it slow and let it happen. No it is not an easy thing. But good things come to those who wait....<p> I am very happy for you man. <p> Remember, that nothing you do will change that past she mentioned. It happened. She is making progress and everytime you bring up any of it, it will get harder for her to get to where she is right now. Take it from me. Lose the past if at all possible. You cannot be happy as long as you hold it so close.<p> Happy for you B.<p> jd

Boppo,<p>It sounds like good progress is being made and I think not talking to her about this now is good. However, I do think she needs to KNOW that until she will talk with you about it, and until she can PROVE to you that OM is out of the picture, you will not recover. In fact, resentment will build on your part. <p>Yes, she needs to feel comfortable and safe with you, BUT you need to feel comfortable and safe with her as well. So realize that recovery sort of happens in steps: first her some, then you some, then her some, ... <p>But, eventually she is going to have to face her guilt and remorse and talk with you or it will end up undermining all of this. I know you know this and I know you need to have these things resolved.<p>The delicate issue is when and who goes first? My guess is that you need her to fall in love again and recommit first. However, if you two do have a discussion, she needs to know that you will require her help as well. It isn't going to be a "gee I'm sorry, let's move on" type of deal. It never is.<p>So, listen to what all have posted to you. Realize, you need to defer your need to heal until the marriage is on stronger grounds, and that requires she needs to heal first.<p>Hope something I said helps. Congrats, you are doing a good job.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Just to give a little insight into what you W might be thinking - as I was there over 4 years ago. I was selfish to the core and had absolutely no insight as to what my H may have been feeling. I was so consumed with my own swarming tornado in my brain.<p>I was VERY conscious of my H prior to the A and could see if something bothered him. But after the A, I couldn't see a thing. So the word "Fog" says it all so perfectly. He too had to tell me about his pain, straight out, because my ESP that I used to have towards his body language took a vacation for a long time.<p>Definitely baby steps. There is no faster way. There is no pain-free way through this as well. This was a big step and then you may rollercoaster back down, then up, then down. This went on for a couple of years with us and NOW we are getting down to the nitty gritty.

It sounds like you have some very positive things coming your way! Hang in there!<p>When I was trying the recovery thing, there was one issue we always ended up getting stuck on.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I have to understand that she is dealing with alot of guilt over what she has done, and feels alot of remorse and everytime I remind her of it, it makes her feels worse<hr></blockquote><p>I kept getting stuck here. It is so hard when we BS's want so much for things to be back to normal, but we have so many questions and triggers. And it was so hard for me to see that he was hurt too. How could he be hurt? He was the one that strayed?! Well, my ending was not happy, so please listen to your wife, and remember that she needs to get some things worked out, then hopefully things between you guys will be better than you could ever imagine.<p>Elizabeth

Sounds just like my W and I. I am learning that to talk about the As only leads to trouble. As soon as I bring something up she immediately becomes very quiet, almost crowling into her hole, and then often she becomes very defensive and then angry usually leading to an arguement and hurt feelings on both parts. I know now that I should only bring it up if something really bothers me and after really thinking about wheather it is of importance or if it will help me out in getting past a road block that I am having a hard time getting past. <p>good luck

Here's just a suggestion. It's been working for us. For about 3 mo. after D-Day, I brought up his A over and over, at all times of the day, etc. He finally began to be distressed about having to constantly rehash it especially since it seemed to come up often in our most intimate moments. <p>SSSOOO, What we decided to do is limit our discussion of the OW and the A to 1 hour a day - NOT at bedtime when intimacy between us is high. Usually about 1 hour after he gets home since he sees her every day at work. He tells me about any interaction he's had with her, I give feedback. I ask questions about his feelings towards her etc. during this time. We still discuss our marriage and such at anytime. But this way she is not always being admitted into our time together. <p>You might be surprised how many questions you decide NOT to ask when you have to file them back and save them for your "talk time." At the moment you think of them they may seem important, but as the day goes on, you decide that they aren't. <p>His part of the agreement is to always answer me honestly and with patience even if I've asked the same question 199 times! You may not be to the point of making this arrangement yet, but it might be something you can shoot for. Good Luck.