Hi. new here. been looking for some advice on a few issues. I'll try to be quick. She was unfaithful once. didn't happen at a good time for us (does it ever??- there were issues on both sides...) but its over now and we have been trying to overcome it and our other issues. actually been doing pretty well.
One thing that repeatedly bothers me is that we will be in the middle of making love and something just clicks in me. I feel pain/sadness/dissapointment in her, and its just like somebody stole the wind right out from behind my sail.
I just don't want to continue... our sex life used to be amazing: love, trust, intimacy, lust, passion, adventure -totally amazing. I have been sort of forcing myself to continue to the finish each time, but she must sense that it is not as it used to be for me. We never do it more than once anymore (we used to quite often), and I must feel distant to her, both during and afterward.
This same phenomenon shows up in other non-sexual areas of our relationship too. I just don't see her the same way. She seems fine -and we love eachother very much -it seems like if I could just get my head over it or through it, this and so many other aspects of our relationship would be ok -or at least be free to continue improving.
I feel self-concsious asking. -it seems this might be an odd phenomenon among men... its not so much impotence - its more hurt, and a lack of desire for her... -and thus a lack of sex drive in general and other general motivation for the relationship. Its like knowing she's been with someone else has made me not want her anymore. -and yet I still feel as if I love her and want to not feel this way anymore.
She's tried to initiate more often and be more aggressive. That used to make me into a sexual madman but now it actually makes those feelings worse. -actually sometimes thats what triggers it. In the middle of sex, things will be going well and she will begin to respond and be more aggressive but instead of driving me mad it kills it.
Am I the only man to ever feel that?

Sorry, female here. But I wanted to tell you that my H experienced the same thing. Are you talking about these triggers with your W?<p>Communication is the key. You'll see many threads just like this one, that so many BS's go through the same thing. A couple of threads in particular, were having great success by keeping the light on during sex. That way they were looking into each other's eyes. In another thread, a BS woke up his W whenever he was having a rough nights sleep, or dreams about the A. They would discuss what was going through his mind and she would hold him.<p>In each scenerio, both spouses were using the "Open & Honest" approach to get through the healing. It is painful, no matter what route you take, but the communication in itself will make the triggers fade over time.<p>I want to be involved in the triggers that my H is experiencing. I caused them, so I want them to affect me too, vs. him handling them all alone. We can't get through this alone. It is entirely too big.<p>Also, the survival books on infidelity address this topic and have some very good tips too. If your W is willing to read them too, fabulous. My H and I are in IC and MC. He is able to vent some of his triggers in these sessions, if he is uncomfortable, one on one for with me.<p>This isn't easy and I'm sorry that you are another casualty in this mess. I'm so blown over by how many people are affected by A's. Misery loves company and you've come to a great site to get you through the rough patches.<p>Welcome to MB!

I'm a woman too, but I'll throw my 2 cent in. I think you may be making a mistake by forcing yourself to continue after the thoughts cross your mind. My WH and I were kissing going down the road one night, and it triggered a memory. So I quit kissing him, he asked why, and I told him. He said he was sorry, that he wasn't thinking about the OW, and that we'd pick up where we left off at a later time. You are probably only deepening your agony by forcing yourself to "finish" in the face of your pain. Talk to her about this BEFORE your next lovemaking session. Don't wait until the heat of the moment. It will be more stressful then. Explain to her that you DO want the marriage to work, you DO want your old love life back and you DO love her. But explain to her that when the pain begins is not always in your control and that you may have to stop WHATEVER you are doing and regroup. Maybe 30 minutes after stopping you'll be collected and ready to go again having addressed the pain and let it go, especially if she'll hold and caress you in your moments of pain.