Hello everyone,<p>First off, I absolutely love Marriagebuilders and have the book by Dr. Harley..bought it a few years ago. I am 36 years old and have been married for 13 years. We have a 14 year old son (yes, we were not married when our son was born) and an 11 year old daughter. I met my husband when I was 19. His mother did not and does not like me at all and never will. She is extremely narcisistic and the world revolves around her...I took her son away from her, therefore I am the enemy. She has done some horrible things to me over the years and my husband has done little, if anything to defend me. <p>My husband is a very passive sort of person. He is very uncommunicative. My father did not want me to marry him because of the way his mother treated me, but, my mom said we should try because we had a child together. Both of my parents are gone now and I don't have any family left except for a brother. I am VERY unhappy in this marriage but am trying to stick with it for my kids. I have bought SO many books to try to make us happy together, including Dr. Harley's. I try to talk to my husband about what is missing, etc., but, he just won't open up at all. I show him the books and I don't do it in a way that is accusatory or mean, etc., I do it in a way that says "Look we both need to work on our marriage to keep it running strong..", but, the more I try, the more he pulls away. I think he resents me implying that he is doing anything wrong or something, I don't know.<p>In the meantime, yes, I do have feelings for someone else. I have for many years. Never been intimate, just a friendship. We lost contact for several years until I contacted him about 3 years ago. He is married too, but, almost divorced a few years back. He had an affair with someone else before me (I know, sounds like I picked a real winner huh?). Anyway, we keep breaking contact with each other, then re-establishing contact, and on and on and on. Recently, he confessed that he loves me. This is the first time he has ever told me that. I am having an ever-increasingly difficult time resisting him with my husband not being willing to do a damned thing to work on our marriage. I would of never married my husband in the first place if there hadn't of been a baby involved. <p>I feel like there is absolutely nothing in this marriage now. His family hates me, he is totally cold to me, our children are older now, he apparently doesn't think it is worth working on... what's the point? I know it would still hurt my kids if I left, that's all. Plus, my religious beliefs are against divorce. Guess I am just confused and rambling, sorry.<p>Anyway, nice to meet you all and hope to get to know you!

I've been there in a similar situation. But, I will tell you that having an A is not the answer to your problems. It will only compound your life ten-fold.<p>You need to reconcile the M FIRST and foremost before pursuing someone else. This may even mean no longer being with your H eventually. I don't know, I'm not in your household to make such a judgement.<p>I wish I had reached out like you are, before I took it over the line. I didn't solve a single thing by having the A. It just took me away from my problems temporarily. Those same problems were still there when the A ended and then I made them 1000x worse because I had the A.<p>I know you've said that you H will not talk about your M with you. How about telling him that things have become so bad, that you've been tempted to see someone else? I don't know if this will get his attention, but at least you are being open & honest with him. Lastly, I would strongly recommend individual counseling. This has done me a world of good.<p>It doesn't sound like your H will be willing to go to marriage counseling, but you can go to individual counseling on your own. You need to find strength within yourself vs. trying to find something in someone else. The OM will not be able to fix your problems. ONLY YOU CAN.<p>If you need to talk further, see my signature line. Bravo for coming here, before taking it too far. I wish so much, that I had reached out when I came to the same type of stage in my marriage back then.

Ws
All I can say is listen to Kim I have seen her offer some exellent advise on this subject. I can't tell you how many stories I've read about WS's that end up with the OP and end up in the same boat as they did with their BS and regret losing their BS, it's so repetitive. Lust is blind and right now it seems like you are at a point in your life where you need more than you've got. Think about it, this situation has all of the makings of a romance novel. My lost love I gave up, Destiny brought us back together, My true soul mate ETC. I'm sure it can be powerful stuff given the current state of your marriage.<p> Plus, my religious beliefs are against divorce.<p>Are they for Adultrey?<p>Work on your marriage and if you reach a point where you have tried everything in your power and you decide to move on. You will do it with your head held high knowing that you did all that you can do with integrity.

I have been both the BS and the WS and I can tell you that it is a lose lose proposistion. The pain of being a BS is something you could never understand until it happens to you.It will hurt the kids a lot too. Nobody deserves that, not even your husband. He is not intentionally trying to hurt you he's just doing what he's doing out of ignorance because he doesn't know any better. That puts the ball in your court. If after all is said and done you can't get through his wall it is then your choice to move on but even then I would reccomend finding yourself first before you rush into anything else.<p>I agree with Kim that maybe you need to tell your husband about your feeling for the OM. Maybe he needs a wake up call. It's sad but it does take a tragedy to wake some people up ( I've been their myself)<p>Good Luck

Perhaps if you had tried a seperation before you aquired feelings for another you could have waken your husband up. Who knows? <p> I don't care what he is, was, has done or hasn't done. Do not have an affair. Divorce him first. <p> Please do not crush his spirit by having an affair.<p> jd

I agree with the above posters.<p>Figure out YOUR marriage without involving any more factors. You went from your parents to your husband...and now to another?<p>Maybe you should try with your husband but if that is not working...then try just being you!<p>The grass is NOT greener on the other side...make sure you finish what you started!

Hi again all...<p>I totally agree with your responses to my post. My aim is to try to hang on until my kids are pretty much grown and then tell my husband that I want out of this marriage now that we have fufilled our obligations to our children. I do not intend to leave this marriage for another man.<p>The OM is confusing me though and I guess that is why I was searching for someone to talk to. As I mentioned, he had an A before. When I contacted him recently, he told me that he had cheated on his wife before and it is definitly NOT worth all the trouble it causes and that friends is all he and I can ever be. I know that he wishes it could be more, but, he has told me it is not worth the trouble for either one of us and we are both better off not letting anything happen. Ok, fine...I agree. Yet, each time I let a few months go by without contacting him, why does he contact me? Why won't he let me go? Is he going through withdrawl? If he knows better than anyone that affairs are more trouble than they are worth, why did he strike up this EA with me to begin with? Why did he tell me he loves me a few weeks ago in an ecard?<p>Again, with my husband's coldness toward me, it is very difficult for me to stick to my guns with this. Individual counceling is definitly looking better and better for me, I have been thinking about if for quite some time. Just wanted to share my thoughts with those of you that have been in my shoes. Thanks for listening and I will be here often! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

wswoman,<p>You said <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I totally agree with your responses to my post. My aim is to try to hang on until my kids are pretty much grown and then tell my husband that I want out of this marriage now that we have fufilled our obligations to our children. I do not intend to leave this marriage for another man.<hr></blockquote><p>Flawed thinking here WSW. You should be talking to your H about how you feel, about all of your issues. You should do it now. Hanging on for the children almost guarentees that your marriage will fail. You are right you should not leave it for another man, but you can leave because of YOUR MAN.<p>He needs to know that you are thinking of divorcing him if things don't change. IC would very likely help you address your issues and address how to better communicate with your H. I am not saying it is your fault but so far you have failed to find a way to reach your H, and perhaps a counselor can help.<p>As for the OM, watch out. I think you need to take his advice and then tell him NO MORE CONTACT, PERIOD. I realize this will be hard for you and apparently harder for him, but remember no matter how much he knows about affairs, he has already breached his marriage and apparently he has no trouble contacting you.<p>So do yourself and your H a hugh favor. Work on the marriage now, don't be a walk away W and then have him posting here, WHAT HAPPENED???<p>It happens here all of the time.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My aim is to try to hang on until my kids are pretty much grown and then tell my husband that I want out of this marriage now that we have fufilled our obligations to our children. <hr></blockquote><p>I agree to some extent on this statement and then disagree on the other hand. What type of example are you and your H setting for your children, when the M sounds like it is in a stagnate state? On the other hand, we want our children to grow up in their home with both parents.<p>Our children tend to model their adult lives, based on their home life. If they are brought up in a home with no conversation, etc. and a mother that was unhappy, then what type of M will they have? See what I mean?<p>I know this is a lot of things for you to think about. If you go to an IC - great & fabulous. These type of issues will be brought up. For our children's sake, try to keep them away from dysfunction as much as possible.<p>Do what I say and not what I did, right? Wish I could have come up with this advice for myself a long time agao.

You may perceive he will not go or have an interest in seeing a counselor. I gave her that perception - but I would have gone in a second had she asked, that would have been a warning shot across my bow. <p>I too am thrilled to see you here - before you potentially make a decision that will cause pain to all.<p>Did you think about trying to setup an appointment with a counselor on a day and time you know he does not have an excuse of work, family, religon, whatever. See if he goes. If not, try another time. You don't ask, you'll always wonder.<p>You are fortunate, you have the opportunity to try to save your M before you cross the "line".

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wswoman:
<strong> When I contacted him recently, .....<p> Yet, each time I let a few months go by without contacting him, why does he contact me? <p>Why won't he let me go? <p>Is he going through withdrawl? <p>If he knows better than anyone that affairs are more trouble than they are worth, why did he strike up this EA with me to begin with? <p>Why did he tell me he loves me a few weeks ago in an ecard?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>As long as you initiate contact, you will continue to have contact.<p>He contacts you because you allow it.<p>He won't let you go because YOU don't let go.<p>You both go through withdrawal until one of you makes contact and sets the clock back to zero.<p>He struck up this EA with you because that's what he does and you allow it.<p>He told you he loves you in an Ecard because you have not blocked him from your mailbox.<p>How to end contact with someone who is a threat to the well-being of your M, your spouse, your children, and yourself:<p>1. Get real and make the decision that that is what you truly want.<p>2. Block your Emailbox.<p>3. Change your phone number or get Caller ID and/or an answering machine and screen your calls.<p>4. See who's at the door before answering it.<p>5. Throw anything that comes via USPS or other carrier from an uninvited source in the trash.<p>6. If all else fails, petition the courts for a restraining order.<p>It is not rocket science. I have never had a problem ending contact with someone I didn't want to have contact with. YOU alone are responsible for the continued contact. You can end it at any time with little effort or expense. It's a matter of decision. Your H's coldness may affect your feelings for your H, but it has nothing to do with what you DO.

I have told my WH before and after his A that if I EVER decide to have a relationship with another man, I will leave my marriage first. I told him to please do the same. (although he didn't). Are you ready to leave? If you aren't then why tangle with an affair? If you are, then leave. Then seek a new relationship. - not the other way around.

No contact tips please?<p>Thank you all for your input, even the more "tougher" posts. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] This has been going on for years, and believe me, my intention has been to leave this guy completely alone until/unless I am a SINGLE woman, and even then, I am not sure I want to immediately jump into a relationship.<p>I have bought tons of books of the self-help variety, I have made efforts to give myself less opportunities to see him in person (became a stay-at-home-mom), became more involved in my religion, etc., etc.<p>Yes, if I TRULY want to have NO CONTACT, I must block those emails from him. IN MY MIND, I know that. But, when my husband is being so damn cold to me, when I am crying every single day out of lonliness and desparation for someone to show they give a crap about me, well, the temptation is just too strong. Right or wrong, the temptation is there. All I can do is keep trying and failing I guess huh? I told the OM recently that we would talk when/if both of us were ever single. (I have actually said that several times) Then, I get a card from him saying he loves me...I shouldn't of even looked at it, but, I was weak.<p>My husband and I are thinking of moving away in the next couple of years...maybe then I will finally be free of this torment. <p>Any ideas and suggestions?

Hmmm. I think it is crucial you open a dialogue with your husband. To say that you are concerned with the state of your M. Start off by asking him what his feelings are, is he content with the way things are? Why is he acting so cold, has he always been this way? Maybe try to identify his ENs and Plan A him a bit, tell him you would like to have a closer marriage. I don't know if he's always been this way, or if things eroded over time. Try to approach him with respect and concern.

WSWoman -
I've been exactly where you are, I know. It hurts so much, doesn't it? The lure of the OM was very strong and I went with those feelings. I had an A. <p>What we are telling you is that we are catching you at just the right time. We are thrilled to death that you found this site, before going any further. The pain you are feeling because of your M situation is painful to the core - like I said, I've been there.<p>All we are saying is, to be careful of the "lure". It is very strong and allows you to run from the pain. But the thing of it is, the pain will always be there, and will not go away until you do something about it. Running away into the good feelings of an OM are just temporary. Even something like a card, it feels good, doesn't it? Even conversations over the internet, it pulls you in, I know.<p>You haven't had those type of emotional needs come your way in such a long time, so you can easily latch onto someone else who sends adoration your way.<p>Again, we are so glad you came here so that we can talk to you. We are desperate to try to prevent any other marriages, ending up the way ours has. What we are telling you about is the pain that happens, after the A. We just don't want to see you get to the place we are. <p>Bless you for looking out for yourself and your sanity. You are doing a tremendous thing - really - by telling your story!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wswoman:
<strong>No contact tips please?<p>But, when my husband is being so damn cold to me, when I am crying every single day out of lonliness and desparation for someone to show they give a crap about me, well, the temptation is just too strong. Right or wrong, the temptation is there. All I can do is keep trying and failing I guess huh? I told the OM recently that we would talk when/if both of us were ever single. (I have actually said that several times) Then, I get a card from him saying he loves me...I shouldn't of even looked at it, but, I was weak.<p>Any ideas and suggestions?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Note my #1 how-to above. The first step is to get real with yourself and what you truly want. Face it. And face only yourself, not the reflection of yourself in what your H is doing or not doing for you. Figure out who YOU ARE, and most important, who you WANT TO BE. Do you want to be a person who is deceptive, manipulative, selfish, unfaithful, cruel?<p>Just because you don't like who your husband is in relation to you does not mean you have to compromise who you are or who you want to be. If you decide to express yourself in deceptive, manipulative, selfish, unfaithful, and cruel ways in relation to others, it is a choice you make, not something forced upon you by the way your H relates to you.<p>You are not alone in your tears, loneliness, and desperation to feel loved. Many of us have lived those things and chose NOT to pursue another relationship. You've recognized your unmet needs, so you're already halfway there. You are well aware of your weaknesses, so there is no excuse of "it just happened". Those who have affairs are those who fail to protect themselves, their partner, and their M against their own weaknesses. The temptation is not "too strong". You are choosing to be weak.<p>With resolve can come action, but also, action can help reinforce resolve. In addition to the steps I listed above, one of the best ways to accomplish no contact is to request your H's help with it.<p>We really don't know how much of your H's coldness toward you is due to his perception of your emotional abandonment of him. What might he be telling us about how he feels? Marriage is a system, so your behaviors affect each other. With the books you've read, you probably already know this, but the ways you relate to each other can become a reinforcing cycle: W does A, and H does B in reaction, which prompts more A from W and then more B from H and on and on and on until gridlock.<p>As long as you are enmeshed in this dance and deciding who you are based upon who your H is or how your H relates to you, the cycle will remain the same. It is when you step away and look inside yourself, to your "core of consciousness" as Dr. Phil calls it, that you will break the cycle and be who you want to be and construct a lifestyle that will support the type of relationship you want to have.<p>The courageous, most growth-enhancing and intimacy-producing thing to do is to disclose your R with the OM to your H and ask for his help in ending contact with the OM for life as well as working together to rebuild your M with the rules of protection, care, time, and honesty.