I was reading another thread and this subject came up and it made me curious.<p>Who lived through the pain of an affair by one of their parents when they were children?<p>How did it effect you as a child?<p>How does or did it affect your adult life?<p>Did your parents deal with it the right way or just sweep it under the rug?<p>Thanks

Bumping for replies, 41andL.<p>Jo

My father had several affairs as we were growing up. Funny, my mother and I are both BS. My parents stayed together, and finally have a good marriage...it took years, and my mother finally got tough and did a plan b on her own which made a difference. They think we didn't know, but I can remember from age 8. On some level it helps me handle this. I often wonder if I chose a husband like my father. I am still angry that my husband knows about my father's last affair, which occured right before my marriage. My father was late meeting my future in-laws because he was with his OW. I feel that he gave my husband a blessing to have an affair. It is strange, my father has given me the best advice, however, on how to handle my situation with my WH. My father also now knows the pain he caused others. What goes around, comes around<p>-----------------------------------<p>Married 8 years
d-day Aug 27 2001
2 children 4 and 6

My parents came from the pre-vietnam war beatnik era and they both ****ed around on each other. They split up a few times. They met at University of Illinois. My dad is Scottish and moved over to US when he was like 12. <p>My family consisted of me, my brother, 4 adoped brothers and sisters, and many many foster kids.<p>And they ****ed around on each other. but you know what? They are STILL together and the happiest couple I've ever seen now. <p>They weathered it, and it's amazing how strong their relationship is. They are pretty devoted to each other. They just celebrated their fortieth anniversary!

Heh! When I had my affair, I was emulating TO THE LETTER the behavior that I grew up watching my mother exhibit. See, she's never stayed in a relationship for the hard stuff...her "M.O." has always been to have an affair with another man and leave the one she's with to be with said other man. I was pretty disgusted with myself when I realized that, as much as I hated growing up this way, moving from home to home year after year with Mom's "new guy", I was continuing down the exact same path in my own adult life. <p>As my therapist pointed out, though, I had never had a chance to develop the tools needed to heal a troubled relationship...I grew up with the "get the HELL out of Dodge" philosophy imprinted into my brain, so that's what I was doing. I'm just now having to learn relationship skills that I should have learned as a child.<p>To answer your question? For me, yes, my upbringing, with all of the rampant and NOT FROWNED UPON infidelity, had a big effect on how I handle my relationships today...and not a good effect, at that.

My mother left my dad when I was 10 or so for the OM... she later said it was 'revenge' for the affairs my dad had when he was overseas in the Air Force...

I have never experienced cheating parents. They seemed happey and content with each other. My WH, on the other hand has experienced a rough childhood with parents infidelity plus the fact that his Mother was an alcohlic and his Father being in the military was never close to home much. I believe this is a major problem with my WH as far as trusting. See, he always had thoughts that maybe I have been cheating on him which was not the case. He felt it was his privilege to cheat on me. He once told me that his dad thought his mom was cheating so he decided to cheat. As it turns out his mom wasn't at the time but later did. I believe my WH has some kind of distrust for women.

My own parents were faithful (as far as I know) but my WH's mother was a career cheater. She is still involved with another man. Everyone knows about it but no one says a word. There is even some question as to who fathered my WH's youngest brother, who is age 32. My inlaws are both light haired, blue-eyed caucasians, mom inlaw's bf is black and H's brother looks biracial. As far as I see, they all handle it by pretending not to know. <p>Many years ago, I asked my H how they could all just pretend it wasn't happening and why his father just stood by and took it and he said he never understood why but that he thought it was wrong and that his father should "throw her out" (imagine that).

I am BS. My Dad had an affair and we found out about it during the first year of our marriage. The woman was a lunatic....phone calls..stalking...a real nut case! BUt my parents made it through and they will be married 45 yrs this Sept. My H's father cheated like crazy. He eventually left his wife and married one of the woman. THey were married over 2o yrs although I don't think that they were happy. He was an alcoholic...and he died without the respect of his children. My H's sister had affair...my other SIL got married because she was pregnant and got a divorce....and his brother is on his second marriage...and if you believe wife #1....he is still sleeping with her. His whole family has been divorced....I guess he wanted to join the club.
That about somes it up....I hope my kids can break the cycle.
MAX

My story coming, but I'm getting together with some Chicago MBers tonight and must devote my time to making myself beeeeutiful!
Elizabeth

After finally revealing the sorted details of my M, during a crisis stage to my Mom, come to find out that she had an A many years ago. Sounded like a ONS, but oh what a shock. Apparently my Dad sensed it, but it was never really brought to light. This was probably 30 years ago. This didn't set well with me at all. The thought that I was "pre-disposed" to do such a thing? GROSS!

My father had an affair on my mother when I was around six. I never knew of it until much later. My parents divorced, apparently for that reason. Knowing that my father lost his marriage, and knowing the pain that I felt due to that divorce and due to my father's second divorce from his second wife, I never wanted to do that to any spouse of mine.<p>I have felt the temptation that any man or woman feels but I never acted on it (because I did not want to be like my father for one reason). Little did I know that my wife would be the one to have an A. I never would have imagined it.<p>My parents were not able or willing to reconcile their situation. I know that I want to. All of my aunts and uncles could not keep their marriages together. Whether for rational or irrational reasons, I don't want to end up like them either.<p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: Longing ]</p>

My parents lived through the infidelity. They are both alive, and that's about it.<p>I now have great relationships with Mom, Dad, and SDad, but SMom is from hell or something. <p>Dad traveled for business, was faithful, but mom hated the traveling. Mom had an affair, I was the one that told dad when I was about 14 or so. Those years were hell for me. First of all I was going through all the teenage angst stuff, and dealing with knowing mom was messing around and dad didn't know. <p>I drove myself crazy, with a little help from mom. I was aware of the phone calls, the late nights, and the small gifts and cards. We even went out for pizza once with OM and his kids. <p>The one thing I will never understand is how I cried out to Mom to tell me what was going on, and she told me I was crazy. So, I thought I was crazy. One day I went so far as to attempt suicide. It landed me in the hospital for a couple of weeks, and then I left the hospital and lived with dad. <p>I understand more now about the dynamics of marriage, and that sometimes marriages go this path (mine certainly did), but I still have never discussed this with her. One of these days, maybe.<p>Dad and I had a family meeting with her after I got out of the hospital. It was filled with denial and basically I was told that it was never physical and it was none of my business. I know it was physical, what 12 or 13 year old doesn't know how to sneak through their parents things and read cards and letters? <p>It had a huge effect on my life. Not only did it trigger a lifetime of fighting depression, but it stole a lot of my innocence and childhood. I was worrying about things that adults should worry about, and I will never be able to forget what it was like when I finally told my dad what was going on. <p>My parents divorce was nasty. My sister and I were seperated for a few years. She lived with mom after I was at dad's, and then left when she was 14 to live with dad, but by that time I was already away at school. <p>My parents still say mean things about each other. I don't think that their intention is to be mean, but what they say makes me feel bad so that makes it mean to me I guess.<p>The one thing I always promised myself is that I would never do that to my children. Now, here I am divorced myself, and it isn't a nice situation. <p>I hope at least that I have more insight and ideas than my parents did of how to make it easier for the kids. At least I can tell my children I know how it feels instead of like my parents told me - get over it.

Wow, what a timely thread - I was having a lot of related questions. In Adultery - The Forgivable Sin, the author says that for something like for 95% of marriages with affairs, one of the parents had one!<p>Back to my story - kind of long, but please someone respond:<p>Did one of my parents have an affair? I think so. What I know: When I was 4 my parents divorced, and my father married a woman who was recently divorced. Prior to the divorce, the couples had been friends. (I learned only a couple of years ago, even had some joint property.) I am a very naive person and always assumed that the divorce came first and then a relationship, but now I know that isn't very likely. So most likely my dad had an affair. (Something I am having to come to terms with at the same time I am dealing with WH!) His second wife tried as hard as she could to prevent his relationship with me and my sister, so we have a slight one only. But he is always sad with me. My H KNOWS this, knows that he is setting himself up for this kind of lifetime pain in relations with his kids, but, well FOG, I guess.<p>Last month my aunt sent me a letter my mom had written to her about a year after the divorce. It raised a lot of questions, and I tried to ask my mom some general ones and she absolutely avoided my questions. She asked why I wanted to know and I said it was part of my history and I had a right to know. She said I probably did have a right to know and immediately changed the subject. Note that she does not know ANYTHING about what my WH is doing. I had thought that when I did tell her, I would get a lot of support. But now it appears that she is not yet healed (35 years ago!!!) and I don't feel this is the time to rip open her old wounds.<p>During my childhood, I just took my life for granted. Now looking back, why do I have NO memories of the first year my mom was remarried? (I was 6 and 7 that year.) Honestly, when my mom celebrated her 25th I thought her calculations were off, I had remembered when we moved a year later... and thought they married that summer.<p>Is it normal not to have any memories of 1st grade? I have two or three clear memories prior to that.<p>Back to the 95% thing - when I read that, I am dying to ask my FIL what happened in his marriage - his daughter was betrayed (more than once, now divorced.) and his son (my H) is betraying (though inlaws do NOT know this), and this son (oldest) was sent to boarding school because the marriage was in trouble - one year younger than my oldest son is now. Anyone see patterns?????

Oh, 41~<p>I would laugh if this wasn't just so d*mn pathetic. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Here goes one very long and interesting story.........<p>I grew up completely surrounded by adultery. It was a way of life. When I was 8 years old I had to go with my great-grandmother to bail my grandmother and mother out of jail. You know why? Because my grandfather was having an affair with my brother's best friend's mother. My grandmother and mother went to confront the OW and a physical altercation ensued. Both my grandmother and mother were put in jail.<p>My father is an alcoholic as well as a serial stinkin cheater (the apple (me) didn't fall far from the tree, luckily I've sprayed mine with pesticides to prevent future infestation). Looking back on my childhood, I remember my dad fluctuating from sloppy overweight to dropping pounds so fast it would make your head spin. He went through SEVERAL of these cycles. In hindsight, I can see that each time he would do this, it was because he was having an affair. The cur.<p>Flash forward. I got pregnant at 17 and married at 18. My first affair (ONS) was when I was either 20 or almost twenty. My father advised me to lie my way out of it and tell my husband I didn't really sleep with the guy. Then my father went to work coverying my a$$ with hubby. <p>About 4 years later along comes affair #2 for me. This was a long-term A. There was also a ONS.<p>During this time, my father was working abroad in Brazil. I know he had women down there because of some of the things he said to me. Then he went to Germany where he had more women. Then he came home and started commuting to a neighboring state. That is where he met Glenda. We all knew he was having an affair and it was confirmed on the 4th of July (2 years ago)...which also was 1 week before my parents 30 year wedding anniversary. My mother picked up the phone and heard my father leaving an intimate message for Glenda. I was there and I can tell you, it was beyond terrible.<p>So, my mother started doing things like carrying his Viagra in her purse <you know, if she can control his erections, then he won't be able to stick it in anyone but her [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] > ...she made sure that the only privacy he had was when he went to the bathroom. Every phone call he made, every time he left the house she was right there attached to him at the hip. Now they go to a bar regularly (she's his biggest enabler) and he's even set up his own professional karoke system. He's a real cool dude. <<BARF, HURL, PUKE>>.<p>Oh, they've met lots of new friends at this bar (all alcoholics). As a matter of fact, I was introduced to Jo.....as in "This is Jo, Jo is a real good person". One night at the bar, Jo and her hubby got into a fight so my father offered for Jo to spend the night at my parents house. My mother went along with it. At 3:00 a.m., she woke up and couldn't find my father. Wanna take a flying guess where he was??? That's right, in the back bedroom....THE BEDROOM MY HUSBAND AND I SLEEP IN WHEN WE GO HOME TO VISIT.....with Jo. They had just finished. Jo jumped up and ran through the house and busted out the garage window to get away from my mother. My mother is still with my father. Even then she didn't leave him. Very sick and twisted relationship. I did mention to my mother that they need to rething all of these "good" people they hang out with. Oh, BTW, I met Jo before all of this. I met her at one of my mother's F.U.N parties. It's one of those parties where you buy sex toys and other such stuff. So, Jo sat right there being hosted by my mother, with me in the same room, and then she turned around and slept with my father with my mother alseep in the same house.<p>Oh, once the discovery, my mother went with my father EVERY time he had to go out of town for business. She would make him take her to the bar where he met Glenda. Finally, one night Glenda came in and there was a confrontation. My mother called her a wh*re and Glenda slapped my mother's cowboy hat off of her head and my mother went for her eyes....this is what she told me....."I don't know how bad I hurt her, but when my finger touched eyeball...I duuUUUuuug in!.<p>I have been messed up my whole life because of this sh*t. The men in my family screwing around, the wives fighting over their sorry a$$e$, the children getting stuck in the middle of it.<p>OOOOOOHHHHHH, stop the press! I forgot to add, my father also had an affair with my mother's sister. This sister is a drug addict/alcoholic who even resorted to turning tricks. She is also one of the pervs who molested me. But that didn't stop him. <BARF> <p>How did my parents handle this? Well, if you haven't guess from my very abbreviated version of this topic, basically....if there was a book that outlined every possible wrong way to handle things like this, they would be the star characters.<p>How did it affect me as a child? Well, I gleaned my coping mechanisms from my father. It sucks. But, I've learned new ways to handle stress other than drugs, alcohol and sex. I haven't quite figured out what to do for self-validation, but I'm working on it. BTW- My brother and his wife are recovering from his infidelity. <p>I hate my Dad. What is really effed up, is I still love him. We are supposed to be going home for a visit in the next couple of weeks....I dread going. I think I'll stay with someone other than my parents.<p>a very [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] and a very [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] ,<p>selket<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: selket ]</p>

bumpity....bump....bump.

selket,
I'm sorry.
Elizabeth

Hmm-my parents' M broke up thru infidelity (my dad) when I was 12 - my dad was living the 60's wild and crazy - my mom was pretty patient - she says she knew he was screwing around - but for my dad, it was almost entirely sexual - my Mom put up with it partly b/c she had 3 small children at the time and was dependent on him, but also b/c in spite of it, she loved him (really) - but he finally met his match in intensity - a woman who wouldn't give up ( a girl, really) - she was the little sister of one of his lovers. He ended it with that lover and told my mom "from now on, I'm devoting myself to you and the children" - 5 years later, he said "that was 5 years ago" - my mom finally couldn't take the humiliation anymore and asked him to leave and he did.<p>He still likes to leave the impression that she divorced him - which she did - and that he would have got his act together if she'd just hung on a little longer.<p>Well, their story has dominated my life - the triangle - Mom, Dad and the OW (they're still together) - lots of trauma - lots of tragedy - lots of love still there. Almost as if he has 2 wives.<p>How has this affected me? Trying to figure. I think its made me more committed to M - will exhaust all possibilities before I D - willing to give my H a chance to work out his S***. I'm now v close to my Dad - I've asked him why he did all this to himself and us - he told me, in all honesty, that it was in the time of his life when he was "all F***ed up with my problems" - says he wishes he had never met my SM, never got involved with her, but has also taken the attitude that he made his bed and so he has to lie in it - he's been faithful to her. <p>In the problems I'm having now (H's EAs) - its my Dad who I've asked for concrete advice - I ask him to give me the man's point of view. He has told me not to hassle my H over unsubstantiated suspicion, but that IF I do have proof, to confront him with it. He has told me to get a lawyer and be prepared to do everything I need to do to protect myself. He has helped me see that my H is in a fog and needs time to come out of it. He has counselled me about how to deal with my H's anger - don't react, stay calm, be straight, use his own words to counter his babble - all a lot of the same stuff I have got from here.<p>My dad and I have been thru Hell, but I've fought both him and his W to have an honest, loving R with him - he meets my EN's as an adult father - always there for me.<p>My mom also counsels me to avoid D - to not be precipitous - she feels it just drove her into poverty and she doesn't want me to end up like her. She is one of my safety valves - and she also calms me down - she understands first-hand the pain and suffering I feel at my H's betrayal - she's also a good sounding board - when my H "babbles", she says "Hmm, I've heard stuff like that before" - my H, who has always been v righteous about what my dad did to his family, doesn't realize that he's doing and saying a lot of the same things my dad did. Justification, accusing the W of being paranoid and imagining things, etc.<p>My parents D was traumatic and I hope to avoid repeating history. But they both have a lot of love for their families and what we have learned in our family is to SAY SO! Love has to be expressed - especially to the children - now, 30 years on, my dad has told me how much he has admired my mother's incredible moral and physical courage in the face of my brother's schizophrenia. And even after everything he did to her, she still says he is a very special man - they're in their late 70's now - his wife is still the OW. Life is strange.<p>Odile