I finally worked up the courage to post my story. It's a long one but I hope it can help others understand and possibly prevent this from happening to them. I'm a 30yr. old WW. My husband and I dated for 7 years before marrying in Oct. 97. We are both of Italian decent. We were basically our first real loves and neither of had other sexual partners. My husband became self-employed in 98 and I started a new job. Everything seemed fine till early 2000. I started working out and lost weight. My husband encouraged me to find a passtime since he was gearing up for a busy season with work. I began occassionally going out to bars with mostly male friends from work. I know, this is a definite "NO NO". One of these people became a very close friend that I'll call him Joe. Joe and I worked together and began chatting often on MSN. It was obvious we were attracted to each other and in July 2000 we talked about our attracted. I should tell you Joe is Indian was 23 at the time and was recently engaged in Jan. 2000 (arranged back in India). By this point I wasn't getting much attention from my husband. He didn't help much around the house and was always to tired for you know what. Still I know this is no reason for what was to happen. I felt that all I did was work, cook, clean and stay home with my tired husband. That's when I stated spending a lot of time with Joe - beginning of A. I felt neglected and Joe didn't feel engaged because his fianceé was still in India. The Sexual A began in Nov. 2000. Our feelings grew and I was becoming more withdrawn at home. In Mar/01 he went to India to get married and I quit my job our friendship/relationship was cauing problems with our wokring environment. While he was away I missed him terribly. Even with him so far away we managed to speak almost every day and even chatted on-line with a 12hour time difference. He told me he loved me and I said the same to him to. Prior to him leaving we joked about getting together and me divorcing my husband. While he was away I missed him so much and I felt I lost the chance to be with him. He got back April/01 and was distant. We didn't think our relationship would continue...but it did. The next sequence of events took place.
- we continued to see each, my husband had no clue
- I became depressed and moody being out of work
- Joe and I began arguing more, I feel due to his expectations of me
- In July/01 Joe found a diary of mine expressing my confusion about my relationship with him and my marriage. He got angry and threatened to tell my husband about the affair. He left a note on my front door stating he would do so and constantly prank called.
- We didn't speak for days as I waited in fear. I still loved my husband and I knew this would destroy him.
- Joe didn't tell him and a couple days later he sent me a major apology by e-mail.
- Again we began to see each other but the relationship was only going nowhere. He tells me the reason he's been so moody is that his family and fianceé found out about the A. He tells them it's over.
- In Sept/01 after another argument he again threatened to tell my husband. By this point I couldn't stand the emotional turmoil and wanted to tell my husband myself. When I told Joe I was going to tell my husband he tried to talk me out of it. I was a confused mess by this point.
- Oct. 30 (5 days after our 4yr. anniversary) I told my husband on the A
- My husband freaked and took off. I called Joe and told him I did it and I hope he was happy. He begs to want to be there for me and I told him to leave me alone. Cut off all contact with him and try to save my marriage.
- Major withdrawl begins. I start my new job in Nov/01. Even though I'm keeping busy I'm missing him like crazy
- My marriage was not improving. My husband blamed me for everything.
- Late Nov. I e-mail Joe and ask to see him.
- We meet and I apologize for the way we left off and told him I still wanted him in my life. I meant as a friend he took it as more.
- Behind my husband'back again we started spending time together (much harder now since D-Day)
- Jan/02 Joe became demanding and verbally abusive again. I felt trapped since we had been intimate again and was afraid he would tell my husband. This time I was sure my husband would leave me.
- I move out on Jan. 13 and stay with a girlfriend. It seems to help my relationship with my husband. We start dating again and I become distant from Joe.
- Joe hacks into my e-mail account and reads e-mails I sent to my husband expressing how I wanted to fix what has happened.
- Jan. 30/02 Joe flips out on me again and starts threatening me. By this point I'm on the verge of a breakdown and feel underserving of anyone. I tell him to go ahead and tell him, my husband was better off without me.
- That evening my husband calls me to come by the house. At that point I knew Joe called him. My husband tells me he knows and gets Joe on the phone to compare our stories. Joe had manipulated my husband to. He was basically taking no blame of the A.
- My husband basically wanted a divorce at this point and after finding out of Dday #2 that afternoon he told my family and his family and friends.
- I called him late that night and we talked. As much as he was angry he still cared about me. I didn't give up. We continued to talk over the next couple of days and I completely opened up telling him every detail of the affair and how I felt manipulated and afraid.
- I never spoke to Joe since Jan. 29 and continued to live with my friend.
- In early Feb. we began our R. We went to marriage counselling and to church together.
- BIGGEST TURN AROUND WAS FINDING MB WEBSITE
- My husband was finally able to understand how A's happen and that we were not alone. Our communication got better and better. We worked on our marriage and I continued to fight off withdrawl symtoms for Joe.<p>UPDATE - Mar. 15/02
I moved back home last weekend and our marriage is slowly getting stronger. We still have ups and downs but we are both making a true effort to fulfill our EN and avoid LB's. We take one day at a time. I can feel our love coming back again but I still occassionally think of Joe. I don't know why, considering I should hate him for everything that has happened. I've had absolutely no contact with Joe since Jan. 29. I am grateful for having such an understanding and loving husband. I truly realized what "real" love is. My advise to all fence-sitting WW's is tell your husband's of the A and attempt to salvage your marriage. Good luck to all of you and I'll keep you posted on my recovery.
