I am very close to my inlaws and they don't understand their daughter's behavior and never thought she would have an A. But what should they be doing in this situation? It seems like I have all the tough decisions to make. Now that I have moved to plan B they might think I am being unkind to their daughter and turn on me too. They have said they aren't taking sides but deep down I feel like blood is thicker than water. Any advice on working with them through this and also advise on how they should handle this with their daughter?

MT---<p>Did you explain to your in-laws what you were doing and why?<p>Ultimately you are right, blood is thinker than water and they will likely support their daughter. I think this is different than siding with her, though.<p>She is, after all, their daughter and I would guess they don't want to lose her from their life and feel they need to be somewhat supportive of her even though they may not like or agree with her current behavior.<p>You should probably tread lightly with any criticism of her, but...they really need to know why you are in Plan B...that is to protect yourself and the love you still have for your W.<p>It's tough, I know...<p>Good luck
E

MT-<p>I hope that you have in-laws as supportive and compassionate as I do! When W filed the RO, they took me in until I could find a place to stay. When I did find a place, they helped me move, gave me some food and some household goods to get me started. They invite the kids over as much as possible and make sure that the kids know that Grandma and Grandpas house is a safe haven for them.<p>They don't talk to WS (their daughter) anymore, basically told her that when she is ready to act like a wife, mother and a daughter they can be proud of, then they will talk. My SIL's are also very supportive of me and the kids and offer me words of encouragement and support.<p>As far as your IL's, just take it slow and easy. Don't tell them what to do and be careful not to flame WS in front of them. Let them handle it in their own way, basically Plan A the IL's as well.<p>Since you are moving to Plan B, explain to them what you are doing and why so WS cant come back and make you out to be the bad guy. If you have kids, assure them tht you will never prevent them from seeing their grandkids, that is very important.<p>Hang tough my friend, I have just completed 1 week of Plan B and it has been interesting to say the least!
[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi AK,<p>A very interesting question. Friends and family can be difficult. They have your, and your W's, best interests at heart, but they hear that the M is over. They may not think it's right but they think that everyone must move on to minimise the pain. But only the marriage partners should make that decision. IMO it's best not to involve them. The outcome is of most interest to the married parties and they should try to resolve it themselves. In the end WS's family will support WS as far as they can. Blood is thicker than water. Children have blood too.<p>So I don't think you should rely on them to handle it at all. Handle it yourself and let them see you do it in a dignified and rational way. Then they will be your allies.

Mt...... I guess every situation is different but even if they disapprove of their daughters behavior they will still try to fix her hurt too. My parents love my wife better than their own daughter. My wife and my mom are really good friends. They still invite her out to eat with us and we still celebrate things together. I really love this because I love being with my wife when I can at this point. I think I have a unique situation because my wife and my parents are so close and are taking such great steps to preserve what I destroyed. My dad cried the other nite and said he would do anything to get us back together.<p> I think most parents just sit back and let the couple work things out. They still love you a whole lot but just don't know what to do at this point. It's hard when your ashamed of the thing your child has done and you want to fix it real bad but you don't know what to do.<p> Just try to work on your marriage and the other will come about in due time. <p>
Love in christ,<p> cajunky

Hello MT in AK,<p>Since you are close to your in-laws, I suggest that you print the basic material about affairs and Plan B for them. Stress to them that Plan B is to enable you to KEEP the love you still have for their daughter. It is not a punishment for her. It is a way of giving her freedom to reach a decision about what she is going to do, because after all, she will be the one to determine the future of your M. (That YOU want the marriage and YOU want her as your wife, but that the choice is up to HER!)<p>As the mom of a BS son, I have learned a tremendous amount from MB. I think that it would help your in-laws to read Surviving An Affair and to read all the infidelity information on this site. I have learned to understand what motivated my DIL to do the awful things that she has done. I don't condone it one bit, but I do understand it. I also understand that recovery takes a long time. (BTW, we have been more understanding of our DIL than her own mother who has been really hateful to her.) <p>I hope your in-laws can come to a deeper understanding of what you are both going through. That you are friends with them is a positive thing. There is a poster here (gottruth?) whose daughter is involved with a married man. She has said repeatedly that her big mistake was to be highly critical of her D. She now basically uses Plan A with her D, and they never speak of the A which may be onging after several years.<p>Best wishes in your effort to recover your marriage.
Estes

My FIL doesn't talk about A anymore because it was causing high blood pressure, sleepless nights, and eating problems. My MIL is very critical of her daughter right now. She asks my wife how much longer she is going to be "other woman" and how degrading it must be to be the other woman. MIL doesn't understand but is willing to read anything I have printed from this site. I have read "His Needs, Her Needs" and another one which I can't remember the title right now. I try to explain to my MIL what's going on with her daughter and what I am doing to help. We talk every day to compare notes on what we have seen in WS actions/attitude. <p>I haven't told them I switched to plan B but will do that tonight when they come over for dinner. Wife is taking oldest son to a birthday party so they won't be there. I hope they will support my decision and respect my wishes until the A is over. They want it over as well so I should get the support from them that I need to get through this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>They want it over as well so I should get the support from them that I need to get through this.
<hr></blockquote><p>Make sure that the IL understand getting over an A can take YEARS. Not to be depressing, but ending contact with OM is just the beginning of healing. Tonight as you talk to ILs be sure to stress that PATIENCE and RESTRAINT are the keywords. Also that there is nothing you or they can do to hurry the process. Pushing too strongly very often actually causes a setback. WW is in control of the timeline. The more you pressure her, the more likely she is to do something to prove you can't control her.<p>Do you think your MIL would like to talk? If so, get in touch with me. BTW, my husband, the FIL of WDIL, has had a really hard time with this. He is really sad and wants to have the situation "fixed" and over with NOW. Doesn't work that way, unfortunately. <p>Estes

I am not very close to my in-laws but I do believe they are disgusted by what my WH has done, at least that is the impression I get. My WH sees his father here and there and does bring along OW. His step-mother is not happy with him but they never had a great relationship either. WH has not talked to brothers in ages. They live out of the area. I called them over the holidays to send my wishes and when I told WH he told me I had no right to talk to "his" family, but I can tell he is embarassed by what he is doing.

I really don't know what to do myself. I really don't have any family in my local area except my daughters and in-laws, all my other family is out of state. My WH has just told me that he told his Dad that I was cheating on him. I hope my FIL knows what kind of wife and mother I have been for all these years and I hope he does not believe what WH tells him since he has OW. I was thinking of writing letter to FIL telling him what really has been going on last 4 years. They really don't know the horror I have been put through. I was always protecting WH from embarassment. I don't know if I should write or not.<p>It sounds like you have a much closer relationship with your in-laws so I am sure if you explain what plan B is they should understand. I think parents, now matter what age their children are, should continue to try and instill some sort of values or wisdom into their children. With grandchildren involved they should want them to be raised in a complete and whole family. They may want to be more involved with the efforts to save the marriage and maybe just need a long talk with you about what you plan to do and why.<p>One interesting question would be: What about OP's family? Gosh! Yikes! If the A continues I am sure it will come out. Imagine the stories OP is giving thier family! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

MT<p>I have a wonderful relationship with my IL's too - they took me in when I relocated here pregnant, and after my baby was born. I wrote them a 'goodbye' letter but then realised they would always love me and want to be there for me - guess I was scared they would dump me first. <p>Everyone kept telling me blood was thicker than water too, but I realised 2 important things - 1. my son has their blood 2. I married into their family and took on their name, its part of the covenant thing. <p>After reading this thread I realise I need to talk to My IL's about moving into Plan B too. <p>They are supportive of both of us. They dont take sides as such because each of us are going thru different pains...mine is rejection, his is dealing with the mess hes got himself into. <p>As most here have said already, its best they understand what youre trying to do, but dont get them involved. <p>I know this sounds harsh but its advice I was given - be careful/discerning what details you do tell them as you really dont know where the information might end up...court? It happens. If it came to the crunch, they may just have to stand by their daughter as strange as it may seem. Watch your pearls.<p>Dont go overboard trying to prove yourself either...remember all things will eventually come to light one day. Let God be the one to bring justice.<p>I hope this helps.<p>Dancer

MT - I, too, was very close to my in-laws and two SILs. After all, we couldn't NOT be close after caring for my youngest son together for many years. But when the "I'm NOT having an affair" affair hit, I went from favorite son-in-law to Ogre in a matter of minutes. Basically, they believed her lies and revisionist history. One SIL, however, was suspicious and became supportive of me (she lurked on this forum and maybe still does and is reading this) until I went to Plan B at which point she betrayed me and became a "double agent" of sorts, sending copies of my posts to my W that were not the most pleasant. I think she just didn't understand Plan B. Regardless, I have been totally ostracized from the family. I don't know exactly what they've been told by WS or what they believe. There is zero communication now.<p>But this is about you.<p>Based on my Plan B experience, I recommend you give them a copy of SAA IF they are interested. I believe the general rule about in-laws shoud be to NOT try to recruit them, but if they care and ask questions, tell them the truth. Don't try to educate them yourself, let SAA or other published material you provide do that. DO NOT draw conclusions for them, e.g., "She must be infected with moose brain worms or was abducted by aliens or something!" and do not make character judgements about her to them, "I didn't realize she had such a bad side."<p>Just stick with the facts if they ask.<p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>