i am laughing for the first time today-how the he** does he get through the day without you? im afraid to ask what he does for a living. the answer may scare me.<p>this reminds me of my parents-my mom did everything for dad. now that they are retired it would be nice if he helped out. says he cant even turn on a washing machine. THE MAN IS AN ENGINERE THAT HELPED BUILD AND MAINTAIN OUR MISSLE SILOS IN THE MIDWEST!!! how scared are you now.LMAO<p>im in a bit of a evil mood so please take this with a grain of salt-i also encounter the cant find anything, ive looked everywhere. i will move 1 thing or look under something and... wallah there it is. however its usually my 12 yr old who is asking.<p>i also have a question/observation--what is up with men thinking our uterus's are some kind of homing device for everything they lose or cant find?

Conqueror -- how many times do you have to say it, ten or a hundred? My question would be, why hasn't he heard it even once? Okay, your last post gives me the answer so the question really is rhetoric, but something to think about.<p>Snow

Now you can understand the attraction the OW held for him--she did everything for him like he was a quadriplegic. From his description of their encounters: She undressed him, massaged him from head to toe, f***ed him, bathed him, and then dressed him, while keeping his cold drink filled and the air conditioning on full blast, and then he left.<p>I'm still waiting to be told how I was supposed fit that level of quadriplegic care in with all the other expectations he has of me listed above. In fact, I'm still waiting to be told how to do all those things listed above in the 24 hours a day allotted to me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>And now, even IF I could somehow carve out a chunk of time for that type of thing, I'll NEVER do it because he allowed her to do it and made it irrevocably associated with her.

Conquerer,
Whew, so much to reply to..I think everyone hates the 6 month mark. Sort of like knowing you didn't reach the Promised Land, but you ran out of map. Now what direction do you take?<p>I'm gonna just jump around here on some stuff OK?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I guess every once in a while I need to re-evaluate where I am and what I'm doing, and I think coming up on the 6-month mark when my original plan was for a 6-month Plan A is making me feel like I should do something because I thought I'd be going to Plan B by now or he'd be walking the walk by now, but neither one seems imminent right now. <hr></blockquote><p>I think the re-evaluation is a must throughout recovery...truth be told..probably throughout the marriage is more accurate. Anyway, you may have heard of some of us talking about "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay", but it is an excellent book for evaluating your relationship..all aspects, not just those that are A related. So you might want to give it a look.<p>I can't remember who it was that answered one of my threads around the 6 mos period when I was pretty down, but the advice they gave was to also re-evaluate my plan A..had I been "going through the motions" or, had I truly made some positives changes for myself. Had I build up my stregths, decided on what I needed to be happy, evaluated and implemented changes re: lovebusters changes.<p>Another piece of advice that came from an old timer..but again, senior moments are getting too frequent now, concerned boundaries...Had I truly established what my boundaries were in terms of what I expected of myself and him in our recovery? Had I voiced these to him? Had I gotten his views on what marital recovery meant to him? See, that's where I was deficit..I knew what I wanted..but had no idea what his ideas were for recovery. Basically, he wanted to go with the 15 hours of recreational stuff and talk about the relationship, but NOT the A. That, I was supposed to get over.<p>But a funny thing happened..I went along with his plan for a while...we became the best of friends, having fun like we hadn't in years, talking about our prior mistakes, and then HE started bringing up A stuff..more info than if I had asked. Because, we became "safe" for each other in all our other "nonA" discussions. You may not remember, but in those first months he "couldn't remember" hardly anything I asked him about the A.<p>My SO had been in a previous relationship where he had been WS as well as BS...and I thought that his BS experience should've made him more aware of MY feelings...but it didn't. As he pointed out, no one can ever totally feel like someone else..each person has a lifetime of "self" that processes how you feel about something. You can describe feelings and emotions, but to be able to step into someone else's shoes is almost impossible. His overwhelming BS memory is anger..pure anger...doesn't recall big problems with hurt, trust, depression, lowered self worth...all the emotions that I had. But, while he couldn't empathise with my feelings, he learned to accept and validate them...which is really what I needed.<p>Conquerer, realize that this April will be our first year anniversery of recovery...the biggest change was not him..it was me throwing off the mantle of conflict avoiding and forcing myself to communicate with him.<p>Gotta go, but will check back in later. Have been following your posts with interest.
T<p>[ March 19, 2002: Message edited by: Twyla ]</p>

EEEEK!!!
SP GOES RUNNING FROM THE ROOM SCREAMING!!!!
Conqueror
Please please type out this thread, cross off your name and put JANE on the name. Read it and write her advice.
TRUE STORY
My 3 year old daughteronce told me she couldnt sleep "because their is a big elephant in mommy's room, and Im worried he will get her" So we made up a story.
We fed the elephant peanuts. we left peanuts to the door of mommys room, down the hall, through the den, through the kitchen, out the door and down the driveway.
Moral of my story-----> You gotta get a little nuts to get rid of the elephant!
He is so daft he cant get it about the shirt? oops a little clorox should fix that! Oh there it is hanging nicely on the hanger in your closet dear!
Even though I am smiling while writing this I am serious that he should think you have gone a little nuts, he doesnt take you seriously and no wonder! I have stopped buying my husbands clothes - let alone taking them back several times. Dr. Harley gave me the idea. He said you shouldnt be buying the clothes/ underwear.
I just read this book "how to divorce proof your marriage" It explains it like this.
As a couple we settle into a "dance" he responds with A you respond with B.
If you change a step in the dance it is uncomfortable for both of you. you may stumble a bit. You cannot go on auto pilot anymore. If YOU change your step your partner will also have to change their steps. Your partner will complain that you have changed the step, but dont back down. It takes 21 days to start/break a habit.
What are you afraid he will do if you change the steps in your dance?
You are letting him lead this waltz, then unhappy about where it leads you.
Please dont think Im a dancing queen because these new steps Im doing are killing my feet!
I hope this elephant dancing thread hasnt gotten too confusing.
night all.

well im home from my 15 hour day at work-i hate tuesdays!- the elephant is still in the room. <p>i had made out an anger list-all the things im angry at-so i can try to deal with them one at a time and put them to rest. i accidentally left it home today and when i came in tonight it was moved. i know he read it-i had to ask him where it was, he moved it-yet he said nothing. went about his stuff and just went upstairs alone. like it didnt even exist. now what???

well im up again- a few hours of sleep anyway. i agree with sad princess. i did get a little confused at first though,still groggy from getting up at this hour. MY NAME IS JANE!

Well, I wrote a very long insightful reply to SP and Twyla, incorporating something that happened to me right before reading their posts that ironically illustrated what they were saying, but that laboriously written post of mine ended up in the netherworld with the explanation given that I had too many of the little faces codes in my message. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Apparently you're only allowed 8 of those little guys in a single message, so everything I wrote vanished.<p>Suffice it to say that I found SP's and Twyla's observations right on target, and I LOVED SP's elephant story! What a fun mom!<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>