2 months ago, I began plan A with my wife. We had a talk, and she told me she was unhappy with our marriage, and had been for a long time. Her main complaint is that I'm not emotional, don't show her enough affection, and as she puts it, I'm aloof in alot of ways.
Anyhow, we've been together 7 years, married for almost 2, and have a 4 year old daughter.
About a month ago, she confessed to having a 3 month long affair after I confronted her with the fact that she gave me a STD. I had suspected the affair for weeks before she confessed because of her cell phone bill.
I've told her I want to try to save our marriage, but she wants a separation because she needs to "fix herself" and figure out "what she wants".
She says she loves me, but she's not sure if theres enough left for a reconciliation...although she doesn't rule it out.
As far as a separation goes, she says thats what she wants, but doesn't seem to be doing anything about it. I've made her aware that if we separate, she should be the one to move out, and that our daughter should stay in our house with me....and that she could see her as much as she wants. My wife says this is "unacceptable"..and that she "won't leave" her daughter. I get the feeling that my W expects me to move out, but I don't want to, and don't believe that I should.
After all, she chose to have an affair...and she is the one who is pushing a separation.
Anyone have any advice as to how to handle this without things turning nasty??

I'm sorry for your pain. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE. If she had the affair and needs to 'find herself' let her go elsewhere. I made that mistake with my H's affair. I left for a few weeks because I couldn't stand the tension anymore. While I was gone, he took my (former) best friend INTO MY BED. All I did was make it convenient for him to pursue her, and on MY turf. His best friend at the time gave me good advice, he said "Get him out of his comfort zone. He'll make up his mind a lot faster that way." It turned out to be true. He eventually did leave, and realized all he was giving up. We did get back together, after 9 mos and have been in and out of counseling ever since. It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it. Too many times people look at divorce as a short term solution to a long term problem. I really hope you can work things out. Good luck

First off dude, I can relate. My wife gave me an STD from her affair. It was like an after shock when you think the earthquake is all over.<p>Secondly, definitely DO NOT leave for her sake. You are not the one screwing up now. Your children deserve the best parent and right now she is thinking of herself - therefore you are the best person to parent.<p>Third, and this is likely not MB friendly but think about yourself now. Do not believe anything she says and just breathe man. Don't buy into this at all. Look at yourself in the mirror and say "I am a father first". Don't try too hard to make her see anything ---- she will get there on her own if it's actually possible - and if you still feel for her try again. If not, let her kill herself in this "fog". <p>If not then my advise would be to move on. I know they say plan B and all that but personally I think that means "be a doormat"<p>Stand up and do YOUR THING. She is doing hers!!! If you feel like your all alone you are not mano. We are all here going through the same crap. If she needs to "discover herself" than go ahead and discover YOURself. Let her be what she wants because eventually it will crumble around her, and she will need u again. Maybe u r there, maybe u have found what is better than this crap. Then again maybe this isn't crap. Do u see what I am saying? ILive 4 yourself now - they r selfish ---- u b selfish. Totally not MB principles, but that's what I would do if my wife said this crap to me.

<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: newstartj ]</p>

Hi, <p>You dads have it hard in this one. But remember she is the one that said she has to go find herself. Obviously finding herself is not in your home so logic dictates that 'herself' is somewhere else. <p>Easy to say, very hard to do. You need to be able to dicipher the talk from the babble. <p>Talk items: Marriage has problems, need to identify true issues and work on how to fix them together. <p>Babble items: 'W needs to find herself', you need to move out, unfaithful W & mother needs to have daughter with her, etc. <p>Concentrate on the talk, minimize or eliminate the babble. <p>Here's how I did it (in my case the H was the WS):
Talk: Problems in our M (resolution - discuss it out in front of a 3rd party - MC), learned his needs/her needs (worked on it), spent more family time (working on it). <p>Babble: WS claimed BS was too controlling (OW was more controlling), WS claimed BS was getting all his money (how could that be when the WS was not living at home and 95% of his money went to his room rent and misc expenses), WS claimed that BS did not love WS (hm.........yea that's why I have been trying so hard to save this M). <p>See the difference? Here's a test: If you as the BS have to 'scratch your head' in wonderment of what is spewing from the WS' mouth, look out there is babble contamination in those words. Don't take every word literally. <p>L.

Orchid is absolutely right regarding "babble". A WS, has absolutely no clue why they are in the predicament they are in right now. Sanity has left the building.<p>The outside world (outside of the A) can bring about a lot of anger. The time away from the fantasy (OM), is where pain and reality exists. During this extreme time (the fog) real issues can not be comprehended. Real issues are fought off as much as possible. It is too much to deal with. It is maddening.<p>For me personally, I was furious that I didn't know how I got here (in the A) or how to get out. It was impossible for me to look at fault within myself (this was a selfish & self absorbed time), so everyone else is the bad guy.<p>Emotions and feelings were swarming my brain. It was the most confusing time of my life. I hope I never experience anything like that ever again. The comments I spewed out of my mouth were all over the place, to say the least. Many were very hurtful, with a purpose. It think that a lot of these hateful comments are an effort to back people off away from us. Just a guess, looking back.<p>Definitely do not leave your home. Let reality hit her, when she is removed from her comfort zone. She needs to do the crash & burn all by herself. She probably will not accept help until reality hits her good and hard. She has to pull HERSELF out of this mess. No one else can do it for her.

Thanks for all the replies and perspective.
I will absolutely NOT leave my home, and my wife realizes this. The sticky part is our daughter.
I have told my WW, that in the event of our separation, I feel it best that our D remains in the house. She has said that if she leaves, she'll want to take our D with her, even though she agrees that the best thing for our child is to stay in her home. Thats when my wife suggested that I move out....to which I said I felt she made the choice to have an affair, so she should be the one to leave.<p>I'm trying really hard to find a way to work these details out with my wife, without it turning into a messy, angry battle over custody.
On a side note, my wife informed me that she intends to call the OM tomorrow and tell him not to call her while she and I figure out what will become of our marriage. I must say, I was shocked.
I don't want to get overly encouraged, but this is the first time she's suggested ending contact on her own.
Should I ask to be present for this conversation?
...or would that be pushing it too much?

Hm........... should U be present for the phone call? Good question but to predict how a WS will react is always difficult. <p>If you want to, ask. Don't be surprised if she reacts with anger. Then decide how much you want to persue it. <p>I don't think she is asking to stop contact for good. Sounds more like she is 'testing the waters'. She appears to be pushing both you and the OMs buttons. You can't control his reactions but you definitely can control how much you let her push your buttons. <p>Hang in there, <p>L.

I'm yet another STD victim of my WS. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] It really sucks.<p>I personally feel that her comment that she "will call the OM tomorrow", etc., is a bone she is throwing, hoping you'll go after for it and soften up or let your guard down on the daughter issue. Don't fall for it. Talk is talk. Action is action.<p>Surviving An Affair tells how to end an affair, and it is with a LETTER (not a call or a visit) from the WS advising the OP that there will be no more contact FOR LIFE that is read and approved by the BS before sending. Be mindful, though, that some WS will do this letter, but still continue the A, so it's no guarantee. Only time and subsequent actions will reveal whether contact has truly ended or not.<p>Since I'm also unfortunate enough to have endured the abduction of my children by the noncustodial parent, I urge extreme caution and awareness about all issues surrounding the children.<p>I definitely join in the chorus of DO NOT LEAVE THE FAMILY HOME. By remaining in the family home, you have an edge on the custody issue because you will have demonstrated your commitment to doing what is in the best interest of your child by avoiding disrupting her life and maintaining as much security and consistency for her as possible.<p>While you are married, you cannot stop your W from taking your child because she has equal rights as one of her parents, BUT if she takes your daughter out of your home against your will, in order to protect your daughter, you will need to file a petition to the court for custody. If your state allows legal separation or separate maintenance, you can file that way, but even if you have to file for divorce, it may be in your daughter's best interest to do that.<p>Also, your W cannot force you to vacate the family home without an order from the court. If she's hellbent enough to get you out that she'll file a petition with the court, then you have the option of counterfiling and petitioning the court to give YOU a custody order and order your W to vacate the family home.<p>The only other way she can get you out is to get the police to believe that you are guilty of domestive violence. So do what you can to protect yourself from false accusation because from I've seen, the police tend to give the woman the benefit of the doubt. Be very careful.<p>Even with all those precautions, you can still Plan A. Dr. Harley's general suggestion is a 6-month Plan A because most affairs die a natural death within 6 months of coming to the light of day. If your W doesn't want to give up custody of your child and residing in the family home, the only way you will be able to move to Plan B is to file so you can maintain custody of your daughter and residency in the family home.<p>Very tough place to be, but there are lots of us in the same spot, so you're not alone.<p>BTW, I agree with what newstartj says about the bond with the mother. Since your daughter is only 4 years old, she is still very vulnerable, and you should only interfere in her relationship with her mother when absolutely necessary for her well-being. I have adopted children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, and that is a nightmare you want to avoid at all costs.<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

ckblade21...<p>I am in a very similar situation - unfortunately.<p>Basically, I stayed in the house and she got an apt about 5 mins away. We share the kids 50-50. She is the WS just like in your case. We have 3 kids (s-9, d-7, d-4). <p>The expense is unbelieveable. She bought beds for them and took half our house with her.<p>We could have gone on a nice vacation for what this is costing. Although, I would pay 10 times as much if it is a path to bring her home.<p>DD<p>M - 12 years
Together - 20 years
d-day - 7/01
WS moved out - 2/02
3 kids (s-9, d-7, d-4)