I found out about A on 3/3/02. Things are still fresh and very confusing. H has decided to give up A, but still works with OW. He is still very emotionally involved-- but says he will not contact her privately, exchange letters or affection. I know H won't give up his job. Right now, I think it means more to him than our M. (As does the OW). <p>Any experiences of same? Can this have any chance of working?

I am in the same situation. WW is working with OM and only because we 'need' the income. She 'says' she is going to find another job but I don't see much effort on her part yet.

Here's a thread I wrote a year ago about just this subject (hint: I don't think it can be done!). Just click Here

My H had an 18 month off & on again PA with a co-worker. They still work together, we've been in recovery for 22 months.<p>But, an affair with a co-worker is extremely difficult to end. The contact may spark a renewal of the A at any given weak moment. My H ended with her 3-4 times, and either it didn't end at all or it restarted that many times.<p>Finally when I found email contact 4 months after the PA was over, I served D papers, and he had a complete change of heart and about 4 months later we reconciled and they have no personal contact that is not work related.<p>So, yes it can be done. With great difficulty. And I don't care much for seeing her at the Christmas parties.

The minute I found out my husband was having an affair with a co-worker, I asked him to quit his job. He wouldn't. Stayed with me for exactly one week to "work" on the marriage and then he was gone. No discussion. He just left. If he had wanted to stay in our marriage I would have insisted that he get a new job.<p>Anyway, he ended up getting fired and he's no longer with her. We are divorced now.

I use to work w/ a guy that is very special to me. We are still very best friends. We have NEVER went out of line, if u know what I mean. He is my best friend and we talk about everything. He tells me his problems and I tell him mine. Of course his wife hates me, I guess. But I'm just here to say that just because you think your H is sleeping w/ the enemy he may not be. He may just need a shoulder. I would not give up my friendship w/ him unless he asked. Yes he is married and I know that. I can't have him for sure. But he is my friend. Males and females can be friends w/ out sex and all the other bull****. I'm just glad he is there for me. I would not have survived.

Shellshocked, My situation isn't exactly like yours, so I'll just tell you what my experience has been.
My WH had an emotional A with a co-worker. (No sex, although there was some kissing and touching). The A lasted 2 months the kissing and touching totaled about 15 minutes, broken up over 2 different days. He broke it off before I ever knew about it. She wanted sex (on the job) and even asked him to leave me and move in with her. (She's married too, - he said "no"). The fog began to lift about a week after he broke it off. I found out about it 5 days after he broke it off. He has been TOTALLY committed to working it out. He has looked for other jobs, but we live in a small town and they are limited. The only job he's come up with is truck driving, and I'm not ready for him to be gone from me that much. (Still some trust issues). He's continued to work with her (for 3 mo now). He only speaks to her about work related things. He's one of her bosses so sometimes he has to tell her to do things. She has repeatedly tried to start casual conversations with him and he's rude to her and cuts her off. She doesn't give up easily though and keeps finding a reason to try to talk to him, although these instances are getting fewer and further between.<p>I guess the main thing is that he would gladly change jobs if I'd let him. He can't stand to be around her, and comes home very happy on the days he doesn't have to work around her. He says he can't stand to hear her voice, see her, etc. He says he basically hates her. She was the major pursuer in the A although he went along without to much dragging on her part. He's constantly avoiding her because he's afraid she'll want to talk about it. We've talked about several scenarios, what she might say or do, etc. We've come up with responses and reactions that he can say or do. He says if she mentions it, he's going to tell her that he doesn't want to talk about it, it's over, and unless she has something related to work to discuss, he doesn't want to speak to her. So far his avoidance techniques are working. Even though I'm sure she'd like to clear a few things up with him, he hasn't given her the chance. <p>Remember this is just my experience. All of his A occurred on the job. He was never late coming home, never left early, never made phone calls from here. It was really just his moods at home that clued me into the A. And it may not all be over yet. I feel like we are well into recovery, but as long as they work together, anything is possible. The other thing I keep in mind is that even if he changes jobs, if he's still needing emotional needs fulfilled, he can find someone new to have an A with. So the important thing is to begin fulfilling those needs!!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tearsquit:
<strong>I use to work w/ a guy that is very special to me. We are still very best friends. We have NEVER went out of line, if u know what I mean. He is my best friend and we talk about everything. He tells me his problems and I tell him mine. Of course his wife hates me, I guess. But I'm just here to say that just because you think your H is sleeping w/ the enemy he may not be. He may just need a shoulder. I would not give up my friendship w/ him unless he asked. Yes he is married and I know that. I can't have him for sure. But he is my friend. Males and females can be friends w/ out sex and all the other bull****. I'm just glad he is there for me. I would not have survived.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I notice this is your first post. Have you read the information on this site? If not, please use the link in my signature line to begin.<p>Since it is your first post, I'll be gentle: This man should NOT be talking to you about his personal life. <p>Further, when you say: "We have NEVER went out of line, if u know what I mean" -- no, I don't know what you mean. Do you mean you haven't slept with him, or you haven't touched him, or kissed him, or cried with him, or what?<p>Are you friends with his wife as well? Does she know the extent you are "close"? I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he's having what we term an "Emotional Affair" with you. If he's going to you and NOT HIS WIFE with his troubles, that's a recipe for disaster.<p>Please do read everything you can around here... affairs begin just as you've described... too often.

First off, it can be my first or last post. I've chosen to speak. We do none of the above. I can't say we have never hugged. He has never cried to me but I have to him. We are simply friends. So if u are suggesting otherwise then u r wrong. I think the opposite sex can be friends. But that is my opionion. Been there.

Oh, forgot to mention. I have read every link there is to this sight. Thanks for asking. I spent a month reading every link before I posted.

i'm starting a thread for tearsquit... as I have a feeling many will have a response to her... perhaps we can avoid the highjacking of shellshocked's thread [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ....<p>Hugs to all,
Cali

I thought it could be done, but someone wise here told me that it would probably become more EA and that would be harder to break off...they were right. WH continued to text message OW and see her and talk to her at work. Then she transferred to a different store, but would still visit her friends at that store (and my WH) and they saw eachother at meetings. After a month of that, I had my 2nd d-day and WH knew that was my last straw. I also learned that even if I knew his whereabouts at ALL times, he could still sneak around. That actually gave me peace of mind! I can only control myself! So they still work for the same company but at different locations...only time will tell. We need the insurance and income right now and my husband leaving his job would be a MAJOR LB and strain on him, so I leave it up to him. If he messes up, then he's made his decision I guess.

My H's A was with a co-worker, and he insisted on continuing to work there because he didn't want to give up the income. This was a second job, and I offered to replace the income by working full-time instead of part-time, but still he wouldn't quit or find a job elsewhere (he even had an open offer from another place).<p>This did not work for me, and if he hadn't been laid off, it would have ended the M for me had he continued to work there despite the alternatives available.<p>Some couples have been able to develop strategies for keeping in touch with each other throughout the workday to ease the BS's anxiety. My H refused to do this, so it was pure hell for me while he was at work.

Whatever u say, I don't care. We are not having an affair. His wife is a dear person, she loves him and he loves her. And that is that. Some ppl just can't stand the truth. And yes I have read everything. It made me cry and it made me a lot stonger. Doesn't mean ya'll can't tell me who my friends are.

Actually, this is what I did not come here for. I have a problem but I guess you are not the one to talk to. I have been shut out from the beginning by just speaking my mine. Don't mind me anymore. Guess I'll tell my friends this is not the place.
Just wanted to talk about something important and saw a sight. Guess I should not have opened my mouth. 'Sorry.

Thanks for your replies. I am despondent because for H it is a major EA and he is in major fog right now. He won't let me fill any of his EN's. I know that he is still in contact with OW because they work together (and because they want to). In fact, OW called H today as soon as he walked in the door to make sure he got home safely. Arghh! It is true that I can not make him quit without LB'ing. This job is important to his self-esteem. I can only wait for the fog to lift or for him to make a decision. Meanwhile, I am trying to Plan A and waiting for my MB books to come.

Shellshocked, an update please? Let us know how it is going.<p>My WH had ended the EA BEFORE I found out about it. I can send him to work every morning ONLY because I know the A is over. I'd never be able to if I thought for one minute that the EA was still ongoing.<p>Does he want to preserve his marriage? If he does, then he must end this EA now, and if he's not strong enough to do it while he's still seeing her everyday, then his only option is to change jobs.<p>And remember that it takes 2 to make a marriage. If he's still in the middle of the A, then you need to research the Plan A and Plan B material on this website. If you allow him too, he will keep his cake and eat it too!!

yes, I was a ws working with my mm. We had an intense e/pa that lasted over 6 years. I can honestly tell you without any doubt whatsoever, the fact that we worked together kept us in the relationship much easier than when we were seperated by work. (he had left the company for a 10 month period and then came back). We broke it off twice over 6.5 years but always ended up back together within a short period of time. He may be out of it now but with them working together, the pull back is going to be there if they have strong feelings for eachother. I have no idea what you should do but this is my experience with relationship with someone I worked with. My ex-mm always told me I was the reason he stayed at the job when career wise, he should have moved on. As well, I stayed for him. He may be inclined to want to stay there so that they can see eachother even if relationship is over. Being a former (very recent former) WS, honestly, just being around someone who thinks you are the cats meow is a huge ego trip.

I know that our marriage never could have survived if H had continued workign with the OW. I would have been crying from the time he left the house to go to work in the AM until he got home, and then some. IMO no contact is the only way to go.

Shellshocked, I know just what you're talking about! I posted a few weeks ago--"My Husband's Best Friend is a Woman. We're still in the middle of my husband's EA. He at least is now admitting how deep the relationship is, although he STILL SWEARS there is no physical side to the relationship. I have a hard time believing that, but maybe it could be true. It still is so unacceptable that they be so close. He said she told him she wants to leave her family for him. He said he told her he will not leave me.<p>We went to a marriage counselor Thursday. It was the biggest waste of money ever! If my problem was dirty socks on the floor, maybe he could have helped, but it seemed we had way too much baggage for his type of therapy. He came highly recommended too! Didn't even make us a second appointment! He told us if we needed to talk more, call him. He told my husband "a marriage cannot exist with a girlfriend." duh Said I had to begin to trust him again and if he hadn't ended relationship "You will know." I asked how. He said I would 'just know.' He doesn't know what a master deceiver my WS is! <p>We had a 3 day family trip over Easter weekend. While we were in the car Friday we were talking about how disappointing the counseling was, so I told him I'd found the MB site and what good info it had. I printed Recovering from Infidelity Parts 1, 2 & 3 and asked if he minded if I read them. He agreed, so all the way to our destination I read Dr. Harley's information to him. He really was impressed. Said it was exactly what had happened to him--starting off just being friends and thinking nothing about anything more serious. The OW I think is very neglected by her husband. He knows about my husband and the friendship and told her he doesn't care. She told my husband that she was jealous of how much I'm opposed to their relationship. (I've followed him around and found them talking in her car a few times.)<p>On the way home we filled out the Emotional Needs Questionaire. I think we made progress. I have to ease up on the LBs about her and let him have his space. Just not sure how long to do that. Plan Aing? Actually, been sorta doing that since last fall after reading "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. But still bug him almost daily about her and ending EA. It eats me up inside.....<p>I've told my husband to quit his job. I have a daycare in our home and pretty much pay all the bills. He just got a big raise last week. He seemed to be contemplating quitting before that. I won't rest till he does, but he loves his job--he's top salesman of whole region and is treated like a little god there. I don't trust him one bit--he's lied to me so many times about their friendship. Says it was to 'protect' me from being hurt. Right! Says he's working on ending it with her. Is saying all the 'right things.' I've hired a private investigator to make sure it's not a PA. So far he's found nothing except once last week WS lied about going to lunch with OW. Time I've paid PI for is almost up..... <p>Good luck, Shellshocked. You're in my prayers.
Amazingrace