tearsquit...<p>The 'we're just friends' strikes fear into the heart of most betrayed spouses...<p>The OW actually made a special phone call to me to tell me she was 'just friends' w/ my H and they were just talking hundreds of minutes on his cell phone and it was helping 'our' marriages... yes, she was already sleeping w/ him at that time...<p>So while you may be 'sure' you are 'just friends' please note that emotional affairs are just as dangerous to marriage as physical ones...<p>are you married?<p>Cali

Here's the thread of her first post. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016537<p>Cali was right to begin a new thread. <p>My question to you is this: Does his wife know the exact nature of your friendship?

Since she claims to have read everything on the site, she must have read everything Dr. Harley has to say about separate friendships with the opposite sex that do not include the spouse, but I'll add what someone I knew asked their relative who was having an EA with a married man:<p>"So, you think it's okay that he has his emotional needs met by you as long as you allow his wife to meet his sexual needs? And it's okay for him to neglect his wife's emotional needs to meet yours as long as he only has sex with his wife?"<p>When a MM has the type of R tearsquit describes, he is expending emotional energy and time on the OW that should be devoted to his W and family. And the OW is enabling his neglect of his W and family.<p>I had plenty of male friends when I was single, but they were also single. There are plenty of single male shoulders available.

Tearsquit<p>You are right that men and women can be friends. I’ve very close male friends in which the relationships did not go any further.<p>One of the best measures as to whether or not a spouses friend is ‘inappropriate” is whether or not that person can be friends with both spouses. If you are only his friend and have distain for his wife, then your relationship is not good for his marriage… affair or not. From what you say, you care about only one things here: That your needs are met by him. You don’t give a hoot about his wife or his marriage. Friends are not like that.<p>The salient point in your story is this: <p>……re: He is my best friend and we talk about everything. He tells me his problems and I tell him mine.<p>Is this man telling you intimate things about his relationship with his wife? If he is then he is plain out of line. Even if he’s discussing things like their finances, etc. It is disrespectful and disloyal for a married person to do this. Even with a same sex friend. If he tells you, then his wife has no chance to deal with their marriage on an even basis. He has you to back him up against his wife. What goes on in home in a family and between husband and wife should not be shared with anyone except professional counselors. I would be furious if I found out that my H was doing this. <p>He should be discussing his problems with his wife not you. And if they need outside help, then they should decide together who they will use as a support system.<p>…..re: Of course his wife hates me, I guess.<p>I am not surprised to find this out. You say that you have read everything on this website. Then you know about POJA. Well, if you wife does not approve of his relationship with you then he is showing her gross disrespect. Anything that hurts on of them hurts both of them. He is not protecting and caring for his wife. That is his priority. <p>I’d bet my last dollar that if you were married, and your H had the same type of relationship that you have with this man, you would not like it much either.<p>You know, I would never have a friend with anyone who my husband hated. Nor would I have a friendship with anyone who spoke with that type of distain about my husband. I expect him to honor me in the same way.<p>Being friends does not mean that you share the gory details of your personal lives to the point that it hurts each other’s significant other. That is not being a friend that is interfering.<p>Tearsquit, you may not understand what we are telling you here until the day that your H or SO has this type of relationship with another women.

tearsquit,<p>The ow in my situation keeps rubbing shoulders with married men all over the place. I wish she would wither away. But, she is not here for help or whatever you are here for.<p>What brought you here, btw? We do care for you and I hope we didn't scare you off. I think mostly we are trying to help you develop healthy relationships and challenge you to be the friend and available woman you should be. Being too close to a MM spells disaster for a number of reasons. Including rumors that get back to the wife. That is what happened to the ow and another MM in my situation. She now has no friendship with him. Is that what you want? To be cast aside by this man when he is forced to choose between you and his wife? Don't put him in that situation (he may do it himself but it doesn't have to be you) and you won't be hurt. You can have a healthy relationship with him without being as close as you are. Besides, when you do find a special man who really wants to be with you and be everything to you, will you give up your MM then? <p>I know that we have asked some tough questions, but by venturing to speak up, I know you can take it. Please stay with us and engage in the give and take that can teach you and us so much.<p>Hoping

I never said his emotional or sexual needs were not met. I only said I was a friend of the opposite sex. Boy r sure do know how to take it out of context. Saw the sight and wanted to add my opinion.

tearsquit you shouldn't be meeting ANY needs for a married man and a married man shouldn't be meeting any of yours. <p>why did you choose you name?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tearsquit:
<strong>I never said his emotional or sexual needs were not met. I only said I was a friend of the opposite sex. Boy r sure do know how to take it out of context. Saw the sight and wanted to add my opinion.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Let me ask directly:<p>Are you married?<p>Does this other man's wife know you have cried on his shoulder, and why do you think she dislikes you?<p>Is it beyond your rhelm of reasoning why we (as spouses who have been betrayed by our H's with their other women who were almost always "just friends") would question your friendship?

Tearsquit,<p>If you are listening to his problems and he yours.... then you are filling an emotional need for him.... conversation, affection (listening to a person is a form of affection), admiration, and perhaps more.

Well Ms. Tears unless you have actually walked in the shoes of what these BS' have gone through you may never really know their pain. <p>Yes it is possible to be friends, with respect. Just to show that your POV has not gone unnoticed and that we are not going to 'assume' that every friendship is an A, I will share with you my experience. <p>Many moons ago, I met a man and we became quick 'friends'. I felt there was honesty in our relationship and yes we did work together. Hm.........the missing piece. He did not tell me he was separated from his W (means he was still M but in process of the D). Why did he need to tell me? We were just friends. When I found out he was M was when his W called about some recipes she found from the 'girls at work'. Well it seems this 'friend' liked to cook and so some of us exchanged recipes. She picked mine and called me. <p>Remember we were friends, but his W did not see it that way. Remember I did not know that his M was on the rocks. We were just friends. So I took the subtle sarcastic remarks from his W and played it off. As a friend, I confronted my 'friend' and said why was I subjected to an attack from your W? Didn't even know you were M? He admitted and gave his current status. Evidently he felt I would like him less if I knew he was M. WhY? We were just friends. Hm........obviously he wasn't think just friends but I was. Ok.....it goes on from there, I began to develope feelings for this 'friend'. He proved his separation and D. Hm........... but he still lied to me. That was a big deal for me. I was young but not dumb, knowing this.....I told my 'friend' that if you ever see me again to cross the street and walk on the other side. He left the company where we both worked and later so did I. <p>Now? Well that was 20 years ago, about 5 years ago, I saw 'my friend' at Costco. Remember we both remembered my last words to him. What do you think this 'friend' did?<p>Well, out of respect for me, he abided by my request and I moved forward. My heart hurt bad but I was married and had my handsome baby boy sitting in the cart infront of me. I kept repeating to myself, 'I love my H and my son' thoughout the entire store. <p>My Friend? I respect him to this day for respecting me. WE no longer converse but the respect is still there. I do know that we both still carry feelings for each other but not the kind that would cause hurt or disloyalty to either family. <p>In our case, to be a real friend means being 'friends from a distance.'<p>L.<p>[ March 18, 2002: Message edited by: Orchid ]</p>

Well now that I have shed more tears, I am just me. I have been through every thing here. I will not see a married man. It's just that we are friends. I have been single a long time and don't know what else to do. I am so lonely. I would never dream of breaking up their marriage. I came here to learn about what happened to my 13 year relationship w/ a man who did not married me and we had 2 kids. I just want to be a good partner next time, thats all.

Then Tears, <p>Believe it or not, I think you have come to a learning place. When you can, please take a look at a book called, his needs/her needs. An eye opener to those of us who 'think' we know the other gender but really don't. (myself included)<p>Let us know what you think about it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks,
L.

New_beginnings must think he or she knows it all. Sorry to say u don't. I have been through a mental and very physical abusive relationship. So don't ask me til I walk in your shoes. Honey, I have walked in yours and many more. Don't judge me on my friends. Yes many men wonder, hell mine did. But I don't believe in it. So go judge somebody else. And let me have my opinion.

Zorweb-First of all, I found out the hard way the being friends with both the H and wife DOES NOT prevent a friendship from leading to an affair. It was my BEST friend that my H chose for his lover. And yes, tearsquit, it did just start out as 'talking.' Which eventually led her to MY BED and them having sex at her house and in her car. All the while pretending to still be MY friend. I used to think I could easily be 'friends' with men too while I was married. But I found out in counseling what was appropriate, what wasn't. Decided I wasn't taking any chances after my marriage was almost destroyed by a 'friend.'<p>If this friend would confide his 'problems' to his wife, they could work on them and make their marriage stronger. I firmly believe that every affair starts with 'talking.' But too often that talking leads to a false intimacy that leads to the point of no return. 4 of my closest friends are going thru divorce at this time. And one of their H's affair began because of 'talking.' Well, now that 7 kids' lives have been destroyed, the H and OW live together...which should give them plenty of time to TALK.<p>Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's just that once you've been on this side, you don't want to see anybody ever go there again. Good luck and I hope you find the answers you are looking for

dear tears- so tell us your story so we can get to know you. you happened to touch on a sensitive subject- we have all made mistakes, thats why we are all here. lets all start over and listen if she will explain her situation. im listening and waiting to know you.

maggierose .... you are right on that one. <p>What I meant is that if a spouse insists on keeping a friendship totally separate from the other spouse, it’s a big red flag.<p>Though, like you said, being both parties friend is no guarantee that an affair will not happen.

Tears,<p>Correction here. You want to correct the one who made the shoes statement, you gotta shoot me. NB did not make that statement, I did. <p>I wasn't judging you, just making a statement and if you see also giving you an example. Of course we don't know you and you don't know any one of us. At least not yet...... Hmmmmmmmm? <p>Ok, given that there is still something to be gained here but it is important to have a working attitude. If you would like to share your story great. <p>
L. <p>ps: just for starters? well you may find out that many here have been through quite a bit. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Well I feel I was not given a chance. I was simply replying to something that I knew about. I guess I'll go back to reading. Sorry to ruin your day.

I'm not sure tearsquit will be back, but maybe you'll lurk again, this is not to bash your point of view, but maybe to shed some light on why you got the responses you did. First off this is a Marriage Builders site and this is the Infidelity forum, that alone should have been a clue, but if not here's a post you might be interestesd in, it is my hope that it will shed some light on why we BS feel the way we do about "friends."<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=001414<p>Bridgette

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by tearsquit:
<strong>New_beginnings must think he or she knows it all. Sorry to say u don't. I have been through a mental and very physical abusive relationship. So don't ask me til I walk in your shoes. Honey, I have walked in yours and many more. Don't judge me on my friends. Yes many men wonder, hell mine did. But I don't believe in it. So go judge somebody else. And let me have my opinion.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well, since it seems that I wasn't really the one who ticked you off, I won't tell you that I am not judging you, I am judging your situation -- because I HAVE BEEN THERE. <p>I was really good friends with this man I worked with, and we talked about all sorts of stuff. I thought I was safe, after all I had been married 18 years. My H had cheated on me many times, but I never lowered myself to his level -- UNTIL this man. We talked and laughed and cried and shared... and then one day we ended up in a hotel room. It only happened once, but my life, as I knew it, was over.<p>I was trying to warn you. I know you don't think you need a warning. Okay, fair enough.<p>Best wishes as you travel this road... I hope you can do what many of us in your situation couldn't -- stop it once it begins.<p>I wish you peace.