In the "spirit of honesty" yesterday, my husband showed me a card he received at work from friends of the OW who they had dinner with 3 times while he was living with her. The front of the card had a poem about "Special Friends" with *much* underlining of what the individual thought were key points, I guess. On the inside, the friend of the OW wished my husband a happy birthday, said she hoped they could all remain friends and she would still like to bake him a birthday cake (he doesn't even *like* cake for crying out loud!) as she had promised. She gave him her phone number and asked him to call her by today so she could make him the cake.<p>Hello? What is wrong with these people? I so badly want to call these people and tell them that my husband and *I* would love to remain friends and would they like to come over to *our* house and play cards? <p>And then to make matters even more fun, after reading the card, I wanted to just shut myself away for a little while and deal with the pain before dealing with my husband. But we were getting ready to leave for his first counseling session and so I couldn't do that. Then he got mad at me for how I reacted (withdrawing) and said he's not going to show me anything else. He kept at me until I yelled back and told him how disgusted I was with the stupid, idiot people who could send a card like that, like having an affair is a perfectly okay thing and we should all kiss and make up. I also told him I was sure the OW was behind it and had planted the idea in their minds. <p>I just wish everyone would go away and leave us alone! I DO NOT LIKE the world that has been revealed to me, nor some of the people who inhabit it.

Dedex,<p>Is his offer of honesty contingent ONLY on your approval or silence about the subject in which he is honest about? In other words, he will only be honest if there is no negative reaction to VERY NEGATIVE, HURTFUL things? That would be called conditional honesty. He can't expect you to have a good reaction to bad things. He has to be willing to face the consequences of the damage he has caused. <p>On the other hand, as hard as it may be for you, I would suggest holding my tongue and avoiding lovebusters as much as possible when he is honest. I would definately have a conversation with him about this and explain that you can't be expected to be overjoyed at things like this, but on the other hand you will do your best to remain calm and appreciate his honesty. He needs to understand how hard this is for you, but how important his honesty is to the recovery of your marriage. <p>It is unrealistic of him, however, to expect you to sit in silence at things like this. And that a negative reaction from you is one of the natural consequences after what he has done. He has to be willing to face those consequences if he wants your marriage to recover.

I think you can safely bet the card was initated by OW. Hum, met someone 3 times and feel you have to bake them a cake? Maybe you can write her a card thanking her for her generous offer, it would let them know he shares with you.
When in the affair, my H father passed away. He got a sympathy card signed by other woman and her coworkers. It was very friendly, not the kind of thing coworkers would buy. H left it out for me to see, in the spriit of showing how they were just friends I guess. Then it disappaered. Funny how we took all the other cards to show his Mom, but not that one.
I know it is hard, but I do think you need to thank him for his honasty. Because you dont want him to hide the next one.

I did thank him for his honesty and we were able to move past the initial anger and hurt and talk about the issue. I think a lot of his anger was more an old habit of his -- he had a bad day at work and was venting his frustration on me. He was also anxious about his first counseling session. He's aware he's doing it, we just need to figure out how to change the behavior.<p>He had ripped the card up and dumped it in the trash last night, but I think I'm going to retrieve it and respond with a friendly thank you. Basically because I know it will get back to the OW. Still, the audicity of some people makes my eyes cross! I hate playing these stupid little games.

Dedex: It's ok to want to withdraw, and it's natural. It took me awhile to get used to the fact that I needed to allow my husband time to take in all the information, work it through and then talk it over with me. That's something your husband needs to learn. When you hear/read things like this your emotions are going to take over. All this is fresh right now, and you are adjusting and learning as so is he. The two of you need to work together. If something like this comes up again try this. . . if he asks what's wrong and you haven't really pulled it all together try saying something like "I'm not exactly sure, give me a few minutes to digest this before we talk about it." This way he knows you aren't just shutting down the communication. Also, you could simple let him know that you are upset with this and you just need some time to draw in all the information. You are not uspet with him but if he gives you a little time to ponder it all that the conversation then will be much more productive and less likely to turn into a huge fight. Talk to him about these things before a situation arises. Let him know that you know the two of you are adjusting to many things right now. That you know it's not always easy to talk, but that you are working on it. That sometimes you just need a few minutes to calm your emotions, but that doesn't mean you are shuttin him out. Etc. I think you get the idea. I hope this helps.<p>Also, as for the card and cake deal - I don't see any reason why you shouldn't call this person and mention that you would love to meet them and that hopefully all of you can be friends, how about cards at our house . . . If they are sincere, you might have some new friends, if not, maybe they will back off some. <p>One other thing, did you mention to your husband that you appreciated his honesty? This is important. We need to know that although what we have done may have upset you at the moment, it wasn't us that upset you or what we did. We need to know that we did the right thing. Let him know that although it bothered you at the time that you appreciate him being open and honest. That you want him to know that even though something may initially upset you for whatever reason, you still want him to be able to talk to you.<p>Best to you.