Now my husband is receiving cards from friends of the OW trying to convince him of... what? For him to again leave me and take her back or just to remain friends with her? I don't know. If you're interested you can read the whole vent about that here: <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016552<p>Anyway, I'm sick and tired of this. I'm sick of her showing up at his workplace and putting herself in positions where he has to see her. Another vent here:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016529<p>I know that writing to her isn't likely to do one bit of good as far as getting her totally out of our life, but it might make me feel better. I am also feeling this need to get across to her that I am a *real* person with feelings and not the ogress that she believes I am (partially due to my husband's lies about our relationship and partially due to her having to "not think about me" in order to continue in her relationship with my husband.). Of course, I also recognize the futility of that. I am just tired of sitting here and doing *nothing*.

Dedex: First, I am sorry you have to deal with this. I feel for you, and as a WS/OW, I know you pain is real and I hope that helps some.<p>Now, I would have to say that before you write or talk to the OW you must first be able to accept that you don't care what she thinks of you and realize that she may have some pretty nasty things to say - just 'cause. Understand, I'm not speaking from experience, but I do realize that there are people like that. So, prepare yourself for the worse, that way you can't be hurt. You have to want to do this for you and only you. This way no matter what transpires it won't matter, you have said your peace and that's all you wanted.<p>As for the not speaking from experience, I say this because my O/MM's wife called me. Actually, we had a very civialized conversation. I was starting rebuilding with my H and realizing the depths to which I allowed myself to fall. I was remorseful. I did a lot of listening. Not much I could say. I didn't try to justify anything, nor did I express any feelings for her WH. I listened, allowed her to talk, and eventually told her that . . . "I know this probably won't mean much to you know, but for what it's worth, and hopefully one day you will see I mean it, I am truly sorry for what I have done to you." She agreed it didn't mean anything to her, but she did thank me for that. I meant it from the bottom of my heart, and I think that one day it will help her find her peace.<p>In any event, whatever you decide to do, I wish you well. You are a real person, and your pain is real too. Don't ever let anyone make you doubt that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I think it would be treading on dangerous territory, only your husband can make you more real in the OW's eyes by telling her he wants you and for her to go away. If it would make you feel better in some manner, then go for it. But, don't expect to much on her end.

Dedex,<p>I think that contacting the OW is futile...and will cause you only more frustration and pain..also be careful in recovery that you work this issue out between you and your husband..lots of bs are happy to let the OM/OW become the "root of all evil" in this world as it takes away the spot-light from the WS
the onus of responsibility actually lies with your husband...<p>He can/should refuse the card from people with whom he has no interest in having a "hallmark type" of relationship with or take it politely and NOT open it...or tell them clearly that he and you are looking forward to a spending a wonderful time together on his birthday...
Throw it away...it is of no matter to the two you and your relationship...but HE is the one needed to set the limit..not the OW..not the OW's friends...<p>be strong Dedex..empower yourself..
Work together thoughtfully and openly...let go of what you can not control or change in others..be good to you..
ARK

Thanks all. I've come to my senses. I really, really want to have some contact with her and writing has always been my weapon of choice, so to speak. But when I thought about what I wanted to write, most of it was me trying to convince her what horrible person she must be (in a nice, polite way of course!) and also trying to get her to back off of my husband out of respect for him. All of which could potentially just make matters worse. I just have this overpowering need to DO something, ANYTHING!! Things are pretty calm now and it's like if I'm not dealing with a crisis, I'm not alive.

OW worked with my H & I. He had encouraged us to be friends before I developed a clue of something fishy going on. I told her to back off, that the path they were on (suspected EA, but they had PA also for 9 mo to 1 yr)was wrong & how mistakes were made. She gave me the usual crap "just one of the guys" "if I were a guy, you wouldnt say this"
(well, no @#*$ sherlock! If she were a guy my husband wouldnt be phoning her in secret, spending 8 hrs a day in her offfice , often with door shut, secretly emailing her, and scheduling work trips out of town to same town/hotel & lie to me GRRR).<p>Anyway, she ran & told my H everything & lies & weaseled her way into his brain & the brains he sits on too!! She never stopped. She concentrated her efforts. I found out much later, when she told me she "would never do anything to jeopardize her own marriiage" she was already getting divorced from her own husband. And the witch has a 3 yr old son. ANd I found out that months later when I called her a whore I was perfectly accurate. She would stop at the smut shop & buy things on the way home on the weekend she did not have custody of her son. SHe wears victorias secret (more likely fredericks). When I asked my H if she was that much better & did she wear a thing? His instant response was NOt "well I dont know, I havent been with her OR I dont know what a thong is". He didnt even try to lie. His eyes got huge & he says to me angrily "You talked to her husband!!" I guess that makes my answer a yes.<p>Sorry for the vent. I hate OW. Any woman with an ounce of dignity would go find herself a single man and not interfere in a married mans life. She should have said she didnt want to get involved in our life. But NOO. . she manipulated & lied to my H something awful and he believed HER!! He left me for HER! He came back who knows why but he will likely leave again. I have seen her driving around our side of town too. GRR<p>No matter what you say, how hurt you are, how you are not as bad as he m ay say, how you loved each other, how children are involved, the OW does not care. SHe only cares about herself and her selfish manipulative desires. She is playing games with your H, & eventually this will come to light. She wont care what you say. If she cared what you thought, she would not have become involved with your H. She is in the fog as much as he is. Sorry, I am angry. Big Nerve hit!!! My husband and I were both virgins, married almost 10 years, together 15 & she undid all this in a matter of moinths. He is completely brainwashed!! I cant undo the damage she did. Im sure he fantazises about her & what they did sexually. Alot more than romantic. I am not inhibited, but jeepers, they acted worse than a porn movie!! GRR. ANd why did I take him back? I'm begiinning to wonder!

Talking to OP is something that Steve suggested to me. Mind you, that was based on his experience of my situation.<p>I did it recently - you could do a search to find my pre and post talk posts.<p>I did it for me first and foremost, with no expectations of what it would do for WS/OP. In fact, Steve warned me that it would make me less attractive to WS, but that the damage would be done, so to speak.<p>What were my results?<p>It really did introduce a level of reality into things that had sorely been lacking. It hugely inflamed WW - she said it was her worst nightmare come true. (Hmm, my vindictive side gets a slight chuckle out of that, sadly.)<p>But it hasn't stopped the A. In fact, it might have had the effect of pushing her into his arms. BUT. Is that such a bad thing? Maybe not. Recall from SAA that Plan B might seem like pushing the WS into OP's arms, but really all its doing is giving the A a chance to succeed, and usually they fail under such stress.<p>So I think Steve is a wise man. I may or may not save my M - yet to be determined. But for me, just to stand in front of this guy and let him see my face - that's great stuff. Every time he sees her now, he will see me on some level. He'll know some truths that had been hidden from him, too. I've started popping the cork on this thing. We'll see how it goes.<p>One thing... if you're looking for maximum impact, a letter isn't optimal. Face-to-face is best. Again, it's that mental image thing. Also, the OP can't dodge so easily - they're forced into an extremely ackward situation.<p>It isn't an easy thing to do well. You can't be out to educate, have to be composed, and need to come across as the "better person" to be truly effective.

You know what? I'd do it. Here's my reasoning:<p>I was an OW once, and there's some things that might have made a difference to me... one of those things would have been a heartfelt letter from the SO of the man I was having the affair with. <p>I was also a BS, several times over, and although I didn't write the OW's, I did meet with one, and our little meeting DID seem to do the trick. <p>All I'd say is not to put yourself "out there" emotionally - like, say that you're working on your marriage, but don't say that you're having sexual problems (not that you are, I'm just giving an example). <p>Just my two cents worth... as someone who's been there.