Oneday and anyone else. I mentioned this on my thread and thought you may find it interesting. See if the description fits for your Husband. <p>Some people mistake Passive Aggressive with ADD. Here is some about it. Also know ADD has NOTHING to do with being hyper that is ADHD.
The partner with ADD is likely to be less organized, less predictable, and less attentive than the other one. It can be easy for the non-ADD partner to misinterpret those behaviors as "not caring" or as being "passive-aggressive".......that's simply NOT TRUE in most cases! Most of the time ADD behaviors which cause problems are not malicious behaviors -- usually it's just a case of the ADD not being managed well and the person needing to learn more coping skills. It helps to keep in mind a "biological perspective" though -- that the basis for most ADD behavior is biological in nature -- it has to do with how the brain works -- and is NOT usually due to bad intentions or lack of caring! It's also easy for the non-ADD partner to become frustrated and fall into a critical/blaming mode of behavior -- that usually just makes things worse. Sit down and discuss specific behaviors which are causing problems and then make some changes in how things are done -- like any couple must do, with or without ADD. Focus on the BEHAVIOR as the problem though, not the PERSON -- very important distinction! Another problem is if the non-ADD partner becomes the "rescuer" in the relationship, and the person with ADD takes on the "helpless victim" role. This is very bad for BOTH partners involved and will only lead to more problems. The couple needs to clearly delegate responsibility for certain duties or jobs, and EACH of them has to follow through on their end without being babied or bullied by the other. The person with ADD needs to structure the environment in whatever way he/she needs to make sure that those things get done! People with ADD are not "crippled" in any sense and should never use ADD as an excuse for irresponsible behavior. If some behavior is a problem.....fix it!! Never make excuses.<p>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
our marriage counselor asked me to research it
because he has a VERY hard time being honest with us and with himself. <p>Our marriage counselor wants to further explore his personal integrity/personal power/reasons he lies and cheats before bringing up ADD because she does not want him to use it as an excuse. <p>I took the 20 question test in Driven to
Distraction. I answered 3 yes's 12 maybe's and 5 no's for him. It made me realize how little I know about my Husband. It sounds like he will need to take it but until he can get honest it is useless. He is being honest now because I threatened separation (that is his pattern of hyperfocusing on our marriage when in jeapordy but then going back to distraction when the dust settles and he is not in jeapordy of leaving the house)

Howdee,<p>I am diagnosed with ADD also, and yes it can make an imact on the marriage or any relationship. Driven to dirstraction is a good book. Have your H see a psychologist/psychiatrist if you arent sure if he has it, not only might it make your relationship a little better, it might also make his quality of life better.<p>Noone likes ADD especially those of us who have it. It is far from an excuse, but definately can be a big factor in the destruction of a realtionship. Many ADD'ers have relationship problems and it is only worse if you dont know you have it or acknoweldge it because it can be controlled to some extent by just knowing and trying to self contain some of the symptoms. Making lists, a boatload of postit notes, trying to put a stranglehold on your attention, making sure to sit on the side of a table facing the wall (less distractions) things like that.
Also Meds can help a huge ton as well. <p>Good luck!<p>I will say one big thing lacking are books on ADD and relationships there are a few but none I've found that I like... then again having ADD I have trouble sitting and reading through a whole book sometimes hehe.<p>Let me know if you have any questions I've done a good bit of looking into it.<p>Do you know if anyone else in his family has it? It often runs in the family... Everyone of course has SOME signs of it, but it is just a problem when it negatively affects your life. <p>-HI

Thanks for sharing HangingIn <p>I'm not sure if anyone else in his family has it. I think a LOT of people have it and it goes undiagnosed - what a tragedy. Plus I think it is ruining marriages because people just don't know. <p>His Dad is notorious for promising to send the kids stuff and not following through. Its not late - it NEVER comes!!! But he doesn't live here so we don't get to see it. He does tend to have a LOT of relationships with a LOT of women. But like my H that is the personal integrity issue that needs to be addressed before looking into ADD. <p>My thinking is that maybe he just has a LOT of
unresolved issues with his childhood upbringing.
I was a complete mess when I first got into counseling (1992) because of my upbringing. One counselor even suggested I may be borderline manic depressive. I had all the symptoms but I think I was just screwed up and depressed and needed to learn a lot of life skills. I am thinking that is all he needs too. cause this ADD
just doesn't seem to "fit". One thing glaringly doesn't fit is my H is a COMPLETE NEAT FREAK. I am keeping my eyes and ears open though. I don't want to fall into denial.<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

Thanks for the information. The description does not really fit my H's personality. And he has gone to IC and to a psychiatrist (both regularly). He definitely has other disorders, but not ADD.<p>Interesting information, though. I was not aware that the symptoms in adults were like those described.<p>Hugs,<p>OneDay

Can you please direct me to sites that decribe ADD and passive aggressive behaviors. I am sure my H has something along these lines, and it is exhausting and frustrating. I need to get more insight, otherwise he and I will continue to butt heads forever, I cant be on his case for things that he hasnt had a chance to work on yet. On the other hand, I only have so much energy, actually I have very little energy left, when it comes to fixing the problems his behaviors have caused. I have my own set of self created problems to work on and I am exhausted from trying to carry too much of his load. He constantly bites off more than he can chew with work and it wears him out and every one around him too. It exhausts me just thinking about it. I need to find out how much of this is him being uncaring/disrespectful and how much is possibly from a disorder problem.

Passive Aggressiveness: <p>http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html<p>Give me a few minutes I have a LOT on ADD but it still seems vague to me.<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: I LuvNprotect ME ]</p>

ADD:<p>There are two good books:
Driven to Distraction
and
You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy?<p>If you go to Amazon.com you can read some of the pages of the books there.<p>Here are some links I found helpful:<p>http://add.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flash. net%2F%7Ebrainwks%2Fadd16.html<p>http://www.ncpamd.com/ADDandInvertebrates.htm<p>http://www.agmc.org/add/add2.html<p>http://www.agmc.org/add/add3.html<p>http://www.onlinepharmacy.com.au/AilmentsandDiseases/attention_deficit_disorder.htm<p>http://www.ncpamd.com/Marriage_and_ADHD.htm<p>http://www.ncpamd.com/ADDandResponsibility.htm<p>http://add.about.com/library/blemotions.htm