For several months we weren’t getting along. I was tempted to cheat while I was out of town but didn’t. I was suspicious of my wife’s client that we would see at many functions. I complained to her about their closeness and her neglect of me. A month ago I found the emails that confirmed everything. I moved out for only 4 days but after counseling I went back. We have been seeing a councilor for a month but I still don’t feel better. The thoughts of the mother of my three children wife of 17 years with that man are killing me. As details have unfolded the deceit she pulled haunts me. I have hard proof of one night they slept together but I suspect four. She denies it even in counseling. I don’t think she is being honest even now, how can we continue is she won't come clean. Should I just forget about it and move on. The bad things she said about me hurt, she has said that is was just to get the OM attention. I really do believe the other man is out of the picture. I'm not sure I wouldn't like someone new but I'm affraid. Would I be better off splitting up.

Have you read the pages of this website? How about getting your Wife to? Look up the "RADICAL HONESTY" section, that may help with her being honest and open with you. Also, keep up with the counselling.<p>Next...Do you love her? That would be the first thing to consider, rather than ask, should I split. If you do, at least try making the marriage better. Don't leave yourself with any "what-ifs" down the road. Don't make a rash or impulse decision, think it through and thoroughly. Again, dont leave any what ifs.<p>Initial shock is very nerve-racketing. It should be, it is a life altering situation.<p>Coming here will be a lot of help to you, especially the website. Without it I can only wonder where I/we would be in our marriage. This site, discussion forum and counselling has helped more than I think anything else could have, except probably that the affair not happening.

TheD<p>No one else has replied to you yet, and there are some here who will guide you through this better than I would be able to, so I'll be brief.<p>What is your first gut feeling about your marriage?<p>Do you think it is repairable?<p>You guys obviously have not been fulfilling each others needs within your relationship, so both of you have been tempted to feel filled up somewhere else. You didnt cave, she did. But you're both there.<p>What do you believe about marriage?<p>Can you remember what you declared to each other on your wedding day?<p>This sounds cliche but, what about your kids? Of course it is not good for them to be exposed to a relationship that shows no love...so you owe it to them to work on it...let them see you guys dealing with conflict and resolving problems...help equip them with life skills in communication through your own relationship with your wife.<p>Maybe you dont want to hear this, but I definately think you guys have got to hang in there and work through it. Its going to seem impossible and youre going to be tempted to give up. But is the grass really greener over there?<p>How did you come to know of this site?
Have you read any of Dr Harleys writings?
Check them out right now...go to the home page and immerse yourself in the stuff on Infidelity. Go slowly, but go.<p>I hope others will be along soon to help you. Keep asking questions and tell us how things are going. But dont make any plans yet. Stay where you are and try to research as much as you can on all this.<p>Don't give up!<p>Dancer

Thanks, We have been reading the articles on the web site. I do have a lot of love for my wife and I think she loves me. However with the stuf I read from her to him I have my doubts about her true feelings. I don't want to be a few years down the road and have to deal with this again. It hurts way too much. We have been trying to work things out and have been close. But then again there's those doubts. I'm concerned she just wants to gat back to normal, I've put the time into the web site etc. She just wants me to forgive and forget. It's tough for me because we moved here 85o miles away from home 1 1/2 years ago and she is the only close person I have to talk to.<p>[ March 24, 2002: Message edited by: TheD ]</p>

I have had a similar situation so I do understand the fear of trust and wondering if it will happen again. That for me has been the hardest thing to gain back and I still havent. I believe if the both of you are willing to give alittle each day to meet each others emotional needs then slowly but in time your trust will come back. She also needs to be patient with you too. She is ready for this pain for both of you to be gone so she acts as if every thing is okay and that is understandable however you are still healing, so I would suggest that you talk,talk,and talk about how each of you are feeling so she can understand better how you are feeling and vice versa.

If you have to ask whether splitting up is the right thing, then it certainly ISN'T, at least not yet! This is a terrible thing to have to deal with, for all of us, but it does not have to be the end of a relationship. Affairs are a consequence of relationship problems that can be fixed. Once they are fixed, there is no reason to expect an affair would happen again. In fact, I bet a lot of relationships (certainly mine and others I know of) are stronger and better than they were before the A. Of course, all of us would go back if we could! Just know that there is a path to recovery. You are in a lot of pain right now but try to think of the long run and what is better for you.

We have been talking a lot, however I'm wondering if everything she is saying is the truth. I mean she told me many lies to have this affair. Then lied when I was susipious. I'm affraid right now I'm the meal ticket and this OM basicly dumped her. I'm afraid in in the long run it will happen again when I'm not just perfict in her mind.

Its going to take a while to trust her again. There is no given time on how long it takes to trust again. Its been a year and a half since I found out,and I still can't trust my H yet. But I just take it a day at a time. Right now your still in shock by it. You have to get past the anger first. I am no longer angry at my H but it took a long time to get here. Once you finally get past the anger and resentment then you can work on healing from the hurt and eventually trust again. Keep up the counceling!

The D,<p>I know exactly how you feel with trusting her with "TRUTH". I in my relationship & marriage, didn't get the "truth" about anything of importance for over 6+ years. Now I have the unbelievable task of accepting everything she says as true, I have many reasons to be suspicious, but I have to try to take what she says as fact & truth. Since D-Day I wonder what is harder sometimes, the A or her being honest. I know the answer to that of course (the A) but sometimes I wonder. It's truely hard sometimes.

Dear TheD<p>In some ways last year, I was where your wife is now. I had a hurtful affair and truly thought I loved the other woman without giving a thought to my family. At times I deceived my wife and let her believe it was over when it wasn&#8217;t. I did not want to end the affair and could not tell the truth to my wife (or myself) until I put an end to it and said STOP! Only then could I even see the truth and realize the damage I had done to my wife, the damage I would do to my son, and begin to explore the reasons for my affair. I think your wife has to clearly STOP first. The good news is that I too was so far removed from the truth only a short while ago and now I can see a path to building a better marriage with the woman I truly love today; my wife. I can also relate to your decision to leave or go. I know my wife is struggling with the question of whether or not to get her needs met outside our marriage or work within the marriage to grow. I pray my wife chooses to stay and I hope you do too. I am doing everything I can to rebuild the trust, the affection, and the love between us. Do not write off your wife yet despite her inability to face the truth today.