This is the second part of a problem that started this morning.. Here's the link. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016730<p>
I'll wait while everyone catches up...<p>
Ok, guys.. The rollercoaster tricked me this ride isn't quite over. Hubby and I were chit chatting a bit just now. And he tells me that he seen a guy he worked with last night. Guess he looked trashed. Guess a few guys went out to a local bar here after work. <p>Yup, you know what I'm thinking. Wait!! Don't most bars close at 2AM?! How could they go to a bar after 2AM? Unless they went before 2AM? Which means.. he got off before 2 AM, but didn't get home til around 3:00 or 3:30. Closer to 3:00, by my guess. <p>I'm staying calm altho my insides are torn up. I'm shaking and smoking like a chimeny. <p>I tell H calmly that I need to know the truth. I told him I was going to call Delanys, the bar, and find out when they close. Then if it's 2AM I'll call his work and ask them what time they left. I calmly explained it sounds very fishy and in the long run if I'm wrong he has nothing to lose. If I'm right he will have explaining to do. <p>He let me make the calls. Delany's Closes every night at 2AM. Hmmm, dont smell good. So I call work. Talk with a lady who was working last night too. I didn't say who I was just asked what time did everyone get out of there last night. She says she doesn't quite know. Asked for a guesstimate.. She states around 2AM. Asks her so you were out of there before 3:45? yup.. Way before.. Thanked her and hung up. Now I'm fuming, but only on the inside. *The lady I talked to I recall Joe saying John, the manager, had to wait til she finished the office work cuz she was giving him a ride home. Now if she got off about 2AM the boss leaves with her, where did H go? It takes 5 min to drive from my driveway to his work. <p>With calmly telling him WHY this doesn't smell right. (Why am I explaining my view on this?) He still claims he came right from work home. He wasn't wearing his watch.. ::rolling eyes:: I told him bring me proof. Solid hard proof that he worked until at leat 3. Now I'm the bad guy cuz I'm not believing him. All I want is proof. Right now H is still denying everything and acting like nothing is wrong, but I can tell SOMETHING isn't right here. I'm the bad guy cuz I'm not buying it til I see proof.<p>Will this ride ever quit? I WANT off.

Anyone know how to handle this.. Im letting it slide for now till I can get some others insite.

Hi, <p>Well a 'quick' answer would be for you to put some distance between the 2 of you until U calm down a bit. I am not saying you are wrong to be upset but in this country unfortunately it is innocent til proven guilty. Can't say I always agree with that line 'specially when they 'smell' guilty but that's the law. <p>So until you can simmer down a bit, I recommend a safe distance. Now while you are out there go get the book, love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. At the library or bookstore. Read it and post back your thoughts. <p>L.

Well... <p>just a preface... I spent the six years before d-day in extreme anger and frustration. I blew up and threw tantrums, the likes of which only serve to embarrass me now.... <p>Anger is justifiable.... but what you do with that anger is up to you. You can be productive or nonproductive.<p>For me... I have had to learn to take a time out. I don't 'blow up' and feel justified doing so. I weigh and think about my words very carefully... what is my purpose? I think about potential LBs to eliminate them.<p>Secondly... if when your H is caught in lies, your USUAL reaction is anger... try disinterest... your anger probably triggers that "I'm being controlled." feeling... that will push most WSs right out the door... <p>Finally... really work at using "When you... I feel..." statements... then you are expressing YOUR feelings and to WSs feels less like you are blaming them... sometimes even 'parroting' or repeating what they have said to you helps... funny things happen when they hear their own words with their own ears coming out of your mouth...<p>O... and an old-timer here once wrote to me... "You can be right and you can be married... you can't always be both." You are probably right and justified in your anger... but what prize are you going to win with it?<p>
Good luck,
Cali

He already knows you don't believe him, right? So, just tell him that because of the history of his infidelity you need the extraordinary precautions Dr. Harley suggests so you can feel safe and secure in your M. Express that that is your need and he is free to meet it or not as he desires, but that as long as that need goes unmet it will negatively affect your feelings toward him and your level of commitment to the M. Then, go on about your business and enjoy life.<p>[ March 28, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>