I really don't know how to deal with this issue. I harbour a great deal (read HUGE) of resentment towards my FWH. <p>I havnt really posted my whole story here before, only kind of glossed over it...Well here it is...<p>In Decemeber 2000, my wonderful H and I had a beautiful baby boy. The joy of our lives. Whilst I was pregnant, I noticed a decrease in our SF. I figured it was due to the pregnacny and him feeling he may "hurt the baby" so I let it slide...<p>After beautiful baby born, no time for sex. Neither of us interested, no time, no energy etc. After my six week checkup from Dr. and getting the "green light" still no SF. Ok I say to myself, give it time, it will happen....<p>Fast forward to February 2001. H gets himself a new cell phone. One with web access. He gets his fool-self involved in a chat line. At first I thought no big deal, Just immature crap, and he will get bored quickly..well he didn't..it became almost an obsession for him..I would find him on it for several hours a day...Silly me, I still thought it would be something he would tire of.<p>Now fast forward to May 2001. I happen to pick up his cell phone, and find him logged in to his chat line name (I wasnt snooping, he left it on the kitchen table) and find a girls phone number on it. I ask him calmly, why is there is phone no. there?? He answers, the cell phone company will start charging for the chat line service and everybody is exchanging numbers so they can keep in touch. I asked him, if he had given anyone his number, he sd no of course not. Then I ask him if he has even spoken with anyone on the phone..again I get an of course not..<p>later in May 2001, I find his phone again, this time, with more intimate talk on the chat line, all directed to him. I now confront him about it, saying this has become a big problem and he needs to do something about it. This becomes a huge screaming match, and he runs over the phone with his van (literally, runs over the phone, backs up, runs over it again and again and again) Well I think to myself, that was horrible, but at least it was over.<p>OK..now we are in July 2001, 2 days before I am to return to work from maternity leave (which is stressful enough in itself) I find the same god damn phone (somehow still intact with its abuse from the van) hidden away in our home. H is getting read for work, when I find it, and I hide it in a new spot. He was running around the house looking for it. I have never sen anyone turn so pale in my life. I ask him whats wrong, you look like you have seen a ghost, he says he is not feeling well, and eventually goes to work. Whilst he was gone, I pretended to be him on this chat line, and gathered much information, about whom he was chatting with. I learned of a few women, many of which he had met in person. Each claiming to have only met him once. <p>More to follow. H is home

When H comes home that day, I confront him with my discovery. He said he was so sorry, and that he was glad Icaught him. He said he was addicted and didnt know how to stop. He said he would come clean with everything. I asked him detailed questions, and he gave me detailed answers. <p>I consdiered a separation as I felt so betrayed and angry, but in the end I decided to try to forgive him and rebuild our marriage. He promised me he would make it up to me in everyway possible.<p>The next few months were very difficult for us. Whilst I was trying to rebuild the marriage with little help from him. I noticed he was drinking a hell of alot more than before (he has always been a heavy drinker) I noticed him becoming depressed, never saw him smile, he never joked around. I didnt know how to help him with this. I suggested councilling, but he refused. Said he was ok. <p>Now its November 2001, a couple weeks before our sons first birthday. I call h at work and they tell me he called in sick. I thought they must be mistaken, because he drove me to work that day, and it was in his work vehicle. LAter that evening when I come home, he says he has something to tell me.<p>He said, he didnt go to work. He got a call from his exgirlfriend who he hasnt seen or spoken to on 10 years. He said he spent the afternoon with her. Just catching up. He said he enjoyed seeing her again, but it meant nothing. I was fuming!! I said this must have been in the works for a few days, and if he intended on seeing an ex he should have told me about it. Afterall, our marraige was pretty rocky already. At that point, the little trust I had built up for him was completely gone. Our evening was a another huge screaming match, he got completely drunk, and swallowed an entire bottle of his blood pressure medication. He looked at me and said : you want to see me die *****!!" I was terrified, I thought Ive witnessed his death. I managed to pull myself together, dig the remaining pills out of his mouth and force him to vomit. He passed out on the couch and I spent the entire night watching him breathe. <p>The following day, I insisted he seek help as I can no longer handle this M. He said he would but nothing came of it.<p>Like I said, our sons bday was around the corner, and Xmas was coming. We decided to stay together for the holidays and consider our options in the new year. <p>The new year came, and we decided to stay together. Things were still very difficult as I still had zero trust in him. But I was committed to make our M work.<p>Late January, We learn that Im pregnant. This is an unplanned pregnancy. I was unsure on what to do. I know this was the absolute worst time to be having a child. Finances were extremely tight, and the M was so shaky. We decided to terminate the pregnancy, but I had to wait nearly three weeks for the procedure.<p>Early February, I find another cell phone. What does he say to me?? You need to stop putting me under a microscope!! I completely lost it. I hit him, sprayed windex at his face, told him I hated him and wanted him gone. He never gave up the chat line at all. He contimued to meet other women (DOZENS)<p>All this time while I was trying to rebuild our M, he was lying straight to my face. Whenever I would question him on anything, he would say that Im paranoid, that Im the one with the problem. He was in complete denial. Here I am pregnant with a child that was'nt planned, my H has been lying to me all along. This was the worst time of my life.<p>I found this site shortly after that. Thank goodness. This has been my only outlet. <p>Today, Im feeling sad. My H is really trying to make things work. However, I fear its too late. There has been too much pain, betrayal, lies. I dont know what to do. I love my H, I think he still loves me. I will be seeing a counciller next week for the first time. I need help here, I need to get over my feelings of resentment. <p>I know H has now stopped the chat line activity, and trying to rebuild the M. But I just cant get over the fact that he has done this to me, not once but twice. <p>Thanks for letting me share my story. Im sorry its so long and detailed.<p>I would appreciate any comments, suggestions etc.
from those who have been down this path before. <p>Susie

bump for comments/advise please

I can not deal with my resentment. Everytime I start to feel good with my husband, I start to think about all the lies, all the fun that this OW had that I didn't have, all the excuses he gave me for his affair, and the fact that I had to beg him to stay and work on our marriage. He says that he thought that I didn't love him and wouldn't care if he had another woman and wanted to leave me. Then why all the cloak and dagger for five months? Why not just tell me? I have been doing plan A, and about 6 weeks after I found out about the affair he told me that he would agree to no contact. I don't know if this was just because of plan A or because the OW was starting to act like a
B***h. (I think she was under the impression that he would leave me for her when I found out) But now I resent that. So he wants only because she is a B***H? I get so mad when we sit at home and do nothing and I think about all the restaurants that she went to with him...Other than my resentment things are better than they have ever been...but some days I just cry and cry and cry. Sometimes I feel like moving out on my own for a while to get over the majority of my anger...is this a good idea?

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi. I think you posted on my thread a few weeks ago in JFO - I don't know if anything I say now can help you - but I wanted to know that my heart goes out to you - you must have a tremendous commitment to your M to want to try to make it work after all you've been through. <p>Your H is obviously a very unhappy man who desperately needs counselling. When I found out about my H's 2nd EA - mostly conducted through internet and cellphone, although by the time I found out, he was having a regular weekly date with this girl, and in the past two months, grown even closer to her - I also hit the roof. This was the 2nd "attachment" he had formed within 6 months, and I had thought our R was really on the mend from EA1. I started seeing someone for counselling, and after the first week, let him know that he was welcome to come with me if he wanted to - i didn't put any pressure on him at all to come. i continued my own sessions for 5 weeks - i found this very helpful - I desperately needed the support and the space to sort out my own confused thoughts. It helped me to realize that I could not force my H to change, or make him into the kind of H I wanted him to be.<p>But I also came to the conclusion that I didn't have to accept M on any terms other than what I could cope with. After 2 months of indecision and abuse, during which I monitored his e-mail account, saw a lawyer, and gathered whatever evidence I could should I decide I wanted to separate, I reached my limit 2 weeks ago.<p>I told him if he was not prepared to relinquish his private life - his secret Rs - then I wanted a separation. (My thread is on GQII). This was 2 weeks ago, and I believe he has finally waked up to the fact that I am serious. That same day he made a counselling appt for himself, which he goes to tomorrow. I am now in some sort of limbo - feeling angry and resentful, but trying to tell myself to give him time to work through some IC - I have made it clear to him that in order for our M to continue long-term, these R have to cease, that our old M is over, and that I will recommit to a new M only on terms of openess, honesty, and mutual care and respect. I am no longer willing to be his doormat.<p>I DO realize I have a problem with resentment - I have tried to counter my own anger by looking for at least one positive thing I can say to him about himself each day. I know that he feels bad about himself - he has finally admitted that he has a problem. And - ITS HARD. Especially when he says something unkind to me, unthinkingly - I'm hypersensitive to any criticism from him right now. <p>But I have found the SH article on overcoming resentment helpful - I find it interesting that he says you will never trust again, and shouldn't - but he seems to be saying that to restore the R, you need to have NEW good times to replace the bad memories. If you fill your love bank with enough new good memories, the old bad ones eventually fade. This must be very difficult for you right now if your H's behaviour is still subversive. <p>But, as with me, maybe counselling will eventually help him change his behaviour. You just try to be positive about the blessings you have in your life right now - with a 1-yr-old, you will still be feeling exhausted and this may be difficult. <p>I would say, tell yourself 5 things every night before you go to sleep that you can be grateful for - your child's smile - your child's health - perhaps the support of your mother or a special friend - a beautiful sunny day - little things which are actually big things when you stop and think about them. And try to find one good thing about your husband that you can praise him for each day - if he does even one thing that you appreciate, don't punish him by witholding saying so - say so.<p>All these things will go a long way towards helping you feel a little better. When you feel better, you will feel stronger and more capable of dealing with the really hard stuff.<p>I'm glad you are still posting here. I have found it a place where I have been able to express myself when I was really hurting and get positive advice from people when I couldn't (can't) thing straight.<p>I'm sorry for what you are going through. I will send you lots of good thoughts (((((hug))))).<p>Odile

Thanks for the replies..Its nice to know someone is listening to me and my rant! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm seeing a "shrink" for the 1st time on Saturday. I'm excited and nervous, I dont know what to expect. The only reason I'm going is to make me a better person, and hopefully to help me understand when, why and how everything went wrong. Not a tall order or anything!!<p>I'm still feeling riddled with resentment. Its so hard not to, even thought FWH is really trying to make things better. Too bad he is not being effective.<p>Hopefully, me seeking councilling, will prompt him to do the same. But that will only be a side benefit. Like I said. I'm doing this for me.<p>Thanks again for your reponses. Any others??

Any more reponses?? Please??

Well, some Peppery thoughts about resentment. I struggled with resentment for a loooong time. It was a very difficult struggle for me to surrender my resentment. I am the better person for having been able to overcome my resentment.<p>Part of my journey is my spiritual growth. Part of my journey is my personality type.<p>I did not want to shed my cloak of resentment for a looong time. My resentment was like a shield that protected me from being vulnerable to really true intimacy within my marriage. I was "right" and the WH was "wrong" and my resentment justified my emotional distance. The affair offended my sense of justice. That is my pridefullness ... and I have always struggled with that part of my personality. Ask yourself what your resentment is doing for you. You have it for a reason .... what is your reason?<p>I have always struggled with the parable of The Prodigal Son. The younger son disobeyed his father, took his inheritance and wasted it. The older son never disobeyed his father, worked hard for his father, and remained "faithful" to the father. Once the youngest son hit emotional and financial bottom, he returned to his father's home and threw himself at his fathers mercy. His father was overjoyed and threw a feast for the wayward son and showered him with gifts in celebration. The older son was resentful of his father's celebrating the younger brother's return, claiming: "I don't think my younger brother deserves all these gifts and celebrations ... he was disobedient. I was never disobedient, and you never made a party for me!".<p>This parable always made me sympathetic for the OLDER brother! I understand his position and his resentment .... It was unjust for the younger wayward brother to benifit from his disobedience.<p>I have struggled to overcome this attitude.... and become more generous and loving to those who have done wrong ... but then see the error of their ways and repent.<p>What do you think about the Prodigal Son parable?<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

A lot of the resentment I direct towards my FWH, I now realize, is actually disappointment in ME! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm mad a ME for not seeing behind his lies, I'm mad a ME for not being a better W to him, I'm mad at ME for not meeting his needs that I KNEW he had at the time, etc.<p>In my case, I'm just trying hard to let it go. It's one of those typical cases where it's easier said than done. And it's definitely easier to blame my H, and resent him. There is something that makes me feel justified in that.<p>But that gets us nowhere. The past is over and done with. We need to move on while we learn from our mistakes. <p>You have every right to feel resentment. Those are your feelings right now. However, I do hope you are able to pass this hurdle soon so that you can move on to work with your H on your M.<p>Karen<p>[ April 10, 2002: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</p>