Well here i am again, been reading this site for 5 hrs today just can't seem 2 get off my but & do anything but cry, it's got 2 the stage now where I have 2 compose myself b4 i can go down the shop (small country store) with people asking me what r u going to do now the farm is sold,not many people know whats going on with us but will in the next couple of days. my emotions are all over the place & i just feel so alone in all of this even tho my family who are 12,000 mile away in the uk ring me up & try 2 jolly me along. How do you cope when you r living in the same house & your husband is planning a life on his own? He is just so cold towards me & says he can't wait to see the back of me & hopes he never sets eyes on me again. I guess i am harbouring so much agression here & have been trying to be nice to him in the hope that he may change his mind about me but because of circumstances until this property changes hands in july we r stuck here. Last year we started a new company (I didnt know he didn't love me & that the s**t was about to hit the fan or i wouldnt have put so much effoet inro getting it up & running but the fact of the matter is that i have actually been instrumental in helping him put something together which was my dream also & although i will get paid for my half of the assets at the end of the day he has something that he can walk straight into. I just feel like my life has crumbled around my ears after so many years with him & all the pain we have gone thru. He had an affair 11yrs ago & we were starting to get back on track (although i still had a long way 2 go regarding trust) i thought. he started riding with a new friend of ours & they became great friends she rode one of our horses I asked her to back off a bit as i thought i could see the writing on the wall again but she said you may stop us riding together but you will never stop our friendship & how true that was it got 2 the stage that it created a huge wedge between my husband & me & i guess that if your out enjoying yourself & come home 2 a wife who is upset about it that the grass would look greener on the other side of the fence anyway he eventually said that because of my actions that he no longer loved me, this was about 8 months ago & it's just so painful to deal with I cry at the slightest thing & thought that y me being nice 2 him maybe it would change things but I think i can see now that all i am doing is making the transition to a single guy an easier path. what do you think..anyway yesterday I probably mad ethe biggest LB in history, my family all know about this but his family didn't & neither did our eldest son ,my husband had the perfect opportuntiy to tell his father but put it off & now someone else has told him. but he was going 2 wait until 2morrow when our son & his partner were going to be ariving here for 10 days(who i have just heard thru the grapevine were planning on announcing their engagement when they got back on shore)sorry if this sounds all a bit demented but tis the way i feel at the moment. Anyway i said to my husband that i thought that it would b better if he could go up & tell them & give them a few days to mull it over rather than ariving here & being in an uncomfortable situation he proceeded to nut off about someone tellin his father & how I was always saying tings & then backtracking (this was because i was tring to b nice & then changed because i felt like i was making things too easy 4 him) so then i'm afraid i really let rip & told him that the reason he hadn't told those closest to him was because :"YOU HAVEN'T GOT THE BALLS TO!@@#" our youngest son (he's 25)is very hurt by this news as i told him when i was over there 2 weeks ago & his father hasn't even phoned him up to see if he's ok he just seems to have been putting off telling everyone & why when he has known for 2 yrs! I just don't get it, so at 5am this morning he was off in the truck to meet our son 2morrow & tell him. I just sent him a text message to ask if he was OK (my hubby) & the message came back why would you care don't worry about me!! My next question is this woman he was riding with seperated from her husband while i was in the UK her hubby is handling things well & told my hubby that the writing has been on the wall for yrs 7 they r now trying to move on (they r also living in the same situation as us) I said 2 my hubby that you say u were just friends but friends dont carry on like that especially when they know that one of thems marriage is in difficulty (well she obviously knew hers was but didn't let on as she said to me when i told her my huby didnt love me that we just had to keep trying! I really want to go & have a talk with her & tell her does she realise what she has done here i have lost my husband, a beautiful farm 2 other businesses & my self respect I am just so distraught,it seems like my hubby has put up a wall to block me out & he keeps saying you r never going 2 hurt me again..after i had told him he didnt have the balls to tell people i left him 2 stew 4 a while as he was ranting & raving he later came into the office & said this is one thing that i dindt want our kids 2 c us fighting & then he just said you told me i have no balls & walked out the door! I went to the pub & drowned my sorrows thsi is all such a bloody mess. Was he having an emotional affair with this woman he did tell me that they had a talk about 6 months ago & admited they were spending too much time 2gether & around that time was when this wall seemed to go up. is he having a mid life crisis do i just walk away I know he hates me I cant see an end in site he has made so many big hasty decisions it's just not like him. PLease can anyone offer me any advice to help me find a way out of this long dark tunnel.....I have posted here a few times b4 & not had many replies I dont offer advise as i dont feel at the moment that i can help myself let alone anyone else......

Wrungout.<p>Im sorry no one has replied to you. I am really terrible at advise, and hardly give it. I feel the same as you, since my life is a mess, Im in no position to offer advise.<p>I must say I found your post very difficult to read. I suggest splitting you post into paragraphs as on a computer monitor, its easy to lose track of the flow.<p>Again I'm sorry you havent got any replies. I am sure someone with some sage advise will come along shortly.<p>Good Luck to you.

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi, <p>Wow, what a long writeup. Here's starters. REad the book Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. <p>Your H is being mean to you and he is definitely have an ea and maybe even a PA. Now you need to pull back, refocus and then decide what is best to do for you and your family. You may have to let your H go and fall down on his own. <p>The OW doesn't care what happens so don't communicate with her. STrengthen your personal support group, include your children. Get counseling and work on making yourself stronger. It will be a rough ride and you will need every ounce of strength you can must. Your H will learn his lesson but not any time soon. The OW is looking pretty good right now and he will continue to say more hurtful things. Know this and get prepared. <p>This is just for starters. Also, read the basic concepts above and let us know what you think. Seeing your GYN or personal physician for meds maybe helpful also. There have been several here who have been in business with their mate as well. <p>Visit your solicator to see what your financial and legal options may be, just to be prepared. But don't share all with your H. You need to be careful and cautious right now. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart. <p>L.

Hey thanks so much for replying will try & get the book mentioned can you tell me if any of the harleys books are available thru amazon?? I have tried ordering them through this site but nothing ever happened it was about 6 months ago. Regarding seeing physion well it's a little tricky this OW is our district nurse & handles all queries appointments etc the doc is only here one day a week & she works along side him!! all the time.<p>Anyway sorry my letter was so long I was fed up that i just sat there & typed & forgot about sentnces it all just fell out!! OK CYA
& Thanx again & as i said in my other post sorry i dont offer anyone any advise but i just dont have anything to offer at the moment! <p>Our accountant is coming to see us at home on Wed & then i shall get an appointment with a lawyer i have been reccomended by our business lawyer as he doesnt want 2 work on either of our behalfs as he knows us so well. By the way on a positive noet i actually now have a house to rent in June so thats a load off my mind as they are a scarce as hens teeth around here....

Hi, <p>Ok you sound better. You can try amazon or barnes and noble's website. If you can't order them here, call the Harley's on MOnday and let them know. <p>Can you go to another town for an appointment? Boy that OW sure set herself up in a good spot. Arrgh. Maybe you ought to let her employer know that she is promoting dirty deeds. It may not be healthy for her to see his patients, especially if his patients have to take their business elsewhere. Hm.........<p>L.

Orchis thankx for your reply I understand what you mean about pulling back & that is exactly what i amgoing to try & do. When i came back from the uk I was sleeping upstairs & him downstairs & as i smoke (& he had stopped) i was going onto the veranda to smoke, he started coming out & talking to me about sorting things out & didn't want to get a lawyer involved (well I was going to wether he did or not) anyway it really hurt me that he could just sit there & talk about dividing our stuff (of which there is loads) with no emotion at all & because i didn't want this to be happening I got very emotional & couldn't cope with it all. <p>Then he started smoking again so was out there all the time, I felt i needed to get some distance from this situation so i moved out into our motel unit where i still am & only come into the house to pack stuff when he is out on the farm.<p>When i first got home from the uk he came home from the pub (you may remember reading this) & came up into my room & said what r u doing in my room, I said you sleep downstairs I am sorry if i have your room I didnt know, he then said well i washed the sheets downstairs & havent put them back on (he hadnt slept in the upstairs room at all that room had not been touched since i had left) he then hopped into bed with me & before i knew it was kissing me passionatly & of course because i didnt want it to b over I thought that maybe he was having second thoughts but afterwards he was still talking of it being over!@@ He had asked me if i had sex with anyone while overseas & i said no way he said he hadnt either!<p>This had happened b4 i went to the uk also he came into my room (hadn't been drinking) & did the same thing I was stupidly thinking that he was changing his mind again so went along with it.. I asked him why he had done that & he said that he thought we needed to talk & as he hadn't had sex in a while he thought he would. Well i went nuts i can tell you.<p>Anyway I went to him again a bout a week ago to "talk" & the same thing happened again although this time he said i dont want you but my ***** does & it happened again... Why am i letting this happen?? well i can answer that one myself because i dont want to let go RIGHT!!!!
But I know i have to but i am not sure how 2 react now when he comes home as we had the blazing row when he left, I sent him a text asking if he was ok his reply was yes i am & as if you would care (i guess that was because i told him he had no balls) We seem to be just going round in circles, he will b bakc 2day & so will our son & his partner & i am not sure how i will cope with all this what will i say what will i do they will all b in the house & i will b outside. I feel that i should be inside cooking for my son & his partner would that b the right thing to do.<p>You are right there seems to be so much to deal with here & I dont think i can deal with this properly until i am in my rented house on my own with absoloutley no contact with him as he said he cant wait 4 me to be gone & hopes he never sees me again which will b kind of difficlut around here.

Scared to be single & Hanora!<p>Thankyou for your replies it helps a lot to know that so many people care when you feel you are in a hopeless situation. Hopefully as time goes by i shall have more positive things to talk about & maybe be able to offer some help myself in the future. Best of luck to you all in you own daily dilema's!

HI again one thing that has confused me & probably added to my problems lately is my H delay in telling people & I guess that I thought that because he wasn't telling people that maybe he was having second thoughts & thats why i have reacted with things the way i have like having sex with him & when I now finally realise that isn't gonna happen is why i hit rock bottom & now have 2 clamber my way back up. <p>I have read the basic concepts but am still not sure where to begin??????

How should i act towards him when he returns today I wont be able to keep out of his way with our son home i just don't want to be seen to b doing the wrong thing AGAIN!!

Be safe and stay away from the A/ow topic. You have guests in your home today, put on your best behavior. If you can't handle it and begin to cry, excuse yourself. It is ok if some see some tears. They will wonder and someone will have to explain. <p>don't beat yourself up over this. It is all part of life right now. <p>What part of the basic concepts do you need clarification on?<p>L.

Well Orchid i read thru the basic concepts & I guess i keep looking over & over them & thinking i don't know where to start<p>His most basic emotional need that i can see at the moment is to get as far away from me as he can & be done with this marriage (he has never told me any others so i guess i am guessing but that looks like the obvous one to me) is this the best way to start with his emotional needs is it my taker taking over here that i cannot let go. Where would you start?? I know this is a big question to ask of you but i understand all the concepts but just dont know where i should start or more importantly if there is anywhere to start.

Wrungout<p> I am so sorry you are going through this but you are getting good advice. Especially from Orchid.<p> It sounds like you are doing better, that's good. Try to read up on Plan A/planB . This is a plan not to win your H back but to work on you. By living for yourself and recognizing flaws and changing things about yourself you feel GREAT. Believe me I doing it now. By living for yourself you become empowered. You become strong and independent. You let your H go and realize you are fine without him. This is very scary.<p> But by doing all this you change into a better person- even though you are wonderful now. You feel good about yourself and it makes it easier to deal with / ignore your nincomepoop H. Sorry. Your H will see these changes and it may spark his interest or it may not. But by the time you get rolling you may not care!<p> I've been plan Aing from a distance, more like modified plan B for 3 months now. I am happier about myself now than I was before I found out about the A. So in a way I am glad this happened because I have become a much stronger outgoing person. <p> I was clingy in the begining and would do anything to keep my H. But that is being a doormat. My H always had one he** of a wife. Ask anyone who knows us. But now? Watch out! I hope he chooses to come home and work it out. He has a plane ticket to come back for April 22. We'll see. But the longer I wait the higher my engine is reving. I am a very patient person so my emergency break is on for now while my Love bank still has gas. Once I'm on fumes I flooring it!! LOL!
Hang in there!
Forgiver

Re: emotional needs. You mentioned that your H got to know the OW riding horses. That seems like she met a recreational need of his? Do you ride? Do you and your H ever ride together? Do you share fun activities, hobbies etc.?

I have decided that as from 2day I am working on me.yeeha! I have been on amazon & ordered 3 of Dr Harleys books his needs her needs, surving an affair & another one 4 good measure, I nearly didnt order them as hubby did a flip about credit card limit the other day (i was using it overseas with my mum who is ill) but then i thought NO!! this is about me i will damn well order them if thats what i want & if itswhat i need to b able 2 work on myself!<p>Anyway regarding the emotional needs of my husband & that this ow was meeting one of them by them going out riding 2gether, well ya see this is what caused our problem in the first place I used to ride daily but had a bad accident on my horse about 12 yrs ago, so apart from losing my nerve & us then going overseas for a yr my hubby also got out of riding & then when he got back into it i was busy running our B&B & when i realised that it seemed he was spending more time with her & none recreationally with me (can't spell) I said i would like to go riding again as well, trouble is by this time i had already put my foot in it & said they were spending way too much time in each others company etc etc.<p> They said that it was their recreation time away from their partners & no way did they want them going with them (this ow husband also wanted to ride & she told him now way!) anyway i persisted & my hubby said you only want to come to keep an eye on us & anyway we all ride differently to you , you wouldn't enjoy it so i stayed at home ran the B&B & then he became busy with the horses running it as a buisness so i babysat our trekking guides 3yr old so that we could get the business up & running (stupid eh)& this ow was not able to ride as often & it also became work & not so recreational this is when he started to go dog on me said i didn't trust him da da da da, thats why i say i don't know what his emotional needs are.<p>Reading between the lines he keeps saying you will never hurt me again, he says this often, i think he means that i hurt him by not trusting him & by trying 2 stop his enjoyment with this OP. he tells people we are seperating because he wants to b happy he doesnt want 2b miserable 4 the rest of his life, I know he feels hurt & I have said some bad things but thats because i was feeling bad why did he spend all his spare time with other people? is it that i have spent all these years raising the kids & I have suddenly not got a life of my own & he thinks i want to muscle in on his???

Well hubby has not returned home 2nite yet & haven't heard from our son either so i am now sitting here wondering if he will have told him that we r seperating yet. will let ya's know what happens

Hi again, well husband & son did return that night & everyone seemed happy when they got back although i felt very uncomfortable. Anyway I excused myself & went to bed, when there came a tap on my door, it was our son who wanted to know if i was ok but (bless him) also wanted my side of the story. Turned out his father had given his version but a very glossed over one so as to not look so bad but he laso left out some major details. Our son was unhappy about this & i told him that I didn't want him & his father arguing over this but i dont see why everyone should think that i am happy about this situation when clearly I am not I didnt put his father down just told him the facts.<p>We also had the accountant today to talk about splitting everything up i am afraid that i lasted all of 10mins b4 i started crying & had to excuse myself... I have spent the last 2 days crying my eyes out it's just so hurtful listening to H ho humming around the place as tho he hasnt a care in the world.<p> I really feel like going up to this "friends" house & just showing her what she has done to this marriage, how come i have forgiven H all thru our marrage & allowed him back in & when the pressure gets put on him about having a femail friend thats it no thankyou mam I'm outa here if you cant trust me,why doesnt he understand that we should b the most important people in this marriage & that there was never any room for a third person!!
WHY WAS THIS FRIENDSHIP (IF IT WAS ONLY A FRIENDSHIP) SO IMPORTANT THAT HE COULD GIVE UP ALL HE HAD IN HIS LIFE WHY WHY WHY IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!! I really feel that I need to write to this woman & just explain 2 her that she has ruined things for us when i specifically asked he to back off from the situation. What do you think??? If i do i will write it up on here first so as not to have anything that is wrong in there.