I found out about A on 3/23/02. Ws has been treating me like crap for about two Months. I have been doing the plan A thing for a short time. I enjoy doing nice things for her but I get nothing in return. When I first found out about A I told her to leave the house for one week so we could straiten our heads out. WS came home one day early and said she wanted to work her BUTT of to make this M work. Ws introduced me to the MB site and said she learned allot about what is going on with her on this site. We have since read “Surviving an Affair” and “After the Affair”.
Now the only ground rules I have asked for is. Stay out of the bars, We stay home to work on us and we go see a counselor. Ws agreed to all of those terms. Now Ws says she can’t spend that much time with me and it driving her away. Ws has read all the same books I have. Ws knows what needs to be done to work on M. Ws is not willing to follow the book to a T. Ws says it’s to extreme in some parts. Ws said she wants to talk to a counselor first.
We went to see a counselor on Friday but not much was resolved. The counselor said it would take more than 8 sessions to reap any benefits. Our insurance will only cover the first 8 sessions. This counselor is not a doctor but a clinical social worker. Should we try to see someone else? I am tiring fast. I am tired of being the only one who seems to want to make the sacrifices to make this M work. Ws says she has not and will not talk to OM. WS is not able to show me much Affection. To me all signs point to her still talking to OM. Am I crazy?????????

See if you can phone in a session with Steve H or Jennifer C. Or get with your local Marriage counselor. <p>Your W is acting like most WS in withdrawal. Expect more backlash. Words mean little right now. WS may even babble a bit. Watch the actions and you do the same. <p>Do you have someone you can talk with? Your W needs to do the same but not talk with the OM or OM's friends. <p>Take Care,
L.

Mr. Funk - ditto Orchid.<p>You are not crazy, but this is Crazy Time.<p>Many of us here understand your frustration, and many others of us would kill to be in your shoes. Sorry to have to say that, but it's so.<p>Yes, you feel like the only one giving and yes, "why can't she just get this outta her head?" Yes, it's not fair, you've been raped, you've been slammed, but you've also been given an opportunity to realize a better marriage than you ever thought possible. <p>Counselors are not doctors, and doctors are not counselors. As with every other profession, somewhere out there is the worst one. If yours is good, he/she isn't just telling you what you want to hear. Please ask your C if he/she is familiar with MB methods, or if not, what reference are they using?<p>I think the best advice I can offer is to be patient. You've only been at this since 3/23.
It's possible she's still talking to OM. Because of the things she's done already, I give her the benefit of the doubt. Have you discussed a "no contact" letter? Please do if you haven't.<p>I sense you're not sure if you want to save your M. If you're not sure, you have a bigger challenge. Search your soul and accept, if you can't believe, that it can be a lot better with patience and consistency.<p>WAT

funkedup,<p> Your WS says MB is to extreme in some places. And your counselor says it will take at least 8 sessions to reap benefits. I agree with Orchid about calling into Steve or Jennifer, or locate a counselor in your area that works with the MB principals.<p>See if you and your WS can work through the area's that she sees as extreme in MB and work out a way to work around them right now, so that you both are working towards the same goal and know the plan that will get you there. Just my 2 cents.<p>Go back and read the basic concepts and strengthen yourself.<p>God' speed in your recovery.<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Try to keep working on yourself at this time, and don't pay too much attention to the words she says. Her emotions are pulling her in so many different directions right now that she doesn't honestly know which end is up.<p> Be there for her and try not to take what she says too personally. Hard to do I know. Just keep the anger under control and try to put youself in her shoes(something I am only now being able to do myself). <p> This whole thing sucks Mr. Funk. I am sorry you must deal with this. But in the end you may find a much happier marriage than you could have imagined. I pray it will be so for you.<p> jd

Ws left today to go be with her friend at a bookstore. I was very upset with her and used allot of LBs. I was upset for 2 reasons. 1- this friend she went to meet also helped her hide the affair from me.2- Ws knew I would be upset and didn’t bother to ask me if it was OK to go. I feel it’s only respectful to ask your spouse what he/she thinks. WS says I am nice and then I ruin it by acting the way I did today. This plan A is extremely hard when ws is so disrespectful..

I think you are quite justified in being angry with your spouse. Ask her how she would feel if the roles had been reversed and you decided to go out to lunch with a male friend who helped hide the affair from her and you did not tell her that you were going out with him? I think your wife is being very disrespectful to you. She was the one who lied, had sex with another man and put your health at risk and now she rubs your face in it again by doing this. It sounds to be that she has been rewarded for having the affair by your behavior and she responds by doing this and treating you like crap. She should be the one trying to regain your trust and respect. It sounds like she is perceiving you as some sort of doormat and seems oblivious to your feelings. Maybe you should start to think what it is that you really want. I wish you luck.

What they should do, what we would like them to do, and what they are willing to do never matches up..especially early in recovery.<p>Plan A doesn't feel very fair. Non LB'ing behavior is really hard when they don't participate in kind. POJA seems like a joke when they are just going to do what they want anyway.<p>So what do you do? Take some deep breaths, a long walk..and start all over again.<p>As unfair as it is, the WS doesn't really trust YOU to keep up with the changes you've made..this is where consistancy is paramount.<p>When they won't POJA..you still have to be respectful, explain why you would like to, and calmly, express your disappointment in a non blaming way ("this is harder than I expected..I hope we get better at it").<p>The biggest reason people advise you to take really good care of yourself in Plan A is because it is so very hard especially when you don't get feedback..or the type of feedback you'd like. Expecting Plan A to change your partner is like driving down the wrong street. You'll get somewhere but not the right place.<p>Plan A is for you..be the best YOU can be regardless of their actions and reactions. You can express sadness, anger, disappointment..but not in an LB'ing way.<p>Hang in there,
T

You've gotten great advice - nothing to add here... keep us posted, k? We're rootin for ya! Both of ya!

MR. F,
We used a christian counsler and I belive that we were getting somewhere after the 2nd session. We found him in the phone book under christian counsler. <p>I am the WS and my EX-best friend knew of my A's and had helped convince me that I did nothing wrong. After D-day H asked me if I would dicontinue all contact with her for awhile to stregthen our M. Since then I have noticed a big difference in our M. I do miss my friend considerably bad, but my M is far more important to me.
As for going out. I only go out with my H and friends are welcome to come! We started out by going hiking to talk and get it all out and no one around to bother us. Then we did the dating scene by going to the movies, dinners, the park, and just hanging out.<p>Just wanted to give you some idea's that worked for us. Good luck. Sherry