As my sig. says, I'm both a former BS and former WS. I had an affair about the time of my H's 2nd A. We were both screwed up at that time...I went haywire after his 1st A...I lost 40 lbs. (to 115 lbs.; I'm 5'-9"), started wearing short tight skirts and spiked heals...the whole 9 yards. I set myself up for an affair, and jumped in with both feet. It lasted for 8-9 months, and was SO confusing and painful. My H is a cop and found out quickly I was having a relationship with this guy, and it ended pretty soon after (my good judgement FINALLY kicked in). Haven't seen him since then, and have NO feelings for him at all. <p>My H has never asked questions about my affair, other than one or two right after he found out. And I wasn't truthful when I answered him then. I don't know who I was thru that time, but I sure wasn't myself! <p>My 1st question is this: Is it normal for a BS to not ask any questions? To not want to know any details at all? (I've asked MANY questions about his A's).<p>My 2nd question is: Should I bring it up in any way to "clear the air"? I've carried guilt about not telling him the truth (even tho I'm sure he knew it was more than EA anyway). I've dealt with forgiving myself for having the affair, but I wonder if I owe him the truth. Should I even go there, or should I just leave it alone since H never brings it up? <p>We're in very good recovery right now and I hate to open old wounds.....I'd really appreciate any advice on this. Thanks<p>at peace

at peace,
I know what you mean. My H has asked so few questions about my EA, I feel like I'm hiding something...but I don't think I am. He knows that I fell in love with the OM; he knows that I have tried to stop being in touch with the OM...but he doesn't really know when I quit seeing the om or why, etc. He just trusts that eventully I would do the right thing and put this man behind. It amazes me that my H doesn't question me about any details. <p>I think it might be a male thing. Early on, my H told me that he's not interested in getting obsessed about the OM. He doesn't want to spend his time and energy worrying about me and what I'm doing in relation to the OM. He just wanted me to get my act together....the sooner the better. <p>I have decided that he will ask me questions if he wants to know, and if and when he does, I will be as honest as I can be. But I think he knows what he thinks he needs to know, and who am I to say that he needs to know every little thing...<p>I know one thing, that if the roles were reversed I would have ruined the possiblity of reconciliation because I would have pushed so hard and wanted to know to much...it would have made me crazy.
Sorry for the rambling...but I too have wondered why he seems to want to know so little.

ashirley:<p>Thanks for the reply! I was beginning to wonder if I have internet b.o. <sniff sniff>. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] Haven't gotten too many replies to my posts before. <p>Sorry you have to be here, but doesn't this board help in a lot of ways? Input on questions like these is really helpful to me.

As I said, I'm a FBS (unfortunately more than once), and I almost drove myself and my H crazy with wondering and asking questions, etc., etc. I've had to just decide (almost on a daily basis) that the minute details don't really matter now. He chose me -- dropped all 3 bimbos like a hot potato immediately! He's changed, I've changed... we're no longer those people anyway.<p>I still can't imagine them not asking questions, tho. I forgot to mention that my A happened 7-8 years ago, so maybe it would be silly to bring it up first. <p>It's a day by day walk (sometimes minute by minute), but aren't we doing great?! <p>at peace

^little bump<p>How would ya'll handle this? <p>Bring it up to clear the air, or just let sleeping dogs lay?<p>THANKS for your input!<p>lori

I'm a BS and I don't ask too many questions. I'd like to, and my husband has agreed to answer my questions, but cautions me to be sure I really want to know before I ask. I don't ask because I don't want to start a huge conflict and that's probably what would happen -- I'd get angry, my husband would get angry, etc., etc. For us this is not the road to travel. My husband has a love addiction, he's had multiple affairs, he says he wants to stop doing this, he says he will leave me before he cheats on me again. Really, this is all I need to know.<p>However, if he came to me and wanted to reveal things to me, I would let him and be relieved that some of my questions would be answered. But that is me -- I don't know your husband, you'll have to judge for yourself how receptive he would be.

I suspect that at least in part, asking or not asking many questions has to do with the way the A was uncovered and handled.
My suspicion is that when the WS admits to it or confesses, and takes appropriate action to end it, etc. the BS probably has less of a reason to ask a lot of questions.
If, on the other hand, it takes all kinds of maneuvers for the WS to admit it, or if the A is discovered and the WS denies it, does not show remorse, etc. the BS is probably more likely to ask many more questions; more out of distruct than anything else.
I'll tell you, I'm in the second category and the distrust plays tricks on you, drives you nuts, and you ALWAYS imagine things that are FAR worse than the truth...but distrust does that, I'm afraid.
This is, of course, jusy my opinion...perhaps others might chime in with theirs?

Well, here's my 2 cents....<p>1. Is it normal for a BS to not ask any questions? To not want to know any details at all?
I had millions of questions. I didn't ASK a million questions, but H didn't MIND me asking. I asked a few - he answered them. After I got a few answers, to be honest with you, I didn't really care to know anything else [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] . I also hated to sound nagging - and I'm really the type to try to let the details go and try to look at the big picture. <p>2. Should I bring it up in any way to "clear the air"?
My first instinct is YES. Honesty and openness goes both ways. If you share, you'll demonstrating to him the way YOU would like to be treated - about his A's, and about future stuff. Read up on Honesty and Openness and POJA on the MB web-site (concepts or Q&A's). There's also Honesty Questionnaires available on the MB web-site, that you and your H could sit down and complete together. I wouldn't just blurt it all out. Ask him if he would like to hear it - that you would feel better knowing that HE knows everything about you, etc. If he would rather not know, it's probably better to express yourself in a journal, here, or with a counselor.<p>I still have to live with tons of unanswered questions - you may have to live with the flip-side - tons of answers to un-asked questions. Everything in the marriage should be done with JOINT agreement. If he doesn't want to know, it probably shouldn't be shared.<p>hope that helps a lil bit [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 17, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>