Also posted on Recovery...<p>My FWH had yesterday off. I talked to him on the phone around 10:30 a.m. and again around 2:20 p.m. Between that time he took our 4 year old to day care and went to a store that is going to be opening soon and put in an application. When I talked to him around 2:20 he wanted me to pick up our 4 year old when I got done with work. I explained why I couldn't and he agreed to pick her up. <p>When I got home, he was in bed napping. I was not real happy about this -- the least he can do is be up when I get home! So I jumped on the computer for a bit and then went in to wake him up. On my way into the bedroom, I got a whiff of a perfumey scent -- and so my suspicious nature awakes with a roar. The scent could have been anything, but I was now looking for something else. When I go in the room, he is fast asleep, under the covers (with the bird) with all his clothes on (including pens in his shirt pocket). He is on my side of the bed, but is not using a pillow (his is where it belongs, mine is on his side of the bed). So I wake him up. I'm upset about him being asleep when I get home, and also in suspicious mode and so ask him a couple of questions (like why are you in bed with all your clothes on?). He starts to get agitated. Apparently I was looking at him with "squinty eyes". Finally he asks me what is wrong with me. Normally, I would continue on my course of veiled probes and not admit I'm upset because I came home and he is sleeping (I also feel that if I did that, he would be livid). But instead I tell him why I'm upset -- but I don't tell him anything about being suspicious about his activities that afternoon, since I'm pretty sure that's all in my head. He blows up at me. He tells me he was taking a nap and he's not going to bow down to me and do everything I say and if he wants to take a nap, he's going to take a nap and he doesn't care if I like it or not. He also then starts going on about how he hasn't done anything wrong and how dare I come in and start accusing him of doing something bad? Now I'm really, really upset. Why am I doing this? He betrayed me and lied to me over and over and I bend over backward to be more in tune with his feelings and what he wants. When I finally express to him how I feel about one of his actions -- he blows up at me. It was horrible -- including personal insults. So then I did accuse him of seeing the other woman that afternoon. He just got even more angry. Finally, he'd apparantly had enough of his anger and said that we should just put the episode behind us. We could brood about it and ruin our evening or we could leave the bedroom and start dinner together. Well, since he was so busy yelling at me, I couldn't really express how I was feeling at this point -- he kept interupting me. I wasn't ready to leave it behind me. But at this point the bird (which my husband had left lose in the living room with two or our kids -- I also don't know why he did that, he knows it bites) started biting the 4 year old pretty bad and she started screaming. So we had to go out and take care of that. After, my husband asked me if I wanted to go outside with him while he started the grill (this is something I don't particularly care to do, but I have started keeping company with him like this because it is one of his needs). I told him no, I didn't want to and so wasn't going to. I spent the rest of the evening in the bedroom (I did come out and eat dinner, didn't say a word to him). When he finally came in to bed, we screamed and yelled at each other some more, but finally things toned down and we talked. I don't think the issue was ever resolved -- he is upset with me for giving him the third degree when I got home when he was only taking a nap because he didn't feel well (which didn't come out until during the first screaming match -- if he had told me that when I had said I was upset that I got home and he was sleeping, I would have dropped it). I was mildly upset with him for being asleep when I got home from work and then majorly upset when he started yelling at me. Neither one of us will admit they are wrong (I don't feel that I *am* wrong and I'm sure he feels the same) and neither one of us will apologize.<p>This morning, his alarm went off late and so he was rushed. Normally, if he gets up before me, he brings me coffee and says good morning to wake me up. He didn't do this. I didn't say a word to him when I got up -- I just got in the shower. He did speak to me, before I got in the shower, he said he had to brush his teeth. And I also think he said "see you after work" when he left (I was in the shower). I didn't say a single word to him.<p>I know we are both wrong and I'm willing to meet him halfway. But I feel like he won't budge. I feel like I have to make all the concessions. I have to apologize for my "bad" behavior (I never once personally attacked him like he did me -- he said to me "I don't know if reading all those books has made you stupid or what, I only know that what *I* have been doing hasn't affected my intellegence" -- what kind of comment is that?) and then things will be "okay" again. But they won't be "okay", I'll still be upset because I didn't do anything wrong. But it seems no matter what I say, he won't even acknowledge that he understands how I feel! I'm not even asking for him to totally cave and admit I'm right and he's wrong -- I just want him to admit I have a right and justification to feel the way I do. I'm seriously questioning why I am bothering with this. I feel like the work we've done over the past month is wiped away and everything is back the way it was. Nothing is ever going to change because, in the end, he won't change. <p>Sorry for the length. I'm having a hard time with this. This huge fight over something so trivial and I'm not sure where to go from here. I need to do something different with my anger, but I don't know what. I don't feel I can just "let it go" because I think I have cause to be upset. I've tried talking to him and it doesn't really help -- only makes me angrier -- I don't even want to talk to him anymore. I just want to ignore him (old pattern). I feel like this is festering already and I want to excise it! But how do I do that?

First, it stinks about your H's affairs. Sorry to hear you have to deal with that.<p>But second, I don't get why you are so upset about the nap. Is it because he wasn't watching the kids? That is a legit reason. However, it seems you just wanted him to be up to greet you. That seems extreme. You should have just gone to tell him you wee home and asked if he was doing OK. I think the perfume smell got your brain out of wack and you were looking for a fight. I've done that myself many times, but it is a waste of energy and an LB that will prevent your situation from improving.<p>My rule no. 1 of trying to do Plan A is "you got to try to be cool".<p>Good luck.

Thanks, Conan. I was upset because I *did* expect him to be up. I don't think I'm being too unreasonable there (he probably got home from picking up our daughter around 3:30 and I got home at 6:00). One of my husband's expectations of me is to "greet" him when he returns home. On his late days, I try to stay up until he gets home, even though a lot of times I'm dog tired. Although, you are absolutely right, I should have approached it differently. So you would agree with my H -- I started it? It's so good to get opinions from others who aren't involved. So maybe I do owe him an apology?

Dedex1 two questions. Why is it important for him to be awake to greet you when you return home? Why did the perfume trigger suspicions?<p>I'm wondering if you believe he had the OW in your home or if you think he was with her.

I just think it's a little rude that he's home all day and chooses to take a nap when he knows I am coming home -- like he is avoiding me. Add to that that he had all his clothes on, it makes it seem like he jumped into bed quickly to get away from me or something. Primarily it upsets me because I perceive that it would be unacceptable to him if I was napping when he got home (he claims otherwise). It also upset me because it is a sympton of a bigger problem -- I often feel like he doesn't ever think about how his behavior or actions will affect me and how I will feel, he just does what he pleases and expects me to just accept it. Am I wrong? Do other people decide to jump into bed and take a nap when they know their spouse will be home soon? Of course, he did later claim to not be feeling well and that's why he was napping -- but why didn't he say that straight out. I first asked him "What are you doing" and he said "Playing with the bird". If he wasn't feeling well wouldn't he has said so at that point? <p>As far as the perfumey smell -- I wouldn't put anything past my husband. I know she's been to our house previously. In fact, he cleaned the house prior to her visit and then told me he had done so as my birthday present. It really, really bothers me that he brought her to our house at all. I am suspicious of everything -- he's a really good liar and a really good manipulator and I don't trust him. I know he was alone at the house for at least an hour and that is really all I need to be suspicious at this point. I never would have voiced those suspicions, though, but he started screaming and yelling that he hadn't done anything wrong. In my experience with him, if he's acting defensive and guilty it's because he does have something to hide and is trying to get me off the track by lashing out at me. Of course, this may also be his normal reaction to being somewhat backed into a corner -- we don't fight to much because I am a conflict avoider, so maybe it just seems to me every time he gets defensive he's guilty because it doesn't happen all that often and in the past, he's had plenty to be guilty about. I admit that all I had yesterday were suspicions, but I was looking for evidence.<p>My one great fear in all of this is that he is using me. That he is not sincere in his expressed desire to give our marriage a chance and that he has some other motivation for returning home. I enabled him for many years, but I'm finished with that. I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who cannot be faithful to me, but since he is my husband and I do still have deep feelings for him and I feel that we have never addressed the underlying rot in our marriage, I am giving him another chance. But if he's playing games with me, I'd rather know sooner than later so I can get on with my life. Perhaps not the healthiest way to be, but he has hurt me so much over the years that I've become almost used to the pain and don't really like the person I've become. I feel like I'm moving in the right direction and I'm leaving that person behind, but I don't want her sneaking up on me. So I have to be hyper-viligent. Am I making any sense?

Yes, Dedex1, I totally understand where you are. After years of living with these guys treating us like crap, at this point everything they do is suspect. It's very hard to get past all those old feelings...... The way we interact with our H has become a "dance." And we know every step!!<p>I think your reaction to the nap may have been a little 'overkill,' but was understandable. Your H seems to be still in the same mode of reaction as he's always been--throwing insults, blame, anything to get the focus off what he's done to make you feel like this. If H really is trying to work on your M and his past behavior (I see in your signature that he's in C--that's a good step!) maybe the thing to do is find a time when he's willing to talk to you and very CALMLY lay out for him how you feel.....about how hard it is to rebuild trust after such MAJOR trust-shattering behavior. (I thought my H had been creepy, but having OW IN YOUR HOUSE?) [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If H's trying at all, I think it's a good sign that your M could be repaired. It's something only you can decide. I know about wondering if it's all just a big waste of time! I get to feeling really good about my H & M, then H does some major LB like he did last night. He says he's 'ending' R w/OW at work. Told her yesterday that he was thinking about quitting his job. H told me OW said did he think he could be happy living in my back pocket, being under my control like that? He said he told her she had a point. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Why in the world would he tell her that? H already says she's not taking him seriously about wanting to end R. Well, of course not. She thinks it's all MY idea and he's just going along with it! I told him he needed to say something about ending R being HIS idea--that she needed to know that it was what HE wanted, not just what I wanted. He said to say that it would have to BE his idea. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I thought it WAS his idea! It's sure what it sounded like to me when he told me he didn't want her, he wanted me.......I tried not to react badly when he said that, cause I want him to tell me what they say to each other and if I go off about it I know he'll just stop sharing those conversations. But I was very disappointed. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I wonder now if my Plan A-ing is going to rebuild this M or if I'm really just on a 'wild-goose-chase!' [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Good luck dedex1! I have a feeling this is a really long road we've decided to travel! <p>amazingrace

It seems to me that you're posting to get opinions on who was wrong? Hey, both of you were wrong...but what difference does that make? Sounds like there are still a lot of pride and control issues between the two of you. If you really want things to work you BOTH have to let those go. Why didn't you tell him you smelled perfume and were probably triggered? It's a legitimate reason for coming on a bit strong when you questioned him...it's a consequence of his actions. If he really wasn't feeling well then that needed to be said too. You guys are still playing to win...and when you do that you both will lose.