I really really need to try & get my H to sit down & talk today.<p>Some may think this is a big mistake but I really need some answers before I can move any further in my own mind (I feel stuck) Our marriage has finished because of a friendship my H has with another woman. I have spent all this time trying to beleive thats what it is but now realise that it has to be much much more than that only he will never admit it.<p>If you were going to do this what questions would be safe to ask (I guess they will all be LB) But I really fel i need to do this, it's the only way I got thru to him in his last affair & it's the only way i found out that he no longer loved me by asking questions so i guess maybe thats the only way i can see it.

my question was meant to be how can i ask him without being accusing at the same time, I really don't think that his first affair 11yrs ago was dealt with properly at the time because all contact was cut off immediately, the weird thing was that this "new friend" said because i wasn't happy with her & H riding together that I hadn't learnt to forgive him so i had a talk with him & all was forgiven & what does he do the very next nite, he's at the pub & the W he had affair with 11yrs ago is there he leave sthe pub she hops in his car & he gives her a lift to & from a party! <p>she tells him she still loves him he says hes not interested (this is after no contact for about 8yrs) I told him he had to make a choice (this is after he lied to me for about 30mins about where he had been that nite, the called me over to the shed & confessed was very upset said he had just got me back & now he had lost me again!!) This all happened about 2 or 3yrs ago, he went round & saw the OW & told her to keep away from us that he wasn't interested, a few months ago I find out that he's been sitting in the pub laughing & talking to her along with another friend of ours just the 3 of them in the pub at 3am talked for 3 hours!! Do you think that we are stuck because of issues that were not dealt with the first time round. I think i pick up a lot from these boards it helps me a great deal

wrungout,<p>I am definitely very new to this, but here's my two cents: <p>I would ask what it was he felt was missing in your relationship that he had to get his needs met by OW? Tricky here, he may not really know. My H thinks it was just SF, I'm not entirely convinced that was all he was after. We're working on that one.... <p>
In general, I think asking questions is very necessary to the process, but only become LB's if your reactions to his answers are emotional, angry, etc. I think YOU have to be ready to ask the questions, but also to HEAR the answers....
Hope this helps....Posting on this site has been my lifesaver....

Well i did it, I went outside where my H was standing having a smoke & said would you mind sitting down i would like to talk to you..<p>He looked at me & said with a sort of shocked look on his face (cause he didn't know what i was going to say)why? do you want me to sit down in case i fall down, he said i don't want to sit down I said well would you please sit down I need to talk.<p>So H sat down (after he had moved his chair a couple of inches away from my direction) i took hold of his hand & he tried to pull away but I just held on so he let me. Then I said to him do u you think all our problems have been because the affair (11yrs ago) was ended suddenly when i found out? and we didnt deal properly with things at the time (i was just so pleased to have him back we had no councelling etc etc, he said no I then said (I was very calm & collected throughout this talk) well maybe you didnt realsie it but to cut something off like that can be hard especially if you are in love with someone, he then said i wasn't in love with OW i said but you told me at the time that you were he said well i wasn't i couldnt have been if it was so easy to let go.<p>I then said well we had so much together we were always best friends, he said we will never be that way again I don't want to be with you anymore he said he didnt know what the future held for him that he could only think one year ahead at the moment.<p>I then said well because of your current friendship with a femail friend things have been very hard to deal with everything over the last 2 yrs points to you & her having an affair, his reply was yes I know thats what you all think but it's not so & one day you will realise that, he then slipped in reading stuff on the internet is not going to fix this it's over between us.<p>I said well i think we had something that was worth saving he then said well it wont happen you will soon find someone else to which i replied i don't want anyone else, he also said he wants to be on his own & doesn't want a relationship with anyone & never will.<p>He then said because maybe he doesnt trust himself i couldn't understand that but i let it go. I said I know i have to move on but needed some answers which i didn't really get.<p>We sat there for a while & he suddenly got up & as he walked by he said I'm sorry I do still care about you & always will he then went to bed (it was 8.30am in the morning) & he hasn't come out of his room it's now 10am. Now the other day he told me (was during an argument mind you that he couldn't wait to see the back of me & hoped he would never see me again....<p>It was wonderful to get that hug tho!<p>I have another 4 weeks or so of living like this so i will plan A my A**e off & then move onto plan B as I will be moving about 6hrs away from here.

Sory reading that back i see i omitted to tell you that as he walked by he stopped & hugged me & told me that he still cared for me! That has to be a positive doesnt it! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Has anyone got any feedback on this i really could do with some, H is now back in his own little world carrying on asking have you got a list for the clearing sale yet da da da da [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Wrung out,<p>Bet you feel that way now right? I understand. Me. tooo. My H did the same ol babble. U will eventually see that also in time maybe even he will see that. <p>For now, he wants to be one his own for whatever stupid reason it is. The reason will hurt you. If you can live without it fine, if not, then ask but you won't like whatever his reason will be so the anger on your part will continue. <p>That is why plan B is important. You will need to distance yourself to protect your feelings. <p>My H said many of the same things and I held on as if my life depended on it. It did not. Only after I let go of him, did the guy want to come back. But there were several false starts and a very stubborn OW in the pix. <p>So read up on plan b and if you can get ahold of the book love must be tough by Dr Dobson, it might give you a pointer or 2. <p>Take care,
L.

Sounds like he is having trouble forgiving himself and maybe feels like he can't change and doesn't want to live with the WS guilt of hurting you so much???

Hi & thanx for your feedback! I have just ordered 2 of the harleys books but i must get the other one you mentioned.
Funny thing is just an hour or so we were chatting (yip havin another smoke tis all that gets me thru sometime BUT I PROMISE I WILL GIVE UP SOON!! the tobacco companys r onto a winner with us right now!) Anyway he happened to ask me if i had a house sorted I said yes but did not know if i was going to take it now he asked where i was going to go was i going to our sons (I said no) he then said where will you store all the furniture I said i dot know yet then he proceeded to tell me a place that he knew of I just said i havent decided, I dont plan on telling him anything & will just answer nicely when he asks.
My plan when i leave here is to write him a plan B letter enclosing my wedding ring & will have absoloutely no contact with him whatsoever. AM I ON THE RIGHT TRACK!!??? Anyways i am now going to pretty myself up for the big party 2nite (have lost about 55lbs! so i feel real good about that!)

I'm impressed with the calm of your conversation with your H. It's in listening that we connect. You seem to be doing that and it sounds like it's working for you.<p>Keep the conversational tone and acknowledge his feelings. Leave BLAME out the door. You are doing great. When you get the books, read, read, read.<p>Good luck to you.