My FWH and I were out the other night, had a bit to drink, and he started to open up. He told me I could never meet all his needs because there is "nothing like taking off a woman's panties for the first time" (these words have been haunting me for the past two days). He FINALLY admited that he probably is a sex addict. And expressed concerns about having a "relapse". He also told me he realizes that there is no woman out there who can meet all his needs and that I am closest to that "perfect" woman. Then he said that his ideal life would be to have me, the loving wife, along with his children at home and an occassional fling on the side, but realizes that this is wrong and not something he should be striving for. I basically told him that this is what the counseling is for -- to resolve these issues and help him develop methods to avoid responding to the stress in his life by seeking out new women.<p>I'm glad he opened up to me. He doesn't do this too often, which is another issue I'm struggling with (he doesn't often tell me how he feels, but on the flip side, neither do I). But his words have hurt me deeply. I thought about telling him to be more careful how he words things, but realized that would be counterproductive. <p>Primarily, I'm now feeling like my whole marriage has been a lie. I feel like he's spent the last 15 years behaving like a single person and DATING anyone who would go out with him on his quest for the perfect woman. Probably with the intention of leaving me if he found her. I worry that he's feeding me a line of bull and is still actively pursuing his quest. I worry that I'm wasting my time. When we're out, relaxed, and we've both had a bit to drink, that's when he opens up to me. Never when were home talking. And usually the things he says are upseting. Am I being over-paranoid?

Dear Dedex,<p>I could have written those words! Hearing that from your H must have been so hurtful, I think I would have gone into a panic. My FWH also said the same thing about wife, home and occasional fling on the side. And about me being the closest to being that perfect woman. Sorry but that doesn't help me, if he wants someone else, he will not have me. We have been married for 15 years also, and ther have been around 10 A's during that time. I too have felt like my entire M has been a sham. <p>I found out about all A's at one time, on D-day. It was terrible. My H is not undergoing treatment for sex addiction (SA) and seems to be in the state of making great changes. I am giving him this chance, I do not want to break up my family, we have 4 children together. I need to do this for my kids, because right now I am ambivalent about our whole M and feel sometimes like I need to save myself. But that would be at the expense of our kids. However, if this behavior continues, I think that would be more destructive to the children in the long run for them to believe that this type of behavior is natural and acceptable. I won't have them believing that for the rest of their lives. I have read enough posts on here from MBer's that grew up that way to see the destructiveness of it long-term. <p>Does he sincerely seem to want to change this behavior? What kind of therapy is he in, IC or are you both in MC? Have you brought this up w/ the C?<p>Do you think that there is any way to get him evaluated by someone for this type of addicition? There are several good books out there by Patrick Carnes that have tests in them that can be done. He also hase a website that is very informative. There is a treatment center in Arizona that he runs as well. My H is in treatment in Atlanta, this place appears to be very thorough. It is full of guys getting treatment so my H says. Also there are SA meetings in many large cities that are patterned on AA meetings. Unfortunately, we live in an place where there aren't any. Perhaps he would be willing to go to check it out. <p>From everything I have read and heard from therapists, psychiatrists, if he is really a SA, w/o treatment it is very likely that he will relapse sooner or later. I'm sorry to tell you this, its an awful thing to hear I know. My H seems to be very serious about making these changes. He realizes that his entire way of thinking has been very unhealthy for him for 40 years. Its a hard rode I believe, but I am so grateful to have this chance. With a lot of continued help, he and we may be able to make it. Perhaps our M from here on out will be a real one. <p>Let me know if there are any Q's you think I could help you with. Please continue to communicate with him. C

<<<Then he said that his ideal life would be to have me, the loving wife, along with his children at home and an occassional fling on the side>>><p>Join the crowd. Is there a man on the planet who *doesn't* want this?<p>Sorry. Feeling a wee bit cynical today.<p>When my husband had his loving wife and kids at home, and a line of adoring female fun friends at work, life was darn near perfect. How could this be wrong, if he didn't sleep with any of them? Why can't I understand this, so life can go back to being great again?<p>Psycho_B***h

I have to believe that he sincerely wants to change, otherwise what is the point? The admission to me that he may be a sex addict was huge -- he's been denying it ever since the first time I brought it up (although he earlier admited to be a "love" addict). It's hard for me though, he's lied to me so many times that I can't bring myself to just believe him when he says he will leave me before he will cheat on me again and that he is going to do his best to see that our marriage works. He also told me about a week ago that he is happier with me now than he has been with me or anyone in a long time (although he still isn't really "happy" -- but happier is a good start) His behavior seems to indicate that he wants to change. But it's easy to change your behavior for a month...<p>He was very, very resistant to counseling, but he finally agreed to go -- another step in the right direction. So far he has only had one session, but came away from it excited about finally doing something about his problems. It's taken awhile to get him into the weekly rotation (the counselor is only at this location on Mondays) and he doesn't have another appt. until 4/22, but after that he will be seeing him weekly. The counselor he is seeing specializes in addictions, so perhaps he will be helpful. From what he told me about his first session, I think he will be (he's already pointed out a lot of things about my husbands behavior that apparently hit him right between the eyes).<p>I'm also seeing a counselor (not the same person, but in the same practice). We are not in marriage counseling as of yet -- we're hoping that the individual counseling will help with our personal issues and, by default, help with the marriage. I'm hoping down the line that we will both have joint sessions with the others counselor.<p>I also know that without treatment, he'll relapse. We don't have any SAA chapters around here -- but at his first therapy session the counselor suggested he attend Coaddicts Anonymous (I'm not sure why), which we do have in this area. I think he also realizes that without treatment he'll relapse (hence his candor with me the other night), and I think it scares him. This last time, he almost lost me -- another two weeks and he probably would have -- and he knows it.

dedex,<p>Glad to hear the both of you are going to be seeing a C. We didn't start seeing a MC togehter until we had each been in IC for 1-1.5 months. That is what was recommended by our IC's. We were told that we couldn't begin to work on our problems together until we started to focus on our problems as individuals. I guess its time to put you in the right frame of mind to be honest w/ one another and get ready to do the hard work.<p>Is he being accountable for his time to you and do you have access to his cell pohone, email, etc? Him being willling to do this would greatly help you even to begin to contempleate trusting him again. Its good that he is being honest, even tho it hurts. I felt like at least I knew where things stood and wasn't going to go on just to be blindsided later when I thought things were good. I have a portion of myself and my heart walled away and he knows it, too. He has told me that he is going to work hard to get me to release that part so I can be free to love again fully. We'll see. I am pretty ambivalent about the whole M right now. That may be not such a bad thing, since I have been taken for granted for a long time. (I'm codep. too)<p>Attending the coaddicts support group is a good idea on his C's part, they are generally all based on the AA principles, and apply to all addictions. Just replace "alcoholic" with sex addict/love addict and there you go. All I know is that those programs can work, but complete honesty with yourself is the most important factor when trying to change. Take care, C

(((((Dedex)))))
I hear you. I can understand that you are hurt, humiliated and frightened by your H's words.<p>However, Dedex, what about YOU? Is your H meeting your needs? Does he know what they are? Do you know what they are? Somebody once posted on In Recovery that Steve Harley told him that the WS is usually the one who is PUTTING least into the marriage. <p>It's taken me forever, okay, a little over 2 years, to realise that the A is not about the BS, it is not about unmet needs. The A is about the WS, about his/her failure to protect him/herself against his/her weaknesses, and his/her failure to communicate with the BS. And where addictions are concerned, well, the BS has as much chance of winning through as you'd have of curing your spouse's cancer by taking the chemotherapy for him/her.<p>Plan A is for YOU, the BS. You concentrate your efforts on you, you pour loving kindness into yourself, nurturing yourself, growing, weeding out your less desirable character traits. You treat your self with respect. These wonderful changes will overflow into every aspect of your life, including your marriage. Your WS may well react with anger, which stems from terror at the shifting of the dynamic and the cold slimy realisation that he can no longer blame YOU for his actions. With luck, he'll then look at himself... <p>Are you working the 12-step programme for CoDependents? The correct URL is www.codependents.org/newcom.<p>Hang in. You can do it.

Firefly -- he's being somewhat accountable for his time. If he's going to be late, he calls me. When he works a long day and has a two hour lunch, he's been coming down to where I work and we have lunch together. I'm not getting anymore of those really questionable circumstances from him (like the time he had to be in the ER until 5:30 in the morning with an employee that had gotten beat up in the parking lot -- things like that were happening about once a week!). <p>JSO -- What needs? You mean I have needs? This is a huge issue with me and is something the counselor and I are working on now (my assignment for this week is to write down 3 to 5 things I need from my husband or a relationship). Very difficult, because I feel I want so *much* that I can't narrow it down and yet I *need* nothing. If that makes any sense.<p>It scares me, but I've come to realize that I need to do a lot of work on myself. My husband is totally supportive of this and encourages me to find myself again. I know now that I can't "fix" others, but by "fixing" myself, my life will fall into place -- whether it be the loving, committed relationship I want with my husband or with someone else.<p>I've looked a bit at the 12 step program, but haven't really done anything with it. Primarily because I get stuck at the "higher power" thing. I'm not at a point where I can truly accept that there is a higher power. And until I can do that, I would feel like a hypocrit working the 12 steps. <p>I feel I'm moving in the right direction, though. The hardest thing is just being patient.