I am still having trouble... I am truly addicted, and I think part of it... is that good that comes from my contacts... but I know it will get better when I quit calling him... I am challenging myself to NO PHONE CALLS TO HIM FOR ONE WEEK... I want to record and see how often he calls and what happens when I do not call. Just an experiment... here.. I have had major issues with dialingitis since he left...you could call me psycho phone caller... <p>Often we have a bad conservation, and I feel I have to call back and fix it... often it gets worse and H gets angry... f.e. H says soemthing cruel... I hang up... so H is mad... I call back to explain why I hung up... etc... crzy I know... I have to stop... it will register a lot more if I don't call back to lecture to him why I hung up... in the past he has often called back after a hang up to tell me how sorry he was for what he did...<p>I know my H loves me... I know life by himself is not what he wants... we have really been happy, but of course... alcoholism breeds much trouble in a marriage... and my reaction to it... has not been pretty, sad [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] , but true... I have been very reactive and a major ms. fix it... always saving thing for us... or telling him what to do... etc.<p>I do have to just let go... it is really really hard. I am reading the daily letting go mediatiionsa nd those really help. <p>I was tempted to call a fe w hours ago and starting shifting my focus and doing some other things... looking at photos... etc... those photos wer nice remeinders of how happy we were... even in the face of my H teleling me how miserable our marriage has been...<p>I am givng him reaons to say... look my wife is psycho... I need to give him reaosns to miss me... not get away... this is going to take work... but I know this step is one I need to take... I have made it through days... but I do not know if I have made it through a single week without contact... before.. in 7 months of seperation... <p>Well, I will take contact initiated by him... OK, just had to remind myself.<p>Are any others out you in this situation or have you been.... any clue as to why I feel this overwhelming urge to call him? and actually let myself act on it...????<p>Thanks, Honey

Honey, I feel badly for you... I know how hard it is not to call. Just don't -- you have to get stubborn. I was fortunate in ways when my FWH and I were separated this last time because the ONLY place I could reach him was at work, and only when he was actually there because I couldn't expect a message to reach him. This made it much easier not to call. But I know what you mean about having a bad conversation and wanting to call back and make it right. Just don't. There's a book called "Don't Call That Man" by Rhonda Findling. It's about letting go and got good reviews on Amazon. I haven't read it myself, though.<p>Good luck to you. Personally, I think the tone of your posts was much better when you decided to get on with your life and let your husband go.

Honey how long have you been on this emotional roller coaster ride? Didn't your H tell you he needed you to be stable? I think he may fear a side of you that appears to be hyper and erratic. You need to work on you and let him work on himself. You can't change him but you can change you. Are you in counseling yet? I think that may be a good idea to have someone work with you on all these emotions you are going through. Pick a plan and stick to it. Nothing will change as long as you are bouncing all over the place each day. Good luck and keep smiling.

Honey, I am the Queen of Psycho Phone Callers! Seriously! I had days where I would call 50 times (no exaggeration) to try to "fix" something or get a question answered. It's crazy making and makes you feel worse.<p>So, when you want to call, come here and type your fingers off. Pick up the phone and call a friend, go to the gym, take a walk around the block, take a shower, go shopping. Sometimes I would just take a drive. However, when I was that overwhelmed, addicted and distracted I kept running into things so I don't recommend that one too highly. Also, I hit the delete button whenever he sends me an e-mail and I screen my phone calls. My ex likes to jump into the cycle too. When I "disappear" he tends to leave messages that upset me so I just don't take it anymore.<p>It will get better when you focus ONLY on yourself. That is so hard to do and it takes a lot of practice but it is doable. I promise. Eventually, you will dread hearing from him and you won't want to call. Go easy on yourself for now, it's part of the process.<p>Love,
BB

Hi and thanks for the advice.. I really can relate burning bright... My H has now told me he is counting my phone calls and he is thinking of a restraining order if I don't stop... scary? THe truth is..he is so cruel... I want A BETTER PHONE CALL... and that is why I go into hyper dialing... most of the calls are only a couple of minutes ... with my H being cruel... most of the time... since he is aggravated that I call to much... go figure! I think I have gotten up to 50... right now... H says My average is once every 42 minutes... he is exaggerating... but you get the point... <p>I did do well... when I moved on without H... but it scared me so much I went into callinga nd trying TO FIX things... I have to remember I can't... ONLY HE can want to come back!<p>I am getting in the car right now with my 3 yr old for a day at the beach! No phone call to invite H either... so tempting... but he sd he had plans... also at beach to go deep sea fishing with his new neighbor... which has turned out to be "quite" a "jewel", at least he is single... and I do know the guy.. and he has even suggested to my H that we work things out... so I guess that it is not the end of the world...it is over with the OW... H does not usually get to go deep sea fishing... never, I think... unless this guy has taken him before... but My guess is that this guy and My H will tire of my H's irresposnible antics... right now my H has no job and is running out of money fast.... he is on umemployments... and givng me less and less money.... another reason I started to freak! That means I have to work harder to come up with more money! I have a side business I can do this with... but less free time for me... when he gives less $. Anyway... hopefully he will continue to crash. I usually go to church... but today the beach! My older son is still with grandparents... so just me and little one... good day guys... no calls yet!<p>no calls today!<p>H

Honey,<p>ya'll had a beautiful day at the beach. I keep wanting to go sit by the pool but there are these pesty grades tying me to a computer. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>don't call your H, when you get home, <p>see how many days you can not call him, then reward yourself with something. <p>now i know with 2 kids, especailly a 3 yr old you really don't have time to call. <p>don't do it. tape it to your phone, etc. <p>go enjoy our tx weather, while it still is enjoyable [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

honey,<p>Like you said in your post It is an experiment keep thinking that way. Pretend it is someone else not you or your Wh. Write it down how many times he calls, But because this is an experiment DO NOT CAll.<p>I think BurningBright has the right idea. Do something else as she suggests. <p>When the thought of calling your WH comes into your mind say "NEXT" and quickly find another (but positive thought to think about.)<p>Just remember " If you keep doing what you always do then you will always get what you always got"<p>Alcoholism is tough to live with, I know first hand. Detatchment is neccessary mainly for me but also for WH. <p>Reread the 180 thread (Cali or CarolK - I cant remeber which one) Since you've been doing the calling, just don't Stop. NEXT!

My honey, you need a spanking! What happened to those post it notes?<p>Tell you what. Every time you feel as if you have to call him this week post here first. Tell us what it is that is making you feel as if you want to call him and what exactly you plan on saying.<p>Let US decide if you can call him, of course this is the honor system. There are plenty of people here throughout the day to answer you fast, so you won't be left hanging, and I will make a special effort to check in and look for you this week.<p>Don't give him the reason to think you aren't the wonderful honey that you are.<p>What do ya think?<p>Elizabeth

thanks I did have the post it notes! I will get some more out! My kids and my cleaning lady... possibly are the culprits... I need them... ! ANyway... it is hard.. I am doing way better.. and will work hard on it... I used to not be like this, and i do not know what makes me think calling him will somehow make things better... he usually talkes... and many times is nice.. but end result is I call too much, and he want s no R talk right now... he is wrung out on itl.. and stressed to the max since he has no job... <p>Thanks for the support... no calls today! yea@ go honey!
'

No calls all am! Just a little mid day cheer for me! I am rereading your posts and remeinders to me... on this subject!@ thanks, H (He has not called me in day and a half either.... kind of nice actually.)

Honey,
When are you going to start reading that book again? (Codependency No More) [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You "know" you are a wonderful person, right? I don't know you, but I know you are. I know you are hurting so much too. <p>What do you remember about the book? Going through what you have experienced is harder on you (sober one)than it is on the drinker. You lived all that in "reality". They didn't. <p>The book teaches us to stop abandoning ourselves. Start taking care of the one that counts the most; start taking control of our lives and stop trying to control everything else that is going on in the world.

thanks, yes... I read part of the book codepend. no more last week... i ahve been reading my alanon, going to at least one meeting a week... and tonight I have plans to attend for me .... a pilates class right after work! I am getting nails done this week too, and hair was done a week or so ago! cut and highlighted... working on my home my way... my career, and my business. I am trying to move the focus... from his crzyiness.. .which is focused on blaming me for all problems in his life... unfortunately my H is fallen in the gutter, and angry right now... he did it himself.. AGAIN.. .and NO , it was not my fault.. this time I may move on without him... for good... SO sad... but so tired of him dragging me down in the mud with him.<p>H

Let him fall. Please. Do not be a rescuer. See if it is different from you being there all the other times. To be a fly on the wall... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks bmwm