It's been a while since I've visited and a long time since I've posted. Here is my story: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=016454<p>I am a WW in R with my H since D-day #2 Jan.30/02. Our relationship was getting better since we were doing a lot of reading on the MB site. I've since read "Surviving the Affair" and currently reading "Torn Asunder". The withdrawl symptons were easing up but recently triggered again. I found out this weekend that the OM went back to India for 3 weeks and has returned with his wife (he married in Mar/01 but wife stayed back)(Our A started Jun/00 and finally came to end on Jan.29/02) I was surprised to hear this and I've been obsessing about it all weekend. I don't know why I can and I know I shouldn't. It's really weird because I'm feeling anger & rejection towards him even though I ended the A. I guess all the stuff he told me about how much he loved me and how his wife didn't want to be with him beacuse of the A was all just lies. How quickly his life has gotten back on track while mine is a slow and agonizing road to R. Maybe I'm just speculating about what is going on with him. Maybe he was forced to bring her back since the marriage was arranged. I don't know??? I just feel really down these last couple of days and it doesn't help that my husband and I had alot of LB all weekend. I guess deep down I still care about OM. As much as I want to fix my M somedays are just so discouraging.<p>I could really use a mentor if there are any WW's willing to talk to me.<p>Brianna

I am a WW in R with my H. D-day was October 27, 2001. I know what you mean about wanting to move forward, but then sometimes the little bits of information that float your way set you back. For me it was when he called me a while back for an update, we used to do these more often to ease the pain of withdrawal. He told me he might have cancer again, and didn't know how to tell his family. They had been thru so much. That night I had an awful dream that he died, and I kept crying and crying in the dream. <p>I too ended the A, mostly because we were found out, but I think I would have ended it soon anyway. I was not happy with what I was getting from an A, it was getting to be too weird for me emotionally. I too went thru the anger and resentment, even though I had ended it. It took about 5 months on an antidepressant and some counseling for me to realize some things. I was not in love with him, I wanted him to be in love with me. My issues come from co-dependcy due to an alcoholic father, and needing the attention that I got from an A. There were so many other issues with our relationship that now that I look back just scream co-dependency. <p>I would love to talk more with you if you are looking for someone to discuss sort of thing with.<p>PS - I was speculating all was happy with him after my H found out, that he was just living on without the shadow of being a cheating spouse hovering over him. The last time I had talked to him he told me he had taken a better paying job in another city 3 hrs away and she was all happy because she was going to be able to quit work and go back to school. I tried to ignore what I was hearing and move on with my life. When I finally talked to him again about a month later, it turned out he had asked his W to move with him alright, but she had refused. About a month after he moved, he discovered she had been having an affair herself. With one of HIS coworkers no less, she didn't even work there! Now he has their son, and is working on getting her to move up there. I am not envious of his situation, I now know he is not getting an easy ride. More than likely, your exMM is not either...<p>[ April 15, 2002: Message edited by: findingmywayback ]</p>

Brianna,
The reason, I suspect, that he 'seems' to be moving right along is that 1-his wife doesn't really know about the affair completely and/or 2-you are on the outside looking in--not knowing the whole situation.<p>You have to put thoughts of the OM away...push them out of your mind and get busy with your life. Find a project...even if it's something as small as planting some flowers in the yard. Keep yourself busy and you will think less and less of him as time goes by.<p>And I know it's human nature to think of the 'escape' that an a offers when things aren't going so well at home but remember it's an illusion. The a is not real life, it's a lie that you created.<p>Good luck.

Thanks "findingmywayback" and "franklymydears" for your input. Your right "franklymydears", maybe his wife doesn't know about me. Regardless I still hate the way I'm feeling and I'm trying to keep busy as so not to think about it. My birthday is coming up next month and I don't know why, but I wonder if I'll here from him. I don't think I will after the warning my H gave him after last d-day. This is stupid, I don't know why I'm even thinking about this.<p>"findingmywayback" your situation sounds similar to mine not to mention we are close in age. I would really like to stay in touch with you and compare updates. You can e-mail me at brianna_38@hotmail.com<p>Thanks again!

Brianna: You asked me for some input (on one of my posts) "since you are doing so well". I thought it would fit more here, and you'd be sure to get it.<p>I don't think there is too much that can be said that you don't know, but I do realize that sometimes you simply need reminding.<p>Yes, I am doing well, but even when you have the most awsome breakthrus, don't overlook the fact that there are still triggers lurking to put a bit of a damper on things. Never overexpect, as I learned the hard way.<p>Patience is a key, and always try to really understand what he is feeling. Be sympathetic, as you would your best friend if she'd come to you about her spouse cheating on her. They don't mean to make us feel as though we do nothing right - actually that's an us thing. Remember that many times when he is talking about what/how he feels, it's not to make it at your expense, but to share and release these things. You can never reassure too much - even if you sound like a broken record. Also, sometimes they aren't really looking for an explaination - simply, I can understand how you would feel that way and I am sorry I made you feel that way. PERIOD. Don't add in but this is what I meant, or anything of that sort. That can be addressed at another time if need be. Chances are they know at that point what you really meant, but simply need to express how they felt at the time, and we as WS need to acknowledge their feelings.<p>I hope this helps. Also, which I think you have, read the responses I have been getting under my post of "And It Rains On My Parade". I think a lot there could be of help to you too. <p>It's a long hard road, but it is worth it in the end. When you feel like crying for no reason, and/or that things just seem to have reached an end, come here and get that extra boost you need to help you see the realities you know. We all get down here and there, and this is a great place for support, encouragement, insights, etc.<p>One more thing: This is in my saluation, but I think it's very pertinent for you right now, so I'll add it here to - "Stay strong, be true, but remember it's ok to feel weak sometimes."<p>Best to you.

Brianna,<p>I'm an Indian man in my early 30's who married my wife through an arranged marriage.<p>I post very rarely, but I just wanted to offer a cultural perspective in additional to the
wonderful advice you've already received.<p>As you have already started to discover, while you agonize over what happened between you and him, he was able to hide his marriage and lie to his wife with absolutely no guilt or regrets and harrass you and husband with no regard or remorse. <p>All in attempts to get what he wanted. Not what was best for you or anyone else, only
best for him.<p>In India while talking to his friends, I will
bet you that he did not say, I met this most wonderful, amazing, beautiful woman. Instead it most likely went like this. A friend asks, "How's life in America? Is it true than American
women sleep around, even married women?". He says, "Yar, all you have to do is repeat
romantic phrases to her, and she will sleep with you in no time. It's really easy."<p>While traveling back to India, he was not thinking of you or his wife. There were too many available women to chat with and no one around
to worry about.<p>I speak from experience because many Indian men
like this are acquaintances of mine.<p>While arranged marriage appears to be strange and archaic in the Western world, it shares the
same basis as love marriage: two people taking a leap of faith to support, care, and love each
other for a lifetime. An additional facet of arranged marriage is that more than just 2 people, 2 families are joined together. Her parents are trusting his parents in that he is a good and honest person and really wants
to be married to their daughter.<p>I suspect that he was just pleasing his family with marriage to an Indian girl since he was able
to carry on a secret relationship with you while being engaged/married. While this may be his purpose, I can assure you that this is not hers. She enters into marriage to be with a person
she can care for and support, care for and support her, and with whom their love will grow for a lifetime.<p>Sadly for many Indian men, marriage and family
are only financial obligations. Affairs are
common.<p>The OM will never be able to care for you when you are sick, comfort you when a family member is in trouble, or be proud of your achievements and the person you are and are becoming. He is like a shadow, fleeing from complicated entanglements at the first signs of difficulty.<p>Only you and your husband can decide what's best for your marriage, but I think you can already
see though the OM's actions that he is not the answer either.<p>Please do not take any thing I've said as criticism or that I making light of your experience, it's just that I know too many
people like him who very good at building an outer shell to look good and caring in order
to get what they want, but there is really
nothing permanent underneath.<p>Best wishes,<p>Anand
OM

In my reply, OM stands for OM, a sort of Hindu
prayer, not other man! :-)

What an excellent post on the cultural issue. <p>I think the saddest thing is that it will never matter to Brianna. I believe that most WW know that the guy who is the OM is total scum, but they "love" him anyway. <p>this fact will baffle me to my grave.

Conan: I'm sorry that you feel this way. I can guess from your bitterness that you have been hurt deeply by someone. Not all WW are this way. I'd like to think that I am an exception. In any event, I hope that the cultural post will have an effect on her. She needs guidance, and support to show her that it's ok to look deep inside of herself, see and feel the pain of her husband, to see the wrong she has endeavored in, etc. It's not easy to do, but it can be done with a lot of dedication and desire. I pray for you Conan, so that there will come a time that you can find peace and happiness. I don't mean this in a negative way. I feel your pain through your words. Yes, I agree, I have run across many WW on other boards that are just what you say, but we are not all like that. I for one have owned my wrongs, am making them right, and do not care to see the OM in any light, let alone good. My best to you. Take care.

Thanks anandk, I really appreciate your insight. What you said makes a lot of sense.<p>The OM is a very charming and positive person who is always willing to help out his friends. He always knows the right thing to say which makes him "look good" around others. But as I expected and he also admitted one time, he always gets what he wants and when he doesn't look out. I suspect that's why he was so vendictive when I told him I couldn't live this farce of a life anymore in Jan/02. He was coming on very strong the last couple weeks. At the time I din't know, but he had been following me and prank calling me house just before it ended for the second time. He admitted this to my husband when he called him to tell him how were had been seeing each other again (Jan/02). I believe his intention was if he couldn't have me he wanted to make sure my husband didn't want me. Imagine his shock when my husband called him a few days later and told him to stay out of our life and away from me because we wanted to work on our marriage. He taunted my husband for not leaving me and told him I would just do it again and eventually I would go running back to him whether it be a month, 6 months or years.<p>Even though I know in my heart that the OM was not me I still think about him during my "withdrawal periods". Sure we had great times, those days are easy to remember. If only all the bad times could just as easity be remember.<p>Thanks again anandk! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] By the way what's your story??<p>Brianna

On the contrary Conan, it does matter to me. In hindsight everything can be seen more clearly. I know exactly what the OM was all about and his tactics to get what he wanted. Unfortunately I have learned, especially over this past year, that mind is a powerful tool. The more you try to put certain things/people out of you mind the more you can't get them out. I realize I am in a form of "withdrawal stage" however I am not experiencing any urges to call the OM as I did back in Nov/01. I am committed to rebuilding my M, but as tutter said, somedays we do feel weak.<p>That's for you encouragement tutter, I honestly feel much after reading both your post and that of Anand. I really believ that gaining an understanding of why the A happened is an important step to recovery.<p>Brianna

No problems in my marriage really. My wife and
I have a newborn baby girl, 5 months old. A real
joy :-).<p>I happened upon marriagebuilders.com just looking
for different ways to communicate better.<p>My wife and I have been married for 5 years and in the daily grind of life, a husband and wife can easily lose touch with each other.<p>Sure I was helping around the house, helping with
the baby etc., working hard, all the normal things.<p>But we both seemed to be drained, in a rut so to speak. <p>I wanted to find ways to better communicate with
her, did she feel like I was helping her in the ways she needed and wanted? to be able to tell
her how much I appreciated her - how much she helps me - how much I love her.<p>It's funny, she was worried about the same things.<p>The upshot is that now we make sure to spend time
with each other. Simple things like eating dinner
together and talking. Sometimes a bit late with an active baby :-). Taking walks, etc. Not much time for weekend getaways now, but that too will come in time again.<p>In our own way, we found that we each have had and will continue to have the
others best interests at heart. <p>Now, we make certain to tell each other.

That's really great to here Anand and congratulations on your new baby girl!<p>I wish I stumbled onto this website and taken preventative steps. But I guess everything happens for a reason and a difficult lesson learned is one you will always remember. By the way, I'm just curious to know what religion you are??<p>All the best!<p>Brianna

I am a Hindu.

Conan;
I don't think we can over-simplify the role and feelings of the WW. These things are complex and difficult to manage as you will find out.

Anand: Yes, congrats on the new bundle of joy. I applaud you in your efforts to safeguard your marriage. I wish you and your family well.<p>Brianna: I'm glad I can help. Keep posting, it has been a wonderful helping hand for me, and I'm sure you'll find the same. Best to you. I'm short on time today though, so I must be going for now. Take care, and keep your chin up. It really is worth every bit of your efforts.

Brianna,<p>I am sorry to seem so bitter (of course, I am at this point... LOL) but what you describe makes me so sad because it is so familar. Your OM humiliated your H!!! You said he taunted him. Can you imagine what this does to a man like your H?! My WW's OM did the same thing to me on one occassion, but I was determined to prove him wrong and regain the love of my W and make my marriage affair-proof. Guess what... the OM has the last laugh it appears, because my W did go back to him. I even talked with my WW after D-day No.2, but before I knew she was continuing the A, and we discussed this humiliating event and I pleaded with her that if she had any love for me to please never make me go through that again. Guess what... everday of my life is now basically humiliation knowing that the OM has my WW's love, body and trust... while I am left holding a pack of lies with a woman who tells me today that she knows I am "doing everything I can" and she knows she has a H "who would do anything in the world to make her happy" while she maintains there has been no contact with the OM. How can a person do this to another is beyond me (let alone their H).<p>Without my God and my family, I don't think I could go on one more day.

Conan,<p>I can truly understand your pain since your WW did go back to the OM. I know this all seems frustrating and very discouraging but you must hang in there. I to lived the double life and the OM always asked if I wasn't happy with my M then why not just end it? One of the reasons was that I still cared for my H very much and felt there may be something left to salvage. I'm grateful to the OM for showing his true colours and showing me that my H was the better man all along! <p>What is your marital history? Does your wife rely on you for financial support? If she really loved the OM she would have left by now, but something is holding her back. Whether she has some doubts about OM or sad to say, she is to comfortable with the life you have made for her.<p>Good Luck.<p>Brianna

bump....