My FWH and I are angry and upset at each other again. My sister-in-law was visiting the last three days and I've been feeling excluded. Yesterday we visited Washington, DC and apparently I ruined everyone's day (and then the evening as well). I know it is unreasonable -- but I get very, very stressed whenever I do anything new. I get particularly stressed over parking (yes, I know it's stupid, but I can't help it). We drove to one of the metro stations -- my husband rode with his sister and I had to "led the way". I kind of knew where I was going, but had never been there, so was nervous, then it was impossible to find a place to park, then we couldn't find the bathroom and the kids just took off up the escalators and by this time I'm completely stressed out to the point of a break down. I cannot enjoy myself when I get like this and all my husband does is says relax and then runs off and does what he pleases while I'm stuck keeping my eyes glued to a 4 year old who was hot, tired, and excited (not to mention the older two girls who kept running off whenever they saw anything interesting). We walked and walked, it was hot and the 4 year old was whining. I got blisters and don't even like "sight seeing" -- I want to *do* stuff, not just look -- but agreed because my husband and his sister have never seen any of the monuments. Then I had to drive home, by myself, through rush hour traffic (again not really knowing where I am going -- just looking for route numbers) and a torrential thunderstorm (which we also got caught walking in). An unpleasant day. I admit, I was a *****, but I just don't know how not to be when I get stressed like that. I wish my husband would just *do* something, but I'm not sure what.

Dedex are you on any kind of medication for depression/anxiety? If not, I think it could help you. Right after I discovered my H's A I began to have horrible anxiety attacks. My H also used to say "just relax" and if it were only that simple. Talk to your doctor and see what he/she thinks. Hang in there!

Try to get your doc to consinder an rx for Xanax, (generically called alprazolam)
It's not very popular, since it is somewhat addictive, but it is VERY effective, unlike many anti-depressants that take weeks to start working.
This stuff will work in ten minutes.
Also, it is very cheap.
I have some left from a 99 prescription. I use it only occasionally.
r

(((((Dedex)))))<p>Time for some serious POJA here! Calmly explain to your H that you can't relax under these circumstances. Tell him that Family Support is a big emotional need for you - there's no need to be apologetic or feel guilty about this. Three kids are too much for one woman to handle. Family Support, for most of us, means taking equal responsibility for the children when on an outing. Not that Daddy goes off with the grownups and has fun while Mommy takes full responsibility for the kids. Daddy is needed by Mommy and the kids, and his first responsibility is to Mommy, not to his sister. She's an adult and can take care of herself.<p>Could you suggest to H that on further outings, he drives to lead the way and you ride with either him or your SIL? Kids to be divided between the cars. While walking, he takes full charge of either the 4 year old or the two older girls. Frequent breaks for toilet and drinks to be built-in; kids just plain can't keep up on sightseeing tours. They get tired, thirsty and whiny. This is a fact of life and has to be scheduled in. If it's going to be a really long day, arrange a babysitter for the kids and the three of you go. You could even let H and SIL go, and arrange an alternative treat more to your liking for yourself and the kids. Something you really like, so you don't end up feeling hard-done-by. Brainstorm it with your H; how can the two of you best work together to make the day enjoyable for everybody?<p>You might have noticed that I have a bottomline belief that marriage is a partnership between two people, and the magic line is drawn around them, excluding all others, whether parents, sisters, best friends or whoever. Putting oneself onto the other side of the line excludes the spouse, and violates the first clause of the marriage vows.<p>BTW, you said you were having trouble with the concept of a higher power. A woman at a CODA meeting said she had the same hassle; doesn't believe in a God or that there's anything more. But she does love the ocean, so she started working her plan with reference to the ocean - washing herself clean, trusting the currents to carry her. Then she started wanting a more intimate relationship, and the ocean isn't animate. So her Higher Power now is her Inner Self. The person she really is inside, not the confused, miserable person she is on the outside. And that works well for her.<p>Best wishes, Dedex.

I'm not on any medication, although am starting to consider it. Particularly after yesterday's incident -- I've been this way for a long time, but have only started to examine this behavior recently. I'd really rather take care of this without drugs, though.<p>JSO, you're such a help. Thanks for your suggestions and I'll try to keep them in mind for the future. The funny thing is, I am the one who suggested going to Washington -- but when it came down to actually going, I didn't want to (that whole "unknown" thing). And then to feel so excluded (after also feeling excluded the day before when we went to the beach -- but that was familiar territory, so I didn't mind so much). It makes me really think that unless I'm in his face, or he wants something from me, he doesn't give me or my feelings a second thought. The worst thing is, if I try to get him to understand any of this, he'll only start to yell at me. He doesn't see his sister very often and so feels completely justified in spending all his time with her when she was here. He'll also argue that I excluded myself and didn't join in.