I said you really want to know why my ego is so bruised?
OK , I'll tell you.
I was a loyal, loving, passionate man for 31 years. I loved my wife with my heart and soul, in the deepest way possible, deep enough that it knew no bounds, and I would have sacrificed anything including my life for her. I thought the love we shared was special, the laughter and the inside jokes, the memories, the long talks sharing our souls, the common values, the caring, the protection, the cuddling moments of warmth, and the passion. I gave myself and my life to my wife completely, I gave her and my family every dollar I ever earned and all my possessions, I worked a steady job without a single day of unemployment, and added night jobs and private work to that. I was a good father, coached teams, was a scout leader, paid for private lessons for all my children, supported their every interest, took them on family trips, and was always there for them. I was always there for my wife too, encouraged her at every turn, endured her every mood and fault, cheered her on and tried my hardest to meet her every need in sickness and in health. I built her a lovely home, took her on nice trips and vacations, bought her flowers for no reason and little presents now and then. I helped around the house, did home repairs, cooking, cleaning, and laundry and gardening. I embraced and loved her family, helped them with their problems, and encouraged every one of them to visit us and stay in our home for as long as they wanted. I was attractive, energetic and a sensual lover who always saw his wife as beautiful and desirable and told her so. I treasured our romantic life. I was educated, well read, well traveled, and enjoyed wide interests. I had many friends and shared them all. I trusted my wife completely, she could go anywhere with friends, stay out, travel, or do anything with my support. I was moral and ethical in my approach to life, helped others unselfishly and tried my best not to gain at someone else&#8217;s expense. My word was my bond. I had invitations and flirtations from other women, I declined them all. None of this was easy for me. I hated school but earned advanced degrees with honors. I found little meaning or great enjoyment in career work but received awards and promotions, my upbringing was scarred by tragedy, and I was hampered by depression, self doubt, confusion, and my own inner struggles. I pushed on, I did it all, for her. I had some pride at what had been accomplished, a great marriage I thought, a great family, prosperity and security. I was not a saint, maybe a good a guy at best. But not good enough to keep me from being sold out and betrayed for a shallow, stupid, pot smoking doper, college drop out, party man surfer dude, spoiled, selfish, rich kid n&#8217;er do well, who had everything handed to him, never earned an honest dollar in his life or needed to, and has the moral fiber of a snail, the intelligence of a turnip, the loyalty of a hyena, and who has been in the beds of half the women in town, and probably half of them married. Not good enough was I, not good enough to keep my beloved wife from turning to a jackal. Nor was I betrayed for a day, or a week, or even a month, but for two solid years I was tricked, fooled, lied to, cheated, criticized behind my back, mocked, and disrespected in the most severe way possible, the sharing of my wife&#8217;s body with a rutting pig, all the while my precious family slowly disintegrating and my psyche slowing unraveling without any of us even knowing why. There is no hurt or humiliation greater than this, there just isn&#8217;t. Bruised ego? What ego, I feel that my whole life has been a miserable waste, all that I valued trashed, the sacred marriage I honored defiled, the love and respect I treasured traded for filth, and now my entire life is nothing but a total and complete failure, all the struggle and all the effort and all the toil given for naught, because in the end when it counted, it wasn&#8217;t worth a dime, not to my wife, not when she weighed the scales, and now that I know that, it isn&#8217;t worth anything to me either, you can have it. Forgive me for dying. I am already dead inside. <p>
Jack<p> .

I can TOTALLY relate. I am so sorry for your pain.<p>What was her response?!

Your letter was heartbreaking. Do not give up on life. There are many women who would value you and your compassion and ideals. Let her go. This is now your time. You will survive and prosper in the future without having a liar and cheat around your neck. Remember this was her problem and not yours. Your wife broke her moral compass so do not let her break you also. I wish you luck.

Are yall in recovery?

I certainly understand why you feel as you do. Adultery is a terrible insult. Here is a thought though...if anyone's ego should be shot right now, it is hers. You are not the one who betrayed your vows. Its not about you not being "good enough" at all, its about her making some really lousy choices.<p>Again, I do understand your bruised ego, but hope you can keep in mind that you have a LOT to be proud of.<p>Kathi

jack,<p>I'm in tears reading this...don't even know what to say...very powerful....don't give up on
yourself... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

Jack - so painful to read this post, as I could have written practically every detail (years w/ wife, length of A, coaching, cooking, cleaning, trips, etc...). So sorry for your pain. About the only difference is the OM, who in our case is respected figure in our church and was a friend/colleague/"brother" of mine. The double betrayal is especially hard to swallow.<p>Fortunately, my wife has been doing all the right things since D-day to work toward restoring our M. Otherwise, I'd be dead inside, too.<p>I can tell you're one of the good guys, and I hope you realize how important that is right now for your children. Prayers to you, Jack, as you deal with this horrible hurt.

Oh Jack, how painful it was to read your post! I feel your hurt and betrayal. I too have been played for the fool and it's an awful, awful role to play.<p>Know this--you have NOTHING to regret. You lived your life with love and kindness. You did nothing to deserve this horrible attack on you or your M. There are thousands of women out there who would do anything in the world to find a man half as good.<p>Your wife is the one with the damaged morals and screwed up perspective. She deserves to feel the whole weight of what she did, but I'm sure she will not. You will open your arms and welcome her back into them wholeheartedly. That's the kind of man you are, I can tell.<p>Jack, look way down deep inside of you. There is a part of you somewhere that the hurts, lies and disrespect have not touched. A part of you that is still alive, if only by barely a breath. Find it, nurture it and let it grow. That will be the part that makes you a survivor. With God's help, you CAN make it! And you have to be a survivor, Jack. Otherwise, how will you be able to help anyone else coming along behind you on this same road? <p>If not for that perspective, somedays I might not have made it. For what are our difficulties, but bridges that we can help others across once we find the way?<p>God bless you. I am praying for you.
amazingrace

jack - you have emotionally and eloquently stated what goes through the minds of the vast majority of BSs - if not all of us.<p>Please allow me to provide a suggestion for coping with this.<p>The simple fact that your WS asked this question should speak volumes to you. She may honestly not understand your feelings because she has not yet realized the scope of her betrayal. She could still be DEEP in denial. She has not yet looked in the mirror, perhaps.<p>Please re-read Rule #1.<p>You are not dealing with a rational person, yet you are treating her as such. Try to remember when these ludicrous questions and statements are made that you're dealing with an alien abductee. You don't have to prove yourself to yourself and you can't yet prove yourself to her.<p>Hope this helps.

I think most here would say that I'm a pretty insensitive WS...but even I can't believe that your W could ask such a question of you...<p>Hope you're doing okay...

<small>[ February 07, 2005, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Jack you've heard the old saying 'what goes around comes around' so be patient and wait for the day when your WW's looser OM gives her a taste of her own medicine, and then ask her the same question 'why is your ego so bruised?'<p>Joe

Tell her that it is not your ego that is bruised, rather it is your heart and soul. It has nothing to do with ego. <p>I was very moved by your post.<p>Estes

Jack,<p>You can look at your children and see your successes, not to mention looking in the mirror. You are still the man you thought you were. Hold onto yourself--you're worth holding onto.

Thank you all for your continued support,the recovery is actually progresing quite well. One important component has been the ability to do my venting here with input from all of you and be more selective in what I discuss with my wife. So I haven't given her this post, YET. Answers to your questions: I found out, she confessed when confronted, we are in counseling and completed Retrouvaille, Toomuchcoffee: your crystal ball is clear, OM has new girlfriend, ten years younger hard body, he has moved in, turns out it was within a month of end of A, ww "feels like ****." Poor baby. <p>Jack

PhoenixRising-<p>My ww's OM was a best buddy, I posted a letter here about a week ago regarding him and the feedback I got was what made me really value this site, I am a newcomer to the internet and had no idea all you nice people were out there. If you can't find the letter I'll send it to you.<p>Jack

Hi, Jack - missed your letter as I've been gone a bit - I'll look for it. I do remember your situation now with OM. How come the people we love so much can hurt us so callously?<p>Glad your recovery is moving forward. We hit a bump in the road last night after MC (only second session) - seems we were doing better without it! Anyway, back on track today. Can't tell you how happy I'll be when OM moves away!!

Jack,<p>would love to hear about the Retrovaille weekend if you care to share about it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>jack218:<strong>"Toomuchcoffee: your crystal ball is clear, OM has new girlfriend, ten years younger hard body, he has moved in, turns out it was within a month of end of A, ww "feels like ****." Poor baby." </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Actually I saw it the coffee clouds swirling in my triple expresso [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Isn't nice when we get a little bit of justice in this world? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But I am glad that your marital recovery is going nicely. It's very disheartening reading stories where that is not the case. I pray that your W sees that a relationship based on lies and deceit is doomed to self destruct, and that it is nothing but a fantasy. Even if she was not married, her relationship with OM was a bad one to begin with.<p>May God give you strenth, health, and wisdom to do what is right for you and your loved ones.<p>Your humble and highly caffeinated servant, Joe.
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you all, I am heading out to San Francisco for a week long business trip , bringing W and young son along for some fun, not that I don't trust anyone....but it seemed like killing two birds with one stone so to speak. The weekend went pretty well starting with a counseling session Friday morning followed by a camping night out and some work around the house Sunday. Interesting comment from counselor had to do with discussing the A. I told him that a month ago (in response to my wife's telling me in a Retrouvaille session that talking about sexual aspects of the A may her feel like crawling under a rock) that I would never bring up the sexual subject again, and I kept my word. He said why bring anything at all up about the A? He pointed at W and said she knows how much she hurt you, it is the worst thing any woman can do to her husband, she cheated on you and you (now pointing at me) and you are obviously "pierced" by it. We both sat there nodding. I'm thinking, I like this guy. AS for not talking about it ever again I said I'm getting close to being able to make another pledge but still have a way to go. Light at the end of the tunnel so to speak, but since I met you folks it will be easier to give it up cause I can rant here! Counselor said that not talking about it anymore would "free her up" and let her move on better and be closer ultimately to me.I am thinking well she sure was freed up for a spell but will sit on the advice. What do you folks think? Couple of other comments from the weekend. One of the OM's kids got in some trouble while he was supposed to be watching them but was with his new babe. W said it just shows how irresponsible and selfish he is always thinking of his own pleasure. I said well that is what drives me nuts but I had to realize that A partners are not selected for their good character, then I kind of kidded and smiled and said, you know, I don't like that guy, I don't think I am going to invite him over for dinner any more. W said things like this help her to realize more. Foghorn sounding on the shore, full speed ahead! So all in all the weekend went pretty damn well. Here's something else I want to share, and brag about too because I think it was a stroke of genius! I took my w to a photographer for some couples shots. I called the guy on the phone and told him I wanted ROMANTIC pictures,the works. So we dressed up and he took a bunch of huggy smoootchy shots. We don't have all the proofs yet but saw some samples and they are really neat. But the important part for my felllow BS's is that spouse was totally charmed, and so was I.When we got home she was all over me. So put this one in your suggestion box. Well I have to go, wish I could get to a cyber cafe and check in with everyone during the week but probably won't have the chance until next Monday, hope to "see you all" then. I wonder if anyone has already thought of having a party some day, pick a spot in the middle of the country on a summer weekend and we can all fly in like its a class reunion, but one from a different kind of "school." I'll bet we'd have a blast. Also, WILLGETTHRUTHIS, when I get back I would love to tell you more about Retrouvaille, in the meantime check out the website,<p>Best Regards,
JACK