Wow, you sure received alot of replies. I am not going to comment on what you did or how you felt, because those are YOUR feelings and you are entitled to them, right? Whether the world believes they are wrong or right, they are yours.. and that is what we all have to accept about each other. Start believing in ourselves and stop judging others. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What I am dying to tell you is that I think you just learned that you have been putting your happiness in someone elses' hands. It is no one's job to make you happy. It is your choice to be or not to be. Creation is what we all do everyday we breathe. Create whatever you want... but then don't be sad when you do not have a good life. You created it. Whether you chose to put up with someone elses' behaviour/personality. You created your own life. And what about having a bad life and having lots of problems BUT still being able to function? How many people have chose to shut their life OFF and let their problems run their lives. That is called lack of self-respect and self-love.<p>If I can suggest one thing to you... if you like to read, "In the Meantime" is a really good book. I think you would get a lot out of it. Especially seen as your light bulbs are turning on.<p>Good luck and I hope you find yourself surrounded in happiness, warmth, and love. It is a wonderful place to be and that is what WE all want in life.

PS.... that warm and fuzzy place can be anywhere. I am not saying that it will only happen with your new friend. Create it anywhere. Your choice. Your life. <p>Have a good weekend. God bless you.

Bleeding you wanted to hear from someone who is a BS H. I am.
You want to hear from someone who had an A while thier WS is having an A. I am.
You want someone to agree with you that it feels great I do
You want someone to agree with you that what you are doing is in some why right. I don't!<p>I'll give you the brief run down. My W and I have been married for 5 years. Together for 6. <p>At the end of last year, my W was spending more and more time going out with her "friends"/"co-workers". She had all but cut me out of her life. So when I told her that I was gonna go out on my own ,she encouraged me! It wasn't what I expected, but I went with it. <p>I went out and ended up starting an EA with someone I thought was pretty great. I stopped the R before it went anywhere. At the time I eventhought that I hadn't had an A. (I'd never heard of an EA before) Now I know better. <p>I do know that I felt guilty. I was ashamed of what I had almost done, what I wanted to do. Then my W found out and in the sh** storm that followed I found out that what I had been denying was true. My W was having an A. <p>My W and both decided that a D was the only solution. I moved out of our home, but just as my hope was fading I found MB. I've been listening, learning, and lurking ever since. (that was a month ago.)<p>I moved back in to my house a week after I moved out. (Into a spare room) My W who is now free of the secret talked to OM everyday. Multiple times a day. She came and went as she pleased. Oh sure she was nice to me. I am still her best friend acording to her. <p>Well the most painfull thing I've felt so far happend just 2 days ago. She moved out. Now she is completly free to do whatever she wants with OM. <p>I feel your pain. I do know what you are going through. It is different for me and my W though. We don't have any children. <p>And what about my EA? How do I feel about that? I feel that it was the second biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. The first was to allow my marriage to grow stale and not even notice that it had become stale. <p>I do know what I won't let become a mistake though. I won't just give up on my marriage. I am committing myself to recovering my marriage. <p>It's going to be very hard for my now that she has moved out, but I will continue Plan A. I will work on improving myself. I don't want to look back on this someday and wonder "what if"<p>Bleeding I think you have come to the right place. You are hurting. You have great pain.
There ishope for your marriage. Read, read,read. Learn, learn, learn. Plan A if you can. Plan B if you must. <p>I know you are wrong about your "miracle cure". For your families sake stop your A before it's to late. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to when it ends. <p>Feeling Lost

I don't know the abbreviations well, but I'll try... I'm the BS, my wife is the WS, found out about 10 months ago, been working on things since. <p>I didn't really want to be a Christian or do what I believe God wanted me to do when I found out. I wanted to die first of all, but I knew I didn't really want to because of my kids. As I cried to God, He seemed to tell me that the familiar verse - "love your wives as Christ loved the church AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR HER" meant that my wife had sunk into a pit and God wanted to use me to save her. This meant doing some really painful time, and yes, living the rest of my life with scars. I was one of those who thought - yes, I love her as Christ loves the church...but God is showing me now what that really means. I could list the "things" that would make people think I'm a good husband, but I am far from perfect - Jesus was completely sinless. <p>I found out on a Saturday morning - taught the hardest Sunday School lesson I've ever taught on the prodigal son. The Father would have been right to rebuke the son, and teach him a lesson because the son was completely self absorbed - but He didn't - and that's what Grace is.<p>God allows divorce for infidelity - but real love is placing another's interest above yours even when it hurts you really bad. Some days I don't feel I can stand it, but God has brought me this far, and my wife has gotten out of the fog now. We still have really tough issues, and I won't say for sure that we'll make it, but I know that God wants me to care for her more than for myself. I'm not that good without Him. Some days all I could pray was "Help me Lord" over and over, but that was enough for Him to hear and restore my strength for a while. <p>I thought about how far patience should go - how do I know when to give up? I thought about David in the cave when Saul was looking for him, and David could have killed Saul, but didn't because he said that God would remove Saul when the time came...<p>I had an opportunity with another very attractive, and interesting woman, but I didn't follow through. I know how vulnerable I am, and I know for sure this is a spiritual battle. If you have sons, be the man that you would want them to be in your situation. Don't do anything that in the future you would be ashamed to say you did.<p>I don't think anyone goes thru this the "right way" but look at what you really believe and don't be totally controlled by emotions. If you've had a "revenge affair", you now know how difficult it was for your wife to give up the other man, and decide to try to do the right thing. She won't do it perfectly either. <p>Think about the cross of Christ. He is the only one who faced a much more traumatic thing than we are facing, yet He did it perfectly, not because we deserved it, or would even appreciate it nearly as much as we should. But He let the scum of the earth rip His back open with a whip, and beat Him to near unconsciousness, then He put the cross on His back and carried it up the hill while the crowd laughed at Him and spit on Him. He didn't have a support group to tell how bad it was. And the hardest thing must have been when the Father turned away from Him as He hung there. But Jesus endured because of an unselfish, unbelievable love for us. <p>But let's don't forget that He rose from the dead. And He offers us that same power, resurrection power to take what was dead, and make it alive. Jesus can do that to our lives and our marriages. <p>I hope someone finds this encouraging.

Boy Howdy--Great first post!!!<p>And now on to bleeding:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by bleeding:
<strong>conquerer , you said that if my wife has dropped her responsiblity then I must carry the weight and guide us into a normal life,</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Where did I say that? What I said was: "What do you do? Drop your end and allow your child to be crushed?"<p>I didn't say you MUST do anything. You can do whatever the he\\ you please, just as we all can. I'm just pointing out that there are consequences for the choices we make, and as you should know very well, many times it is the innocent who suffer the worst of those consequences. You can stay in denial about the consequences of your actions, but they will take place regardless. If you want your children to suffer the consequences of having two parents indifferent to their well-being, then that is your prerogative.<p>What would you consider your responsibility toward your children to be if your wife dropped her responsibility for them due to death? What does HER unavailability have to do with YOUR parenting?<p>Have you always been this dependent upon your wife to determine your behavior?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong> but how Long is enough? really how long of this pain is enough?
I have had it- enough is enough !.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't know what you were thinking when you had children, but I and many others knew we were signing on for a lifetime responsibility and commitment. As one wise parent said: The decision to have a child is to decide to allow your heart to go walking around outside your body.<p>I suggest that you ask your parents and your children how long you should consider the best interests of your children when making decisions about their lives.<p>Others have already done a great job calling you on your misogyny and projection, and you were also reminded that you did not corner the market on the pain of betrayal and that you are posting in a forum FILLED with betrayed spouses, some of us more than once BTW. So I will just ditto them.<p>You posted later with a contrite attitude, but we are not so much in need of that as your family is. I hope you can connect with your higher self and decide to be a hero to your children. It really is worth it in the long term.

I just wonder how much of an 'angel' would be intimate with a married man? It doesn't sound like you plan to continue being with her, which is good. Remember what she does WITH YOU, she'll do TO YOU.

Bleeding <p> I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It may feel good for now but had you stuck it out a little linger and learned more here you may have found a healthier happiness.<p> My h has not come back yet. My D-day was on 12-31-01. I was miserable until I found MB. I followed plan A. My M is in limbo but I can honestly say I AM HAPPY! Even though my H and I have not reconciled I am a better person because of this. I found myself when I let go of my H. I hope he is the one to reap the rewards if he chooses to work on our M. But if he does not, I am VERY happy with who I have become and I will make an extraordinary wife to the next man I marry down the road. It has happenes because of my H's A. I had to take a good hard look at myself and change some things. I like the changes and will keep them.<p> You say how can you fix shattered glass? It can be done with patience and perseverence. If that glass was the most important thing to you - as your M was- you will pick up each piece and examine it. Carefully over time you will slowly work to see where each piece fits. You will delicately glue each shard back together. Some pieces will be missing forever. When you are done you may have a stronger glass than before with all the glue you lovingly applied. You will still see the cracks. But you will always handle that glass more careful than you ever did before, every time you take it out. You took the time to put it back together instead of tossing it in the trash. I believe my M is the most important thing in my life (besides me). I am willing to pick up the pieces because if I threw that glass away I would always regret it and miss it terribly. I would regret not trying.<p> Someone here once said, "If you were told you would get a million dollars if you just had to wait awhile- wouldn't you wait?" I would. According to the stats- it is still early for you and I to throw in the towel 3 or 4 months after d-day. But only you know how much you can take. I wish you luck.
Forgiver