my husbands affair is over(at least the physical part, he still works with her and sees her there but they do not talk,so i think the emotional part has to be ongoing) and i told him he needed to go to the dr. to get tested for std's. he has not gone yet. we desire eachother sexually(he is not sure he wants to live with me forever- he thinks I can't make him happy) and i am not sure how it is going to feel the first time we make love since i know about the affair. <p>what is the advice about sex for the first time after an affair and should i even do it without an std test and confirmation that he wants to try and work things out with us in everyway?<p>this is completely UNFAIR!!
heenie

We continued to have sex while my H was having the affair (he claims he always wore protection with her - cause he didn't know what/who she did on weekends (hello wasn't that a hint to not to be w/her)) so I was going to be affected regardless of if we stopped then. I did have him checked anyway. <p>He quit his job (2nd shft) immediately so he was now home with me nights. The first week after d-day it was like we couldn't get enough of each other we had sex every day and sometimes more on weekends. It was extremely passionate and satisfying as well. I don't know if it was like a competition thing with me or what. Almost like I had to make sure he was happy and I was better. He said sex was always better with me that's why he never stopped it with me. Later when I found out they only had sex in her car on his 30 min lunch break, I realized their sex couldn't compare with ours. He didn't have feelings for her, she offered and he took her up on it. Our sex life has been so much better than before the A. Mostly because we didn't have the time or energy that we do now. <p>There has only been two times that while in the mist of making love, I would think of him with her and I would cry. He reassured me he loved only me.<p>I say give it a shot, make him wear protection if that would help. Maybe it will help the two of you reconnect (no pun intended). [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Best wishes
sty

heenie,
Welcome to MB, Im sorry to hear you are having to go through this very difficult time.<p>About making him happy, or even him making YOU happy after all this, takes communication. Both of you are probably a little rusty or off on what each other's emotional needs are. Even the happiest couples need reminders. Will he or has he done the emotional needs survey with you? its a great place to start understanding HOW to make each other happy. <p>About sex: With all the possibilities of STD's these days,I think you should wait until he has an STD test, or at the very least insist on using a condom. Remember you have to keep in mind you dont know HOW many other people the OW has slept with and who they were. Remember many STD's last for you LIFETIME, or some can even cost you your life.It is your health and safety at risk, so its your choice don't let anyone tell you otherwise.<p>Good luck and Godbless!<p>-HI<p>[ April 26, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Hi,<p>My H didn't have a PA per say (on-line) so I may not be the best one to give advice here. But I did read the book "After the Affair" and there's a chapter on this - "Sex Again". I think it might help you to read this.<p>As for confirmation that he wants to work things out in everyway - that might take ahwile. You need to meet your H's emotional needs and sex is probably one of them. But I would tell him he has to get tested first.<p>I know what you mean by it not being fair. I felt that way for awhile and I was really angry. But time does make it better.<p>Just my thoughts,<p>Good luck and hang in there.<p>H&S

heenie~
Can I ask how you know for sure the PA is over? My husband is in a big EA with woman he works with and he keeps telling me it's over, but I keep finding out it's not. I'm just wondering how anyone knows for sure that an A is over. The WS is a liar/deceiver from square one, so how can we trust what they tell us?<p>I had a lot of trouble with this last night--for the first time ever. I need to know how to go on with sex while the A is ongoing. I understand about the STDs; I don't think that is something I have to worry about--but of course that's not something I can be sure of either, I guess.<p>The ongoing betrayal and deliberate lies is what I'm having so much trouble with. Last night I just felt like sobbing while he made love to me. I didn,t--but it still wasn't what it used to be, even after I realized the EA was so big. I don't know how he can do this to me....<p>amazingrace

amazinggrace-
you need to read "love must be tough" by dobson. it is time to lay down some ground rules and get this affair over with. he must cut off all communication with her. the temptation for him is obviously too strong. <p>isn't it amazing how sex can still be desired and happen even through a situation like this? it is amazing to myself that i even have the desire for sex even through all this. you would think that would be the last to come back.<p>heenie
M=5yrs
son=4,baby girl on the way

My H was very protective of me after D-day. When H moved back home after a week of staying with a friend, he asked if we could make love to me. H had said it was only EA. I agreed but cried through it all. H understood and keep talking to me and comforting me. <p>We did have a 2nd D-day where I found about continued contact and that it had not been only EA but PA as well. This was the end of the A when I am sure that all contact stopped.<p>We went away for a wonderful weekend and the sex was great. I wondered if I was giving in too easy. There are still times when I get emotional but I have explained to him that it is hard not to think about them when we are doing "our" thing. I did ask him if there was anything sexual that we have done that they didn't. There was one thing. That made me feel better. Don't know why but I felt like he had "reserved" something special between us. It may be that she just refused. Don't know-Don't care.<p>Anyway, I guess I feel like SF should be resumed as soon as you feel comfortable or at least can deal with it. But make sure that H understands your thoughts and feelings so he can help you out of your despair. <p>There are still times when I get emotional and H just holds me as says "we can quit if you need to" Usually I say no and H makes sure it is worth it<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Heenie,<p>For me, I haven't had SF since before Dday in Oct 01. I look forward to the posts here as well.<p>About 10 years ago, WH had a crazy time, partied alot, problably had A or A's. My response was SF like CRAZY. I did stuff I knew knew about or knew capable of doing. It was fanatastic. We both weemed to really want it more during that time. <p>Now here I am 10 years later in the same postion. (A's) But, I just couldn't do the SF thing. I don't have any idea if I can even be with him anymore. I just don't know. There are times I think about SF with him and how great it used to be.<p>I'll quit rambling. I would insist on STD & aids testing. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

I would be worried about the std thing. I didn't realize until my H's affair that there are 6 stds that can be spread just through oral sex, without intercourse even. <p>I was intimate with him during what I thought was his EA (he lied it was PA) and later felt very used. He had sex with her, then with me and then with her. That's the very best way to spread diseases. I regret it now. I wish I would have made a boundary and stuck to it.

Heenie,<p> I am so sorry you are in this situation. Know that I am there with you. <p> My H has been having a PA/EA since september while he was away at school in another country. When he came home for Christmas was had sex 2 times. I could tell something was wrong. We had been away from each other for 3 months I though we would be all over each other - but he was distant-(guilt). Blaming it on pressure and stress from school.<p> I found out about A on New Year's Eve. He left the next day. I have not seen him since. Those 2 sexual encounters left me with an STD. Thankfully it could be treated and I am clean now. He told his sister they used protection. Really? Against what? Pregnancy? Maybe she was on the pill. He said he thought she was clean because she was only with 2 people besides him. Well, surprise, surprise! Who were they with?<p> He has not been treated yet. He said he will when he comes home due to being in a third world country and the possibility of getting Hepatitus or something else from the clinic there.<p> I have had sex 2 times with my H in 7 months. Since he was gone I knew SF was a topper on his list of EN. So I've taken classes and read TONS of books on creative SF. I have been extremely S. FRUSTRATED!!! Thus I work out 7 days a week. My H is coming home on Monday to work things out. Apparently it is over with OW- so he says.<p> So I am wondering. Will I be turned on or will I be so turned off? I know he has an STD that takes 10 days to clear. So I figure those 10 days will allow me to sort through my feelings. But what if he wants SF during those 10 days? Or what if I do? Since I have not seen him I really do not know how I will feel. I try to surpress any thought of the 2 of them having sex. It is not a reality for me. I know it is really bad but I try to force those thoughts and images out of my mind. Perhaps it is denial.<p> I'm sorry I went on so long but I am dealing with the same mystery you are and just wanted to share that I know how difficult it is. It has been a comfort to hear others have gotten over it and had wild sex. I can't wait to try what I have learned but I fear the lack of trust and rush of bad images will squash my sex drive. Then what do I do?<p> I'd suggest you both get tested for STD's. It takes a few weeks to get the results. During that time use condoms. I have not bought any so the temptation is not there as much to have sex too fast after he comes home. I plan on letting him buy them because it is because of him we are in the situation to have to use them. I also did not buy them so they are not in the house when he gets home and possibly accuses me of having them for someone else. He did this to us, he will have ot buy them.<p> Hang in there Heenie! I know what you are feeling. Let me know what helps you so I can try it too!
Forgiver

I can relate. I Had several episodes of vaginal itch during my husbands PA. I couldn't understand until I found out about the A. We had had unprotected sex, and my gyn. told me that it was a change in bacterial flora..OW's. All other STD neg. Keep a box of condoms around the house. If anything, it will keep him guessing because he will be quick to think you are having an A since it was so easy for hime to do. <p>Just a note. I know a lot of people who went to school in the Islands. It is not a real life situation, and the A has no chance of surviving. My friends used to call them bedtime buddies, no real relationship except they were stuck in the same place and met each others sexual needs. These are not real relationships and stand very little hope of survival back in the real world. I hope your H can finish his studies quickly and come home. I know he is under a great deal of stress. I have seen my friends. It will be different, but I think that if the two of you can be in the same place you stand an excellent chance of recovery. Knowing others who were there, it is not a real life world. His time there is limited. Try to work it out if you still have feelings, travel there as often as you can if you cannot move. Good luck and I am thinking of you. Remember, his situation is temporary.