H made offer- house split(he wants it sold-family home of 20yrs) is not seeking D???(living with OW 1yr+treated as his wife by MY in-laws(who have no contact with me or 3 kids)
Offering maintenance Less than I requested but just enuf to manage on,but not to give me lifestyle I wud have expected as his wife!)I have no pension of own, he proposes a 40/60 split in his favour on him retiring-only poss on a D tho?+ he will have 2nd pension from his new compny(small tho)
So I am wife in name only-lonely & forced to leave home/area known for 20yrs.Kids are without a Dad except they know he is alive & living with OW somewhere,but no contact/or gifts.
He wants me(wife) as friend,OW as wife but no marriage?? Am I missing something??
Why if he loved OW enuf to destroy us all so badly does he not go for or ask for a D-even if he does not M this OW. Financial gain?
Religious beleifs seems hard to swallow when having A with/living in sin with OW.
Does he intend to D me when pension paid out-8yrs on, then too late for me to have built my share up or made arrangements to take lump sum out and transfer to my kids?
Has made arrangements for me to be paid some of huge death in service benefits-presumable rest will go to OW.Who has already gained hugly by her A with MY H. + her kids too.
My sol strongly advising me to go for D NOW.+seek advise from financial Advisor.
DO I ask him WHY no D mentioned /is he planning too/when/why wait??
H always been generous to me with money-but hated discussing it/has paid bills since he left +given me allow.
Even now will not talk about feelings etc.Said loves me but.... Loves OW Has a new life-hopes we can reach agreement re finances so We both know where we stand and can lead new lives.(anyone got a new life I can buy)
Trying the as if-but know he feels happier to just lead a separate life thinking I am doing just fine(IF ONLY)
Leaving me to sell house and find new one for 1!
He knows how I feel re Him but says is never coming back,
What to do?? D is NOT what I want-yet unable to support myself financially w/out doing it in future unless H has 2nd thoughts/returns home.
HELP.Any men shred some light on H's line of thought.?
Will await your wisdom-hurtin so much not logical in my thoughts only see OW gaining what I worked for by constant moves and supporting my H in his career for 30yrs. HATE ALL THIS may just give up.

Naej,<p>Well, I am not one of the guys but I will share my insight anway, ok? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Your H is still babbling. You are right, it does not make sense and you should tell him so. Stay away from the 'I love U' phrases for now. It does confuse the Ws when the BS says that. It also tends to make them sort of violent against the M since anything less than loving the spouse and family is 'bad' and they do not want to be reminded of that. <p>So let's see if we can get you some help to 'act smart'. I will start by giving you my example. When my H was babbling about D, it hurt for about 2 3 months. In the background, the OW was planning, scheming and getting a lot of research on D ready. The WS was confused and actually not able to function well, hence the babble (sometimes used as the spokes piece for the OW). <p>Now here is where it got smart (at least for me). Instead of continuing to fight the D, I rolled with it's punches. You know kinda like when the car starts to go out of control or swerve, they say steer into it, then pull it out? Ok, that is what I did. <p>How? I went and learned as much as I could (with working and all), about the D. I found a lawyer, went for a free consultation (I had previously done research on separation and D in my state), then took a walk in the local 'family court' courthouse. My child was with me, it was very stressful but we both got 1st hand view of how to do 'your own D', which is what H was threatening and then pressuring me to do (again OW's spokes piece). <p>U getting this? Ok, so one day (after a real good dream about George Clooney - bad choice I hear but it was 'only' a dream LOL!!!), I awoke with renewed confidence that if I had to go it alone I could. That boost (while still riding high) prompted me to call the WS (7:15am - he was asleep @ his place) to tell him to hurry up and go get the D. No more words, I promptly hung up. Several return calls ensued from the WS each one I answered and gave brief responses then again promptly hung up. The chain of events this caused was (IMHO) the beginning of breaking up the fog. Or at least punching a big hole in it. For you see, 6 weeks later the attempts to return home began and finally (but only recently) recovery may be in progress. I always hestitate to say that we are in recovery but we are. Now that was over 1 year ago. OW call and cuss me out just a couple of weeks ago. But you know what? Someone finally came to my defense. Yes, there are still days when I wonder if he is slipping back to his old ways with the OW (because 'the darkside is strong with this one'). When I do, he is notified. I also up the anty when he shows signs of slipping, even if it is me feeling 'unsecure'. <p>Hope this helps. <p>L.

Dear Orchid-somewhat confused by your reply-guess I did not make myself clear.
My H has not mentioned D to me,or even hinted at it.
My query was why does he not mention or ask me for one-after all hes living as tho he is married to OW.(can it be for all the "I am never coming back" speeches, he is unsure of his commit to OW.
Thought MB line was not to mention D if they do not.
My problem is knowing if and when H intends to seek a D,(in UK he has to wait 5yrs if I do not agree)by which time I will not have time to increase value of pension in my own right,or take out lump sum to leave for my kids use.
So if I now go to him and say"go get the D, or I will" which I think is what u r saying, I run a great risk of putting it in his head and doing the last thing I WANT to happen. Confused.
I see the point but I am not calling his bluff as he has not mentioned it.
As I said it is my solicitor who is advising me to D him now-purely from a financial point of veiw
as the longer I put it off, the less time I have re increasing pension.(Not that I shall be destitute if I leave it-just less comfortable)
I really want to wait esp as our 30anniv is a few mths off-my point is the thinking behind husband not asking for/or apparently wanting at this stage a D. When hes been gone for so long,tells me he has found new life and wants me to do the same??I just can,t understand where he is coming from-has he regrets but feels hes made his bed etc-too proud to back down?is OW wanting more commitmt but by remaining M to me he can,t give it.
Hope this is clearer. I have a solicitor, have financial adviser+ information on D-just haven't got a crystal ball!
Have a thread called "How do you as if when ends in sight" may add some light on subject its on gen questions
Hope things are getting better for you-you sound really strong and capable.will re-read yr advice and see if I get a clearer picture. thanks for reply.

WHAT IS MY H THINKING/PLANNING??????????????[/B]<p>WHY ISN'T HE ASKING FOR A D????<p>Hi Naej,<p>How are you? Hope you are doing better. Don't think you know me, i rarely post. Just so you know where i am coming from; first a BS, and more recently a WS, lived apart for 2 years, wanted a divorce at first then decided to try. Only lasted 8 months, didn't work, we both packed our bags. Less than 2 months later BS has a live-in BF. She blames me for the break-up of our marriage. We are now divorcing. I am from the UK too.<p>I think your husband could be sorting out the financial arrangements first to make the divorce process easier. And also, most likely it will put him in a better financial position if the divorce takes place.

Why if he loved OW enuf to destroy us all so badly does he not go for or ask for a D-even if he does not M this OW. Financial gain?<p>Probably. It could be a matter of timing.
If his financial situation is likely to change soon i.e retirement, it makes no sense for him to start divorce proceedings now as you would have more to bargain for now then later. If he is thinking of starting a new life with his OW, he would want to keep as much as he could.<p>You should consult with your solicitor to discuss your alternatives. I know how they are, they will try to get the most out of each of you. It can turn out quite ugly. If you think the maintenance your husband is giving is not reasonable and that what u r getting from the house is not fair then you should perhaps talk to him?? <p>....living with OW 1yr+treated as his wife by MY in-laws..<p>...hes living as tho he is married to OW...<p>I am sorry Naej, but at this point what do you think or hope is going to happen? His actions Naej, its not just talk.<p>My problem is knowing if and when H intends to seek a D,(in UK he has to wait 5yrs if I do not agree)by which time I will not have time to increase value of pension in my own right,or take out lump sum to leave for my kids use.<p>If it makes you financially worse off, why would you not agree then? Is it because you believe and think than he wil realise his mistake with OW and come back to you.<p>So if I now go to him and say"go get the D, or I will" which I think is what u r saying, I run a great risk of putting it in his head and doing the last thing I WANT to happen. <p>Do you honestly think its not in his head at all?<p>...Thought MB line was not to mention D if they do not.<p>Why can't you talk to him about divorce. Or why can't you talk to him about whats left of your marriage. You've hardly seen him in a year am i right? Are you in Plan A? How long has it been? Or are you in Plan B?<p>I am sorry if i sound cruel with all these questions and statements, i just do not understand your situation.

Dear Naej,<p>The point I was trying to get across, is yes you need to look out for your financial future (since most WS even though they claim not to abandon actually do). If they leave us morally what guarantee (on their word) do any family members have that the Ws (combo with OP) will not try to harm the family financially?<p>So I would say be prepared (sounds like you are already doing that), watch his actions and when you can (your strength, consider if you can handle the repercussions/backlash) call his bluffs. <p>For me the WS was 'babbling' about D. I let him babble then I threw it back on him. Another thing I did was move his stuff out. He kept babbling about me 'touching' his stuff. I did not argue I just went ahead and did it. He threatened to call the police, I told him go ahead. Now I need to let you know that before I took action I checked out my legal options. The police told me that in our state everything in the home was considered community property in the family so that I could 'touch' his stuff and he could 'touch' my stuff. I did not share all the options with him just told him to go ahead and call the police. Well that took the steam out of the threat and that is what my focus on dealing with him became. I was cautious and would not let him bully me. That tended to anger the WS but I was at a point that no matter what I did angered him anyway so why make that my main decision factor? Nope. While it played a part in my decision, my priorities changed to looking out for the interests of myself and family. Whatever happened to the WS and his things were of less value to me. I kept that factor going and eventually the WS and OP lost the ability to bully me around. In fact later, I helped them eat their words. <p>I have even been practicing my next come back should the OW call (again). Remember I was nice the last time she called and cussed me out. So now she knows I can be nice. The next time I don't have to by (my choice - remember they can't control me either). So my next come back could be something to the effect telling the OW why did she NOT keep her promises? Note: she promised - I have it in writing ,she promised to
1. make the WS healthier - he came back home malnourished and sickly.
2. Get him a good job - he is still trying to find one that makes a decent wage. All his jobs have been what he got on his own. He is now working 2 jobs. <p>3. Help him make lots of money so he can pay his bills. I am doing that not her. <p>4. Travel the world with her. She 'supposedly bought him a plane ticket in Feb 2001 and then cashed it in (because she was mad at him but didn't tell him until after she cashed it in)? Hm..... gotta wonder about that.....what about the cancellation fee!?!?!? <p>5. Set him up in his own 'internet' business. She has 2 but can't say they are very successful.<p>6. Send him to school to further his education. He has had this option with me and is currently prepping for a state test based on his OWN ability - no help from her. <p>....maybe a few more.<p>Anyway, I will remind her of her broken promises and then bash her with her tarnished repuation. Then tell her this outcome of hers due to her MO (method of operation) was evident at the beginning and eventually the WS saw her for what she really is (a gold digger who speaks in fogese babble). That she needs to stop making promises she can't keep. <p>Well that's my plan. Will not initiate it, just keep it in the background should the opportunity arise. <p>What I am saying is that you strengthen yourself so that if and when opportunities arise in your situation, you are already primed for action. <p>Take Care,
L.

Dear Naej. I am also in UK and my H left me a year ago and has been living with OW for approx 6 months. He has never suggested Divorce. If he is the one who has left you and you haven't given him a reason for D then it is all in your hands. You would have to file for D at this time. After 2 years of separation then he could file but still would be dependant on you to agree as you say its 5 years without your agreement 9 AND THEN i believe if you don't agree and your financial situation can be affected a judge may not allow divorce even then!!Like you I don't want a D and so am putting into practice all I learn here, on another site Divorce bUSTERS AND

sorry hit wrong button. I was saying that the other site I find strength from is Rejoice Ministries.
Jante

Thank you all for your replies, I get the impression, P-f-ever thinks I am crazy-maybe I am the eternal optimist,you are right had not seen H for over 1yr til this week-but we were so easy tog,My H and I did not have major fights things got bad a few mths before he left becos He was shutting me out of his life I had no idea of OW, He told us some lies about a b/trip at first- then confessed to seeing some one- in light of WHO I went beserk,had mental break down lots of problems but am on even keel at moment. Apart from lies He has never been horrid etc-that sounds ridiculous when hes living with OW-but he cannot cope with my pain,but says he is in love with OW-and has a new life-only reason he ever gave me for leaving was that I was boring and he wanted a new life.I said once before that it was as though he went out to get a paper and never came back.Just before this he had a lot of stress with company take over_ I put alot of the shutting me out down to that.
He has no contact with his grown up kids, their choice again becos of WHO and WHAT OW is/was.
My D is broken hearted still, sons just pretend he no longer exists.
We had a very happy M for most of our 30yrs, usual fed up times like most but always believed we would grow old tog.
I have had no contact with OW except ph her but never spoke when she first went to live with my H.
She left me a message sayinG H was never coming back & I should stop hurting my kids!!!
My H is a good man-I can find nothing unkind to say about him other than this OW and that he will not or cannot talk about the situation.Feels I will not cope with pain.
Yes I guess despite all. I hope he will return,pray for it cont.Truly believe that the tramp will move on if she gets better offer.All the bittterness and hate I have is directed at her.She was well known for her A with mm. Her own son left home at 12 to live with his Dad as couldn,t stand b/fs. My H says she has told him about her past!! doubt all of it. but he is besotted.
Perhaps I should love him enuf to just let him go and get on with his new life.
I cannot beleive he will deliberately hurt me financially by doing anything underhanded, then putting in for a D.
He has already offered more than his sol. advised him to.
Guess my sit is alot diff from most-a lifetime bond is not easily broken and it may sem I have been doing this forever to some but put in perspective its not so long.
Dont know if plan A or B prob B now, did write a letter, just re afirmimg my love/comm to our marriage,and will talk when he ends his A with OW. He just thanked me for my letter, but made no comment on contents other than to say he loved and missed his kids.
This is long again so will just think and re read your comments. Thanks, hope sucess comes to you soon.Jante, least your H visits kids is that easier than not seeing him- [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

naej,<p>You are not crazy ... listen to Orchid and jante, getting information is a must. You could decide what to do later. You do not put your faith in WH !!!, it is a misplaced faith. You have to protect yourself financially and then if WH later is willing to reconcile, you still could take him back. However if you do not do that, what if H dump you and OW dump H after his money run out ... both of you will suffer.<p>Think about it -RH-

Hello Naej,<p>….I get the impression, P-f-ever thinks I am crazy-maybe I am the eternal optimist….<p>I do not think you are crazy. I believe you are a very patient, forgiving and loving wife. You being married for 30 years I can understand why you think and feel the way you do. Being a WS before, I sometimes feel compelled to try and let the BS know what maybe going through our heads. And although not all WS are the same, there is a common ground somewhere, just as it is for BS. I feel like you are in denial, I am not saying that he is not coming back, that it can never happen, because it can happen, especially to you Naej, but I just don’t think that you should put your faith and have expectations in him doing so. That’s all. <p>
My H and I did not have major fights things got bad a few mths before he left becos He was shutting me out of his life I had no idea of OW…..<p>…..I went beserk,had mental break down lots of problems but am on even keel at moment. Apart from lies He has never been horrid etc…….but he cannot cope with my pain…..<p>I cannot beleive he will deliberately hurt me financially by doing anything underhanded, then putting in for a D….<p>He has already offered more than his sol. advised him to…
I feel for you and your husband. You maybe answering your own question here. Perhaps the reason he is not even mentioning divorce is because he cannot cope with your pain. Eventhough I had been living apart for 2 years from STBX, she went beserk, into total depression when I first mentioned it. It was not easy and was very painful to watch someone u’ve been with for the last 10 years, the mother of your children and who still care for to be like that. I was worried for my children, I was worried for her. I think your husband may feel the same. I don’t think your H is a bad man. <p>What I am trying to say is that I just hope that you do everything to protect yourself – financially and more important emotionally. <p>Good luck Naej.

I'd say that your H is not asking for a D because the current situation benefits him financially. When that changes, he will ask.<p>I'd bet that you get more support from him for living and getting on your feet if you filed for divorce.<p>I know you hope things turn around in your marriage, but it seems that things have gone too far. Sorry if a sound like a pessimist. A person’s actions speak louder then words. He’s not there for you are the children now. And he will more then likely never be again.

Thanks again for posts.
Zorweb, you seem to be quite hard-maybe you have had to be like that I note your marriage was v, short and that it was 3rd-its poss you do not u/stand a 30yr relationship-the bond(esp as we also grew up tog, boy next door almost)
I hear what u all are saying, and know you have my best interest at heart.
This is a real big thing, and I shall take more advice,alto my sol. thinks its a good offer_(she is not D lawyer and only does what I have asked as knows I am gainst D)
I am prepared to wait few more months at least til our 30th A is passed, I am stronger mentally, I do manage alone,not so good at finding new life but plodding on with old one minus one.
Seem to be alone in wanting to save M- kids thk I should give up-plus friends and others. But poss OW is waiting for me to do just that-she wins if I do.
OW history of Affairs/my biggest mistake was getting H to move her out from where I live-I know he will feel responsible for her to a degree now she gave up her home for him(accept she just put her D in it-only rented)
So I wait for now. take care n.xx

Naej ~<p>What exactly is the OW going to "win"?<p>You must get out of that mentality!<p>You are not in a competition and your H is not the prize. <p>Not only do you turn your H into an object, but you also enable his behavior by acting as if this is a contest. What man DOESN'T want more than one woman competing for his affection?<p>I'm going to stand with the others on this. If your H has betrayed you morally - expecting that he won't betray you financially is foolish.<p>Your H hasn't filed for divorce because he is worried about what it might do to him financially. With a 30 year marriage, you might be entitled to alot more financially than he is offering you, especially if you stayed at home with the kids. In my state (NJ), there is a number or legal precendents about permanent alimony for long term marriages (over 10 years).<p>Divorce is messy, expense and inconvenient. Your H is behaving selfishly already - so if he has a comfortable thing going now, why would he change it? <p>But if you wish, you can believe he doesn't file because he's having second thoughts about the OW and might come home. You can also believe that he won't financially abandon you too.<p>I used to believe my H would never cheat on me too.<p>I discovered a long time ago that I make better decisions when I base them on the REALITY of someone's current actions, rather than what I hope, or believe about their potential.<p>The MB "line" about divorce is not written in stone. Steve Harley flat out told me to get divorced to protect myself financially. I took his advice, and even with a divorce in the works, my marriage was recovered.<p>MBs does not recommend that the BS lay down and allow themselves to be destroyed while waiting for a spouse to think about maybe changing their mind.<p>At the very least, you should consider talking to an attorney (many offer free consultations) and find out what you might expect to receive in a divorce settlement. You might find out that your H's motivation is financial. You don't have to file for divorce, just educate yourself. Knowledge is power.

Oh and btw, I would strongly urge that you do NOT cooperate with selling the home until you have retained an attorney for yourself.<p>Going along with your H's plan to sell simply because you hope he might rethink his affair is foolish.<p>And - Zorweb is one of our long term, wiser MBers. Her advice is solid and she does know what she is talking about, even with her marital history. Just a thought - when I was divorcing my H, there were a number of family "friends" of my parents who tried to console my parents that one of their daughters had chosen the evil of divorce. Those people judged me without having a clue about my life, why I had to divorce, and thought that it must be my fault (I was selfishly refusing to stay with my vows!)<p>Z doesn't deserve that judgement either.

naej,<p>I believe that there is a difference between being 'hard' and being realistic and to the point.<p>In my first marriage for 4 years, we were together 6 years. It ended when he became violent after brain damage from brain surgery.<p>My second marriage was for 14 years. We were together 20 years.<p>And yes, I did remarry in June of 2000.<p>There are people who want to dismiss me because I’ve been married three times. They seem to think somehow a shameful brand. That is their problem not mine. Life throws each of us different challenges. The fact that I have been married three times does not mean that I take marriage lightly. It means that life has thrown me some pretty hard curves just as it is throwing you one right now. Those curves were not my fault any more then your curve being your fault.<p>As you can see, I too have lived through a fairly long marriage/relationship. Not as long as yours, but I do believe it qualifies as a long-term relationship. I take marriage very seriously. <p>Am I hard? I thought you may take my post that way and almost did not post it for that reason. But I do feel that it's realistic based on the little bit I know of your situation. In the end, we can only give you advise/input here as we see if from what we know and our life’s’ experiences.<p>You say that your attorney is not a divorce lawyer. There could be a huge difference in the advice a divorce lawyer can provide because they will know all of the ins and outs of divorce law.<p> For example, when my previous marriage ended, my ex-H wanted to give me support of about 1/10 of what I was entitled to legally. He wanted to do this for 3 months while I moved back to our hometown and found a job. Then he had every intention of cutting me off. He was also going to keep all of our assets and his retirement.<p>With the help of a very good divorce attorney, I got what was legally mine. Supplemental, equitable, support until our divorce was final. I got half of our assets. Well at least half of the ones that he had not hidden in his or his mother’s names. I will never get back the thousands I invested putting him through medical school and residency. And since our divorce, I’ve received the amount of child support in accordance with state child support guidelines. If I had not sought out an attorney who knew the divorce laws, I would have gotten nothing because that was my ex-h’s intentions.<p>Even if you do not want to file for divorce right now, it is a very good thing to know the law and your rights.<p>Another reason I said that I thought he was not filing right now is because it’s not in his interest financially is because I’ve seen men do this over and over. I am 53 years old. This is a age when many men leave their wives for a younger or different model. Many of my friends are now divorced because of this phenomenon. My friends did what you are doing, they waited, they did what amounted to plan A’ing for months, in some cases years. In the end they not only lost their marriages, they also lost what was rightfully theirs financially. Why? Because their H’s sought out legal advice on how to play the divorce/financial game until the man was able to walk away with everything. All the while their wives poured out their hearts and souls trying to save their marriages.<p>I believe very strongly that Plan A is meant to be done for a few months, not years. There comes a point at which it no longer works… where it becomes enabling of the WS.<p>I believe in the Harley principles, they work. I know they do because my H and I are having wonderful success using them. Today I am astonished that we are not only married, but we are very happy. I know that plan A works. In my previous marriage I did what was essentially Plan A for about 2-3 years. It kept us together for a while. In my current marriage my H plan A’d me (ala MB) after d-day. His plan A is the only reason we are still together. However, here comes a time when a person has to take what their spouse is telling them (verbally and through actions) as reality. I know it’s a reality you do not want to hear. There comes a time when a person has to protect themselves.<p>And after all I’ve said, I hope you are the one who is right. I hope that your H has a turn of heart and has it soon. That is what you want. I can only tell you how it looks from where I stand.<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Dear Zorweb and others- I hang my head in shame [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] I really did not mean my words to come across as you all seem to have taken them- I am grateful for all perspectives, We all do the best we can- I have since almost the beg. when my H told me of his A(altho he has never called it that -just said he had been seeing some one) taken legal advise. I do know the law in UK about my sit. My H is offering maintenance to me for my life-time, he does not have to provide for children, they are grown-up. He is offering60/40 split on home in my favour.
Plus he has ear marked a lump sum from his death- in service payments(should he die b4 I reach pensionable age). He also has offered 1/2 his pension but just reduced that to a 40/60 split in his favour. He also told me I still get 1/2 his mums legacy as and when. So hand on heart I cannot say he is being anything less than generous- my solicitor agrees.
As far as OW is concerned I knew her she worked same place altho diff job! one of her many. She made no secret of fancying my H, in fact we(h&I) joked about it.
She is a hard calculating, lying B.., and had recently been given the elbow by the MM she had been seeing for 5yrs. So cool in fact she even asked me to do her job whilst she had day off to see my H!!!
I do not see my H as an objct but I am possesive about my marriage, and the Father of my children.
I know I cannot change what has happened, but I do believe that OW is only out for Financial gain.
Plus she always picked MM before even tho I know single men had dated her-she has a hatrod of m.
She is a bad mother and yes I do judge her.
I understand all you are saying and I know you speak with love and concern.
I am not totally fool hardy and will fight for what is mine, mainly for my kids sake and secondly to prevent OW getting anything that is mine.
I have never worked more than few hrs a wk since my kids grew up-b4 that I stayed at home, that is why I have no pension of my own,now becos of ill health I am not able to work full time- nor do I choose to!
I have changed my will to reflect that H will not benifit-he understands this and has not changed his.
When in my heart I know I can do no more then I will have all advise re D at my finger tips- but for now I must go with my heart.
Please forgive me for causing any disrespect to any of you by badly wording things- it was not intended
I am soo grateful for all points of view,esp from those who have the T/shirt.This MB has literally saved my life. I have no family other than my own kids who altho are adults suffer still more than anyone can know becos of what has happened, I was told had they been brought up in an unhappy M and been dysfunctional they would have coped much better. That was not the case and the shock of what Dad did has left them devastated.
Love to all. Naej.

Hello,hope you got my apologies-
Think I am giving up!!
Had to ring H re fire claim- and had conversation re his offer-
I FINALLY hear his words-he is cold towards me-has a new life I know what he wants etc, asked what he planned to "do" after my home is sold-
Eventually had to spell it out why is he not seeking a D. He replied that he had no intention of getting re M, and he knew I did not want one??
Since when did he care what I wanted? I WANTED to restore my M, for my kids to have their loving Dad back, for at least a chance to save something of our history tog, instead of always wondering WHY, what went wrong etc.
I know he will never answer any Q concerning what happened and how he just wanted a new life/A with barmaid..
Did think about asking for him to come to C with me so that at least I might have u/stood how/why I am this abandoned wife whose H just started a new life and forgot to tell his wife why he didn,t want her in it after 30yrs.
Realise there is no point, hes had 18mths to find an answer and nothing.
He never contacts me, he never contacts his kids-nor do their G/mother or Aunt/family.
To all intensive purpose OW is his wife except legally and morally, but given her sordid past alittle thing like a marriage certificate/or Gods blessing will mean nothing to her.
Yesterday I showed first lot of prospective purchases around my home(still haven't seen anything for me)and it was so hard!!!!BUT its been so hard living here w/out my H, but at least I have had people who know me around me-and for the most part taken comfort in being in familiar surroundings.
Doubt H will ever return, doubt we will ever remain friends/why should he want to be that anyway for all his fine words,do friends usually walk out the door and forget to tell you why??
So hope is gone- will fight for financial gain now-sell our home move alone and draw aline under the past 47 years of our history tog,(incl growing up as children) NOT MUCH TO WIPE OUT really!!
Any man who can change so much, trade in wife for a tramp, give up the love and respect of 3 great kids isn,t worth it,is he??-is he?
I will find a hole somewhere to hide away and lick my wounds. Only bricks and mortar I'm losing now, life went 18mths ago.
Thanks for all yr help-mine isn,t going to be a sucess story!If I never knew what went wrong-I can't change or fix it.
Guess I go for a D.. God hasn,t triumphed over the evil (ie OW) in my life- so maybe OW wasn,t the evil-maybe God has given my H 2nd chance of good life with a Tramp who loves him. 3kids and me just casualties of the war. They are young enuf to move on wipe out memories of a man who biologically was their Dad,(Dad has managed to forget them so musn,t be that hard!)
To all those who continue the fight I wish you joy and again my thanks for your support.
Take care will read your success's now and again. Nxx [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi just wanted to bump^^^^^^ this up so you didn,t miss apology and ask question-
Anyone know if I do have to sell my home ???
Could go back to solicitor but thought someone may have answer for UK. Should add without miracle couldn,t afford to run it or pay sm morgage outstanding------Long shot I know that H would continue to pay bills +maintenance??
Thanks.Naej

Hi naej,<p>I have to leave for work ASAP but wanted to give a quick reply. Why would you HAVE to sell the house? You are still M. I assume the house is 1/2 yours. In the case of a D, you very likely would have to sell or pay H half, but as long as you are still M, it is probably yours as wel as his. It would seem strange to have a H tell a W, "You have to sell the car.", for example. Call your sol. ASAP. H probably want the $ and does not care that you lose the house. Fight naej. {{{naej}}}<p>Estes

{{{{{Naej}}}}}<p>Apology accepted. I know you are under terrible stress. This is one you do need to see an attorney about. I don’t think he can force you to sell it while you are living in it and can pay the mortgage. You really do need to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible. Consult a divorce sol too. Depending on the laws in your area, he may be required by law to pay your bills and maintenance until a divorce and even after. Your marriage was long enough, and you have not worked in a long time so he may have to pay you alimony for a long time…. at least until you get on your feet.<p>I am so sorry this is happening to you. It certainly does not seem fair.