Going on 4 months now, and I am no closer now to W, than the day the she found about about A. I have given her an apology letter and have been plan A'ing ever since, I am so lonely and miss her but realize to try to talk to her unsolicited is a LB, I think about her and what she is doing constantly, and I know that is not healthy, I really did not realize how much I loved her until this happened. It would be real easy to just move on to another woman and forget about you would think, but it is not like that with me. I have had the time to see what I had, and what I lost, and I want it back, if it is not too late. I know that she wants a D, and have not filed yet, I also know that she is reading lots of selfhelp books about forgiveness, and the book by dobson love must be tough, but when do I go for it and ask to speak to her on the phone, or for more dialogue via email, is it still too soon, when do I know for sure that when I do it I dont LB. I have noticed the tone of her emails has died down, and she is no longer calling me names and not talking about D, however 1 month ago she said that she was going to file in 1 month and this weekend is 1 month to the day that she told me that, what do I do, do I still wait or do I try to reach out again with apology, and express my love for her. She knows where I live, and has to know that I am not seeing anyone, but maybe she does not know that, but I am home everynight, and pray for her everyday and night before I go to bed. Is the end near? All opinions appreciated! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

bump, all opinions appreciated!

na,
I can assure you that none of us will tell you that the end is near. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Does that help a little? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] We certainly don't know. It's unbelievable what we've seen on here - marriages that seemed doomed suddenly take a 180 and become wonderful.... and marriages you just KNEW were going to make it, and BOOM - over.<p>sighhhh...<p>I sure wish I had some great advice for you.<p>I do want to tell you I'm so proud of you for standing firm. I'm not sure how your affair ended, but you are right - you are choosing a path that many WS's don't choose. You could say forget it - and divorce - or forget it and go have another A. You are doing the RIGHT thing by being here at MB, and standing by in your M. You may be the only husband your W has had that's willing to fight for her. <p>{{{{{{needing advice<p>(that was a pat on the back) [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope you get some more opinions here.<p>It seems to me that Plan B is not where you need to be. But giving her space is important also. MY suggestion is to send her about one short e-mail per week: "Hi! Just thinking about you! Hope you are having a good week! Miss you!" something along those line, and varying it up a bit - sometime throw in an invitation for lunch or something "would like to have lunch with you soon. Would you be open to a bite to eat this Saturday?"<p>When's the last time you wrote a letter explaining what you did wrong - what you've done to correct it? When's the last time you sent flowers?<p>Do you think it's possible she's having an A of her own?<p>okok... I didn't mean to ramble so much - just trying to think...<p>hang in there... !!! You can do this!!!<p>[ April 28, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Thank you Faith1 so much for your encouragement!! It means so much to me!
When's the last time you wrote a letter explaining what you did wrong - what you've done
to correct it? I did that on 2/19/02 and have been constantly telling her in emails ever since. I do think it is possible that she is in an affair! I last sent flowers on valentines day. I will try the lunch thing later in the week, and let you know, thanks so much! I will continue to pray for her every day and night before I go to bed. I love her so much!

needing advice,<p>Do not give up! <p>Your signature line says you moved back home. Are you still there, the two of you? When you say talking to her is a LB, do you mean any talking or relationship talk?<p>Perhaps it's time to stop telling W constantly what you did wrong. She knows and she knows you are sorry. She's watching you to see if you will continue to SHOW her that you mean it, and her feeling are still hurt. So don't bring up the A, the D, or your R for awhile. Continue your plan A. Act composed and positive (even if you have to fake it). Be open to her and be available to meet any EN that she will let you meet. Give her LOTS of time. It could easily take her a year to begin to relax with you.<p>As long as the D has not been filed and especially if you are in the same house, there is good reason to hope. Stop beating yourself up. You made a bad mistake, and you are trying to make amends. Don't give W one single reason to doubt you. Hang in there.<p>Take care,
Estes

I hope she will reconsider, and work to save the marriage. I think she'll find that a divorce is NOT an easy option, and it has long term consequences. Keep being kind to her and show her you are willing to do what it takes to rebuild. Have you offered to go to counseling? It saved our marriage after my H's affair.

We are not in the same house, and it does seem that when I have tried to apologize or tell her that I did not want M to end she spoke of D even more. I am trying to fake and be calm and cool when I see her in church, but it is hard to not want to look at her, she is so beautiful, and I just did not get it when I had her. I am in counseling and try to give her what EN I can, and I guess that is to give her space, because eventually I pray that she will be forced to talk to me, if nothing more to finalize the D, and maybe at that time I can apologize face to face, I pray for that opportunity. I will continue to pray for her every day for a softened heart, and that she lacks for nothing, and has peace and joy.

I went down to my W's job today to drop off mail as we had agreed on, and when I got home, as I was pulling into the driveway, I see her coming down the street riding by my house, not sure what to make out of it, maybe she was going to put something in the mailbox, or bring back some of my things like she did about 3 weeks ago, but she just kept going, she knows that I saw her, what should I think? What should I do? Should I let her know that I saw her or just act like it never happened?

hehe... sorry to chuckle at that. 3 weeks ago I rode by the apt where my ex and OW live, and I passed them leaving as I was driving up. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I was so embarrassed. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I know they saw me. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My vote is to think nothing of it. It may be nothing... that's your safest assumption, IMO. Especially since communication is so limited right now. If you had more communication, you might say you saw her and tried to wave.... no biggee.<p>You think she's checking up on you to see if you're alone? Think she's missing you? Does she have a key - was she inside?

She does have a key to the house anymore, I think maybe she wanted to know if I was going to be moving because the lease that we signed together ended at the end of April, but because she moved out in march, I moved back in to prevent the lease from being broken and having bad credit, for both of us. Well I renewed the lease for another year and had her name removed seeing as she the landlord and told them she had vacated house and that my stuff was still in the house, so maybe she is just wondering what I am doing. I am going to continue to pray for her every day and night for a softened heart.

Do you have Stormie O'Martian's book Power of a Praying Husband? She has written several books, including Power of a Praying Wife that has been popular for years, and she recently came out with the one for husbands. Go get it if you don't have it. Call the bookstores ahead to be sure they have it - your local Christian bookstore should have it.

My W ironically gave me the book power of the praying husband for Christmas this past year and I had not even opened up the book because of my A, and the events that followed after she found out about A. Needless to say she took the book with her when she left. She had written in the front cover of book how proud she was of me being a good husband, I felt like such a hypocrite and still do, but I am getting better.

So, how fast can you get to the bookstore and get another one? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] You won't believe the power in those words in that book!!! You will totally feel like you are "doing something" to change your life, and change your marriage.<p>There's not a whole lot you can do for HER, but there's lots to do for yourself. Live up to those words she wrote to you!!<p>Good luck!

How about asking her for the book? Tell her you are sorry that you were so far away when you first got it, that you could not have benefited from it, but now you need it's message, and want to pray for your marriage. <p>You may have already done this, but if not, is it time to ask her something like this?
I have done wrong, but I believe I have changed for the better and will continue to improve I would like 6 months to show you this is true. I propose we get back together for 6 months so I can demonstrate that it will work out between us. Before we finish for good, will you give me 6 months to try? <p>If she won't go for that, try this one:
If that seems to much for now, I would like to start dating you again and believe I could show you even through limited contact that I am becoming a different and better person and that you and I could have a marriage even better than we had in the beginning. Please give me a chance. <p>Just some thoughts. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Sent an email to W today letting her know that I missed her, and hoped she was having a good week. And no response at all, I think that next week when I email her I am going to go for broke and ask her to meet me for lunch, and to start dating again, I must at least find out where her head is at, because I hate being in limbo like this, if she is going to file for D, why wont she just do it, it cant be a money issue can it? I mean if you really want to D, dont you find a way to get it done and to move on with your life, I am just venting, I am not ready to give up yet, but I feel for the first time that maybe she wont let me back in her life and that maybe I should start looking for companship somewhere else, let me know what you think?

Thought I would jump in here! The very best thing my WH and I have done since d-day was to setup phone counseling with Steve Harley. My H didn't have a clue what to do once he told me about his A. SH is coaching him on his recovery plan. We are on the right track. I highly recommend you call SH. It's not cheap; but much less costly than a divorce; and you will know that with his advise you will be giving your M the best chance you can. Good luck! CSue

Only you know how long you can last. Some here have gone more than 2 years and had it finally work out. <p>Looks like you can only plan A in e-mail until she answers. But you can make your mail positive, upbeat and maybe get her attention that way. <p>You will have these days when you wonder what to do. It is normal, don't let it get to you. Do things that make you happy that can take your mind off it. ( I read light humor, but to each his own.) <p>I think the dating is a great idea, all she can do is say no and that's where you are now. Tell her you want a chance to show her it will work. But remember, all you can do is ask. No demands, pleading, or LB's. Keep it positive. <p>If you recommend counseling like CS suggested, ( great idea BTW) approach her with the idea that it is for you, not her. Tell her you want to improve yourself, and find out how to become a better husband and you want her help with it. Don't say "we need counseling." usually it works better that way.

Here's another link for you
Paitent1's tips<p>Read it weekly - helps lots

Thanks SS I am not giving up yet, I am taking her not responding as a positive and I will continue to work on myself, which is a complete 180 from the way I have been, and I know that she is noticing because she would have never been riding by the house this past monday. I will continue to pray for her and that I have the opportunity to spend time and talk to her again regardless of if she goes through with the D or not, but I feel good about where I am at as a person, I finally feel like I am going to be ok regardless of if I am M to her or not. Thanks everyone for your opinions and support!

Well I sent an email to W on friday telling her that I hoped that she was having a good week, and that I missed her and as usual there was not a response from her. On Sunday at church she went to my son and her stepson hugged him and gave him some pictures (3) from his birthday party a couple of years ago, and from him playing baseball when I was the coach of the team. Why in the world would she do that, I am getting totally frustrated right about now, but I am not going to give up yet. It is as if she picked out the pictures that she wanted him to have, and what about everything else that she has of mine, but that is ok I am trying to give her the space that she needs to make a decision whether to move forward with D or not. I think that I am ready to ask her to meet so that I can find out where she is at because I dont know right now. I refuse to give up but it is harder by the day to believe that she would come back to me based on the time apart with limited communication. Let me know what you think.