This is a biggie for all us just trying to survive Plan A, or who JFO...what is it that we/someone/anyone/anything can do to get our WS to understand that the A has to end and there can be No Contact if the M is to recover?<p>Thanks in advance!

all you can do is be the best you, you can be. and maybe, just maybe they will realize why they loved you in the first place.<p>my strength in all this has amazed even me. its not easy, and you cant make anyone but yourself change. work on you.

Spacecase,
For me it was easy. For one thing, I wanted the A to end. I could not stand it any longer. So I ended ALL contact on D-Day with a short email in front of my H. When I saw the pain on my H's face the night he found out, it was all I needed to end the A. <p>Once I ended it and made up my mind to work on rebuilding my marriage, it even made the withdrawl a lot easier to take. I had symptoms, but I dealt with them myself. My H really did not have to deal with that. <p>1step

Spacecase-
At first no contact was very hard for me while I was in withdrawal. My H helped by telling me he believed in me. I REALLY did not want to hurt or disappoint him again, so staying on track with my commitments to our agreements was important to me. The other motivating factor was that I wanted to be truthful again. It was uncharacteristic of me to be deceitful. So I found it a "relief" not to have to worry about having anything to hide.

Thanks 1Step & Clouds;
It seems logical what bot of you said. That's why I can't figure my WW out; she says she wants to rebuild, but continues to lie and continues contact...not sure where to go with this next...

Spacecase,
I guess it has to come from within her. For me it was just as Clouds said. I did not want to disappoint my H (or myself) by contacting OM. She sounds like she is still in the fog. <p>Does she come to MB? I can understand that it is hard medicine to take when you know that you can't contact someone who you think you are in love with. But she has to do it. And it has to come from within her. <p>In the meantime. Do like what nikko said. Work on being the best you can be.
1step

Hi SC!: <p>Sounds like our WWs are behaving somewhat similarly, though I think my W is truly trying to be out of contact with OM. I just don't know if she'll be candid with me about his attempts to contact her. 3 times now, she's told me about work-related email after the fact in MC sessions. She doesn't seem to want to talk about them outside C'ing. <p>I wish that she was ending her A like 1step did, but it's more like what clouds is describing. I, too, keep telling my W that I believe in her, because she doesn't "believe in" ILYs like I do, but none of what I SAY is doing a whole lot. But incrementally I think I'm making headway. It's very hard to be patient, though.<p>regards,

I'd have to say the steps towards no-contact only began when I backed off. As long as I tried to manipulate, by cutting off e-mail, blocking IM's, confronting my wife with evidence, my wife dug in her heels and fought for her "rights", which she has been conditioned to do for so many years.<p>Only when I backed off and, even though I knew contact and PA was continuing, "let her go" did my wife begin to drift away from OM. Also, at the same time, I was trying to offer her everything she had been denied: love, understanding, kindness, compassion, financial security, family commitment, independence, praise, respect, fun. She ended up not needing the OM for these things.<p>Finally, and most important, prayer. I had people praying anonomously for my marriage all over the country! I prayed daily for my wife to be confronted and convicted by the Holy Spirit. She was. She went back to the weekly Bible Study (which I now know she sometimes used as a cover to meet OM), she went back to her Friday walks with Christian female friends (which she also used as a cover) and she went back to the Word. God worked on her heart.<p>Hope this helps.

I know your heart is breaking- I was there too... and believe it or not... the A died a natural death... but my plan a work definitely helped our marriage... so keep it up... <p>we have fallen into another pitfall if you have read my recent posts as I suspect my promiscuis H is possibly using his maid for his sexual entertainment... I hope not... but it sounded like it in the message she left him that I heard... ???<p>SO anyway- have you seen dr. lerman, just curious? Hugs to you, I think faith1 is going to post a houston lunch date... for some mbers when she comes to town this week... maybe you can join us... I hope so.<p>Lisa

Thanks Honey!
I appreciate your thinking of me. I hope your suspicion turns out to be a false alarm.<p>I have held off on calling Lerman until tomorrow, when I have a phone session with Steve Harley. Probably after that, since my W now "appears" to be willing to go to MC, we'll set it up.<p>By all means, if there's a Houston meeting, and y'all are willing, I'd be happy to come. LMK.<p>Thanks again!
Space

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by 1stepatatime:
<strong>"...I ended ALL contact on D-Day with a short email in front of my H. When I saw the pain on my H's face the night he found out, it was all I needed to end the A.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>1stepatatime:<p>I had asked you a question about the discovery of your A on another thread but got no response, so, I'll ask again:<p>What is your discovery story?<p>What were you doing and HOW were you found out?<p>Clyde

ClydeA,
I started a new thread addressed to you to answer your question. I did not want to hijack Spacecase's thread.
1step

1Step:<p>I responded to the new thread you started two days ago addressed to me and asked some new questions.<p>Looking forward to your answers.<p>Clyde