I'm curious about the correlation between people who are abused and people that have affairs...I'm in no way saying that abuse justifies affairs, or that everyone who's abused will have an affair...I was just wondering if abused people seem to be more susceptible to having affairs.<p>For those who know about their spouse's history...I'm wondering what percentage of those whose spouses had affairs were victims of abuse at some time prior.<p>Also, for those who are with serial and unrepentant cheaters...how many BS in those situations were abused?<p>By abuse I mean either sexual, physical, or emotional/verbal. <p>I don't really expect any answers, because I can understand that it's a touchy subject...but I WAS wondering, so anyone who wants to give feedback would be appreciated. Thanks!

Hi TTF,<p>I remember a while back that Estes did some polling on various stats, with one of the polling questions being the possible Infidelity/Abuse correlation.<p>Perhaps if we're lucky Estes will show and offer her findings. In the meantime, I will search for that respective poll thread for you.<p>Lv,
Jo

I believe there was a poll like that on Recovery a little while back. I'll see if I can find that also.<p>TTF - I imagine if you do a search on "sexual abuse", you'll get lots of answers - perhaps too many.<p>I hate to take away from your own research thread here though. I'll go ahead and answer for me and my WS. Neither one of us has abuse of any kind in our past. <p>The only thing my WS has from his past is a father who did the same thing - affair and divorced his mom. Causes other then that - life crisis of a battle with cancer, and pure weakness of character! (and obviously unmet needs - but we all suffer from that, don't we?)<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

TTF,<p>Both Q doesn't apply to us. However, this is what I learn OMw. OM is serial cheaters & abusive ... OMw could takes it since her father was an alcoholic and abusive (verbal). OMw has a very high tolerant of pain and suffering and stay w/ OM for many years even the first sign of trouble was after 3 years of M. They 've been together for 20+ years.<p>-RH-

Hi TTF,<p>I can't remember my own threads! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I think mine was on HS sweethearts. Anyway....!!!<p>My WDIL is a SA victim. I know for a fact that
it changed her. She has trouble revealing her true feelings. She wears a mask. She tries to be what others expect her to be, the cheerful, good, little girl; never acknowledges that she has her OWN wants and needs. <p>Because she does not let the real "her" show, it is hard to relate effectively because you don't know who you are dealing with. I say "does", but it's probably "did." She has crashed emotionally since the A, and she may be facing the situation and making progress. Time will tell.<p>This is a really important issue. Thanks for bringing it up.<p>Estes

Disclaimer: In answering this question, I am in no way blaming what happened in my life or using it as an excuse for my A. <p>I do remember reading in Torn Asunder - some questions about past events in people's lives. If you scored a certain number, you were considered "more likely" to have an A.....not that you definitely will...or if you didn't have these things happen that you wouldn't. Perhaps it is just coincidence??? Anyway.....I scored 9 out of 10 or something like that. I gave the book to my XH, so I don't have it in front of me to reference the questions. I know one asked if you were sexually abused. One was if your parents had an A. One was if you were exposed to pornography as a child. I don't remember all of the other ones. There were also a few questions about events that happened in the last year or so (death of loved one, life milestones etc.) - I think I scored 3/3 on those. <p>I take full responsibility for my A - I know it was a choice I made and I am not excusing it b/c of the questions in this book or what has happened in my life. <p>This is just my answer to the question.

Interesting question. While I have to take responsiblity for my actions... things in my past did add up to who I am (or was), my thoughts and feelings at the time, and the events that lead up to the A. <p>I was NEVER abused as a child. Had a very rose-colored life and had wonderful parents. For some reason though, I do not have high-self-esteem. I expected my spouse to be the one to make my life complete and make me happy. I did not take adult responsiblity in financial decisions... so in a way, I stayed a child.<p>My H always had a tendency toward a temper. He had a very bitter tongue at times......I even remember times while we were dating that I felt the bite of the sting. However......I should have NOT allowed this type of behavior...I did not stop it. I did not know how to stop it...in my family, we never learned how to fight. We always just got along no matter what.<p>I'm trying to teach my children to stand up for themselves. To treat others nicely, but to also treat themselves as a precious gift.<p>Sooooooo, in my case. I allowed my H to sometimes put me down, to hurl the zingers at me in front of others while they had shocked looks on their faces. I also allowed him to treat our children that way at times.<p>I am older and wiser now......I stand up to him...which actually accerbated our problems....but i HAD to do that. <p>I regret my A. It was not right, he did NOT deserve it.... I should have handled things in an adult way. Soooo, I don't want to blame him... all I know is that if both of us had known better communication skills......I don't think we would be fighting for our marriage like we are.

ESTES49:<p>I can't find your survey! Guess I'll keep trying to figure out where it is. In the meanwhile...if you (or anyone else have) a link to the thread...please post it! Thanks!

Here is a survey about sexual abuse in the female WS...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=31&t=006120<p>That's the one I was thinking about, although it's not exactly what your question was.<p>I did a search on "sexual abuse" and pulled up lots of threads. You might try that also... and maybe one on "physical abuse", and "verbal abuse". I think "abuse" would bring up too many.

Ophra said something on that special she had on sexual abuse. She stated that when a child is abused they lose any sense of bounderies in their life, that even when asked to do something uncomtable they would say yes to please the other person. Something clicked with me, when she said that. It does not an excuse but to me the cracks were set in that person(s) when the abuse took place be it verbal, sexual or physical, almost like a coping defense

TTF, That wasn't my survey. Sorry. Mine was on high school sweethearts.<p>Estes

Neither my WH or I were abuse victims. My best friend was a WS and she wasn't either.