What happens to BS's in the wake of their spouse's affair? We get SHAFTed!<p> Sadness
Hurt
Anger
Forgiveness
Trust<p>We have to endure and somehow conquer the first three, then find a way, with prayer and our WS's help, for the last two to enter our hearts so we can move on. Only then can we again experience the love we once knew in our marriages.<p>I'm about halfway through the forgiveness part, although the S, H and A still pop up from time to time. And I guess time really is our ally, if we are patient enough, in regaining enough trust to feel like we're once again in a loving and committed relationship.<p>For those of you who are in recovery with a remorseful and cooperating spouse, I pray that you will soon rediscover the love you once had for each other in a fresh and exciting way. <p>For those whose spouses are still immersed in the fog, I pray that God will lift the scales from their eyes and allow them to see that their hope for true love can only be found within their marriage to a loving and forgiving wife or husband.<p>It's not easy getting the SHAFT. It takes a lot of work and perseverance, but my FWW and I hope and believe that God will honor our efforts by rewarding us with a new and better marriage than before. I wish the same for all of you.

Just remember.... "whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stronger"<p>I like your... (is it called anagram)? words for the letters S-H-A-F-T...

Hi there!
Just wanted to wish you the best in your recovery too! The SHAFT thing is quite true, recovery isnt easy but it helps if you have:
Caring,Love,Understanding,Communication,Kindness and most importantly Honesty<p>I wish I had a neat acronym too... but CLUCKH sounds like a chicken that needs the himelich....<p>oh well<p>-HI

I agree but, that doesn't mean that the BS shouldn't acknowledge their part in the failure of the relationship. I'm guessing that the WS would have a very similar list.<p>HoFS

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HofFenceSitter:
<strong>I agree but, that doesn't mean that the BS shouldn't acknowledge their part in the failure of the relationship. I'm guessing that the WS would have a very similar list.<p>HoFS</strong><hr></blockquote><p>As a FWW, I cannot imagine the feelings (well...I can imagine, but I know I'll never truly understand or feel them) that the BS goes through. However, I do agree that the WS may have a similar list...just for different reasons. <p>I know as a FWW that I have hurt my XH terribly. I am not excusing what I have done - on the contrary - I am so angry with myself for what I've done and what I've done to the people closest to me. Some days, like yesterday, all I can do is cry. All I can do is think about the mess I have made of all of our lives. All I can do is contemplate what I have lost. It is very overwhelming - it makes me want to give up any hope of reconciliation. Sometimes I seriously think my children and XH would be better off if I wasn't here to remind them of the pain I've caused them. <p>Anyway....back to my point. When I was married, my XH hurt me continually for almost our entire 12.5 year marriage. For a while, he was into pornography. Biblically, this can be seen as a form of adultery ("if you lust after a woman, you have committed adultery in your heart"). It was devastating. I was so broken and unable to communicate with him, b/c it just hurt too much to open myself up to him. <p>So....yes, I think WS can have some type of a list of hurts, feelings, etc. We are people too and do have feelings.<p>Just my 2 cents.

I agree that WS's could probably come up with a similar list. I've seen my wife's pain as she deals with the guilt, shame, etc. of the infidelity. Also the hurtful loss of a job she loved as a direct result of the A. I've witnessed her on her knees and broken before God, so I know the emotions are really intense for her as well.<p>Faith - getting a little stronger and feeling more alive every day!<p>HI - nothin' wrong with CLUCKH! I think it means "harmony" in a couple of the Slavic countries!<p>HofS and NC - Yep, it certainly takes two to tango, and BS's are responsible in varying degrees in each A situation. Also takes both to heal.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>HanginIn:"I wish I had a neat acronym too... but CLUCKH sounds like a chicken that needs the himelich...."</strong><hr></blockquote><p>LOL that is funny. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sometimes a little humor can have tremendous medicinal effects on body and soul. And sometimes we BS's and WS's needed it more than the rest of the population.<p>Thanks HanginIn. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Joe

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by HangingIn:
<strong>Hi there!
Just wanted to wish you the best in your recovery too! The SHAFT thing is quite true, recovery isnt easy but it helps if you have:
Caring,Love,Understanding,Communication,Kindness and most importantly Honesty<p>I wish I had a neat acronym too... but CLUCKH sounds like a chicken that needs the himelich....<p>oh well<p>-HI</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
You could re-arrange the letters and get: CHUCKL - our situations are nothing to laugh at, but it might remind us that humor is a good thing to have. It's supposed to make you live longer! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>NC20505:<strong>"You could re-arrange the letters and get: CHUCKL - our situations are nothing to laugh at, but it might remind us that humor is a good thing to have. It's supposed to make you live longer!"</strong><hr></blockquote><p>NC20505 you are so right that our situations are nothing to laugh about, but humor can lift the spirits of any suffering individual and drive away the momentary hopelessness that may cause the BS or WS to sabotage any recovery efforts.<p>Joe

“I agree but, that doesn't mean that the BS shouldn't acknowledge their part in the failure of the relationship. I'm guessing that the WS would have a very similar list.”<p>Yes, where the BS has contributed to the failure of the relationship, it is important that they do acknowledge their part in that. <p>But lets not forget that the BS has no responsibility for the affair. That choice is made solely by the WS.<p>And lets also not forget that there are different types of affairs. There are some WS’s who start cheating just about form day one of the marriage and never stop. There are many BS’s here in that situation. Many of us go through agonizing pain and soul searching trying to figure out how we contributed when in fact we never had a chance to fail. Nor did the WS ever give us a chance to meet their EN’s before jumping into affairs.