Hurtandafraid,<p>I haven't seen any of your posts in a while. How are you doing? You are still in my prayers.

Hi formersongbird:<p>Thank you so much for your concern. Unfortunately, things aren't going well. My H decided he wanted a D about a month and a half ago. I was waiting for him to make the first move to file the complaint. He has been rude, insensitive and basically making me crazy. After I dealt with the shock of him telling me it was over, I am actually doing much better. I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching and realize that maybe we really weren't meant to be together (at least not with the new person he has become). I have finally gotten to the point where I want control of my own life and I saw a lawyer and am filing for D myself this week. My H and I have already discussed all the terms of the property settlement and are in agreement so it should be fairly simple. I feel good about myself being in control now, but I have to tell you it is still very difficult to actually be doing this. I just would not even consider reconciling with him at this point. It is just so exhausting dealing with all of this and I just wish it would be over. One week I'm going great, then at other times it just become overwhelming. At least I'm having more good days than bad now which is a good thing! Would you believe that this weekend he had the kids and when they got home they told me they met the OW! He didn't even have the courtesy to tell me he was doing that. Matter of fact, when he dropped them off, he was acting very full of himself and cocky like he pulled one over on me. He has called me a lot this week and I think he wants to find out my reaction. I haven't even mentioned that I know he introduced them. I just think it was much too soon to do that, but as has been his pattern over the past 8 months, he is only thinking of himself. My D is not very happy. We were shopping last night and she said to me "so Dad's a cheater!" I almost died. But, I'm also not lying to her and said yes, dad was seeing her before we broke up. Because I have been honest with her, she has gotten through her depression and talks to me constantly. Her entire attitude has changed and she is now getting involved in school activities and has friends again. My daughter also told me that my H asks them constantly where I am going, who I am with, etc. I have just recently starting dating a little. Nothing serious, just a guy I have gone to dinner with a few times. It is nice to just go out with someone who is extremely nice to me and just to have fun and forget about all the stuff I have been dealing with. It will be a while before I can get involved with someone because I need to get through the D first. It is also hard because I only can go out every other weekend when my H has the kids. But it does feel good to have some fun and it has really helped my self-esteem a lot to know guys are interested in me. I like being on my own too. It has given me such a feeling of independence that I never experienced before. So I guess even though this has been one of the worst experiences of my life, I see now that I'll be okay and my kids are going to be okay. By being strong and taking control of my life, I am hoping that I am also teaching my children a good lesson. <p>Anyway, thank you so much for your concern. I hope to hear from you soon.<p>Donna<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: hurtandafraid ]</p>

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HurtandAfraid - how did you get over him?? I have been with my husband for 19 yrs and married for 15 and he left because he didn't know what he wanted needed to sort things out - didn't want to be married etc.. I am not sure about the other woman anymore he says there is no one in his life - this is still questionable - there may have been 2 - 1 being my neighbor next door - though he swears it isn't true.. We are filing for divorce together because he wants it and I can't fight it anymore - Our d-day was also in October but he had a OW since last April or May - still not sure what to believe .. But you sound so confident and willing to go on your own I was wondering how you got there.. I feel I am still clinging onto what I don't know??? Any suggestions....

Hi maw64 - <p>Well, before my H physically moved out, I bought a book (recommended by someone on this site) called The Divorce Remedy. In there it states that you should act like you don't care what your spouse is doing. You should act happy and like you are moving on with your life. They said sometimes this is enought to make your spouse come back to you because you are taking the pressure off of them plus your spouse is seeing a happy you instead of a begging, pleading person. I did this in an attempt to save my M. Unfortunately, it didn't help in my case, but it did something much more. While I was "acting" like I was moving on with my life, I found out that I had lost touch with what I truly loved in life. I had lost my identity being married because I devoted all my energies into my family. In an attempt to not be alone when my H took the kids for visitations, I contacted all my friends that I lost touch with to go out. In doing this, I started truly enjoying life and had a great time. I can honestly say now that I am having more fun now that I have in a long time. I also had the help of a great therapist and more friends than I ever knew I could have. I posted on this web site and also the site for The Divorce Remedy. I ended up developing internet friendships with a group of people that were of great support to me. If I had a bad day, I would post it on the site and everyone would give me encouragement. I am now a completely new person. I used to be shy and almost withdrawn when I was married. Now I have lost 80 pounds, feel great about myself and am not at all shy. I met this wonderful guy about 3 weeks ago at a restaurant I go to with my friends. We see each other on the weekends my kids are with their father and talk on the phone. I never realized I could meet a guy that is so thoughtful and considerate. Last night he even introduced me to his parents (which I am hoping is a good sign!). My H is starting to give me a hard time about the property settlement we had previously discussed and agreed to (I guess the OW decided he was giving me too much!), and I start to get depressed. But then I think back and realize I spent way too much time feeling sorry for myself and I won't do that any more. I have become so much stronger as a result of this situation and will not back down to him like I did in the past. <p>I guess the best I can tell you is to do what makes you happy. Do things that you enjoy and that get your mind off of your situation. I just pretended the OW didn't exist and stopped snooping and worrying about whether my H was with her, etc. You didn't mention if you are separated, but once my H actually moved out, it made it easier for me to stop being obsessed with his A. It didn't happen overnight, but just keeping busy and doing things that I liked helped me get over him. Now I rarely think about him. I have even accepted his being with the OW and it doesn't bother me any more. <p>Best of luck to you and take care of yourself,<p>Donna

Hi - thanks for the advice - yes my husband has moved out - but he still talks to me all of the time and comes over here to see the kids and basically hangs out with me - which I just can't find anger - it is kind of like I figure while he is here I might as well spend time with him.. Which I know is wrong I should be moving on with my life but like you I don't even know who I am - the other woman thing I am not sure if it was one or two?? so and the other #2 lives next door - so everytime I see her on the phone or driving out of her driveway my heart falls to my feet - I guess that I am still in the feel sorry for myself stage and I just can't imagine that all of this is really happening to me... I am very happy for you that you have met someone - that is the thing that I just cannot imagine - meeting someone being with someone else - I to have got in contact with all of my old friends and I didn't even realize that I had all of the friends that I have - everyone has been great - especially here - I have met some great internet pals - which helps... Thank you again for the advice and I will have to get that book....

Hi maw64-<p>That is good that you have gotten in touch with your old friends. It is amazing how many friends are there for you when you need them. I don't think I'd be where I am without mine. <p>I have to tell you that even though I may sound like I am doing great, there are some days or weeks (like last week) in which I feel like I am back to square one. It was extremely difficult for me to actually file the divorce. I know it is time to move on because my H has absolutely no interest in reconciliation and I truly don't believe I could ever trust him again which does not make for a healthy relationship. The difficult part is starting my new life and it is a completely different life that what I have had for the past 16 years. I have actually never lived alone before this. <p>This dating thing is certainly not easy. Friday night the guy introduces me to his parents, Saturday night he tells me not to get too involved because he isn't looking for a serious relationship. It's enough to drive a person crazy with these mixed signals. But it actually is too soon for me to get involved with someone. I just want to enjoy the company of someone I have fun with, but I have to tell you it is hard to keep emotions out of the picture. I have to constantly tell myself to just enjoy their company and not look for them to fill the void that I have in my heart right now. I guess that is why I make sure I don't put all my eggs in one basket. If I get asked out by another guy, I will go and enjoy myself. I know I am still extremely vulnerable, but it certainly is flattering and helps my self-esteem when someone is interested enough to ask me out. Unfortunately, it really does add to the stress level that I already have. Luckily I have a mom who has helped me a lot and some great friends who try to keep me thinking level. <p>I am just trying to find myself, but have fun, do new things and meet new people when I have the opportunity. <p>Donna

Hurt and Afraid - I think you sound great.. I can't even imagine being with someone else even if it is just to have a good time - I guess I would feel like I was cheating isn't that a joke... And I agree with you I am not sure I would ever trust my husband again and he also has no plans for reconciliation he justs wants to move on - and be by himself he says - who knows actually I don't really believe much that has come out of his mouth even though I want to and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt - I just don't know and that is what drives me crazy.. We are going to be filing jointly so he really doesn't have a lawyer and we have settled most of our decisions already so things should go smoothly - have you been angry through all of this?? I can't seem to find anger people tell me they hate him and I am the only one who likes him and they are trying to figure out why?? How long did it take you since DDay to come to the decision that it was over for you that you had had enough???? My roller coaster has been going on since October 01 and every week we hit a new twist and turn and it is really getting to be to much??? I am not sure what makes me happy anymore - I need to work on that bigtime.... Mimi

Hi Mimi - D-day for me was in October 2001 also. I hung on until probably sometime in April when he briefly wanted to reconcile and had such horrible withdrawal from the OW, he went right back to her. During those couple days he still wanted to reconcile, I was a wreck wondering if this was for real, if he would still contact the OW, was he going to stay this time, etc. When he went back to her after only 4 days, I decided that was it for me. I just cannot live like this. I needed to just move on and be happy by myself. It was just a couple weeks later that my H told me he wanted the D. It was devastating hearing that, but at the same time it was almost a relief. Now I knew what he wanted and I could deal with it and go on. Amazingly, I started feeling better. I'm not sure why, though. I just made myself go out with my friends and have fun. It was just by chance that I met this one guy I have dated. It was scary at first, but also very exciting. Like I said before, though, the hard part is keeping all those emotions out of it right now. But after being put down for so many months by my H and told I didn't have the qualities he was looking for right now, that I had to be better than the OW for him to love me, he has a passion for the OW that he never experienced with me, etc. it was nice to have someone say nice things to me. I have had several guys tell me what a fool my H is. I am still far from being over all of this. It's amazing to me how someone who was supposed to love and care for us can destroy us like this. Someone told me that it appears right now that they just moved on unscathed to their new R and left us in pieces, but in the end, we will be the ones who will end up in the better position. I have actually seen that is true with several of my friends. <p>We can do this. I know last night I was so depressed I didn't believe I could handle all this stress, but after talking to a couple friends and my mother and sister, I think I'm starting to get back out of this hole I fell in again! I'm sure it won't be the last time this will happen, but I just have to deal with it and keep on going. <p>Take care and good luck.<p>Donna

Donna - I know how you feel about getting in that rut and not knowing how to get out - my husband actually told me he was having the affair - then said it was over then I found out still contact in November - then supposedly over but never making any great attempt to make our marriage work - always angry that I wasn't trusting him giving him freedom etc..and I was emotional basketcase - he started drinking alot and going out just to tick me off. Well supposedly he had the affair with some girl he met a donut shop - then I find out because I got his code to his cell phone that he has been talking to the lady next door for over a year - sneaking behind my back - then I find out she has the original phone number of the original girlfriend but he swears nothing is going on - and it kills me to think that they have been together so now he is not living her and everytime she drives out of the driveway I think she is going to see him - but in some way I want to believe him when he says it isn't her - it is like one lie after another - Now its like he wants us to be friends and hang out and do stuff together but he just wants his freedom - he isn't in love with me that way anymore - and it hurts - somedays like you said more than others - my sister keeps telling me I need to get a life but first I have to get rid of my husband - she said no one likes him and cannot understand why I still do - I should be very angry that he has turned my life upside and is dumping me basically but I just can't find the anger - I think I am still numb... I need to get out like you - but I tell you being blamed for practically everything that has ever gone wrong in his life for the past eight months kind of wears on a persons self esteem - this is a hard thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.... When does your husband see your kids..??? I just guess I need to get over the feeling of needing to watch him drive away and let go.. You know plus I have been watching Lifetime like all of the time and basically that is one affair movie after the next - I need to break that cycle and get a life - bye for now Mimi

HurtandAfraid,<p>I almost missed your reply as I haven't been on in a while. Life has been so hectic. You sound a lot stronger than you were in April. By the way, what does your husband think about you seeing other men? <p>We will soon be visiting the place we moved from because of my husband's affair. I could really use your prayers. Supposedly the relationship ended over two years ago, but he didn't admit anything to me until about seven months after it ended. Sometimes I just feel so stupid. In my mind, I knew something was going on between him and the flirt at work, but he always denied it. We moved because people at work were already talking about their relationship and a friend warned me that she was pursuing him. The relationship continued after we moved over two thousand miles away. This is only my second time to visit since he confessed and his first time to visit since that time. He told me very few details (they had sex once - yeah right! and then that he always used a condom! The explicit email I found actually was to her and not someone in a chat room! They continued to talk on the phone at his new job.) <p>Please keep me in your prayers.

Hi formersongbird:<p>Thanks for saying I sound stronger. You should have seen me on Sunday. I was so depressed my mother was really worried about me. I guess that is to be expected after what we've been through. My H does know I am dating, but I don't know how he feels about it. I do know that he asks my kids what I am doing or who I am seeing when they are with him. I don't know if that is just him being nosey or what. I don't tell the kids much so they won't say anything. He does not need to know what I am doing. Unfortunately, things are starting to get a little nasty with him, though. He is desparate for money (he obviously does not know how to manage his money). We had agreed on everything for the property settlement and now that I have gone to my lawyer and asked her to prepare everything, he wants to change it all. The guidelines for child support and alimony tell me I am entitled to $1960 a month. He wants me to take $1700 a month. He thinks I should be fair to him and allow him money to live on. Well, I told him why should I take below the guidelines? I didn't ask to be put in this position and I'm not taking any less than what I am entitled to. He asked me today if I was going to make him suffer. I said you know what, I never thought of it like that but I have suffered for the past 9 months with his emotional abuse, so if he wants to look at it like that, then yes, I want to make him suffer. I really hate being like this and I tried to be amicable, but he just isn't being fair. I guess I have a fight on my hands. Just what I need!<p>I wish you luck visiting the place you moved from. I am sure that will be difficult. Please don't think you are stupid though. Believe me, I listened to my H talk about going to lunch with the office flirt and never once believed he would have an A and leave me for her. I just thought I could trust him. Boy was I wrong. He told me she acted like with with all the guys! She was probably just making her rounds until she found one that would go for it. Unfortunately, it was my H! But, it isn't worth beating ourselves up over it. Would it have done any good even if we did suspect something? In my case I don't think it would even have mattered. <p>Anyway, I hope everything goes well for you. Let us know how it goes.<p>Donna