Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus - Marriage Builders® Forums

My counselor is letting me borrow these tapes. There are 5 in total I think. I have 2 right now and me and my husband are going to start watching tonight.Just looking for your opinions. Anyone used them or can give me some insight on how helpful they are?Thanks

I haven't heard the tapes but I liked the book. Generally speaking, with a few exceptions, I think he's got it nailed down.Let us know what you think.Lori

Have read about the tapes & know about the book and everybody says they're good. W used to have the book and insisted that I read it- I didn't, guess she was trying to tell me something and I missed it. Is your H also listenting to the tapes or reading the book? It could probably help.

We have both books, the original and also Venus and Mars in the Bedroom. They are both good in my opinion. The hard part for me is separating what you know as truth and fact in your mind and then controlling your heart and feelings.Know what I mean?????

Hummingbird, I read the book after I read HN,HN. I liked HN, HN better because it left it more open to everyone is right which is impossible. Everyone can never be right when some of those rights are diametrically opposed to other rights. Just how I felt about the overall book. Most of what he says is the same as what is in HN, HN.------------------ God Bless, Rob

Yes I bought the series about a year ago. They gave me a greater insight about the differences of men and women. I have watched them numerous times, only problem is the wife will not watch them. But I truly believe if both watch them they can be of great benefit, to a marriage. However both must be commited to the relationship. Good Luck

Everything I'vd heard so far is all good about him and his material.I'm really excited and looking forward to watching the videos. My husband isn't much of a book reader, so the video tapes should be a great tool for him. We're going to start watching one tonight.The first one is Marucians and Venusicans, goes into detail on exactly how men and women are different. The 2nd is on learning how to communicate.I watched the first 10 minutes alone this morning, and he was very good. He talked about how when we're first attracted to someone it has all to do with chemistry and that we are only attracted to people who are different than us, and how we can even exaggerate how we are similar in the beginning for example "yeah, and we both love coffee", and then once we're married and together for awhile all those differences really start bothering us and affecting the relationship.It really hit home with me because one of the reasons why I feel I fell in love with my OM was because we were so similar, all our likes, dreams, etc.I'll let you all know about them when I'm done.

Please don't wait till you are done, fill us in along as you watch them. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I bought the book for a quarter at a used book sale. I had scanned it a few years ago, but now I'll pull it out and read it quickly.Sometimes I think that the title is an understatement. Sometimes I think my H is from a different solar system [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Please give us updates!------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

And once you get John Gray's stuff digested - you might want to consider the other side of his philosophies by reading "Rebuttal from Uranus" at <A HREF="http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/welcome.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/welcome.htm</A> The intro reads: This page is exclusively for the critical review and analysis of the enormously popular (as puzzling as that may be) self-help book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships (New York: HarperCollins, 1992). Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes.

I read somewhere that the good Dr. Gray's own marriage didn't work out.

Karma - the "butt" and "anus" of Rebuttal from Uranus didn't get past me!!Never Again, you are right. He was married to Barbara DeAngeles and they are divorced. Furthermore, John Gray has a bogus degree in Psych. The book is fun, entertainment. Don't take it too seriously, Hum.~Sheryl------------------ Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.~John Lennon

Ya, new_beginning - it's an awfully cute web page title. Gotta love it!At the end of the webpage are some book recommendations that are beyond the Mars/Venus sexist point of view - check them out. There's something seriously wrong with John Gray, and my experienced radar as a makeup artist says "CROSSDRESSER!" It's the hair, the Richard Simmon's tears in his eyes, the lack of masculine behavior (pardon my sexism). I think he's got frilly panties under his suit.

Karma - HA! Right on the money about John Gray... I thought something seemed fishy... and I have waaaaaaaaaay more respect for Richard Simmons, who at least knows and loves who he is!!~Sheryl------------------ Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.~John Lennon

Hummingbird, don't let the negative comments discourage you.If you and your H can watch the tapes, see a little of yourself in them, laugh together maybe, then why not.If communication is opened up, who cares if he is wearing panties.Your a smart woman, you can filter what is of value and you can disagree and discuss all of this with your H.I found with my H it is sometimes easier to discuss "in theory" rather than talk about "us"...I think because it is not so personal and neither one of us is defensive or sensitive like we can be when talking about "us".Snuggle up, pop some popcorn and then open up to each other. Have a great evening.------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Karma,I just checked out the website, what a HOOT!The report on his personal success workshop was THE BEST!Hum, Not trying to be negative... you two have a nice night together and get what you can out of the tapes!~Sheryl------------------ Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans.~John Lennon[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited December 16, 1999).]

Thanks to everyone for replying.I know everyone is entitled to their opinion and not everything works for everyone. I'm going to keep an open mind and give it a shot, if anything, it's time with my husband that we can share and at the least hopefully laugh together.FHL, what you wrote:"I found with my H it is sometimes easier to discuss "in theory" rather than talk about "us"...I think because it is not so personal and neither one of us is defensive or sensitive like we can be when talking about us"Oh, this is so true with me as well. He doesn't feel as though I'm attacking him and expresses his feelings more easily.

I have read Grays' books and found them to be helpful with communicating but very stereo-typical concerning male/female behaviors. Although he does give indication that everyones different I felt it shoud be a personality type issue. The book about the beroom made me feel uncomfortable due to the suggestion that if you don't give into your H sexual needs he'll have an affair. So as woman are we suppose to just as "lets just have a quickie" to keep our H from feeling oblicated to find sex else where? Are we underestimating an adults control over not getting his way? Gray is a man and I think he is stressing the need for sex too much. Don't some woman want sex and can't always get it? Just venting! Take Care, BECCA

Becca,The answer to your last question is yes and these women also leave their husbands just as women who don't get their needs met on emotional issues. Sex is very important to many men and is a need. You will just have to take men's word on that. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Actually, your comment on sterotypes interests me. Sterotypes are not wrong and are the natural human process of trying to see patterns in things and people. What gets people in trouble is using sterotypes of people instead of getting information about the person they are dealing with. But sterotypes exist for a reason. There are often repeated patterns in groups of peoples behavior that is common and is sterotypical.I guess I am going to have to read " Men are from Mars, women ..." to stay up with this conversation. JL

I haven't read "Men are from Mars...", but a friend of mine related some of it to me. My therapist warned me that this was "Pop Psychology" and to very careful of how much of the philosophy I took seriously. She said it made for entertaining reading, but there wasn't enough truth in it to make it a reference.Sheryl -- You mentioned Barbara DeAngeles. I think that she has been married at least three times. I kinda thought that that might make her an expert on relationships, but not necessarily "good" relationships..

Hi Everyone,Just an update, me and my husband watched the first tape last night. It was an hour. We did laugh alot, my husband came right out and made his comments where he admitted he "was just like that" and also in parts where he thought didn't fit at all.I found the part about men having their "cave" to retreat to interesting. When they come home from work, they need to be alone for alittle while, don't want to talk and women should respect that. I related it to hunting with my husband and in the summer how he practices shooting his bow for 1/2 hr - 1hr everynight. He even made that comment, that he needs that to unwind. It helped me to understand. I was always hurt when I came home from work and he didn't want to spend time with me immediately.Is this true men?

This may qualify for "too much information", but my H heads to his "home office" (bathroom) and then off to the bedroom for a nap. The dog even knows where to look for him.------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Wonder why Gray doesn't stress that women like to talk to their husbands when the work day is over, and that men should respect THAT?I've read Gray's claptrap and found his principles to be utterly sexist (not to mention hysterically funny).And not to be elitist or anything, but I wouldn't put too much stock in what a man with "degrees" from Maharishi Yogi's "university" has to say.

Hummingbird, It is true now more than any other time in my life. I guess it is because I am so uptight that I need to unwind so that I don't blow up on her. However, my W thinks much like a man. It is really hard. Then she will turn right around and do something that is much like a woman. I get confused most of the time by her behavior.------------------ God Bless, Rob

How to be the Perfect John Gray Stepford Wife: <A HREF="http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/wife.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/wife.htm</A>

You know, it is a fine line between being "sexist" and between acknowledging stereotypical gender differences.Sometimes the feminist view has been to combat the idea of gender differences...and although I applaud the many women that worked so hard to equalize things for women, especially in the workplace, I think that denying differences does a disservice to our personal relationships.Although everyone is a unique individual, understanding natural or even learned gender differences leads to better communication and less misinterpretation.Take Hummingbird, maybe her H does have that cave thing going. So maybe he does just do what he does to unwind...which means it had nothing to do with Hum. Hum, not being aware of this "guy thing" interprets his behavior to mean he doesn't want to spend time with her...which then probily changes to he doesn't want to spend time with her because he doesn't care. So now we have a hurt Hum and a clueless H. She may start to "act if" her interpretation is true. Her communications may become accusatory or otherwise inflamed. This makes clueless H defensive. He is also at a disadvantage because he doesn't understand Hum's need for emotional connection. So he may misinterpret her motivations. He feels defensive and pressured and he may not even be able to put his finger on why. So he acts on this by pulling away more. And there you have the downward spiral.Now if each aware of general gender differences...they wouldn't personalize them as easily and perhaps work out a mutually agreeable solution.Since I have just scanned his material, I am no way defending Dr. Gray. But we have to remember just because we may not like something, that doesn't mean it has no merit or it is wise to ignore it.If we can look at any information with an open mind with the goal of improving our personal relationships we will grow and learn from at least some of it.Sadly it is usually useless to say how someone should or shouldn't behave and base our reactions accordingly. We may be "right" but it may not help us to achieve our goals...plus then we are tied to another persons behavior. If we empower ourselves by seeing any given situation for what it is and examine our own options of accepting it, changing the situation or changing ourselves, we will utimately be further ahead...and probibly influence more change in others than we would have if we just sat back with our unmet expectations.------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Let me just tell everyone the way this whole thing started was that my husband saw the commercials on TV. I've seen them too but really didn't think my husband would want to watch with me. About two weeks ago, he approached me with a phone number on a tiny piece of paper. I said "what's this?" He said "it's that mens are from mars..., can you call and order the tapes, I saw the commercials and I thought maybe it could help us". I told my counselor what he said, she said that she actually had them and that I didn't need to buy them I could borrow them from her. I would talk to my OM about my husband's hobby and how I would feel neglected when I came home, that he would spend an hour outside shooting his bow and arrow, etc. My OM would tell me how unbelievable he was, that he was taking me foregranted, that if he was married to me, I would be his hobby, I would be his way of unwinding for day, spending time with me would be his #1 priority. I would interpret my husbands actions as he feels that I am second in his life and didn't love me as much as my OM.Even if I can take alittle good out of these tapes, I'll be happy I watched them. Every little thing helps.

Your H took this action? That is fantastic!!!You are absolutely doing the right thing watching them with him.Anything you can do to encourage him to take some ownership of the problems and the solutions in your relationship is worthwhile.I'm thinking that OM has his own cave and he is making no attempt to make his wife his hobby and I can guarantee you that after a while you wouldn't have been his hobby either. When he was feeding you this crap, did you ever ask him what he did after work? Did he go straight home? Then what?------------------ Faith, Hope, Love Remain, but the greatest of these is Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13

Hummingbird,Your OM was making you his hobby!! And if you went with him, someone else would have become his hobby. I have known many men (and I am a man) whose hobby was "collecting notches" on the old bed. At the risk of sounding sexist (it is about sex and how males view it), this is primarily a male hobby. Women have one of a similar vain, it used to be called "how many men can I string along." The idea was have many men circling around by give them "nothing" if you know what I mean. Yes, men and women are different and anyone who tells you otherwise is not paying much attention. Whether Gray is right is not important, your H is seeking information about himself and you because he is trying to work on the marriage. That is very good. You both will learn alot from those tapes, just as you learn things on this site. We are not licened Psych. trained people. You take what seems right upon thinking about it. You H has a very major problem. Since he doesn't know about the affair, his chances of being successful at helping you and being happy are really not good. Here is why I say that. You will be carrying the guilt of the affair around with you for the rest of your life. As you are beginning to see, your H is not a bad guy and seems relatively normal. He loves you in his own way. He is probably somewhat clueless due to age and experience. You chose to have the affair. This awareness will wear on you, and you will have bad days/weeks, and he will try to help or pull back, thinking it is him. Eventually, he will become frustrated and you will argue about something but it will not be about the real problem. The guilt of that will also wear on you. You can see the cycle building here can't you.Please, listen to FHL as usual she seems to be dead on target with her advice. If you and your H can get something out of reading comic strips together please do it. I suspect these tapes will offer some insights and ideas that you have not thought about. Once you start thinking about these ideas, you may decide they are not correct. "Why aren't the correct?" you will ask yourself. This will lead you into new insights, and learning continues. Counselors actually do the same thing. They cannot search your soul for the answer. They guide you in the thought and analysis part of the journey that only you and H can take. These films whether right, wrong, or indifferent, just may be what you need to start you on your journey. They may also allow your H, to be more comfortable with the idea of counseling since that is what the tapes are doing.You are doing well Hum_B. (I love that abbrev. some always liked the HumVee's [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

). Your posts show so much growth on your part and your H. He is surprising you a little isn't he? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I feel you are going to make a success of this marriage Hummingbird.Just have patience and confidence. God Bless You and Your HJL