Hi Everyone,<P>Just an update, me and my husband watched the first tape last night. It was an hour. We did laugh alot, my husband came right out and made his comments where he admitted he "was just like that" and also in parts where he thought didn't fit at all.<P>I found the part about men having their "cave" to retreat to interesting. When they come home from work, they need to be alone for alittle while, don't want to talk and women should respect that. I related it to hunting with my husband and in the summer how he practices shooting his bow for 1/2 hr - 1hr everynight. He even made that comment, that he needs that to unwind. It helped me to understand. I was always hurt when I came home from work and he didn't want to spend time with me immediately.<P>Is this true men?

This may qualify for "too much information", but my H heads to his "home office" (bathroom) and then off to the bedroom for a nap. The dog even knows where to look for him.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Wonder why Gray doesn't stress that women like to talk to their husbands when the work day is over, and that men should respect THAT?<P>I've read Gray's claptrap and found his principles to be utterly sexist (not to mention hysterically funny).<P>And not to be elitist or anything, but I wouldn't put too much stock in what a man with "degrees" from Maharishi Yogi's "university" has to say.<P>

Hummingbird,<BR>It is true now more than any other time in my life. I guess it is because I am so uptight that I need to unwind so that I don't blow up on her. However, my W thinks much like a man. It is really hard. Then she will turn right around and do something that is much like a woman. I get confused most of the time by her behavior.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

How to be the Perfect John Gray Stepford Wife:<BR> <A HREF="http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/wife.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/women_rebuttal_from_uranus/wife.htm</A> <P>

You know, it is a fine line between being "sexist" and between acknowledging stereotypical gender differences.<P>Sometimes the feminist view has been to combat the idea of gender differences...and although I applaud the many women that worked so hard to equalize things for women, especially in the workplace, I think that denying differences does a disservice to our personal relationships.<P>Although everyone is a unique individual, understanding natural or even learned gender differences leads to better communication and less misinterpretation.<P>Take Hummingbird, maybe her H does have that cave thing going. So maybe he does just do what he does to unwind...which means it had nothing to do with Hum. Hum, not being aware of this "guy thing" interprets his behavior to mean he doesn't want to spend time with her...which then probily changes to he doesn't want to spend time with her because he doesn't care. <P>So now we have a hurt Hum and a clueless H. She may start to "act if" her interpretation is true. Her communications may become accusatory or otherwise inflamed. This makes clueless H defensive. He is also at a disadvantage because he doesn't understand Hum's need for emotional connection. So he may misinterpret her motivations. He feels defensive and pressured and he may not even be able to put his finger on why. So he acts on this by pulling away more. And there you have the downward spiral.<P>Now if each aware of general gender differences...they wouldn't personalize them as easily and perhaps work out a mutually agreeable solution.<P>Since I have just scanned his material, I am no way defending Dr. Gray. <P>But we have to remember just because we may not like something, that doesn't mean it has no merit or it is wise to ignore it.<P>If we can look at any information with an open mind with the goal of improving our personal relationships we will grow and learn from at least some of it.<P>Sadly it is usually useless to say how someone should or shouldn't behave and base our reactions accordingly. We may be "right" but it may not help us to achieve our goals...plus then we are tied to another persons behavior. If we empower ourselves by seeing any given situation for what it is and examine our own options of accepting it, changing the situation or changing ourselves, we will utimately be further ahead...and probibly influence more change in others than we would have if we just sat back with our unmet expectations.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Let me just tell everyone the way this whole thing started was that my husband saw the commercials on TV. I've seen them too but really didn't think my husband would want to watch with me. About two weeks ago, he approached me with a phone number on a tiny piece of paper. I said "what's this?" He said "it's that mens are from mars..., can you call and order the tapes, I saw the commercials and I thought maybe it could help us". I told my counselor what he said, she said that she actually had them and that I didn't need to buy them I could borrow them from her. <P>I would talk to my OM about my husband's hobby and how I would feel neglected when I came home, that he would spend an hour outside shooting his bow and arrow, etc. My OM would tell me how unbelievable he was, that he was taking me foregranted, that if he was married to me, I would be his hobby, I would be his way of unwinding for day, spending time with me would be his #1 priority. I would interpret my husbands actions as he feels that I am second in his life and didn't love me as much as my OM.<P>Even if I can take alittle good out of these tapes, I'll be happy I watched them. Every little thing helps.<P>

Your H took this action? That is fantastic!!!<P>You are absolutely doing the right thing watching them with him.<P>Anything you can do to encourage him to take some ownership of the problems and the solutions in your relationship is worthwhile.<P>I'm thinking that OM has his own cave and he is making no attempt to make his wife his hobby and I can guarantee you that after a while you wouldn't have been his hobby either. When he was feeding you this crap, did you ever ask him what he did after work? Did he go straight home? Then what?<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hummingbird,<P>Your OM was making you his hobby!! And if you went with him, someone else would have become his hobby. I have known many men (and I am a man) whose hobby was "collecting notches" on the old bed. At the risk of sounding sexist (it is about sex and how males view it), this is primarily a male hobby. Women have one of a similar vain, it used to be called "how many men can I string along." The idea was have many men circling around by give them "nothing" if you know what I mean. <P>Yes, men and women are different and anyone who tells you otherwise is not paying much attention. Whether Gray is right is not important, your H is seeking information about himself and you because he is trying to work on the marriage. That is very good. You both will learn alot from those tapes, just as you learn things on this site. We are not licened Psych. trained people. You take what seems right upon thinking about it. <P>You H has a very major problem. Since he doesn't know about the affair, his chances of being successful at helping you and being happy are really not good. <P>Here is why I say that. You will be carrying the guilt of the affair around with you for the rest of your life. As you are beginning to see, your H is not a bad guy and seems relatively normal. He loves you in his own way. He is probably somewhat clueless due to age and experience. You chose to have the affair. This awareness will wear on you, and you will have bad days/weeks, and he will try to help or pull back, thinking it is him. Eventually, he will become frustrated and you will argue about something but it will not be about the real problem. The guilt of that will also wear on you. You can see the cycle building here can't you.<P>Please, listen to FHL as usual she seems to be dead on target with her advice. If you and your H can get something out of reading comic strips together please do it. I suspect these tapes will offer some insights and ideas that you have not thought about. Once you start thinking about these ideas, you may decide they are not correct. "Why aren't the correct?" you will ask yourself. This will lead you into new insights, and learning continues. Counselors actually do the same thing. They cannot search your soul for the answer. They guide you in the thought and analysis part of the journey that only you and H can take. These films whether right, wrong, or indifferent, just may be what you need to start you on your journey. They may also allow your H, to be more comfortable with the idea of counseling since that is what the tapes are doing.<P>You are doing well Hum_B. (I love that abbrev. some always liked the HumVee's ). Your posts show so much growth on your part and your H. He is surprising you a little isn't he? I feel you are going to make a success of this marriage Hummingbird.<P>Just have patience and confidence. <P>God Bless You and Your H<P>JL<P>