Military Spouses ---- Support Group - Marriage Builders® Forums

Navy Wife,

I've been M for 6 months to a Navy man (active duty 18 yrs). I have tried to find websites for support to spouses of active duty military. I have found a couple but they seem to gloss over the problems in military M's and NONE of them addressed issues dealing with unfaithful spouses from either side.

I'm hoping to find that support here. To learn from the mistakes of others that have been there done that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

You know they say that the divorce rate in the military is extremley high. I don't want my M to become another statistic even though it is on its way fast in a hurry. Is there anyone out there willing to share their story? Is there a way to make your M come 1st in the miliatry? or is that a pipe dream <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . What are the chances of a M surviving after an A in the military?

Hi, WD. I am a Navy wife, too. But in the Canadian military. So my sitch isn't quite the same.

Faithinme, Noodle and DObie are all miitary wives. A good place to start is to read Faithinme's story.

Have your read thorugh the site.

Have you exposed the affair?

Have you read Surviving the Affair? His Needs Her Needs. Love Busters?

I am sure that more experienced posters will come along soon and talk to you.

You are in the right place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> There is a lot of fantastic advice on this site.

I am also a military wife, twice over believe it or not.

There's a lot of us here...husbands too, unfortunately.

FAA:
thanks for your responce. My story is posted in Divorced/Divorcing but I will post my story here as well. Today I read your story, and I felt so bad for you. But I think that you are doing very well despite the circumstances.

Where can I find Faith's story? As far Dobie I have come across several of her post and she has offered great advice...still don't know much about her situation though.

As for reading ... Surviving the Affair? His Needs Her Needs. Love Busters? ... I have read bits and pieces of them all. I have particularly focused in on The Policy of Radical Honesty.

I am a Navy wife....
Yep, add me to the statistics...
I was proud to be a military wife at one point...now I am just here.

Sorry to see you on MB, but you have found the best place you can be right now.

Danielle

White_Dove,

I am a navy wife. Like someone posted here, I once was proud of the military but now I just can't stand ANY aspect of the military. My H got stripped of his FIRST class rank and pushed back to SECOND CLASS. This month he was going to make Chief. There is a OC that was born 6 weeks ago and I am pregnant myself expecting MY first child,my H's 3rd. Its almost been a year and we have survived but it has been VERY HARD on me emotionally. I get angry because of the money cut we took and now dealing with OC. I adore the OC that I've only met a few times but OW is or was in my H's crew. He was her supervisor. I had to see her the other week when she dropped of my H's FIRST SON. I am having a boy so it hurt even more when I knew she was having a boy and so was I.
Its a lot of work. I know that everyone looked up at him at work because of his many accomplishments and now people look at him as still being a wonderful AC but there is something missing. I love my H more then anything but everyday it hurts. I've gotten over the tears but I just feel lost sometimes. I try to be strong dealing with OC but I think, I did NOTHING to deserve this and why do I have to go through it, especially pregnant. OW has stripped me of that joy in regards to knowing that when I have my little one, my 6 weeks of maternity leave won't just be my little one and I but my little one, OC and I.
I'm sorry you found this site but it is wonderful.

We started dating Jan 04 and got married 7 mos later. He is in the navy stationed in CA. After wedding I relocated with my 2 children (from previous relationships) to CA. After having had a long-distance relationship we were now living together and that's when I found out about the affair while he was in training on the east coast from oct - dec 04.

There were several signs of an affair the week before he left. Such as, not being as affectionate, not spending any time together before he left for 2 months, he paid 2 months ahead on a storage that he had in which I didn't have access to.

My H who always gave me flowers and gifts for no reason didn't get anything for my b-day which was in Oct. His first week away we barely talked. We even had sex less that week then we did the entire time that we had been married and even on a couple of occasions he refused me. Well that when the snooping began for me.

I got access to his cell phone bill online, I discovered 10/20/04 there was a call to a number in the CA area around 11:30pm his time that lasted for 58 minutes.

I put 2&2 together and found out that although her home phone number popped up once her cell phone number popped up 14x's. I called the OW she denied knowing my husband and he of course denied it too.

But looking closer at the bills the cell phone number popped up the first time 8/6/04 (one week before we got married) and then again 10/06/04 (one week before he left) and between 10/06/04 and 10/25/04 (the day after I confronted him) the number was on there 14 times, 11 calls were made before he left CA. The new bill came out on 11/25/04 Thanksgiving Day.

I got her address and paid the OW a visit. I could tell by the look in her eye and the way that she said my name that she was lying and that she knew exactly who I was. I also called my H while she was standing in front of me and put her on the phone so that it would be no doubt that I knew what was going on and wasnâ€™t going to stop until I got a confession.

Needless to say, he rode it out as long as he could then he started confessioning small parts of the truth in November. He would only tell enough to satisfy me and make the problem go away. He admitted having a sexual relationship with her ONLY previous to our marriage. Of course I don't believe that and this is why; If it was over when we got married then her number would have never have shown up on his cell phone bill after we got married.

Now there are several things that to note about our situation:

1) Before my H and I got married, probably back in March 04 we began working on a Christian marriage counseling workbook. We felt that this would be a great way of getting to know each other even if it the end result was not marriage. It was a great book that covered everything! The 1st chapter was communication; Iâ€™m uncertain about the order but then came religion, sex, family and children, roles of husband and wife, family relationships and historyâ€¦etc. After each chapter was a contract that we agreed to and signed of things that we would also honor and commit to do in our marriage.

2) We have and continue to have a great sex life.

My husband decieved me, I feel like he tricked me into marriage. He knew that if I knew the truth about him I would not have married him in a million years.

There was absolutely no reason for my husband to cheat on me before we were married or after. Heck, we hadn't even been together long enough to have any serious problems in our marriage. This should be our best years...what do I have to look forward to? A cheating and lieing husband. And because he is in the Navy for the next 2 1/2 yrs he has plenty of excuses and opportunity. I have never been with a man that has been faithful to me.

I want a divorce so bad. I'm stuck, my religion tells me that divorce is not permitted unless there is adultry. But I don't have the proof, yet. I feel like a sitting duck. I won't be able to live with myself if I walk away and don't know for certain.

And oh yeah...we have a baby on the way due Aug 05' yeppie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

[ March 13, 2005, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]

White dove,

I'm assuming you are Christian? If so, I am too. I would feel that in your situation, you would not be held accountable for a divorce. Your H commited adultry emotionally. It doesn't have to be physical. I remember my pastor talking about that once. It doesn't matter. Even if you have "unholy" thoughts about someone else, you have cheated or commited adultry. I'm not really big into that lately because I feel let down from childhood with religion.
We moved from California (San Diego) July 03 to NAS Brunswick, Maine. OH GOODY! So not only was I ALL THE WAY OVER IN ****VILLE, I had NO FAMILY and my H knew that. But he still chose to sleep with this woman who I let STAY IN MY HOME WHEN HER FIANCEE became violent. They say that both at 50% accountable for the A but I blame the OW a little more because SHE KNEW he was married. Yes, he knew too but SHE should have known better and knew she could get pregnant. My H should have used protection, yes but she lied and said she was on BC and couldn't get pregnant. *sigh* Oh goodness, after 10 months, I still get worked up and want to beat her face in.
Are you not happy about your little one coming? I'm so excited about our little one coming I can't stand it. I love children but you might be feeling a little different. How is your marriage now? Is your H happy about the little one?

Hurt:

I'm also so sorry about your situation and yes I am a Christian too. Whew girl, I was thinking about your situation last night at home and it nearly brings me to tears. I don't know how you are doing it, but whatever you are doing keep it up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> How long has H been Navy?

Me: As for my feelings about the pregnancy...I already have 2 children and I really didn't want anymore, however my H doesn't have any and from the moment we started dating he was very clear that he wanted children very badly. Because of our ages he wanted to start right away and have as many as we physically could <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

Well, then I was motivated, but after all of this anyone can see why I have lost my motivation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .
Needless to say my H is beyond thrilled, its his first child.

ALL:
In January, My H switched commands to a aircraft carrier. Can someone tell me about the level at which they have access to communicate with their families. Such as phones, computers, etc. My H is a CPO in the air division if this helps.

On a carrier, he'll have the ability to email all the time, plus he can make emergency phone calls if he needs to. And of course postal mail. He may even be able to swing DSN calls, but I'm not as certain about that.

Dobie

DOBIE:
Thanks for the info!

I'm really concerned b/c H is always saying "don't expect this...don't expect that" He also says that computers are not readily available and that when he does get on his time is limited. Not sure whether he's telling the truth or setting me up to make another A easier.

For example in Jan he was UW for 10 days said that he couldn't call, but if there was a way to then he would. Well come to find out that there are sailor phones that he could use a calling card and call from, but he didn't. I'm so tired; this little fire wasn't worth the energy to put out so I let it go.

I just don't know about this military life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .

Yeah, a lot of those guys will try to blow smoke up our behinds because they don't think we'll learn the truth. My H tried that on me. I guess he forgot that I'd been active duty and half of my friends are in the Navy. Theoretically, if he has no phone or email access, he can write a letter any day of the week. A short note would only take a few minutes of his time. Even then, some of them will tell you that the shop was out of stamps.

Sometimes I swear that the military guys have a super-secret handbook that they learn all of their adultery lines from. I have a few friends who are military BS's and we've all heard the same stuff. "I'm way too busy to have an affair, we didn't have access to phones or the computer, everyone at work thinks that you're awesome because I talk about you all the time, blah blah blah."

I love my sailor, but we have a couple years of shore duty and then retirement. I honestly don't think our marriage would survive another deployment.

Dobie

DOBIE:

Wow, I know what you mean. My husband was suppose to get out in 2 1/2 years, as of Friday he made officer so I'm not sure, if he accepts, how much longer he will be in. It really sucks.

Me:
You know affairs can happen to any marriage regardless of occupation, but being in the military makes it SSOOOOOOO easy for a cheating spouse to cheat. I wonder, does ANYONE know of a miliatry marriage that hasn't undergone infedility of some sort? Is there such a thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

On there otherhand, What are the GOOD things about being a military spouse?

Question:

When a sailor has duty and they are stationed on a ship. Are they required to be on that ship 24 hours even though they may only have a watch that is 4 hours long?

Answer:

Yes, they must remain on the ship for a full 24 hours.

thanks Dani!!

No problem, feel free to ask anything.
WH has been stationed on a ship for a few years now, been through a deployment, the whole 9 yards <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Danielle

Don't blame the sailors. I'm in the Navy, and my Navy wife cheated on me.

Oh, it is NOT just the sailors. Spouses do it too....
For me it just happened to be the sailor.

Danielle

Yep, I've seen that way too many times as well. What I haven't seen is the "buddy system" among spouses that I've seen among the active duty. Maybe I'm naive, but the military wives I know don't get together and plan to go out to find As. In the military, I heard the saying, "What happens on deployment stays on deployment" "TDY means Temporarily Divorce for a Year" and so many other similar things that showed outright approval for the affair lifestyle.

Betrayed Man:

I think what you meant to say is that all Navy men don't cheat and all Navy wives aren't faithful and I don't think that anyone here will disagree with you on that point.

Case in point: my Navy WH cheated with the OW who was a Navy wife, while her H was on deployment. So there you have both situations in the same situation so to speak <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

Since you are a Navy man I'm curious to know what really goes on, while on an over seas deployment. My imagination has run wild thinking of all the possiblities. Especially in my H case where he is on an aircraft carrier, with several thousand people 35-40% being women. Would you like to offer some in sight into this one for me?

[ March 03, 2005, 05:28 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]

WD777,

First off, the person is to blame for the A, not the service. Admittedly, the Navy does create an enviroment for As with the deployments, close working conditions and the attitudes (OF SOME! NOT ALL!) about what happens on deployment, stays on deployment.

What happens overseas? Let me say, I have always tried to socalize off the ship with other married guys with similar values or with single guys that are not just looking to get laid. That is a big part of it, a guy's friends are a good indication of what kind of behavior he will engage in. I have seen guys get hookers, go to strip joints and hook up with other sailors. With the limited "pool" of members of the opposite sex, coupled with the limited port visits for ships today, I think just adds to the problem.

As far as being on a carrier, or any other ship, there will be oppurtunities for As. I am an officer, and therefore my actions are more closely scrunitized and easily observed by senior officers. Amongst the officer community, there is less tolerance for philandering, but many still turn a blind eye.

Bottom line, carrier, detroyer, frigate or shore duty, if someone is actively seeking an affair, they will have one.

Dobie:

You are definitely right about that one.

Betrayed Man:

Thanks for you input.

WD, Have you exposed the affair to the OW's husband? I asked this because one of the problems with military on military affairs is that exposure comes back and ends up hurting the BS, by hurting their spouses career. But I am sure her husband would like to know what kind of wife he has waiting at home while he is serving his country.

Flynn:

Yes I did expose A to OW H and he was glad that I told him. I asked him if there was anything illegal about the A and he said no because she is a civilian...and beside neither of them are currently at that same command or work location.

I don't have any desire to "avenge" either of them for what they have done to me, I believe that they will both get their just reward for their indiscretions and I won't have to lift a finger to help.

Therefore, even if the circumstances warranted me getting my H in trouble via his career I have no desire to b/c this indirectly hurts me and my children financially as well. And I have already been hurt enough by this mess.

Sorry, not to offend those who have chosen to reveal A to WS's command. This is the path that I choose and what worked for me.

WD777

Sorry you are going through this. I'm in the military and my W had two EA's, both with service men. My solution is to retire and not take any more rank so that I can get out at 20. I feel the military has put my family through to much and that is part of what led my wife down the wrong path. I know I'm gone alot but I would never have thought a good friend in our church would develop a EA with my wife. Don't miss understand I feel she is just as wrong but I still have a hard time understanding it from fellow christians. Your H only has a short time left in the navy so I hope you two can hang on. Praying for your marraige.

RHM

RHM,

I'm with you on that. We're on our final years before retirement and it's all shore duty. Our marriage couldn't have survived another deployment.

Dobie

[ March 14, 2005, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]

I have been reading the postings for military spouse support group and find myself in the same situation as most of you. I can relate to the problems you are all talking about. I think that our situation is different from other married couples due to the time our spouses are not home with us. I also find that this separation creates a whole new set of specific situations for us to deal with. Marriage is hard enough, but military lifestyle doesn't help either.

So if no one minds I think I will hang out here! I feel like this group might be able to help me as well. I am new so bear with me.

Lisa,

Welcome! I saw on another post that you're the WS. Former WS or current? How are you doing? Anything we can help you with?

Dobie

Yes, I am the WS and found this site last Friday. I have thought about showing it to my h, but that would make me accoutable! Not sure I am ready for that either. I need help in so many ways I don't know where to begin. I guess my h and I truly do not communicate very well, or should I say I spout and he stuffs. Our history plays a big part in our relationship too. Our families, prior relationships, personalities, and mental health don't help either. Too many things hiding in the closet and will not expose them for fear of making waves. Needless to say, the ostrich with the head stuck in the sand. Since I am the one with the A's, nothing much has changed, though he thinks they have. We are in MC and IC. I don't think it is helping all that much either. We have been seeing someone for almost a year now. Nothing has changed regarding communication, which is were my emotional needs are not being met. Don't know what I can do if anything? I am crying out for help, but it doesn't change his responses.

Hello Lisa V.

Welcome to MB...i'm new here as well. Even though everyone's situations are uniquely different, hopefully you will find many solutions to make a positive change in your M.

White Dove,

How are you doing? I have been wondering about you since I hadn't heard from you via e-mail. I hope everything is going okay for you.

Froz

Froz:

LOL I was waiting to hear back from YOU via email. I never got a responce from you after my email about that weekend.

Oh did I tell you that I threw my wedding rings at him and after we "made up" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> up; he made me put them back on, the next day the center diamond was GONE! I wonder how many times has that happened to BS's LOL. Email when you get a chance so we can catch up, its safe <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Right now I'm in very good spirits and today is a good day.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Right now I'm in very good spirits and today is a good day.<hr /></blockquote>I'm so glad. I will e-mail you straightaway.

RHM and Dobie:

Although my H is eligible for retirement, he recently made WO so he won't be getting out soon.

We are "newlyweds" so this May will be my 1st deployment. My H is not willing to give up his Navy career to save his M or family. It's all about him.

Wd777

Sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for you.

Lisa,

How have things been for you this week? Have you been reading the material in MB? If so, has been helpful? You also mentioned that u r the WS, have you never suspected ur H of cheating also?are either of u in the military?

WD777
Thanks for responding. I was beginning to think that no one was going to follow along. Yes, my husband is in the navy for 24 years now. We are doing okay. Saw the counselor yesterday and she wants me to accept things the way they are that my husband is not capable of opening up to anyone or I change my thinking and take one day at a time. Knowing that he loves me but can't open up to communicate what could be painful or good for our marriage. I am his best friend. He has no one else to talk too. He has no real male friends either. He is not having an A because of his religous beliefs, firm Catholic. He would rather be alone and not married if it were not for me coming into his life. Again thanks for responding.

WD777
Yes I have read the MB information. Was thinking about getting a book to read as well. I can tell you to go to AD Hit The Nail On The Head for more information. I wrote him today. Thanks again.

LISA:

Wow, not communicating, that's a real tough one. I believe that this area of M determines the quality of M. What steps have you taken to try to get ur H to communicate more effectively with you? Does ur H know how painful this is to you? Do u think this is one of the reasons why u had the A's?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I can tell you to go to AD Hit The Nail On The Head for more information <hr /></blockquote>Not sure what you are talking about, explain a little further please.

[ March 11, 2005, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]

WD777
I am posting in several different topics, which probably is not a good thing. I had a posting to AD Hit The Nail On The Head topic. You can read it for more information. I am also posted on Silent Partner and Lisa V you are new what is your story from RHM. We are in MC and IC for me. My husband has never been seen alone by a counselor. I am his second wife. He came from a emotionally disfunctional family. Mother raised 4 kids by herself and was emotionally detattched. He has been this way for as long as I have been with him. I have tried to provide a safe environment, but also suffered from an emotionally closed off family. I love to communicate with anyone. I crave for this type of relationship and yes I feel the same way about the situation. It is the heart of my relationship with him. We have seen counselor after counselor and nothing really changes. Counselor this time said this is the way he is and not to expect much more. " This is as good as it gets" is what she said to me. He is doing all he can at this time. Which I am not sure I buy. I know this is affecting me and leads to me looking else where for communication and love. The emotional support is not there for me either. Being military doesn't help either. I am independent and have learned to be submissive and let him lead. He leads but doesn't start conversations about our marriage or A's. I went out of town and he didn't even ask about the possibility of an A. He ignores it like it will go away. I have not left him nor do I plan too. We have three children who need us. I sure feel emotionally empty from time to time too. I could go on and on but will stop now. This is an ugly mess and more details than I can do in one sitting. Just to suffice it to say my life is a mess.

Lisa if posting helps you to see through your situation more clearly then by all means post away, which is a good thing; as long as you can find them all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

It sounds like this is very painful for you. It's almost as if the A's occured out of a desparate attempt to draw some kind of responce, out of your H...in addition to just plain ole seeking for ur EN to be filled particularly in the area of communication. I could be wrong, feel free to correct me.

How old are ur children? and how long have you been M?

Blackrio actually posted this first...thought it should go here as well.

Click here to view actually news story: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/03/11/eveningnews/main679735.shtml

The printable version from CBSNews.com

Sex Scandal At Guantanamo
March 11, 2005

As if the situation at Guantanamo isn't messy enough, there is now a sex scandal involving senior military officers who were running the prison, reports CBS National Security Correspondent David Martin.

The colonel in charge of prison operations, a Lt. colonel who commanded the military police guarding the prisoners, and another lieutenant colonel who commanded the soldiers responsible for base security have all been relieved of duty. They are accused of committing adultery with a female Navy Lt. and a number of female civilian contractors.

An Army general who was the deputy commander of the task force which runs Guantanamo is also under investigation for adultery, which is a violation of military law, Martin reports. That case has been turned over to the Army's inspector general at the Pentagon since it involves such a high ranking officer.

The investigation began after a soldier -- who himself had been disciplined for adultery -- blew the whistle on the officers. Once the investigation began, it turned up e-mails in which the officers were exchanging information about the women they were having sex with.

Although the conduct involves private behavior off duty, Martin notes, it involves four of the most senior officers at the camp. And it raises questions about the quality and discipline of the officers running the prison there.

Some 550 prisoners are being held at Guantanamo Bay, many for more than three years without charge or access to attorneys. The detentions have prompted concerns about the legality of holding terror suspects there without bringing charges. There have also been allegations of abuse at the camp.

In February, U.S. military appointed a three-star general to lead an investigation into abuse allegations at Guantanamo Bay.

Air Force Lt. Gen. Randall M. Schmidt took over command of the camp, according to the U.S. Southern Command in Miami, which oversees the camp in eastern Cuba.

Schmidt will question Maj. Gen. Geoffrey D. Miller, a two-star general who commanded the camp during many of the incidents detailed in recently released FBI memos that complain of "aggressive" interrogation techniques. Miller was in Guantanamo from October 2002 to March 2004 and was sent there to get more information from terror suspects.

The military maintains that most incidents detailed in the FBI memos occurred in 2002 when the prison was just opening, and that some of the interrogation techniques labeled as "aggressive" are no longer in use.

Documents published in December show FBI agents warned the government about abuse and mistreatment shortly after the first prisoners arrived in early 2002, more than a year before a scandal at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison. One letter, written by a senior Justice Department official suggested the Pentagon failed to act on the FBI complaints.

The American Civil Liberties Union released similar e-mails obtained under the Freedom of Information Act in which FBI agents accused interrogators of inserting lit cigarettes in prisoners' ears and shackling them for hours, forcing them to soil themselves.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />The investigation began after a soldier -- who himself had been disciplined for adultery -- blew the whistle on the officers <hr /></blockquote>

What a twist of justice...these officers were probably the same ones that disciplined him and were involved in A's themselves!!! And he said if I go down then I'm taking all of you with me!

What are us military spouses to do????

[ March 14, 2005, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Lisa V. ]

WD777
Thanks for the input on my situation. Yes, the first time was out of desperation and did want to wake up the dead so to speak. I have been unhappy in my marriage for a good 11 years now. We have been married for 15 years. We have three children. DD 15, DS 12, DD 9. We got married in 1989. First child born 1990, 2nd 1992, and 3rd 1995. Moved in 1992, 93, 94, 95.

Question:

Does anyone know within the Navy, if there is a protocol for discipling sailors who have A's with civilians?

What if a sailor is stationed on an aircraft carrier on deployment, where there are Air Force and Marines in addition to Navy personnel, and he/she has a sexual relationship while deployed w/ a member of another military branch are they subj to discipline?

What are the rules concerning A's and sexual relationships with in the Navy? Where can I find this information?

More later, but this will start you: Article 134

Dobie

white dove,

OK, back here. I've often seen cases of adultery handled more harshly in that sort of situation, because a lot of commanders don't like their ships being used in such a manner. Plus they have more potential for causing problems within the ranks. But it depends so much on the command's attitude.

Dobie