hello all... i have just found out on 1/6/06 that my wife of 6yrs has been having an affair with my 19yo brother along with texts and pics of them...i had been suspicious since sept and every month i was told that i was paranoid and that they were just friends and that i was destroying our marriage with these suspicions so i backed off until 1/6/06 i found pics on her phone of them naked so i confronted her on them and then she confessed to the affair but i was so mad that i destroyed our bed cause some were in that. i then was arrested for assault and forcing myself on her.. then went to the hosp for psych help.... i am seeing IC/MC i am working on this NC its hard. i want to work this out with her but any time we are together we fight and the say that she is done and that im just not the one she wants right now.. help i want this marriage to work we have 2 children and i cant do this to them... any help will be greatly welcomed... i want her to stop talking to him but she keeps emailing that is what he told my mom.. as for the calling i dont know... but it seems to me that she is ths agressor and she doesnt see what she is doing is wrong..

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Sorry you had to come here, but it is a good place to be.

The starting point is Plan A. You can read all about it here, but it is basically showing her what a good husband you can be. It also includes exposing the affair. It sounds like you have done some of that.

Your wife might be trying to get some of her emotional needs met through your brother.

It is important that YOU start meeting those needs.

How was the marriage before all of this happened?

jolivar1,

You have already written some good background on the SI site. Can you post those links here?

it was a little on the rocks we wernt communicating as much and when we did we were arguing and she always thought that all i wanted from her was sex and when i didnt get it i was angry at her... but i wasnt... ill admit i wasnt communicating and neglecting her needs... i wanted to be there but i was busy with trying to provide for our family.. this had been going on for about 2mos before... she was off of her meds and feeling down.. but we were exercising and she was training for a triathlon so i thought all was well not to mention i really didnt want to get help... was i wrong for that was that a thing that drew her into his arms???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

No, that is what she is saying to convince herself and you to justify her A. R U gonna let her convince you of this babble?

L.

hello all... i have just found out on 1/6/06 that my wife of 6yrs has been having an affair with my 19yo brother along with texts and pics of them...i had been suspicious since sept and every month i was told that i was paranoid and that they were just friends and that i was destroying our marriage with these suspicions so i backed off until 1/6/06 i found pics on her phone of them naked so i confronted her on them and then she confessed to the affair but i was so mad that i destroyed our bed cause some were in that. i then was arrested for assault and forcing myself on her.. then went to the hosp for psych help.... i am seeing IC/MC i am working on this NC its hard. i want to work this out with her but any time we are together we fight and the say that she is done and that im just not the one she wants right now.. help i want this marriage to work we have 2 children and i cant do this to them... im optimistic that this will make our marriage stronger... any tips out there...
[This message edited by jolivar1 at 4:30 PM, January 31st (Tuesday)]

Did u just repost your 1st thread and change the ending? I asked you a question in my last post and you didn't respond. What type of advice r u looking for?

L.

im sorry i guess i did... i guess i also have let her convince me of this... whe came over crying that wkend saying that we have have had a problem and that she wanted to workd this out but when we argued she would just think of all the fun she had with him... im trying to get advice as to how to approach this... i am living with my parents and my brother lives ther too. i am doing this NC thing for both legal and emotional reasons but it doesnt seem to work she still emails him and when asked by her friends how she is doing she says that she is fine... i feel as if she has already moved on... i am angry and i want her to realize what she is doing is wrong and hurting me but she always says i know.... i ask her if she loves me and she say i do you are my true love and soulmate but i just dont love you in that way right now... and that hurts... im just confused angry and i want all this to end and us to be happy again. but i hate to wait... i havent talked to both of them for a week and it is killing me to see her pic on myspace and when she is online i wonder what she is doing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />hellllpppp

Okay, Plan A is the starting point. So read up on that.

So you and your brother live with your parents. Is that right? What does your brother say about all of this?

he says "i dont know i just want all of this to go away... and i ask him not without talking about it ... and he says yes it will ... she keeps on contacting... him i just saw and ATM WD where they stay and she has no friends in that area.. so it is evident that she doesnt care if i know anymore... i tell him to avoid her and he says that it is hard.. he just doesnt want to talk to me he just wants to talk to her.... i want him to stop and it makes me very angry... im here in fla for a wk but i go back on mon to start work and to face the situation(brother)... i want to ignore him but most of me just wants to badger him into realizing that he needs to leave her alone no matter how much she persues or vice versa... she seems like she is in fantasy of a love that we once had... i mean he looks and acts just as i did when i was that young.. she dresses him like me and some to the things they do were when we were young... i am reading up on plan A and hopefully it works... i am just so confused at this point i dont know whether to cry or just do nothing .... [color:"white"] [/color]

Well, you don't want to do nothing. Start with Plan A. You need to be meeting your wife's needs. Watch the money, too, as most cheaters will spend it on things other than their family.

Your brother has got to know he is doing the wrong thing. He needs to go completely no contact with her. I would continue talking to him about it.

i had been drilling that to him for two wks and he still continues with the emails... he says its hard... i guess so you have this beautiful 28 yo married women throwing herself to you and you cant say no cause your thinking with the wrong head you dumb%&%... but shortly after i say that he calls her and she says to stop badgering him... i was reading about plan A.. i asked her to stop and she sayed that she wasnt going to promise anything cause she started to love him and that it would be hard to stop any and all contact with him... so what do i do there.... ive been out of the house for close to a month now what with this no contact order RT my legal issues.. but after that is lifted i want to move back into my house would that be a good idea?? ive told her that i love her, want to work this out and that im here for her adnauseum. and she say i know but she just doesnt feel that way and say that it hurts and that is why she never wants to express how she is feeling... how can i get her to talk to me?? i have so many more questions but i have to run errands i will check in later... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Her feelings for you won't come back until she has no contact with your brother. So work on that. Is your family trying to help by talking to your brother?

no they just say until they get off of their highhorse there is nothing we can say... along with i can talk till im blue and he wont listen to me so they just leave it alone... so i get angry and it splits my mom... bless her heart... but he says that they are only emailing now and that isnt that bad... i tell her all contact shouild be off... but she doesnt understand... i was told that when her wallet gets hit and she financially cant afford this affair that it will clear her make her analyze what she has and what she wants is that true???? i dont know im reaching at straws... im working on myself by exercising and i will be going back to work nxt wk and that will get some of these things off my mind... my brother says that they love eachother and that is really hard to break contact this quickly... i still feel that he is thinking with the wrong head... i guess your right maybe i should just cut my losses and just be there for my children.... but i love this women and i would like to R.... i guess im wondering how long will it take before i see something happen.... im getting impatient... i want to be with this women in all means of the statement... i wish i had answers but i dont and i feel that is what scares me more... my comfort zone is no more and i have to find it.. sorry if im rambling but im just so confused...

I wish that your mom would realize that any kind of contact is helping to destroy your marriage.

Gosh, what a mess. It is really hard when the affair is in the family.

I think you should try to cut off her money as much as you can.

I'm confused. You live with your brother and your parents. Where does your wife live?

my wife and i live in our own house but i have a NC order legally so i cant go to my house... i was living with my parents... cause i dont have all the disposable income to just move out and live on my own... i am the only provider she is a student, she lives in our house and watches our two kids... all the while wanting to live her own life by going out and seeing him at which he doesnt work or pay for anything... i stupidly was not watching my bank stmts and when i finally did i noticed that i had beed paying for this affair the whole time... from food,clothes and other things... stupid me... but not anymore i will only pay for the mortgage and the electric all the rest is her responability... all the other i will be cancelling.. i dont want to make her love me by doing that i just want her to realize that im not paying for them to do this... not to mention she is taking away from our family when she does this.... i spoke with her today and i only spoke to her about the kids and finances and i could tell that she was getting a bit angry to to end of the conversation but i told her that i was not going to argue with her and that i was letting her go... that didnt seem to make her happy... but then again im starting to get sick of all these @#@#$%%# mind games...any sugestions to keep this NC thing... i want to move back in soon and how do you keep NC... can we still talk about other things or do you still keep it to just the kids and finances???? well im going to go and finish watching the rest of the game thank you all for the advice.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Plan A is not no contact between you and her. There needs to be no contact between your brother and her.

Watch the money. There is nothing wrong with keeping your money for your kids, and not paying for or enabling the affair. She will be angry, but will get over it.

I think you are confused, too. Have you read Surviving an Affair?

NC here means No Contact between WS and OP - not you and her. The only time you would want to have no contact between you and her would be in Plan B. However, you don't go to Plan B until you have done the best possible Plan A.

Do you mean she has a restraining order against you since you were charged with assault? That is entirely different.

If she has no retraining order and you want this marriage to work, I suggest you move home to your house. It is much harder to save a marriage if you are not in the same house.

Please read the site for information on Plan A.

Plan A also includes exposure to help kill the affair.

so once the NC is over i should move in??? what if she doesnt want me too, cause she sounds like that is what she wants... she still has contact with him through emai what do i do about that... i want to control the finance but she say that is my way of trying to control her... and im not really i just want this A to stop and i want all of this to go away i know it sounds childish but i am not used to feeling like this... i feel so out of sorts.. i asked her if she had gone to see the SW and she said dont worry i will take care of my self and we will talk when i get back... im in Fla to get my head together.. suggested and funded by her mom... of which she is not in favor of this affair along with her father but she says that she is an adult and that she doesnt care... hellppp i really need a miracle... or maybe i dont i just need answers...

I still don't understand - is NC a restraining order?

Her parents paid for you to go to FL but they are not in favor of the affair?

no this is just a NC by the courts not a restraining order... this is related to assault charges.. it wierd how the laws work here..that is about to change... as for the getting away her mom payed for me to come down here... her mom and i are good friends... and yes her mom and dad do not condone this affair... i hope this clears the air..

How hard would it be for you to relocate?

The reasons I suggest this are the following:

You have to get your brother out of your life. He is not willing to break the affair and your parents do not want “to take sides”. (BTW at the same time failing miserably as parents whose obligation is, amongst other, to raise their children in a moral way). If your parents will not help and your brother keeps contact then you will have to distance yourself from them.

Your MIL seems supportive. Would moving to Fl be an option?

At the least tell your parents that in an unchanged environment you will have to move your family away from the threat. That includes the grandchildren.

How do you talk to your brother about this? Do you do it alone? Are you confrontational? If you have a priest then consider asking him to sit as an intermediary in a meeting between you. There point out how wrong this is to your brother. Ask him how he expects your children to grow up in this environment, how he expects WW to support the children in case of divorce. How their interaction will be with their grandparents and uncle. Consider doing he same with your wife.

help... i went online and noticed that she had added pics to her myspace site... and i noticed that she had erased the pictures of me and replaced them with her and the kids but she kept the one pic of her and my brother... i am confusd what am i to think of that... part of me doesnt care but most of me does that seems like a slap in the face of saying i dont want you in my life... hellp i so mad and confused... i dont know what to do i tried to call her cell and ask so i know the phone# showed and she knew that it was me but... i sent her an email and asked what happened to my pics.. but know response should i just show her that this doesnt bother me or is the cat already out of the bag??? helppp

help wife wrote " i love who we used to be and i miss the love we once had, but so many things have happened between us on both of our parts the have changed that an i honestly don knowi i want to change into the person that you want me to be t make this work and im not sure its the best thing for everyone... i told her i only want what she can give me and we work on it... she then say i think you want me to fall in love with you again but it is hard to do that cause i see you so differently now and i dont think ther is anything there with us anymore and i think that we have become two seperate people... what the ****** am i supposed to think of all of that... has she already decided or is she still if lala land... please help me i dont know what to think or to do.....

jolivar1,

Hello man! I remember those panic feelings from way back when ...

Right now, you've got to get a grip on yourself. That's your #1 task. Unless you can take charge of yourself - make clear decisions with a calm, focussed miend and follow through on the plan, you are pretty likely to lose this.

You are not in a sprint here. This will not be fixed tomorrow, nor next week, nor next month nor probably even this 2006 year. This is a marathon. Get your mind in marathon mode. Pace yourself. Discipline yourself. Don't panic if you seem to be running last. Take your time.

There are several levers that you might pry on, but just prying on the levers blindly is very unlikely to work. Just go to the bookstore and buy "Surviving An Affair", by Harley. If the first bookstore doesn't have it, drive to another. Also get "Love Must Be Tough". Read them all the way through. Think. Take some walks along the beach. There is no rush. Nothing you can do in a hurry will fix this in a hurry. Nobody here can tell you the quick and easy solution. You need to understand, and plan, and gather your strength to stick to the plan to it's conclusion. You may win. You may lose, but your best chance requires that you first get a grip on yourself.

I think your financial pullback is a good thing to do. I think holding off on relationship talk is also a good move. But these have to be part of an integrated plan. Get some winners here (like Mortar Man, Bob Pure) and listen to them.

Don't beg or chase her.

Never forget that, to your children, you are the pure definition of what a Father is. Stand up every day and live as a man your children can use as an example. Don't forget that they need to see you as a rock in the storm.

-AD

jolivar1,

I basically agree with what AD is saying but I don't like the analogy. I prefer to think of it more like the Tour de France. I am not a big bike race fan but my options are limited here. Anyway, I think of this process like the Tour. Yes you are in it for the long haul and it will take a lot of time but you will find that sometimes you are in a speed trial. So the pace is not constant. I mention this because I tend to agree with AD in that you need to get yourself together and do that part fairly quickly. Establish a plan. During the course of that plan, you are likely to run across various crises. When you do, this web site is a great place to come for great advice. Don't let the crisis derail your plan. Work through it. In the Tour, the speed trials have a large say in who wins so how you come through those crises, IMO, will have a significant impact on the result.

One other thing about the Tour, just because you appear to not be in first place does not mean you are not winning. It is a very complex race to understand.

Okay, that is enough for my analogy.

Everyone here has been where you are now. The following is my verbal thrashing written with the sole intent to shake you to your senses. I hope you take it that way.

You must find a way to manage your feelings not based on your WW’s actions and words. She is in a fog and doesn’t care. You can rely on nothing your WW says or does now. If your goal is to R, you will have to carry the ladder, work the saw and hammer the nails to rebuild your house of marriage.

I recommend that you talk to your parents and help them understand that a big part of being parents is to set the moral tone for their kids’ conduct. Appeal to their sense of fairness concerning family. Help them to see that their tacit complicity will hurt their own grandchildren.

Women like to see their husbands as strong. You need to step up to the plate and be strong for her, for yourself, for your marriage and for your kids. She will not respect you until you do so. If there is any chance that she will love you again, you must do this first.

thanks to all i am truely trying to do all of these things but at this point in the game i get derailed by her beauty and charm and let go of what im feeling and do what i need to for her.. i have started to go back to work and she isnt to happy with that cause i work this wkend so she has no one to watch the kids... she said to me i see where your priorities are and to have fun... my parents say that she looks real fatigued. so basically i can look for a long uphill climb... so what do i do about living with my parents my brother also lives there he was trying to make small talk yesterday and i just ignored. him.. as for the emails she cut and cropped them for him to add to his myspace site.. but i didnt let him know that it bothered. me... although it does.. is that pathetic... what part of no contact do they not understand...

In my opinion, some WW's believe that no sex means no contact. They try to differentiate between EA and PA. Your WW will need to understand that there is no difference and then decide for NC. Since the OM is your brother, NC will be very difficult. I like Bigger's suggestion of moving.

There are plenty of beautiful women out there. If you believe your WW is so pretty, that is one indication you are still in love. Good sign. When you fall out of love, you will realize she is not nearly as pretty as you once thought. Let's hope you never have to see her that way.

i got both of those books and im almost done with one of them... it is rather insightful the toughlove one... alot of those feeling i can relate too.... i havent spoken to her today this will be 2days now and it doesnt get easier... again as for my brother he continues with the small talk.... i told him this morning that he doesnt have to hide his phone or emails from me that i just dont care anymore i cant do anything about it... i was supposed to go back to work but i got called off and that is good cause it gave me some time to finish some of the toughlove book and run errands... as for what is going to happen when im have to confront my wife i hope that i will have the confidence and self respect to not fold under her beauty and charm.... i have to say today is a good day im not crying and i feel good about myself... that is today... i have IC tommorrow and hopefully it will continue... i am looking for a roomate for an apt till all this blows over so ive looking at the college and universities for ads wish me luck... ill need it... as for when i have my kids ill just go over to my moms house... i really dont like this Plan B but if this is what i have to do then so be it... any suggestions on how i keep the finances. straight and only pay for the mortgage and the electric... and all else(luxuries)to be eliminated.. help thanks to all

Hi Jolivar1,

I don't get on every day any more.

About your kids: You are their Dad. Can you keep them away from your brother? I certainly would not allow him to intereact with them at all - except when they are with their mother.

Did you talk to your brother about him making the house payments? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There is no society on earth which condones messing with a brother's wife.

Every time you see your brother, you need to tell him plainly how reprehensible his behaviour is. And ... you need to expose this to everybody. Grandparents, neighbors, your brother's friends (if they don't know), your wife's friends (if they don't know) etc.

Look, your brother is your enemy right now. You need to get in his face and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to stay away from your wife - that he is not to speak to her, email her, visit her or have any communications at all with her. If I were you I would insist that he get out of your parents house. Push your parents if you have to. Tell them to make a choice - do they support him in his affair with your wife or do they support you. Be a man! Don't let them nice nice over all this. This is not nice! This has the potential of really messing up your children's lives. This has already done some pretty significant damage to your life.

As for your wife, well, listen to the books - but for your brother there is no book. Stop telling him "there's nothing you can do". Don't role over and let him walk on you.

-AD

AD’s post is spot on the money. Read it again and again and implement it!

What strikes me the most is the lack of support your family offers. You really have to sit down with parents and make no uncertain claim to their support. Point out the consequences of your brothers and WW actions:
Unchanged this can only lead to divorce. Your kids (their grandkids) raised by a single parent that is deciding her present future on the heat of her crotch (sorry – there is no kind or nice way to put this).
If this leads to divorce you do not know how you will handle your brother. This might force you to distance yourself from the family.
If you divorce there is little you can do if WW moves with the kid’s. Making contact with you and with grandparents hard.
A divorce will encumber you with financial obligations making starting a new family or getting further education hard for you.

I think you should also make some of these points clear to your brother. Not that I think it will make any difference to him. But remember he is your enemy.

I am still waiting for an answer on the possibility of you and wife relocating. Even if you two get together again I can not see how you can have “normal” contact with your brother.

i dont have normal contact with him... as for relocating i cant until my contract is finished with my job... i tried to talk to him and he blew up at me and the reasons for all of this behavior is all of the problems that her and i had been having and it hit me she brought him into our marriage by brainwaching with all of these halftruths...he still doesnt want to hear my side of the problems cause he feels that she has no reason to lie to him... but she does it tranfers the guilt that she should be feeling onto me and then she can continue to do what she wants... as for my kids she has made it that i can only get my kids through a third party... i am to have no contact what so ever with her or my kids and where they go to school... i am not an animal i have made no threats so why do all of thiss. and she says it that she doesnt want anykind of contact with me and she is afraid that she will when i go to pick up my children cause we live across the street from the school... i just dont know what to feel with all of this going on..... she isnt going to counseling so i feel that R is out of the picture right now ... but im reading to give it time and let the affair fizzle out.... but as for my parents they still continue to not take sides no matter what i say... ive disrespected them by telling that they failed in istilling any values in my brothers and my pure blood spanish fathter say well that is how you see if you want to leave you can... as for my mom it is tolling on her but she stills says the same old thing.... and the wheels keep spinning .... i will be back soon... sorry so long

help... after that talk with my brother... the next day he left only to show up at my house and he is now staying there with my wife... i dont want to push her away but i dont like this situation. that she is doing here... im angered and i just want to nnnnnnnAAASAdlkjads... but i have she has this protective order on me so i cant do any thing about.... hhhhheeeeeollllllppppp please... i have even spoken to a psychologist to up my meds....

jolivar,

You have to accept, you can not control or force her or your brother to do anything. You can make things very hard for them to continue on with though.

I'd say based on your explanations so far, continue to pay for only what you must. I would seek legal advice on this matter. Force your brother to get a job, and see how much of a blow that in itself is to fantasy land.

You gotta suck it up. It really sucks, we all know. But, each and every BH here is gonna tell ya the same thing, you can't make her do anything. She is gonna have to ride this one out, and discover that you are the better man. Unfortunately, this really hurts you in the process. You can only hope to protect your love for her, and to accelerate the breakdown of fantasy land. Reality is generally the bills stacking up so high, they end up fighting about money...and that just ain't fun for anyone.

-hang in there

Jolivar1,

Make some things clear to us.

1) Do you have an order from a judge not to contact your wife? Why? What exactly does it say? How long is it in effect? Again, why? Did you have a lawyer represent you? Did you show up for court?

2) Do you have an order which requires you to pay the household expenses?

3) Are you renting or do you own the home? If you own, is the house in your name or both names?

4) How were you treating your wife before all this happened?

5) Does your wife ever try to talk to you?

6) You said "she has made it that i can only get my kids through a third party."
How did she make it that way? Who is the third party? Can you have your Mom go pick them up anytime you want?

Now. No matter what the answer to those questions...

There is nothing in the world which could under any circumstances justify your brother's behaviour - even if you had been a criminal - even if you had been a terrible husband. Your brother is the devil right now. I don't think I speak too strongly. Don't let him tell you "You were a bad husband so I get to play house with your wife." That's garbage.

Remember the line from "Love must be tough"? "Precipitate a crisis." In other words : Make something happen which forces the infidels (your bro and your wife) to react. Don't let them drive the situation.

What if you stop paying the bills? What happens and how soon?

Oh, and no violence. It will get you nowhere.

-AD

Hi Jolivar,

I don't post very much. The double betrayal you are dealing with is arguably worse than your wife having an affair. At the moment your situation is really poisonous. Your wife and your brother are betraying you and you are not receiving any support from your parents. From reading your posts, it seems as if you are the only morally sound and sane person in this mix.

I know it is really difficult because there are children involved, however, I would protect my sanity and distance myself as much as possible from these people. Try to establish a real support network that actually cares for you. Given the callousness of your wife and brother's actions I have my doubts as to whether you will ever be able to have a civil relationship with either again, so try to focus on building yourself back up and putting yourself in a position where you will be able to offer some sanity to your children and perhaps eventually open your heart again to a new relaitonship.

This advise is obviously not in-line with MB principles but it is my 2 cents.

No contact with the wife and the kids till the 2/16... this new one is petitioning for that to pay for the bills... as far as owning im on the mortgage she is also on the deed... i was treating her civily we only spoke about the kids and finances.... and when she got mad i would tell her that i didnt want to argue and that i was hanging up.. i still want to R... im just getting tired of being kicked while im down.. or just as im trying to get up... as for trying to create a problem... they are creating it themeselves... and im just trying to be sane and watch... althought it hurts...

well PO got thrown out and the NC with her remains but my brother continues to live there with her.. i want this to stop the longer this goes on the farther i feel her going.. as for my kids i miss the ****** out of them and i know they do the same... i am feeling a bit better but who really won here the kids are still losing... they are being contfused by the site of their uncle living there vs thier father... i mean i try not to let it get to me but when i get to relax the thoughts just come back... and she told the judge that he was temporarily living there... and she bought it... i tell you that was a lie in itself... but i digress i need to get him out of my house... any hints... help.. im watching all of this unfold before me and i want to help but then i cant cause its not my place... im so confused... but i did get some of my confidence back...

well what do i do he is still there. he sounds like he wants to leave cause all he does is go to school and watch my kids.. he is being used and i can tell it is tolling on him. he can come home but he has to stop all contact with her and i dont think he wants to.. so what do i do.. i stop paying the mortgage so that is something they have to worry about.. as for her i told her that i want to R and she say she doesnt know right now..i just dont know what to do with all of this chaos.. im up and down.. she called me yester day and i spoke with my kids and then she got on and we talked abit.. it was odd not telling her that i love her when i hung up... i really do love this women i know she is not the one i found 10yrs ago but she is the one i loved for the past 6yrs and that is as the mother of our children.. well i have to go and i will write more later... any advice is welcom..

Jolivar,

I'm not the wisest one on here by any stretch. I'm annoyed that the wise ones aren't helping you. I'll go see if I can bring in a few of them.

On the mortgage question, you need to do what you can to look out for your credit history. If the mortgage doesn't get paid and your name is on it, it will go on your credit report. I know, you have to chose one bad thing or another bad thing. If you are not paying, you might try contacting the mortgage company and talking to them - especially if it is a smaller firm. They might have some helpful suggestions - or they might initiate forclosure sooner. I don't know which.

Be the big strong good dad - as often as you get a chance. Your kids need a rock. You are it - ready or not.

-AD

Jolivar-

Hi, sorry things are so messed up for you right now.

Okay, you need to cut them off at the knees. Stop paying any bills you can get away with.....if you can't stop paying the mortgage (which is what is sounds like if your name is the only one on it), then how about just not paying the electric? That actually ought to put a nice damper on things if neither one of them are working.

You need to make it clear to your wife that she needs to get that man OUT of your house. That it is unacceptable that she has brought this into your house in front of your children.

Have you read up on Plan A??? You seem to be trying to follow some kind of Plan Bish thing.....by not talking to her for 2 days...etc. That's not what you should be doing right now.

You mentioned that your brother can't come home while he is still in contact...is that something your parents said???

I know that you are afraid to get tough with your wife....that things like not paying the electric are going to make her hate you.......but it won't, somewhere inside her foggy brain, she realizes what she is doing is wrong.....she's not going to admit that outright, but she does know.

Your brother knows this is wrong too......you need to apply whatever pressure you can from that angle too.

Is your restraining order thingy still in effect?? I couldn't tell from your post. If it's not MOVE BACK INTO THAT HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Even if she says she doesn't want you home...TOO BAD, you bought the house, you pay for the house......if she doesn't like it, she can leave.....Oh, not with the kids though, sorry honey.....they stay with their morally superior father.

I know this must be incredibly painful for you. Don't even try to convince yourself you don't care, and you need to move on. Even if you two eventually divorce, you need to work through the problems, or you'll simply carry them into the next relationship with you.

I know none of this is fair, believe me, I know that. But life isn't fair........

The ball is in YOUR court.....so, what are YOU going to do with it???? Are you going to just lay down and play dead......or are you ready to kick the sh*t out of this affair?????


God Bless,

-Caren

the NC is still in effect with her but not my kids.. as for the bills i didnt work for a month and now i am getting back on my feet.. she lost the PO... and she gets no money except for x amt for the kids but that is because i cant leave her with nothing for the kids... i dont want to abandon them and or lose them.. i had to do plan B what with the NC per the original charges those are in effect till Apr.. but till then i cant have contact with her... so i guess it is a legal plan B... my bro is there cause she needs someone to watch the kids while she is in school... but like i said that will wear thin on him especially when he cant do what he wants to do and all of his money is gone.. but im just waiting and hurting till then.. up and down i go where i stop nobody know.. i wish i knew when and how... well ill write more later..

Jolivar-

Does your *nc* thing have a telephone stipulation??? Can you not talk to her on the telephone?

You said that the original charges were because you tore up the bed, and she said you forced yourself on her.....did that actually happen?

As far as your brother living there......he's there to watch the kids? That's a load of crap! He's there to have sex with your wife....that's what he's there for. Don't sugar coat it, or make it anything other than what it is. He SHOULD NOT be around those kids. He SHOULD NOT be in the house YOU pay for. End of story.

What do you mean she lost the PO?? What does PO stand for?

God Bless,

-Caren

Protective order... yes the NC with her is all of them written, verbal and all other but she can initiate contact with me... which is what she did on Sat. as for the watching the kids she has admitted to me that there are some nights that he has slept in my bed my daughter even says that she has made them breakfast in bed. yes, in my eyes it did but she didnt say the forcing thing did happen but they charged me with assault and i have to pay for all of this. i just dont know what to do or say i want to play hardball but i dont want to be charged with abandoning my kids or my marriage.. as for by bro he goes to school watches the kids while she goes to her school and then they go home and play house with my family... i tell you in gets me sick... i want to R.. but i dont want to have to wait and watch all of this unfold before me... my brother wasnt told that he had to leave her alone he just assumed but then again if my marriage is to work out he has to leave the picture and she needs to decide... not him influence her with his presence and me not be able to with my absence... i know its hindsight but i wish i would have handled this situation differently than what it is now... well i will be back soon...

i can talk to her if she initiates it but i dont know what to tell her i feel so scared that ill say something that will make her mad and then she would lie to get me introuble... i dont know... i want to talk to her... i really do i just dont want to scare her away... any tips... i know that it wasnt me that made her do this i just didnt fulfill her needs and along came my brother and listened without judging like all of the other things i used to do before a family and a career and that is what she said she missed and he was there.. so now how do i compete with that.. as for the protective order it all was dismissed but i still have a NC order for the assault charges... i really want my marriage to work but i dont know what to do or say to make him leave and for this to work... heeeeelllllpppp... well i would apreciate any input...

Jolivar-

You have history on your side....history and you have a family together, your brother can never have that....he can never be you.

As for talking to your WW without getting her angry....ummmmmm good luck with that one. WS's are like timebombs....they get mad regardless of what you do or say, you just try to disregard most of it.

I don't know what to tell you since you aren't allowed to initiate contact.

Do you have the money to call the Harley's for counseling??? They can advise you better on your unique situation.

God Bless,

-Caren

no, i have two kids, house and wife ... i wish i did.. do they take blood or payment plans... i am trying to just let what is happening just fizzle out and then i will talk to her but till then im working on this NC thing ... its hard but i have to if i want all of this to work.. i just try to vent my frustration in other ways like running of just sulking in my own misery... i am out of the picture but and i want my brother to be the same way so that she can decide what she wants... but then again she seems like the fog has already decided for her.. well i have to get out of here and get to work ill write more later..

well an update.. we are still not talking but we will be soon i feel it... her father called me for an update and i just gave him bits and told him to calll her for the rest of the story and by the sounds of him he is not too happy with what she is doing not to mention he has been lied to by his own daughter since all of this has been exposed.. but then again it isnt my fault that she is doing all of these things... i am working on myself and i am here for my kids... thats about all that i can do for right now.. i hope it all works out for us any tips on how to talk to her without being angered or just talk and avoiding all of it till she brings it up... sorry im just so confused. i want to talk to her but part of me is scared and the other is wanting to.. well all opinions are welcome... i will write more later gotta get to work..