well what do i do he is still there. he sounds like he wants to leave cause all he does is go to school and watch my kids.. he is being used and i can tell it is tolling on him. he can come home but he has to stop all contact with her and i dont think he wants to.. so what do i do.. i stop paying the mortgage so that is something they have to worry about.. as for her i told her that i want to R and she say she doesnt know right now..i just dont know what to do with all of this chaos.. im up and down.. she called me yester day and i spoke with my kids and then she got on and we talked abit.. it was odd not telling her that i love her when i hung up... i really do love this women i know she is not the one i found 10yrs ago but she is the one i loved for the past 6yrs and that is as the mother of our children.. well i have to go and i will write more later... any advice is welcom..

Jolivar,

I'm not the wisest one on here by any stretch. I'm annoyed that the wise ones aren't helping you. I'll go see if I can bring in a few of them.

On the mortgage question, you need to do what you can to look out for your credit history. If the mortgage doesn't get paid and your name is on it, it will go on your credit report. I know, you have to chose one bad thing or another bad thing. If you are not paying, you might try contacting the mortgage company and talking to them - especially if it is a smaller firm. They might have some helpful suggestions - or they might initiate forclosure sooner. I don't know which.

Be the big strong good dad - as often as you get a chance. Your kids need a rock. You are it - ready or not.

-AD

Jolivar-

Hi, sorry things are so messed up for you right now.

Okay, you need to cut them off at the knees. Stop paying any bills you can get away with.....if you can't stop paying the mortgage (which is what is sounds like if your name is the only one on it), then how about just not paying the electric? That actually ought to put a nice damper on things if neither one of them are working.

You need to make it clear to your wife that she needs to get that man OUT of your house. That it is unacceptable that she has brought this into your house in front of your children.

Have you read up on Plan A??? You seem to be trying to follow some kind of Plan Bish thing.....by not talking to her for 2 days...etc. That's not what you should be doing right now.

You mentioned that your brother can't come home while he is still in contact...is that something your parents said???

I know that you are afraid to get tough with your wife....that things like not paying the electric are going to make her hate you.......but it won't, somewhere inside her foggy brain, she realizes what she is doing is wrong.....she's not going to admit that outright, but she does know.

Your brother knows this is wrong too......you need to apply whatever pressure you can from that angle too.

Is your restraining order thingy still in effect?? I couldn't tell from your post. If it's not MOVE BACK INTO THAT HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Even if she says she doesn't want you home...TOO BAD, you bought the house, you pay for the house......if she doesn't like it, she can leave.....Oh, not with the kids though, sorry honey.....they stay with their morally superior father.

I know this must be incredibly painful for you. Don't even try to convince yourself you don't care, and you need to move on. Even if you two eventually divorce, you need to work through the problems, or you'll simply carry them into the next relationship with you.

I know none of this is fair, believe me, I know that. But life isn't fair........

The ball is in YOUR court.....so, what are YOU going to do with it???? Are you going to just lay down and play dead......or are you ready to kick the sh*t out of this affair?????


God Bless,

-Caren

the NC is still in effect with her but not my kids.. as for the bills i didnt work for a month and now i am getting back on my feet.. she lost the PO... and she gets no money except for x amt for the kids but that is because i cant leave her with nothing for the kids... i dont want to abandon them and or lose them.. i had to do plan B what with the NC per the original charges those are in effect till Apr.. but till then i cant have contact with her... so i guess it is a legal plan B... my bro is there cause she needs someone to watch the kids while she is in school... but like i said that will wear thin on him especially when he cant do what he wants to do and all of his money is gone.. but im just waiting and hurting till then.. up and down i go where i stop nobody know.. i wish i knew when and how... well ill write more later..

Jolivar-

Does your *nc* thing have a telephone stipulation??? Can you not talk to her on the telephone?

You said that the original charges were because you tore up the bed, and she said you forced yourself on her.....did that actually happen?

As far as your brother living there......he's there to watch the kids? That's a load of crap! He's there to have sex with your wife....that's what he's there for. Don't sugar coat it, or make it anything other than what it is. He SHOULD NOT be around those kids. He SHOULD NOT be in the house YOU pay for. End of story.

What do you mean she lost the PO?? What does PO stand for?

God Bless,

-Caren

Protective order... yes the NC with her is all of them written, verbal and all other but she can initiate contact with me... which is what she did on Sat. as for the watching the kids she has admitted to me that there are some nights that he has slept in my bed my daughter even says that she has made them breakfast in bed. yes, in my eyes it did but she didnt say the forcing thing did happen but they charged me with assault and i have to pay for all of this. i just dont know what to do or say i want to play hardball but i dont want to be charged with abandoning my kids or my marriage.. as for by bro he goes to school watches the kids while she goes to her school and then they go home and play house with my family... i tell you in gets me sick... i want to R.. but i dont want to have to wait and watch all of this unfold before me... my brother wasnt told that he had to leave her alone he just assumed but then again if my marriage is to work out he has to leave the picture and she needs to decide... not him influence her with his presence and me not be able to with my absence... i know its hindsight but i wish i would have handled this situation differently than what it is now... well i will be back soon...

i can talk to her if she initiates it but i dont know what to tell her i feel so scared that ill say something that will make her mad and then she would lie to get me introuble... i dont know... i want to talk to her... i really do i just dont want to scare her away... any tips... i know that it wasnt me that made her do this i just didnt fulfill her needs and along came my brother and listened without judging like all of the other things i used to do before a family and a career and that is what she said she missed and he was there.. so now how do i compete with that.. as for the protective order it all was dismissed but i still have a NC order for the assault charges... i really want my marriage to work but i dont know what to do or say to make him leave and for this to work... heeeeelllllpppp... well i would apreciate any input...

Jolivar-

You have history on your side....history and you have a family together, your brother can never have that....he can never be you.

As for talking to your WW without getting her angry....ummmmmm good luck with that one. WS's are like timebombs....they get mad regardless of what you do or say, you just try to disregard most of it.

I don't know what to tell you since you aren't allowed to initiate contact.

Do you have the money to call the Harley's for counseling??? They can advise you better on your unique situation.

God Bless,

-Caren

no, i have two kids, house and wife ... i wish i did.. do they take blood or payment plans... i am trying to just let what is happening just fizzle out and then i will talk to her but till then im working on this NC thing ... its hard but i have to if i want all of this to work.. i just try to vent my frustration in other ways like running of just sulking in my own misery... i am out of the picture but and i want my brother to be the same way so that she can decide what she wants... but then again she seems like the fog has already decided for her.. well i have to get out of here and get to work ill write more later..

well an update.. we are still not talking but we will be soon i feel it... her father called me for an update and i just gave him bits and told him to calll her for the rest of the story and by the sounds of him he is not too happy with what she is doing not to mention he has been lied to by his own daughter since all of this has been exposed.. but then again it isnt my fault that she is doing all of these things... i am working on myself and i am here for my kids... thats about all that i can do for right now.. i hope it all works out for us any tips on how to talk to her without being angered or just talk and avoiding all of it till she brings it up... sorry im just so confused. i want to talk to her but part of me is scared and the other is wanting to.. well all opinions are welcome... i will write more later gotta get to work..