i posted this on the just found out but i would like more input.

i am lost on what to do with my wife. she has admited to cheating on me and now says she is in love with the OP. she went to the atorney last week and started the paperwork for the divorce.

i did alot of the wrong things when i found out about it 3 months ago basicly all of the wrong things and it is getting progressivly worse ever since. she still lives in the same house but in the spare bedroom until her apartment is ready in 7 weeks.

we have 3 children and i see it tearing them apart we have talked to them and explained that it has nothing to do with them and have put them in counseling and it helps. i feel lost for not being able to do anything.

where should i go from here do i let her go or is there a differnt approch i can take?

Hi WH,

Welcome to GQ11!
I'm sorry you have a need to be here, but please take comfort in the fact that you have found a fantastic place for caring support.

Have you read much around this site as yet?

I'd strongly suggest reading through some of the articles here (found in the articles section)...especially those outlining plan A & B.

The Harley books are also a fantastic resource...they are called Surviving an Affair (SAA) and His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN). They can be ordered here on the site, or found in both Chapters and Indigo book stores (as far as I know).

All is not lost, but first you'll have to make some decisions about how committed you are to healing your marriage. It's a tough road, but it can be done!

The weekends can be a little slow on the boards, but hang in there as more members will be along soon with questions, suggestions, and info.

Perhaps you could help us out by offering a few more details about your situation?

All the best to you!

Welcome to MB. Banyak has given you good advice.

As for the WS, don't let her stay until it is convenient for her to leave. Push her out B4 her time. Where will the children be staying? Secure custody of the children for u and not the WS.

Learn about the importance of plans A, B and exposure.

L.

I have informed her today that she must be out of the house in the morning. We have already decided that the children will stay with me during the week and with her on the weekends. I can provide a much stronger and stable environment for them than she can so they will spend most of the time with me.

the children are going to counseling and it has seemed to help them cope with it all but I keep seeing them get upset with her so that is my main reason for telling here to leave in the morning. I have gone through and pack all of her items and have them ready to go so she has no excuses.

I am doing plan A and now part of plan B I have spent the past week reading his needs her needs and Surviving An Affair and I am trying to follow them the best I can the kids help me by just being there and giving me strength but it is still hard but surviving

One of the biggest problems I have with all of this is the two children she had before we were married were 1 and 2 years old so in there and my eyes I am dad and have always been called daddy, but I was never able to adopt them mainly money issues until recently now I can afford it. But my wife wont now let me adopt them fearing I will take them away from here which I would never do. I believe that no matter what a child should have both his mother and father in there life. Our youngest is biologically mine so I do have full legal rights but it hurts know that I am powerless with the other two.

One other point that I would like to bring up is my wife’s past. she was brought up in a environment where her mother has had multiple A's and I believe that my wife has been conditioned to her mothers actions and doesn’t see it in a way that most people do so it is making it more of a challenge. Our marriage counselor is working with her on that but I don’t know where they are at in there discussions.

Don't make this convient for her. Make it good for the children. So the children are 1 & 2? Sooo young.

Btw, her mom's infidelity is not the cause. It c/b a symptom but not enough to hang a reason on. Nope. The A bug has bitten her and she is getting greedy by the minute. That's why it is important to expose and do so quickly. If she is seen as an unfit mother, the children c/b kept in a safer environment.

What will she be ocntributing for their care during the week? Making dinner for them? Cleaning their clothes? Don't give her less responsbilities. That w/b a measuring tool for you of her actions vs her words.

L.

the 2 children were 1 and 2 when we met they are now 12 and 13 and she will not be contributing during the week i feel less exposure will be better for the kids. she keeps trying to win them over and buy there love so i feel in this case less is better.

Thanks for the clarification. Even if she is the WS, she is also their mom. Her responsibilities are still hers but I understand your reasons. Just make sure you are not relieving her of her responsibilities so she has time to play.

The A has a way of making people irresponsible. Some of the examples we have read just here @ MB are shocking to say the least but very real. Just wanted you t/b prepared.

take care,
L.

does anyone know of a chat group like this for kids that are going through a divorce. i am alway worried about letting them in some chat groups but i would like them to talk to other children that are going through the same thing. my oldest went to counseling last night and his depression is getting worse. he wont talk to anyone but if i can get him to talk by computer it might be easier than in person. On the computer he might be able to open up more than talking to a person face to face.

well today my ww moved out with the OP I stood my ground and would not let her take anything but her own personal items and her property from before the M. it has been a tough evening for me and my children but we have been strong. I will keep hope but it will be tough going through all of this.

my wife and I will have a counseling meeting in the morning and we will see what comes of it and how her evening went. she was planning on taking the new bed that I bought for her to sleep on in the spare bed room while she was here, but when she was packing items in her van I informed her that since she wanted a fresh start than she will have one. i told her that she will need to start one with her own items not ours. So now she has no bed and items for her new condo, and they will have to sleep on the floor with no furniture.

The children are staying with me full time until she gets them some beds for them in the condo and we agreed that the kids have the right to choose to sleep over there on the weekends if they would like. I'm not sure if it’s the right thing to do but I just can’t keep them from there mom. Any suggestions?

One thing that I do suggest to anyone out there is to keep a journal on everything. I have found that it is actually my best therapy through all of this.

I presume you have not agreed to them sleeping over when OM is also sleeping over?

Yes we have but my only concern is that she keeps to the agreement. In the past few months not a single promise has been kept.

one of my biggest issues through all of this is our two older children 12 and 13 are not biologically mine and I haven’t adopted them so I have no say so on custody. My youngest I can and my lawyer has suggested getting full custody and hoping that she won’t want to break up the children. I just don’t know if I should do that. She isn’t thinking rational so I just don’t know if she will take the older two and split up the kids and say it’s my entire fault.

I do know that her A has nothing to do with me and it is not all my fault but I'm also concerned that is what she is telling the children.

Have you exposed this affair? Have you explained to ALL your children that she is having an affair and helped them deal with this? She will try to rationalize her affair to them, usually with you starring as the demon, if you don't get to them and help them with this. They need some good solid truth and moral guidance right now. The kids should not be allowed to be around the OM as they will see this as endorsement of the affair.

Who is this OM? How much exposure have you done so far?

I have talk to the older two about the affair and that is not the way two adults should act and I am also having their counselor do the same.

It is much different with my 8 year old I just don’t know how to talk to him about this. He is so innocent in all of this and it just hurts him even when mom leaves. I have explained to him that it has nothing to do with him or his brother or sister but he is so young and confused. His first meeting with the counselor is on Monday so I hope with that it will help him sort everything out.

As with the OP I was am still backed into a corner. I have explained to the kids who he is and what they are doing is wrong and have expressed it to them all of the time. But as I explained earlier the older two are not biologically mine (even though I have been with them since they were 1 and 2 so I feel they should be. One of the things that I have asked my WW is when the divorce is final if I could adopt them. She won’t let me do it now fearing that I will take them from her. She is only a temp at her current job and will have no insurance or benefits and the kids just don’t need to be on state insurance when I am will to take care of them, but my insurance has told me that when the divorce goes through and is final that they will have to be removed from my insurance) and I have no say so on where they go and do. The only one I have control on is our youngest and I am still torn on taking him completely out off his moms life.

Today I did get her to finally sign papers stating that the children will live with me during the week and her on the weekends. She has been threatening to take them completely from me and in a legal since she will win if we go to court on the older two. I am still debating on going on the offensive and filing for temp full custody for my youngest but my problem is that with my current job I do travel and it will give my WW a chance to influence him more while I am out of town. And I know that is something that she would do out of anger towards me without thinking of what it will do to our son.

As for the info on the OP he is a coworker at her current job and he is also going through a divorce for the past 2 years. I feel that since his marriage has failed that he is convincing my WW that it is all right for hers to also fail and she should move on. I haven’t spoken to his wife yet and I am still trying to figure out if I will or not. It is tough because I have never been this person to hurt anyone I have always been as my counselor has put it a caregiver I have my intire life have looked out for other people before myself at least until now I have leaned my lesson with my WW but my children will always be first. My WW has told me that the OP wife has called her and has yelled at her but I don’t know if it is all true it is tough taking anything my WW has said to me because almost everything she has told me has be lies or half true.

Tomorrow will be a good day I am planning to take my children out on our boat and try to leave this entire ordeal behind for the day and relax. I am hoping to try to teach them to water ski hoping with us doing that it will take our mind off it all and have something new to talk about this week to make things easier or just a little less stressful.

Where is the natural dad of the older two? Is he deceased? I think that if you get her to include the older two in some type of parenting plan that goes through the court system, even if it is a temporary one, then you will have a stronger case to petition for visitation rights should she decide to not let you see the older two. Your lawyer can probably tell you more about this than I could, though. Be aware that if you file for full custody of the youngest, so that your WW doesn't want to split the boys up, you must also consider that the judge will give custody to your WW just SO that the kids will not be split up. This would suck, and you will have po'ed your WW. This alone would make me more than eager to apease her a bit until a clear schedule has been established over time to show the court your commitment to the older two. And BTW, even if she makes it hard for you to see the older two, please make a huge effort to include them. It would be so painful to them if they ever felt "dropped". What a great dad you seem to be and the kids are so blessed with your efforts. Keep up the journal, it is such good documtenation.

For the older two there dad is currently nonexistent in there lives. In the first few years of our marriage he did make an effort to contact the kids and take them to his home for a week once a year. But I believe it was because of pressure from his family. He only lived 5 hours away. We moved to a city that is now only 3 hours away and he has not even tried to make an effort to contact them in the past 3 years.

It was sad to say but 5 years ago we asked him to sign papers to let me adopt the children and he did agree and at the end of our conversation it mainly came down to he didn’t want to pay child support.

You also hit the nail on the head about me filing for full custody on my youngest. That has been some of my concerns and I guess I am hoping to here from other people that have might have been through all of this. I know that my case is rare for me wanting two children that aren’t biologically mine but to me I have raised them and I feel the day that they were born was the first day I met them. I remember that day as if it was just like the day my youngest was born. I do feel my WW also feels the same because she has stated to everyone around us including our counselor and her lawyer that she will never keep the children from me that is why she has agreed to have the children with me during the week and her on the weekend. We are having the lawyer draw it up and it we are going down on Monday to sign it. I just hope she doesn't change her mind over night. She did state today that she is still in agreement with the counselor and me that I can provide them the most stable environment for them.

Today I and my three children went out boating and we had a blast. The day was good for the kids there was only a short time that they wanted to call my WW. So I let them call her. I don’t know if it was good or bad but I could tell in my WW voice that she was hurt that she wasn’t with us. Boating used to be one of our biggest family activities and I know it is one of the things the kids always talk about. Afterwards tonight after dinner she called the kids to say good night and when she was done talking to them we talked for a few moments and she cried to me saying how much she misses the kids and that it is hard but she will just have to get used to it. So I feel that it could go in her or my favor. I guess I will have to see.

She has been asking for items for her apartment and I don’t know if it is good for me to do this but I was advised by my lawyer and somewhat by my counselor (she suggested it but would not talk directly about it) not to give her anything except her personal items so that is what I am doing if anyone has a different suggestions please let me know. But as for now I am sticking to my plan.

My children and I are still keeping each other strong. We are doing it by them just being with me keeps me sane and I have to be strong when I'm around them so they know that we can all survive through all of this. And I have been keeping them busy and spending a lot of time with them explaining that what mom is doing is wrong but her and I both love them very much and none of this is their fault. The older two are doing much better now they are with the counselor and my youngest will be going for the first time Monday so I hope it helps him, but he isn’t show any of the signs that my older two are but we have been keeping him in the dark about some of the things that are going on. I’m just scared what it might do to him if he found out all of the truth but it will be hard for him. he doesn't know what a affair is but I have explained to him that what mommy is doing is wrong and family is most important and he doesn't have to try to make me or her happy no matter what we love him both the same and he doesn't have to prove anything and it s not his fault. What is going on it a bad decision by his mom and this is happening for me to learn that I wasn’t spending enough time with them and now it is my chance to make things right by us spending quality time together alone or with the other two children. It is still hard for him to understand why mommy isn’t sleeping in our house anymore but today is only the second day and it seemed that he handled a lot better than he did yesterday.

We will all be strong and I hope we have enough to rub off on my WW and realize that family is first and that she put it all second. Maybe someday!

What a great day with my children I pray for many more. I lost this feeling for 3 years when I turned into a workaholic. And I am just glad that I saw the error in my ways a year ago and now they are number 1 and it makes me happy and gives me great satisfaction to see them have so much fun and seeing them smile and know it’s because of me.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't give her any material support for living away from her family home.

Have you exposed the A at work? She is a temp and may lose her position there but that is minimal impact. Less $$ to spend and the A will start to wilt. Too bad there isn't a bug spray you could use to kill the A....but alas, this stuff takes time. The OM c/b going through a D or just your Ws' version. Time will tell.

In meantime, use the tools you have. Do not share $$ or materials with the WS. Reassure your children of your love and support. Ask for theirs. Bond and survive, together.

take care,
L.

I haven’t exposed her to her work but I also just don’t know how to do it. It has never been in me to do something like that but I also just don’t know what to say if anyone has anything that they use please let me know it would be helpful. I'm sure I could just send an anonymous email to her HR department but I am just lost for words and don’t know how to approach it.

Today is another day and it is still hard to bite my tongue and I am finding my self slip into her way of justifying everything by fighting I have finally am forced to just end the conversations and hang up or walk away. I feel that her way of coping with it all is to fight with me all of our conversations end up with her getting mad at me. I could just be a conversation about what me and the kids did today and it will end up with her saying that I am parenting her, and I even recorded a few of our conversations just to see if I actually was and I found nothing in it. So I guess I will just have to either keep the conversations down to the bare basics or just no conversations. Any suggestions on this would be greatly appreciated.

My youngest had his first counseling session today and it was tough because he didn’t feel comfortable about going in alone and my wife jumped in and started throwing her input in and it came to I feel my son felt bad for her and himself that she hasn’t been around and she ended up going in with him. I know that the counselor will keep a handle on the conversations in the meeting but I also feel that her presence in the room will also make him say things that won’t hurt her and his true feelings won’t come out. But like I said this is just the first meeting and I’m just venting because I was left out of the whole meeting but I will make sure when he is comfortable that he will go in alone and won’t have to feel like he has to make us happy and will speak his mind.

After the children and I got home I made dinner and spent the evening watching a movie and I plan on giving them the night to think about what they talk to the counselor about and then in the morning over breakfast I was planning on talking to each of them about there meetings. With me being a male it is a little harder than it is with my WW to talk to the boys on these issues so if there is any books or article on this that anyone can suggest that would be great so I can talk to them a little easier. It is very easy to talk to my daughter. A father daughter relationship is always different than a mother daughter, and vice versa. So my daughter and I talk on all levels and she can open up to me much easier than she does with my WW. I just would like it to be the same with the boys.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

i need help with OP he keeps saying thing to my WW and is trying to turn her against me and making her file for full custody of my children and i cant do that because of what i have explained in my other notes above. i need help asap because i think she will try something in the next few days while im out of town and she has the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Actually that's an assumption....c/b the WS is feeding the frenzy. Either way it's a bad thing. Best to avoid it all together. Go get busy with what is really important with your life and stop trying to find out what the screwballs are up to.

L.

it might be but it is what she told me today that she is going to file for temp full custody of all three children. i know i will more likely win for my youngest but i just dont knwo and it is making me frustrated haveing my hands tied. she is now seeing that she is making alot of bad choices and she is not being a good role model but still keeps up with the A.

i almost feel that because when we have a confortation i am normaly right not always by choice on my part. but i always included her in all decisions and alway let her speek her opions but re could never com to a compromise. that is one of the things that i hope our counselor will help with. that is one of the other things that has me confused is that she is still going and plans on keep going to our marraige counselor.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You'd best stop listening to her babble and start working on strengthening your case. At the very least for the safety of the children.

Remember right now her 1st priority is being a WS, then if there's time a mother and then waaaay laterm maybe your W (if it is convenient). Does that make your blood boil? If it does, go do something constuctive instead of mulling over it and getting depressed.

L.

thank you for the shake up i realy need it right now it is just so hard not to mull over everthing it is still tough on me and my kids and we just need to start doing like we did on suday and spend the whole day out forgetting everthing and remembering each other. i love my children so much and i just scares me of what might happen i got this email today.



i have already told her she will not get an answer tonight and i will let her know when i am ready (i have a appointment with my lawyer in the morning)i just need some suggestions from someone who has been here before. i know most of it is her making demands that she wont get except like i have been saying im worried about my kids.

You are very early in all of this. You need to expose the affair to the OM's wife, and to their work.

Does he have any children?

How long does it take to divorce in your state?

I have not personally talked to the OP wife but I plan on it I just got all of her info in the beginning of the week and I have been trying to figure out what to say. It’s not like calling a friend. I wish I had some script I could work off of. I have sent an email off to the HR dpt. of their work and I haven’t heard anything yet I know she was going to try to get a full time job there because they told her that her temp job will always stay as a temp position and she could keep working there in her current position for years if she wanted just not as a full time employee.



The other OP does have two children and he has already introduced them to my WW and they have spent time together. I believe that is one of his ploys to win her over is to show how much of a good parent he is but I know better because I would have never done anything like that to my children it is just showing them that its alright to do the things they are doing.



It takes 6 months from the time of what she claims as being the day she told me she wanted a divorce( she is claiming that she told me in the beginning of April but I didn’t confront her until may 12th. She is claiming earlier so the D will go through sooner so she won’t feel guilty for what she is doing). Her exact word to me why she wants the D is that she doesn't want to feel guilty for anything she does and if we do decide in the future that we want to work things out we could get remarried. How easy is that for her to justify her actions while she puts me through H**L, and that is only if I don’t decide to contest it. I am still trying to decide if I want to drag it out or put an end to it all and see what happens.


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

up

Drag it out if you don't want a divorce. In the meantime, contact his wife. It is not a pleasant task, but necessary.

that is what i have be considering i know she dosent have the money to do it her self.

i also have been trying to figure out even what to say to the OP wife im for once at a lost for words.

Sample:

BS: Hello, my name is __________ I have some very important and sensitive information for you and your family. I would like to be able to bring it to your attention. When would be a time to meet or speak with you?

OM's W: Tomorrow at 3. Meet me at Starbucks.

BS: A public place would be fine but may be hard once you hear the information. Can you bring a close confident with you? I don't mean to sound mysterious but I think it w/b best if you had some support when you hear this information. It is very difficult for me to tell you but I am trusting you are a reasonable person.

OM's W: Ok. I will bring my (sister/friend/neighbor).

BS: Ok.

********************************8

BS: Hello Mrs. _______________ and friend. My name is: BS (sit and to get grounded). The purpose for this meeting is to imform you that your H and my W have been seeing each other. I learned about this a few weeks ago and have been dealing with a very negative attitude on my W's part. Are you aware of this A?

OM's W: Oh....that explains a lot.

BS: I am sorry to have to bring this to your attention. I would like to break this A. Can I get your cooperation?

OM's W: Yes.



Well..... something like that.

L.

Orchid


thank you

this is what i have been looking for but i just couldnt find it anywhere on the site.

i will plan on meeting with her asap. i have the work taken care of now it is in their HR hands now and i will have to wait and see what happens at her work and if they will do anything.

tomarrow i will hopefuly have an up date on what happens and i will post it. i did have some interesting talks with my WW and i will also post them to see if i handled them corectly. i want to make sure i do this the corect way this time. i just would realy like to work things out but sometimes my heart and mouth gets ahead of my mind.

one of the things she said to me on tuesday that was very interesting was after i sent her a letter called "he'll be different with you, you're special"i found on one of the posts it starts out

"He'll be different with you, you're special.
Author Unknown

You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his
wife. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed
out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny."

and here was her response to me and eversince then her and the OP have been having problems and it also was what triggered the string of emails i recieved from her about her demands for the D.





<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

well today has been a tough day it is the first weekend without my children since the seperation. i have been getting a couple of calls from them here and there but its just hard not having them.

but i have been keeping busy with yard work and cleaning the house so that has helped.

i did try to talk to the OP wife today but i got no answer on her phone just voice mail so i will try tommarow and see what happens.

"It did make me think but why did you send this to me? I don't need stuff like this to make me think. I really didn't appreciate it either."

Ha-ha - that one's a CLASSIC. Hang in there. Keep working on yourself, and keeping busy.

Well today my children came home today and it was pretty tough for them I cant tell if being with mom for the first weekend all by them selves was good or bad they all seem different towards me today but I think after a few hours things have gotten better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I have seen a different attitude with my WW today she actually has stopped be so hostile to me, and actually we had a few normal conversations this afternoon. We will just have to see if life is really tuning out the way she thought it would. It was funny the other day I did get a email from her saying



I though it was kind of funny but she didn’t <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I will just keep being strong and be there for my children like I always have. I do know that my WW doesn't have the money to file for the divorce right now so I know I have sometime to see what happens. Its just so tough loving her so much and seeing what she is doing to me and our children.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

a great quote



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

I have a major dilemma right now. I am trying to decide if I should throw in the towel with my WW about the children. Or go to court for my youngest and find out what happens after that. I don’t want to break up the children but if you have read my thread you will see that I am backed up against a corner. We originally agreed to have the children with me Monday - Friday and with her on the weekends, and we would have joint custody. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now she is telling me that she wants to be the primary parents and that I will have visitation rights. I think that this is a bunch of s**t, but it is tearing my children apart. She sits there and gives them the guilt trip when she is with them or when she talks to them to make them feel sorry for her so they will want to stay at her condo with her and the OP. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Today we had another session with the kids and their counselor, and afterwards she sent me a text message that she was coming to get the kids so they can live with her. I knew she has no right and she did try to go to the police and they called me to find out what was going on and I explained the whole situation and they told her to go home. I knew they would because she has no legal right until she gets papers signed from a court and she doesn’t have the money to pay her lawyer to file the paperwork.
But in the mean time I see all of this just tearing the children apart along with the stress of the breakup and the possibility of a divorce.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


When will it all end this is such a tough choice to make and I'm really lost on what to do. I just want my children safe and for their mother so realize what she is doing is just hurting the kids and not me. I feel a lot of what she is doing is to lash out at me and it is spilling over to the kids.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

help any sugestions i have been thinking about what im going to do and i still cant come up with a resolution.

i just dont know how some of you guys are able to hold out so long with just not knowing. i love my wife with all of my heart but it is just getting harder as the days go by. i know that it has been only 12 days since she has moved out but it is just like when one of my best friend passed away a few years back.

i get up in the morning and everyting is in a daze until i see my children and they give me the energy to get going in the morning. without them i just dont know what i would do. it might be easyier to move on but i just dont know and i have to deal with what is on my plate right now.

i have been reading through some of the threads of some of you that have been going through this for a long time and i have to give a big bow to you for being so strong, and then i read some of you that dont have any children and i just dont know how you do it.

my main thing is i just have to keep going day by day and stop looking at the future. i guess you just dont know what will come around the bend. i did find a saying the other day that someone posted and i have been using for the past week that does help and i would like to share it.

Key word: day

This one day, you felt like you lost your inspiration, your way, slipped back...one day...tomorrow is new...you are made new...it's not a contest...it is life...one day...

When you're okay to just be...for today...not old or new, not right or wrong, just as you are...then you will hear your soul's whisper, hear the rustle of your thoughts...and know their footsteps...find some portents you divine...and let them go with a blessing...that's a heckuva day, when you can do that...



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One day.

You will not do what you truly don't want to do...your fear of being who you were cannot be true, Rin...the days like this one, will show you, by contrast, your change, your new beliefs, like shoes, breaking them in by wearing them...and how better to see your previous ways than putting on clothes that no longer fit...that sag or were too tight?

Contrast day...your choice to perceive it as temporary and important...not bad...not down...different energy...all yours.

Lessons don't all come at you head on...forward direction...there are ones to the side, come from the corner of your eye, maybe only possible when you stand still...

Or look up. Which is difficult to do when you're always walking forward.

Would you like to learn a solemn peace? Happiness in stillness? Absorbing all you've learned at full stride...the settling in...what do you think?

One day...maybe another day, like this one down the road...name your fear of standing still...when God asks us...to be still and know that he is God...

Sharing all your days is what I'm very grateful for.

wlcmhelp,

Hang in there buddy. U r doing ok. It doesn't feel ok but you still have your santity and the love of your family. Be glad u r not a WS. Imagine not having a brain. How can one function on illogic? Like the emperoer who wore no clothes. He thought he was dressed in his regal wear. LOL!!! The only suit he had on was his birthday suit and the whole world was laughing at him. That is how others see the WS.

You know why the police believed your version over her's? Because they could tell she was a WS even before you opened your mouth. You know usually the mother gets custody even in questionnable cases but if the police is smart, they can smell a WS as good as those of us here @ MB. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok, now u got a plan? Filing for custody? Secure your finances? Identified your boundaries? Ready to learn reverse babble? Get a good MC?

L.

I had a feeling that one day it would happen, and one of the good things is that one of my good friends his wife is on the police force so she knows most of the officers and for warned them if the situation.




We do have a great counselor and she has been doing great work with me and my WW. She does do some of the same style of Dr. Harley so it helps to use this site and read all of the books, and the same office has a DR. for my children she does case for only children of divorce and child custody.

the only problem that we have had was when we went to the first couple of meetings I let the children go in on there own and speak with the counselor and she told my wife that because she was the mother and the kids were closer to her that they should live with her most of the time and me on the weekends. The counselor’s only problem was that none of our kids talked about the OP and so the counselor didn’t think that my wife was involved with anyone and it was just a divorce on loss of passion and love instead of an A. After I talked to her last Monday she did realize what she said was a mistake and she went to my wife and told her that her recomdation was wrong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

It was a big concern of the counselor and myself that all three of my children refuse to even mention that there is a OP. they have completely blocked him out and i did get my daughter to talk to me about it and she just says it hurts to much. My WW and I did have us and the kids sign a consent form for the two counselors to talk so they can share concerns and information about my wife and my stability and what is best for the kids.

On an ironic note you would never believe the children’s doctors’ name is Dr. Sadd the kids found it funny so it helped break the ice between them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All I can say is hang in there. Make your home a nice place for your children. Let them know that you and their home will always be there for them.

The A will never, ever last. It is extremely difficult to live with another person and their children.

You are the one that needs to stand for the children. You can do that by being their rock, and safe place.

We will be strong for each other they dont know it but they are my rock also. If it wasnt for them this probley would be alot easier. I look in thier eyes and just see the sadness and the pain and it make me want to try even harder.

The kids and i have plans to spend the weekend on our boat which is good for both of us to take our minds off of everthing for a few hours each day.

You need to share with them that you have a plan. They need to be relieved of the burden of being in the middle of this.

Make your home nice, go on the boat, plan things together, and be strong for them.

I was a mess at first, but going through this made me strong. I promise you that MB will help you become a happier person, no matter how it all turns out.

thank you ALL for the support it always helps.

I have been speaking with the children and they do know that i have a plan and I will always will be there for them. No matter what is the out come i am thier dad and they are my children and I won't leave. I'm not going anywhere and neither are they. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

That is probley one of the older two's biggest fears out of this ordeal that I will leave them like thier real dad did. All I can do is prove them wrong.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

You are a good and honorable man, and your children are very blessed to have you in their lives.

Continue on and realize that this stuff takes time. Remain the lighthouse.

Today was another one of those days. my WW calls me and tries the get me all fired up and tries to put the blame on me, but she doesn’t realize that it has nothing to do with me it is all her. All I do is tell her that what she is doing is disrespectful and it is hurting our children.

it is so hard sometimes just looking in their eyes and see what she keeps doing to them and have no way of keeping them safe and away from the situation. She keeps shoving the OP into their environment and unfortunately I have no control over it. I just keep reminding them that I love them and they have nothing to do with this and what their mom is doing is wrong and I would like them to never repeat what she is doing or has done. She just keeps giving them the guilt trip and it just makes me so mad that she would do that to our children. It just has so many long term effects that she just refuses to see. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I am unfortunately coming to the point that its time to let her go and move on with my life with my children. It is so hard not having her in our lives it has been ten years and it just hard to say that those years were wasted and they don’t mean anything to my WW. All I can do is sit there and think about all the wonderful things we had together. She just sees the bad. Maybe someday she will wake up and see the truth but my problem is that it just keeps hurting to just sit here and do nothing about our relationship.

I am just rambling on here but I guess it is good therapy for me to vent a little.

This weekend was great with my children we went boating and I taught my older two how to knee board and they just loved it the older two both got up on their knees and had a blast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It’s been a few days since I have posted last but not much has been going on. The only thing that has been happening is in the past few days my WW has had the nerve to send me a email and ask me to pay for part of the divorce. Her email is as follows

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I still can’t believe that she would send that to be but I guess she is now realizing that she doesn’t have the money that she used to when she lived at home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

She had a habit of being able to go out and buy what ever she wanted and there was always money in the bank and now that she left I had all of the accounts changed and all of the credit cards take away from her and now she has to live off her pay check from the temp job that she has and they also informed her that she will not be hired on full time so she wont receive any benefits or insurance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

it does concern me that when the divorce goes through that our older two children won’t be covered under my insurance because she won’t let me adopt them. I have a call into the insurance company right now to see if there is anything else that I can do. I just know my wife won’t be able to afford insurance for the kids so I will have to find some way of doing it.

on another note I did find out that the OP had to sell his car to get things for their condo. which I believe that it has a double edge sword. on ones side he is saying that he did it so they can buy things for my children to make my wife feel that he is a hero for saving the day. but on the other hand it also shows me and them that they won’t have any money after all of that is spent. I’m already seeing that with the last email I got on wanting the money for the divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Its been over a week now since I last posted and I thought I would just put my thoughts and feelings down to let out some steam.

Its so frustrating when my WW is so far into the fog that she don’t see what is in front of her. We have been battling over a week now on what we are doing with our children. I have went and filed for temp. custody of my youngest because he is the only one that I have legal rights to, but I am so torn over not having any legal rights to my older two but I guess if I can help one up close and just keep talking to the other two we all will survive this. I mainly just don’t want to have to split up the three children but she is leaving me no choice I just hope when I get primary custody of my youngest she will see what is wrong with her thinking and maybe will see the light.

One of our issues right now is she wants to have primary of our children and have them live with her and the OP along with she wants to yank her out of their current school and put them into another one over by her place. I know its nuts and it makes no since but this is what I have to deal with day in and day out.

(I will put it this way at least I don’t have to worry about being board) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My daughter is so torn right now because she wants to stay in her current school and her mom just wont let her make up her own mind and is making her change. I have told her that I will support any decision she makes and because of my situation the only thing we can do is have her right out a list of reasons why she wants to stay in her current school and reasons why she would want to go to the new school and give it to her mom so show her why she is making the decision that she is, along with her talking to her counselor about it and have the counselor help her talk to her mom. If anyone else has any other suggestions that would be great. Any help is better than none.

On the other note I still am lost on what to do with my wife. I still love her to death but I am starting to just get the feeling that I am fighting a loosing battle and both arms are cut off. She still turns every conversation into a argument and just doesn't want to just sit and talk like two adults. She would rather just justify actions by taking everything out on me. I just don’t know if its better to just cut all ties with her except when it comes to the kids or still keep on just showing her that I still love her.

I guess I still have many other thoughts that I want to post but this I already getting long so I will post more thoughts tomorrow.

Well today has been a very long day.

Last week I filed for temp. custody of my youngest child and we had our court hearing today. I was heart broken because there currently isn’t anything that I can do for my older two children because I never adopted them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Just a quick overview if you haven’t read the beginning of my thread. My WW moved out July 15th with OP. we have been fighting over where my children were going to live and go to school and I received a email not to long ago with her saying that the children were going to live with her and OP full time and she was going to have them change schools. I just couldn’t believe it. I was in the process if replying to her divorce filing and I talked to my lawyer and told him that I wanted to file for custody of my children but I was informed that currently since the older two are not biologically mine and I haven’t adopted them that the only one I have legal right to is my youngest son. So that is what I have done so far.

In court today I did win the battle for my youngest son, but I still haven’t won the war so I will just have to keep in constant contact with my older two children and hope that she doesn't keep them from me since I have custody of our youngest son. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I was a great hearing and a great win for fathers our there that are the BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I had a great judge and I was informed by him that in our state and county that it is very rare that I father is awarded the children. I would like to recommend that if you do plan on getting custody of your children by a book called Fathers’ Rights by Jeffery M. Leving. I was one of the things that helped me win this first battle for custody. Just make sure you read it cover to cover and follow and use it like a bible. I will give you an overview of what I was awarded today because I followed it.

1. I have temporary custody of our son.
2. she was awarded
a. visitation to him every other weekend with stipulations
i. she is not allowed to talk to the children about the living arrangements
ii. and I also recommended to the court witch the judge like was that she be allowed to have him a two days a week from 4:30 pm to 7:30 pm to spend time with her. I have always been an advocate of the children spending quality time with both parents.
iii. And the biggest one is that when she does have our son that she will not be able to have anyone of the opposite sex there with them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (Basically saying that the OP is not allowed anywhere near our son and if she wants our son to spend the night he will have to stay somewhere else for those nights. And she did inform me that as of the 3rd of next month he will be moving out of the condo <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)
3. She also has been letting the OP drive our second car and I took her off of our insurance for the car and told her if she wanted to drive it she would have to get her own insurance. In her counter petition to the court asking for me to pay for all of the insurance, but after I informed the judge why I took her off the insurance we came to a agreement that I would pay for the insurance for the car but she is required not to let the OP drive it or she would be in contempt of court. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
4. there are others but those were the biggest ones that I felt were a big win but the judge did inform her that
a. I had put in the case that there are two other children involved in this situation and he told her and my lawyer that if they were also heard in this case he would have awarded me all three children. To bad that we didn’t have enough time to research our case for there custody. And that it was great for our children to have a father like me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
5. I also asked the judge to put a gag order on my WW on telling my son about the court case until we took him to his counselor to get her advice on what would be the best way to explain all of this to a 8 year old.

I should be happy for my win today but I my mind I feel that I lost more today than gained. My reasoning on that is that now I have won custody of my son my WW will and already have been retaliated against me by my WW with her withholding the other two children from me and will talk to the children when I’m not around and make me look like the bad person in their eyes. The only advantage I have right now is that the children's counselor is in my side and I had a chance to talk to her before she met with our children and explained everything that happened and my fears so she spent the whole time with the children talking about what happened and how dad really feels for the kids so I just hope it helps them recover sooner because I already know in one of my child’s eyes my wife has made me look like the bad person by taking our son and not letting him live with them. I do believe over time he will know and understand why I did what I did. Time will only tell.

Tomorrow will is a new day and we shouldn’t dwell on the past I just hope the old two children and my WW will remember that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

t

You are a good man. Reading your story gives me hope. So many men walk away from their biological children, let alone their step children.

I hope you are able to spend time with your older kids. Let them know that you care for them.

Your wife made a TERRIBLE mistake, and I'm sure the affair will soon end. Hang in there.