*******************EDIT********************

Thanks to those who've reached out to me over the years & supported me
through difficult times. Thanks also to those who've always treated me
with dignity & respect in spite of my mistakes & shortcomings.

God Bless.

Oh please. I'm sure this will really endear you to the mods. LOL.

I feel so powerful. PLEASE!
LOL.

BigK, MEDC -

Why do you find this so funny?

I hear violins. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

speaking for me...not BK...Suzet is a drama queen that loves the attention that comes from her exit.
Plus the fact that her words are inaccurate. Any reference I made to being racist was explained by her use of words not acceptable in our country...and then I apologized for the misunderstanding...she chose not to accept the apology.
The evil reference was in regards to her not letting the OBS know of her transgressions... I do now and will always consider that evil behavior.

But to answer your question... it is just the drama of the whole thing that I find humorous.

I never saw her as a drama queen....just a human being who wants to be heard.

NOW... I, I appreciate that you saw her differently than me. I am not asking you to change your views at all.
If she was helpful to you, I hope you can find similar direction from another here.

Thanks, MEDC.

Just for Information Only!!

Let's get the REAL facts out there.

Suzet_ had recently emailed me, all mod's on GQ and MB Admin numerous times ASKING to be UNregistered from the forums so she could no longer post. She said she was spending far too much time on the forums. I responded and told her I had no capabilities to UNregister her. The only way I could prevent her from posting would be to ban her and she had done nothing to warrant banning. She requested that I do so. She also added she was feeling attacked by some posters. I was reluctant to ban her. I felt if she REALLY didn't want to post, the logical answer would be restraint. Plus, she might change her mind and decide she did want to post.

When I didn't respond to her ban request, the post critiquing MB posters and lack of moderation was posted.

I tried to defuse it. I locked it, then moved it off the forum. She kept re-entering it. I decided this was HER way of pushing the ban issue and I'd grant her request. We all know the forums are provided by the Harley's to help, advise & assist those needing help or support. MB forum problems are to be sent to me, any other mod or MB Admin. I WILL respond.

Suzet_ was NOT banned BECAUSE of her post.

She was banned at HER request!!

Wow.

Just....WOW.

Thank you Justuss. It is nice to have the facts straight.

How idiotic.

Sorry Justuss...but it was worth the edit!!!

Mr. Wondering

Hi Justuss,

Thanks for all the time and effort you volunteer to help us try to help each other in a civil manner.

We appreciate your time (and the other mods and admin) more than is expressed.

I, too, pray that we can keep focued on solutions for individual sitches in spite of our differences.

Ace

Attachment is an awful thing.

I felt and still feel so bad for Suzete, whatever is going on with her, she is in a lot of pain. I have always found her to be a kind and caring person.

I have been thinking a lot lately on why we are so effected by what others think of us, even on a forum that is anonamous. I think in part we view ourselves by how we perceive others to view us.

And this is a community, so our basic human needs would still apply...the need to be valued, to be heard, to contribute.

I know Suzete was very hurt from some emails we exchanged. I mean not hurt by our emails, but hurt on here. It seems while I can blow things off relatively easily, she can not.

Maybe former waywards need more than the rest of us to have others view them in a good light, so that they can begin to view themselves in that good light as well. I don't know. Just trying to understand the attachment thing.


Mr and Mrs. Suzete,

What ever happened here, in the big scheme of things this is not that important. Let it go and enjoy each other. And as some wise soul on here always says.."be good to one another".

Justuss,

My wife did request to be unregistered from the boards. However, she never said she felt she spend too much time on the forums. That was not the reason for her request. We still have all the posts my wife sent to you and other moderators.

My wife wanted to be unregistered from the boards AFTER she received many name-calling and attacks from one certain poster and after nothing was done by the moderators when those posts were reported.

Underneath is my wife’s last post to you:

From: “Suzet”
Sent: 13 August 2007 09:17 AM
To: 'JustUss2@aol.com'
Cc: 'tempestmb@yahoo.com'
Subject: MB FORUM - Request from Suzet_

Dear JustUss,

I send you a “reminder” of last weeks request since I see I’m still shown as a member to the boards. I have not yet received any response and/or action from Tempest in this regard and since it seems there might not be a way to delete my MB registration without “banning”, I will accept to be “unregistered” through the “banning” method in stead.

It’s really important for me to not be able to post and be shown as a member on the boards anymore. I want this decision to remain final and permanent and that’s why I need your assistance in this regard. Therefore I will really appreciate if you can adhere to this request and perform it as soon as possible. I’ve come to realize my existence on the boards is not good and healthy for me or others anymore and that I don’t belong there – especially since some of my circumstances are not totally in line with the MB principles. I’ve also noticed that nothing is done about abusive & hateful posts of some posters (behavior that’s clearly against the rules of posting on the boards) when such posts are reported to the moderators.

Should you require me to send you an e-mail from my linked profile e-mail address again before this request can be performed, please let me know.

Thanks in advance,
Suzet_

Oh my, it's another CONSPIRACY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kind of childish since Suzet could have just chosen...CHOSEN.. to not post any more. This would have led to less drama and that would not have satisfied her need to exit with "flair."

CHECK PLEASE.

Perhaps her point was to show that people ARE leaving this board because of the name-calling, personal attacks, and mob mentality that has created an atmosphere where its OK to treat people this way.

There have been several others...Ladyjane, 2BNormal, just to name a few.

She raised the concern why it appears that sometimes the TOS aren't being enforced evenly. Others besides Suzet have asked that same question...

Why is it against the rules for ONE person to say "that's idiotic" but ok for another to say "are you smoking crack?"?

And that's MILD compared to what's been said.

Call it drama...she's making a point...and one that several posters have also agreed is a good one.

Melody Lane, are you ENJOYING this???

Me thinks that a 12 Step program might be in order since she is now posting by PROXY.

jmho
committed

Well FWIW, I greatly appreciated Suzet's 2X4 to Skirmisher in June. She, more than anyone else, for whatever reason, got thru to him and really helped him see his own actions more clearly.

I only hope that she is doing OK.

Who

Owl, if she - or you - aren't happy with the way the board is run, the answer is to email the mods, or leave, not engage in this endless, distracting whining about the way the board is run. In fact, you have been admonished by Tempest yourself to knock it off.

Membership here is entirely voluntary, after all. Folks are always free to go start their own board if they don't like this one. This is nothing more than a needless distraction from the purpose of the board over someones hurt feelings.

Tempest to Owl http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=3&vc=1

#3012281 - 05/11/06 01:02 PM

I think the drama queen act is ridiculous and laughable, if that is what you mean.

The ignore feature and/or an extremely short memory works wonders, as well.

For me I can't remember from one day to the next who it was who said something nasty to me...so by the time the morning comes around everyone's cool again.

And if I ever set out to actually put someone on ignore, by the time I find where the dang feature is located again, I forget who it was I was going to ignore.

Age does have it's advantages.

OMG, I have to find that Texas thread again, as I have finally figured out what the difference between Texan's and Northerners is. And no it's not the size of our brains, although that might make for an interesting study.

Agree, weaver, this is all so ridiculous.

Mel-

I'm simply posting why Suzet left...point of fact, I did email Tempest last week, and am still pending a response.

How is your use of calling someone a drama queen acceptable, when someone saying that you are 'being idiotic' is not?

No, what I meant was, are you enjoying poking fun at Suzet?

I find the sentiment "if you don't like it leave" to be in fairly direct opposition to several teachings of Christianity, and a moderately humorous statement on a board for a site that is for the express purpose of NOT leaving a marriage but to instead stay and try to improve that marriage.

This site and this board are very powerful, and very needed for BOTH the BS and WS of the world. I don't want anyone to leave, and no one can make anyone change. I would just like to get to a point where nobody feels the need to shout in order to be heard, but that takes both parties to cooperate in order to happen. The listener needs to actually listen, and the speaker needs to realize that they are being heard and then stop shouting.

Shouting (name calling, belittling, fear-mongering, invalidating, "I'm right and you're wrong", etc.) doesn't tend to get anyone to listen any better than calm, kind, loving words. If someone is unwilling to hear your "truth" when spoken in a loving way, I think that there is a good chance that they will also be unwilling to listen to it if you shout it at them amongst a bunch of insults and judgments.

I applaud the people who are brave enough to stay and to try and make this community better, no matter their opinion or "side" or whatever. I applaud the visitors who are willing to come and actually listen to everyone, and absorb the knowledge that they deem useful to them. I would just like the shouters, no matter their "side" or opinion, to stop shouting. People will listen to who and what they want -- shouting I think will just scare away and/or force into further hiding those that are most vulnerable and in need of help.

Two laughing at someone? Intentionally or unintentionally?

I expected as much from the almighty MEDC, but BigKahuna, you do surprise me.

Regardless, as much as you may not like Suzet, it does not justify name calling and belittling of her or such callous disregard of her feelings.

Regardless of whether or not Justuss and MelodyLane are the same person (and I personally believe they are two different people), there is a distinct right of the Moderator to edit any post she/he might wish to edit.

I posted a rather pointed defense of that right on a thread that was a direct question posed to Justuss. My post on that thread was defending the Moderator's right to edit as they see fit and to enforce the rules of the system.

Interestingly, though, it was mere moments AFTER I posted (within a couple of hours) that defense of the Moderator's rights that the entire thread "disappeared." That was not the first time that an entire thread disappeared, so I inquired about it directly to the Moderator.

I was told that it was "moved," ostensibly to a "quieter" section of the forums. I searched the entire site, all of the forums, and the thread was nowhere to be found. It was GONE, "banished" as it were. It was "moved" right off the system and into "cyber-lost-in-space." Yes, in case anyone might wonder, I DO know how to use the SEARCH function of the system to locate any thread or post, so when it wouldn't even show MY post to that thread as even existing, I know that it was NOT "moved" to somewhere more "quiet," it was banished from existence.

Banishing an entire thread that was NOT offensive to anyone other than perhaps the Moderator is one thing, and while banning someone (a Member) is an extreme action that they also have the right to do, it would seem that it should be reserved for only extreme cases of total disregard for the rules of the system, not for disputes between members who don't like each other and let their emotions occasionally control their words, or even disputes with a Moderator.

I, personally, have been called many names by other members who have a difference of opinion with an opinion that I might hold. "Idiot" is mild compared to some of the words that have been chosen to post their disagreement. No such thread was ever banished and none of members who were posting were, to my knowledge, ever banned from all posting.

Threads have been locked in an effort to "preserve the peace" or at the request of the thread author, and that is fine and a good use of "Moderator power." But that only stopped a given thread, provided a potential "cooling off" period, but it did NOT stop anyone from posting elsewhere on any of the forums.

Be that as it may, this system, in general, HAS taken on more hostile and confrontational "tone" in my opinion. That "change in tone" has even been commented on by several members who have been around long enough to remember what it was like previously and what it has become. The "nerf 2x4's" that used to be employed on occasion when they were intended to be helpful have been replaced with lead pipes and floggings, in a callous disregard for the feelings of others on all too many occasions.

I have personally had several members email me with things that they were "uncomfortable" with posting on MB for fear of the "likely" responses from some members that they might receive. That is NOT how this "safe place" should be, but it is the reality of how much of the posting has been perceived.

MEDC is known for his ability, and his choice, to "Ignore users he disagrees with" but who are strong enough to "take his opinionated positions on directly." He COULD have exercised that very choice with respect to Suzet, but he CHOSE to attack her instead. And everyone is "surprised" that someone responded to his attacks, even using the word, horror of horrors, "idiot" to express their opinion of his opinions?

MEDC seeks to "marginalize" anyone who thinks differently than he does or someone who has the temerity to actually say that he might be wrong and argue FOR a differing opinion.

BK and I have disagreed several times on some issues or topics of discussion, but for the most part it has remained a respectful disagreement. Not so with MEDC. MEDC likes to "bring out the knives" and go on the attack, at least until someone has the cajones to meet him "head to head." THEN he resorts to name calling and telling everyone that he is "Ignoring" that person in an attempt to convince everyone else that whatever that person might say, MEDC disagrees with it and no one should consider anything from a member that MEDC has chosen to "Ignore." MEDC is, after all, THE authority on "right thinking" around here. If he can't "play in the arena of ideas," he attempts to marginalize those he disagrees with. That is who MEDC is, and I can "live with it." That's because he doesn't "define" who I am. But when he finds a "target" he can pick on who can't handle his overbearing style of posting, he really is unrelenting in his attempts to ridicule and hurt that person. "Christian Love" for others? I see little of that coming from MEDC, despite his profession of belief. It even seems as though he would have been one who would have "cast the first the stone" in response to the Lord's question.

MEDC has been hurt, that is a given because that is what brought him, as it has most of us, to this site. But that does not give him the right to attack and laugh at other people with impunity. It would seem that bitterness over his own situation spills over into his posts to others, but that's just my opinion.

"Evenhandedness" would seem to be the goal of a Moderator, but this incident hardly seems evenhanded. Regardless, it IS the right of the Moderators to do whatever THEY think is right concerning the system and the members of the forums.

In any event, I will, and do, accept Justuss' explanation of her reasoning and emails that none of us were privy to. Suzet will not have been the first, not will she be the last, to have decided that posting on MB is no longer "worth the time and effort, or who "worried" a subject to death for a while. Emotions DO that sort of thing to people.

As Justuss said, "the logical answer would be restraint" on the part of the individual member. I agree with that statement even though I also understand how emotional reactions can sometimes overwhelm the "logical answer" from time to time. Justuss has responded to me every time I have emailed her with an inquiry and she performs a difficult job very well. She has my respect even if I may have disagreed with some actions from time to time. She also is not a robot without feelings, so I understand her reasoning.

Therefore, I will "save" the Moderators the trouble of banning me, should they desire to do so or think that I am "pushing for banishment," and I will "retire" from MB, leaving it to the "good graces" of others to carry on the fight for saving marriages and recovering from infidelity. It is time to join so many of my predecessors and thank Marriage Builders, and the many members who offered generously of their time, wisdom, experience, knowledge, and opinions, for all the help that I received when my marriage was in shambles and throughout the long recovery process. While all "advice" was not always accepted as stated, all advice was carefully considered in the helpful way that it was intended, and was considered in my evaluation of the "appropriateness" of the advice to my given situation before being accepted or respectfully rejected. My deepest and most heartfelt "Thank you" to each and everyone who was there "in my hour of need."

The 5 years and 4 months that I have been a member of MB have been an honor and a privilege, both as a recipient of the generous help of others and for the occasional times I was able to be used by the Lord to help someone else.

May the Lord continue to be a "real comfort" to those who are His and may all know that He stands ready to help any and all who turn to Him for help. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." May Marriage Builders continue to be a place in the "Good Samaritan" sort of helpfulness to all who are dealing with and/or attempting to recover from the horrendous hurts brought on by infidelity.

God bless.

Oh dear, you better report that to the mods, OWL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Farewell, ForeverHers.....

God Bless you, too.

OK.

We are going to put this matter to rest so we can utilize this forum for the intended purpose------Saving Marriages!

I also have the past correspondence. I have not & will not copy & paste personal emails on the forum.

Suzet_ has had her post reposted for all to read. She has made her point several times.

SHE can no longer post, as she also requested, (senseless if she's going to now post under her H's name). I'm sorry she chose to do it this way.

Any problems or questions regarding MB policy, moderating, etc can be emailed TO ME rather than taking up space & time on the MB forums.

Thank you very much for your support & help!

Now! Lets get back to saving marriages!!

I have been here a very short time, but you had my attention and respect from the very first post of yours that I read ForeverHers. Thank you for the help and advice that you freely offered here, and know that it was of great use to me, and surely many many others.

Take care.

Actually it is not in opposition to Christianty at all, and your analogy of comparing a marriage to an internet board doesn't work. That makes no sense. We are not married to an internet forum. It is simply a truism about internet life in general. If you don't like how a board is run, the answer is to a) ignore what you don't like, b) leave the board, c) start your own board.

At this board, the board managers have requested that board problems come to THEM, rather than disrupting the board with complaints about it is run:



And that is a noble personal cause, but hopefully you realize that you only have the power to change yourself. You can't change others.

Suzet was there for me at the lowest point in my life. For that I will be eternally grateful.

She is right, however, when she says she is not fully in line with MB principles. She still works with OM. This lead to a break in NC a while back, where the EA was temporarily resumed. Exposure still has not taken place.

While being on these boards can be incredibly enlightening and enriching for a FWW who seeks change, they can't be the be-all, end-all. Maybe now is the time for Suzet to explore other options in order to grow as both a person and as a W.

Suzet, I wish you and your H great love and success in your journeys. Thank you for helping me when I was a desperate stranger in need. God bless.


KM

Well, I'm certainly not about to invalidate anyone's feelings or any such thing. Anyone certainly has a right to their perception of things...

BUT

The way someone handles things from that point forward is certainly a mark of maturity level.

I rank this one somewhere between 8th - 10th grade.

FH,

I hope you will link or copy your post to a fresh thread you create...many people would like to post to you, give you their thanks and remembrances...please don't leave it within Suzet's thread...where they are remembering her.

I, too, am considering leaving or cutting way back. The way I understood the locking of threads was that it was there, couldn't be bumped...still on the record.

Now that threads can go poof...I don't know if I can support this board. Like the board is gaslighting, as well as the members.

I was really disturbed...accountability is part of saving marriages. Where are we left if the board won't hold itself to it?

I hear you, FH. I believe many do.

And I believe newbies and others learn a valuable lesson here through ML, Mrs&MrW, BigK, MEDC, and others...that what they will do to others, they will do to you. Takes time and proximity. Change one of those to the best of your ability. We're either here to learn and grow, in part to give back as greatly as we received...and no, we really can't grow others.

LA

FH, you've got mail.

AGREE.

Hello all. I have no idea what this particular skirmish involved, I haven't had the pleasure of seeing a post by MEDC, and will form no opinions about this person without personal experience.

I loved Suzet_, my posts here, as of late, have been hit or miss, I don't really have the time I used to have to devote to posting here.

I also absolutely respect Melodylane and have never in any stretch of the imagination thought that she was Justuss.

I wasn't aware that people were so sensitive around here....sometimes I act quite idiotic, and wouldn't be offended if someone pointed that out.

Generally speaking I try to have respect for everyone. There are some people who may not appreciate my opinion, but that is there choice and my opinion doesn't make it the truth, just the way I see it.

Name calling, although juvenile, doesn't ruffle me one bit...I can't imagine anyone in cyberspace or in real life calling me something that would even rile me up....you know, the whole "sticks and stones" thing.

Okay, well that's really all I have to say about that, with the exception of I've missed you weaver, and Mel (we tend to gravitate toward alot of the same posts) and Froz......wazzzzup chicky.....missed ya *SMOOCH*!!

God Bless,

Caren

P.S.: Suzet_ e-mail me girl!