Is this really broken NC? - 11/28/09 09:08 PM
ST is all totally jumbled up. (posted on recovery, thought I'd best pop it on here too)
I'm on FB tonight and on my newsfeed a pic of FOM pops up. I feel instant nausea, the colour drain and start shaking.
(FOM is blocked, but a mutual friend decided to post pictures of a band night out - mutual freind now also blocked, along wiht another mutual friend who was also out last night)
I have been sat for the last hour or so trying to analyse my reaction and feelings about this. Not sure whether this is healthy or worth doing but it might help me understand myself more.
I have also phoned J to let him know what happened and my reaction. We had a short discussion about it which raised a few questions.
This is a list of emotions which I have been chewing on and their possible explanations:
The physical shock reaction: because through MB and my own work on A I have begun to think of A as a very very very nasty car accident. Totally filled with horror.
Guilt: Because I really reallybelieve in and very strongly advocate NC and I have very carelessly broken it. These mutual freinds have been very good at never mentioning OM, but it isn't their responsiility to vet their own photos incase I see them.
Sadness: The serious grief about all the time I wasted with OM when I should have been playing wiht my children. For letting him be a part of their lives. Those critical years of particularly DSs life when I was giving so much attention to OM when it should have been him having my attention: From when he was 19months til when he was past his 3rd b'day. More guilt.
Anger: that I allowed FOM to spend more time with DS than J had opportunity to.
And more anger because some tiny part of my brain says: it would be nice to sit and have a chat like old times. It's mental - pure mental.
J suggested it would have been good if I could have gone on that night out last night (where the photos were taken) so that I could prove that he means nothing to me and nothing else would happen...
J doesn't understand why it doesn't stop dead. Why is it that he can forget and forgive but I still feel anger at myself for ever going there.
Please bash bash bash away. I should maybe post on SAA. they'll be less gentle.
Should I have posted? My apologies to you BSs who are angered and sickened by WS pity parties. I wanted to get it out there (selfishly) and someone may find any post or debate following useful.
I'm on FB tonight and on my newsfeed a pic of FOM pops up. I feel instant nausea, the colour drain and start shaking.
(FOM is blocked, but a mutual friend decided to post pictures of a band night out - mutual freind now also blocked, along wiht another mutual friend who was also out last night)
I have been sat for the last hour or so trying to analyse my reaction and feelings about this. Not sure whether this is healthy or worth doing but it might help me understand myself more.
I have also phoned J to let him know what happened and my reaction. We had a short discussion about it which raised a few questions.
This is a list of emotions which I have been chewing on and their possible explanations:
The physical shock reaction: because through MB and my own work on A I have begun to think of A as a very very very nasty car accident. Totally filled with horror.
Guilt: Because I really reallybelieve in and very strongly advocate NC and I have very carelessly broken it. These mutual freinds have been very good at never mentioning OM, but it isn't their responsiility to vet their own photos incase I see them.
Sadness: The serious grief about all the time I wasted with OM when I should have been playing wiht my children. For letting him be a part of their lives. Those critical years of particularly DSs life when I was giving so much attention to OM when it should have been him having my attention: From when he was 19months til when he was past his 3rd b'day. More guilt.
Anger: that I allowed FOM to spend more time with DS than J had opportunity to.
And more anger because some tiny part of my brain says: it would be nice to sit and have a chat like old times. It's mental - pure mental.
J suggested it would have been good if I could have gone on that night out last night (where the photos were taken) so that I could prove that he means nothing to me and nothing else would happen...
J doesn't understand why it doesn't stop dead. Why is it that he can forget and forgive but I still feel anger at myself for ever going there.
Please bash bash bash away. I should maybe post on SAA. they'll be less gentle.
Should I have posted? My apologies to you BSs who are angered and sickened by WS pity parties. I wanted to get it out there (selfishly) and someone may find any post or debate following useful.