ST is all totally jumbled up. (posted on recovery, thought I'd best pop it on here too)

I'm on FB tonight and on my newsfeed a pic of FOM pops up. I feel instant nausea, the colour drain and start shaking.

(FOM is blocked, but a mutual friend decided to post pictures of a band night out - mutual freind now also blocked, along wiht another mutual friend who was also out last night)


I have been sat for the last hour or so trying to analyse my reaction and feelings about this. Not sure whether this is healthy or worth doing but it might help me understand myself more.

I have also phoned J to let him know what happened and my reaction. We had a short discussion about it which raised a few questions.

This is a list of emotions which I have been chewing on and their possible explanations:

The physical shock reaction: because through MB and my own work on A I have begun to think of A as a very very very nasty car accident. Totally filled with horror.

Guilt: Because I really reallybelieve in and very strongly advocate NC and I have very carelessly broken it. These mutual freinds have been very good at never mentioning OM, but it isn't their responsiility to vet their own photos incase I see them.

Sadness: The serious grief about all the time I wasted with OM when I should have been playing wiht my children. For letting him be a part of their lives. Those critical years of particularly DSs life when I was giving so much attention to OM when it should have been him having my attention: From when he was 19months til when he was past his 3rd b'day. More guilt.

Anger: that I allowed FOM to spend more time with DS than J had opportunity to.

And more anger because some tiny part of my brain says: it would be nice to sit and have a chat like old times. It's mental - pure mental.

J suggested it would have been good if I could have gone on that night out last night (where the photos were taken) so that I could prove that he means nothing to me and nothing else would happen...

J doesn't understand why it doesn't stop dead. Why is it that he can forget and forgive but I still feel anger at myself for ever going there.

Please bash bash bash away. I should maybe post on SAA. they'll be less gentle.

Should I have posted? My apologies to you BSs who are angered and sickened by WS pity parties. I wanted to get it out there (selfishly) and someone may find any post or debate following useful.

I see no contact from you or him. Your analysis of this is completely jumbled, as you mention.Think logically. You did not contact him nor did he you. Not even close to broken NC under any analysis.

Hi ST,
Long time since I've posted....absolutely no bashing here....
The anger within yourself is what started all of this for you...it's all about how you feel about yourself to begin with. Start looking deep within yourself and start nurturing your heart and soul. If you don't change the self-talk and the thoughts that you have, it'll only continue to haunt you.
There's no broken NC - this just shows you where you are at with your feelings about yourself and can serve as a compass to guide you as to how to reconstruct your self-image and eliminate your self-loathing.
Look into healing yourself from the inside out....you have to move forward and not look back. All these negative thoughts serve no productive purpose but to keep you paralyzed in your self-deprication.
Forgive yourself for the past and let it go....
Use some self-discipline here with where your thoughts go...you can do it.
Take care,
W

No bashing on here either.

Rule No 1 - We can't control others, only how we react or what we do with it. You have done all you can to exercise the demons/situations by being honest, owing anything and posting here.

Stay.. for ME... We all make mistakes. Some of us make harder, more hurtful etc than others. Who the HE!! am I to not forgive you or keep punishing you, when I would venture to say you have sought G-d and asked him for forgiveness.

In the end.. bottom line... HE is the ONLY one that matters.

Be good to yourself..

Relief. Thank you Zelmo.

Deactivated FB.


W, Thank you for jumping in too. I see sense in what you have said. I feel slightly warmer about myself. It's odd, but I think this is the strongest I've ever felt about trying to make things up, trying to put things right. How are you? What's happenning?


Thank you Queenie, Maybe this was just a gentle nudge to get me working harder to right my wrongs. I'm not sure whether I have asked for forgiveness...

hot choc, bath, bed and some reflection time - peaceful reflection this time

No time like the present. G-d is always there for ya...

I know TWO recovered FWS's on this forum who deleted their facebook accounts for this very reason. It is not enough to just block the OM and/or to have your spouse on facebook. The OP can pop up in this very way. I have had to look at my XH all week on my page being suggested as a friend because he is my son's friend.

This is why it is not a good idea to have a facebook account at all if you have had an affair. And perhaps even if you haven't had one. It is not worth it being triggered like this.

good job deactivating your account, ST! {{{{{{{{{{staytogether}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I really thought blocking someone on FB prevented stuff like this. It certainly has for me. OM and I have many friends in common. Now, when I go on my friend's pages, I can't see any trace of him. He doesn't even come up on their list of friends. If I try to search for his name, nothing comes up. I can't see anything he does on FB at all. I tried all of this out the day I blocked him, just to make sure.

I am one of the FWSs that Mel spoke of...I had something similar occur on FB with OM, and I canceled my account immediately too...Freaks you right out, I know...You handled it well, ST...You called your husband and deactivated your account - you stood for your marriage and family...GREAT JOB! FB is so not worth the drama, imo...You'll be glad that you are rid of it in the long run - it's a time suck anyway, eh? (((((ST)))))

Mrs. W

Hi ST,
Won't spend too much time on me...but you asked. I've moved on. My H told me about 4 weeks ago that he's not coming home, can't meet my needs, doesn't want to drag me through anymore drama and pain. He told our daughter the same. That he just can't shake this and feels he's too far gone to come back.
I'm done trying to Plan A, Plan B, reason, support, counsel, understand. I have all the data I need. I've done more spiritual reflecting than ever in my life and I've decided to let go. I'm giving it all to God. I'm going with the stream and really letting him go.
I have a life to live...I've suffered enough. I've cried enough. I've lost enough. Enough.
Now it's my turn.
I did tell him though, if he wants to divorce, it's for him to do. I won't do it. It's on him.
I am moving on with my life. Getting together with people and reconnecting to myself.
My daughter just moved out this past week. I am now alone in this big house.
Life is about to begin for me. God is driving this buggy...not me or H.
I feel we are on different tracks but I'm staying on my course. You cannot make somebody want you. No matter how wonderful you are. And I am.
I almost lost myself through this. Never again. No matter how much you love someone else...it's never okay to love them more than yourself. Never.
I tell myself all the time, "Who leaves a woman like me?" A confused, empty fool. That's who. Life will teach.
I feel no ill-will...towards neither of them. I believe what I put out will definitely come back to me. Good or bad..so I choose to focus on goodness...I bless them all and send them on their way. I await my blessings...and they're coming...
I am freeing myself from this bondage. I'm worth more than this agony.
I see a bend in the road ahead...where am I headed...don't know, but it's going to be great!
Take good care ST.
W

This is why it is soooooo important to have EP's in place.

The "ordinary" precation is block OM or OW from my facebook acct.

The EXTRA-ORDINARY Precation is to never have a facebbook acct. or deactivate the one we have.

Hey W,

I am very relieved that you are now on this road. YOu sound so so strong. Keep in touch won't you. Life will be great.

together.stay@googlemail.com

I am sending you an email....butterfliesrfree17@gmail.com

Thank you everyone for your hugs and support. Bit lost tonight wihtout FB, feeling a little gloomy. But I'll get over it!

Maybe I'm just old.

But I've got to ask.

Why can't you just contact people IN REAL LIFE?

That's how we've rolled for THOUSANDS of years, before FB,cell phones, even computers.

Maybe we'd all be better off without all of it...

IT's less intrusive. If you phone someone the communication has to be full on. Using FB you know if your friends are there and willing to communicate before you attempt to.

With a 6 and 4 yo and a H shift working we can't get out every night to see people IRL. Sometimes I have GFs over in the evening but they usually want to catch up with their other halfs then.

I guess it's just another addiction to break - something else will fill the gap. Slight lifestlye change.

FB allows me to have constant contact with out of state family. It allows me to see my nieces children grow up, to see pictures of family that I never would have been able to see. I allows me to be part of their lives that I wouldn't otherwise be able to do

I don't use my FB acct for networking. 95% of my 'friends' are family members. The other 5% are friends that I don't have time to interact with. Sad but a fact of a busy life.

t/j to Jojo! Great to see you, Jojo! I have missed you muchly!

Yes, but you can call them. No such thing as long distance charges any more, with cell phones.

Sitting in front of your computer, not speaking, not looking at the other people in the room, them not hearing what you're saying...just leads to Independent Behavior. Encourages it, even. If you're speaking out loud, you have to think about the other people around you, ask yourself whether you really need to keep talking for an hour, or just make it a quick 10-minute call, things like that.

Maybe that would be a good addiction to break.

I use FB for many of the same reasons as JoJo. With a 14 month old baby, there's just no other way that I could keep up with everyone. Even when I do try to talk on the phone, sometimes the baby is babbling so loud in the background that I can't even hear the person I'm talking to. I can't remember the last time I had an uninterrupted phone conversation. And, it's pretty difficult to share pictures over the phone (I don't have a cell phone with all of those extras and cannot afford one) and the mail definitely isn't free or efficient.

FB is a tool like any other. It can be used for good or bad. I don't think a blanket statement that no waywards should ever have a FB account again works. Should a wayward not ever have a phone again if they ever spoke to their A partner on the phone? Should they never work again if they had a workplace A, since even if they change jobs, they could just meet someone at the new workplace? Should they never have email if they ever emailed their AP?

I suppose I could unblock OM and contact him on FB if I really wanted to. But I could just as easily go to a pay phone and call him or set up a secret email account and email him. If your spouse wants to break NC, they will, with or without FB. I don't intend to do any of those things, by the way, but I certainly could if I were so inclined.