I am in love with my husband, period! <P>I have exerted so much energy into plan A, that I think I over did it. I am worthy of being loved, respected, and treated with dignity. Yes, I understand H is going through MLC and there's nothing I can do about it except watch him go through it. Well, who said I had to watch from stage left? I don't even have to watch from the front seat. I don't even have to watch!<P>I need a life and I'm taking my life back. I love my H and am willing to work on it. I am giving myself (not him) a timeline, and if at that time I am not happy with the situation then it's time to move on. In the mean time I will continue to treat him lovingly, but no more having his cake and eating it too.<P>I'm not waiting for him to make a decision, I've wallowed in misery too long. I am making a decision of my own! I know how to have fun, too, after all that's what attracted him to me. He can watch ME for a change!! 2000 sucked big time, but I will not let 2001 consume and suck the life out of me! Whose with me?!

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Okay, I'm feeling a little bit fiestier since my H dropped THE bomb on me ... and my meds are kinda kicking in, so Okay, lets do it ... 2001 will not be the same as 1999 and 2000 ... I love Steve, he knows it, he knows I accept his OCs, he knows I will forgive, he knows I'm willing to be a WIFE to him in every way and meet his needs, HE KNOWS where I stand. So .... Okay .... lets take our lives back. <P>Boy ... don't I sound strong, pray I can back it with constant and stable thoughts, deeds and actions. <P>Jo

Taking it to the top! And mean this emotionally as well as literally. We can do this guys! We'll be one another's moral support and keep each other company to the top. <P>Many Tears

I know you have been reading my posts so you know that I too have turned the corner in my thought of my h. I am not going to daily be dissapointed with our lack of progress. If he want to date this woman, then do it. But not from here. I won't live with it. I am ejecting it from my home.<P>The weird thiong id, the contact I thought he had with her in Vegas this week actually did not happen. But I set this boundry BEFORE he left. Darn it, it is the first one (esides not calling her while he is at home and supposed to be Dad) and I musst live up to it. I still plan to Plan A, but not right here. I love him too much, it hurts so much and I really thought we would be further along than we are. <P>I am going to protect myself, though. We need to meet with the therapist and figure out the best way to tell the kids with the least amount of damage. With luck the whole thing will make him see that I mean it, and it will jolt him into action and it won't occur after all. But I have not been very lucky so far...<P>It will be soon, but not until after Nov. 1 at least, we both have to sing in a concert for the AZ Vivaldi Festival.<P>Don't intimate D, just tell him you need your dignity and to respect yourself and your doing that by asking him to carry on his other life elswhere, but that you are willing to remain friends or in touch and will work on the marriage if he wants to. That is what I am doing. Plan A. That is still what I want to do. Just not in my house. I don't deserve the daily humiliation...

Burned Spouse---<P>I identify with so much of what you are feeling and sharing here on these posts. You are one of many who inspire me to do what I am doing. I draw courage and strength from you and others here. <P>I will be seeing H this weekend (hopefully) at his mother's birthday luncheon that is being thrown here at the house. Don't know if he will miss that, but he could. Anyway, I will tell him how much I love him, that I want to work on the relationship, that I am working on trying to remain his friend, Plan A when I see him, but that I'm letting go of the craziness. If he wants me, he knows where I am. <P>Instead of merely existing in life, I am going to enjoy it.<P>

I think that what you all are saying is what Plan B is all about.<P>I Plan A'd too long while my h was involved with ow (I didn't know about her at the time). When he did come back, I had more trouble getting over the affects of his poor response to my heartfelt Plan A than I did to the affair itself!

Many Tears and all.<P>This is such an uplifting post...yep 2000 has totally sucked...c'mon 2001.<P>Okay , let's keep this thread going into the next year and keep each other up...moving in a good direction.<P>I'm at work, will catch up with you all later, and thanks for giving me something to look forward to....a life without sadness every damn day.<P>~allison<BR>

Here Here Allison!<P>I'm so sick of feeling "SICK" and "HURT" and "SAD" and "ANGRY" and "RESPONSIBLE" and .... well you get the idea.<P>If we pull together and support one another, I think I can make it ... I mean, shoot ... do I have a choice???? Either I go thru this hurting or I go thru it happy, guess it's up to me.<P>I really do need help tho, I haven't got any kids to help me feel needed and with purpose. <P>Thank you MT for posting this.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Funny thing is that back in 1999 I couldn’t wait to see the year 2000. I was sick and tired of testing Y2K. I spent lot and lot of hours each day conducting a Y2K test. I just realized it now that by Christmas 1999, my wife seemed to be somewhat distant from us all. This included her side of family too. She didn’t seem to be happy. And I remembered that New Year eve, my wife was very quiet (I think she was thinking about the OM). Wow, that’s why she looked unhappy. Well, I didn’t know about the A until February 2000. That’s when my world turned upside down and Year 2000 sucks. Well, hopefully 2001 will be better for me.<BR> <BR>OOOO<BR>

Resilient,<P>Planned on starting a family this year, so like you I have no children. Lots of loving nieces and nephews that I dote on all the time. <P>We'll be okay, stay with us! <P>MT

Hi Many Tears:<P>Well, you're chanting my matra...moving on out and up...enough is enough.... <P>Five years, on and off, of this mess is enough...I'm with you...I'm getting back the joy in my life....because life's too short to spend it wallowing in misery.<P>Don't get me wrong....I still love him too...but believe that having me always available in the background has kept this mess going for way too long.<P>Going to get my hair cut and streaked...buy a few new clothes...and see what's waiting out there for me...it's gotta be better then this. <P>Join me anyone? <P>By the way, anyone try that makeover site that's advertising on MB...I did and it's kinda neat. Trying on the wild hairstyles and different colors had me and my DIL rolling on the floor...it was so funny. <P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<P> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 25, 2000).]

Everyone-<P>I have pampered myself to pieces and I LOVE IT! I have always denied myself the wacky things, or just the fun things. I even stopped seeing Chiroparacter to save money...BIG MISTAKE. I am a mess and degeneration is starting! Scary.<P>But since dday: <BR>-I have lost weight(a little), <BR>-walked a lot, <BR>-went to a beauty parlor and had my eyebrows waxed(first time since my wedding), <BR>-gone to the Christian Dior counter and had the works done(makup.) Then BOUGHT it! <BR>-I have had a few massages, <BR>-bought new clothes, <BR>-bought a new bike today so I would be interested in riding(I have hated mine for years) now that the weather is perfect here in AZ. <BR>-I got my hair repermed. <BR>-Bought Nads to remove my own hair-everywhere I want-and not get burned! <BR>-I never go anywhere without my Christian Dior makeup and perfume on! <P>I am a knock out! My H is blind as a bat, I have never looked so good!<P> Emotional Needs: attractive wife-Check! <P>Rock On girls spoil yourself!

Amen & Amen...<P>My h has been gone working away for home for so long..and I just sat home waiting on him to decide when he would find another job and be here for me and the kids to go out and live life..I started back to school last year..and started group counseling and individual counseling..and started going out w/ friends and living life..instead of letting life pass me by anymore..thats when <BR>h started getting mad..saying "I" wanted to live single..because "I" was tired of waiting on him to be here for me and the kids to have fun. but I have had to learn he's not responsible for me living life..I am..I can't stay home 24/7 anymore and wait on life to come to me..<P>I had an A and confessed it..trying to get H to decide which was more important..his job or his family..he chose his job..I have asked him to look for another job..he hasn't..but..thats his coice..and I am tired of being married to someone who is never here..so he moved his things out..and I'm moving on..he said he's going to file for divorce..I was hoping he would have decided we were more important..but..oh well..Life goes on..

Oh GOOD Faye!!!!!!!!!!<P>I'm so glad you're on board with us. You deserve happiness in your life so much, Honey. You're so special in so many ways. <P>Your H's gonna Freak Out, I'm telling you. He won't know what hit him LOL! ... you're gonna see a change in him ... one that you never expected, I know I'm right about this. But regardless ... you're not doing it to get him to change .... you're doing it for YOU, because you deserve some happiness in this life.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 26, 2000).]

Hey Girls,<P>Thank you for making this thread...it's just what I needed. I realized through my latest melt-down last night that I am setting the tone for my entire family...if I'm depressed, my kids are depressed, and we're all a big ole mess. I don't know why it's taking me so long to begin to feel better. It seems like I lag behind the rest of you.<P>Ok, I'm never gonna be able to finish this, as I have to work now (how rude of them to make me do my job! )<P>Take care you all. I'll catch up later if things are sane tonight.<P>Jo...I don't know whether having kids in this situation is a plus or not. I mean, having them is wonderful, but watching their pain kills me a little more each day. It compounds things.<P>Ok, PMA...PMS...whatever...on with my day!<P>~allison

Okay, how about we build on Burned Spouses' list of great things we SHOULD/WILL do for ourselves! <P>1. Join a Taebo class (that'll get your frustrations out).<BR>2. Always wanted to learn to play the piano, so I signed up for a class that means 2 hours once a week. Beats crying at home!<BR>3. Work out at the gym.<BR>4. Run/Jog, bike, hike<BR>5. Karaoke<BR>6. Makeover, love that one!<BR>7. Monthly massaages, more if you can afford it.<BR>8. Take a trip or go somewhere different just to get a change of scenery.<BR>9. Go back to church (if spiritual or religious).<BR>10. Buy an expensive piece of jewelry<P><BR>Let's get more on here!!! <P>Many Tears

Hi MT,<P>Okay ... I have done the following from the list you just sent:<P>1. Bought myself a new expensive beautiful watch AND got a new car, it was badly needed ... and considering I'm totally on my own, needed something reliable.<P>2. I go for monthly deep tissue full body massages, it's required since I was injured 1.75 years ago in horse riding accident.<P>3. Lora and I are planning to start church, I bagged out on her 2 weeks ago, but there's a raincheck in order.<P>4. I will not do/listen to/participate or be in any way shape or form, a Kareoke participant or observer. Major trigger, OW is a Kareoke Host and H helped her get there, one of their many business schemes together. Sorry. <P>5. Lora and I are taking a trip to AZ to our MB get together in January. Hurray for us!<P>6. They have Taebo classes here at work, I actually started them 1.5 years ago, but because of the A, I never attended. So I guess nows the time, right?<P>7. I have never worn makeup, never. I just don't like it, but how about a new hair cut?<P>8. I can start working out at our Gym here at work, I did twice a day in 1998. We'll see if doc says it's okay.<P>Do you know what I really want to do ... adopt a baby. I want to be a mom so bad, I love kids ... I wonder if it's possible?<P>Thanks MT for following up, Hon. What things have you done from the list?<P>Let me think about more items to add to BS's list and I'll post in a bit, K?<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 26, 2000).]

Okay, some more additions...<P>- Take a spur-of-the-moment trip to Hawaii (hey, Resilient, Lora, and other Washingtonians - flights from Vancouver, BC to Honolulu are only $175 RT!) <P>- Get a soothing facial<P>- Take a walk through the park<P>- Totally agree with MT on the makeovers, I specialize in glamour makeovers!<P>- Soak in a bubblebath with a Nora Roberts book.<P>- (Another good one for Washingtonians) Take an Alaskan cruise. Spoil yourself on the scenery and all-you-can-eat Lobster!<P>I'll think of more later. <P>PS - Not all Karaoke-Hoppers are bleached-out, wrinkled up old heffers on crack (oops, did I say that out loud? Not the sweet lil' Belle! )

Hi!<P>I'm from Hawaii, where should I go? You guys can come visit me here! I love the Northwest went to college there (SU). But, I definitely need a trip out of state. We locals say, "Get off the Rock." <P>I'm signing up for Taebo this week! Need to think about that expensive piece of jewelry. Haven't done the makeover yet, but since A, my hair has been cut, styled, permed, and cut again. My hair always takes a beating when I'm stressed or depressed, good thing it grows fast! Keep talking about going back to church, but haven't done it yet. Everything else on the list, I'm already doing.<P>I would love to have a baby, too. The thought of adoption has crossed my mind. Hmmm need to give that more thought!<P>Here's another for the list, aromatherapy. I recently bought bunch of candles, and oils. Great for bubble baths or just setting the mood for a quiet meditation. It's helped me to relax.<P>Stay positive, Many Tears

Island fever, eh MT?<P>I think Lora, Allison, BS, Buffy and anyone else who wants to claim their life back, should fly to HI to visit you and Mrs. O and Leilana. Leilana could entertain us all too! <P>I could use some warm sunshine, sandy beaches and tropical relaxation.<P>Anyone up for a trip to Hawaii???<P>Jo<P><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited October 26, 2000).]

Hi all,<BR>I love Hawaii. Too bad I just went there last year for three weeks. I stayed one week in O'ahu at the Hilton village, one week in Kaua'i, and one week in Maui. I would love to go there again. But it is quite expensive for me to go there from the east coast, especially for 4 people. But next year 2001, I'm thinking about Australia.<P>OOOO

I'll go! Pretty much anywhere... Hawaii or Australia.<P>Hey Jo is that why you were looking for Mrs O? Trying to get our rooms lined up? <P>And OOOO, hate to tell you this, but Australia is quite a bit further then Hawaii from the East coast! Great place to travel though. I have a friend who lives there and have visited quite a few times.<P>I love to travel. I hope I can afford to do it, but it is a high priority to me... maybe I could go without food, save money and diet at the same time.<P>I agree. The year 2001 will be good for us... its really the new melenium you know. We can pretend that whole 2000 thingy never happened and really celebrate this new year!<BR>Lora

WOW! You have inspired me. <P>Yesterday, I wrote a response to someone's post saying that I would not be going through all of this pain etc. if I didn't have 26 years invested in this man, etc., etc. I also expressed that I have resigned myself to my "lot in life" to stay and put up with everything that happens "to keep my family in tact" and "because I have invested so much of my life in this mariage." Wellllll, this thread is causing me to rethink that position.<P>Hey, I may be fiftyish, but I'm still an attractive, well-groomed, intelligent, educated professional woman. Why am I the one crawling under the rock to live out the rest of my life when I'm the innocent party in this sordid mess?<P>We have been "recovering" for 2 years, which have included a second DDay, visitation with OC on a weekly basis, and $10,000 in legal fees to fight OW frivolous lawsuits, to mention just a few of the dozens of problems we have had to deal with as part of the post-affair fallout.<P>I love my H with all my heart. We have spent 26+ years together, and I had hoped to grow old with him. But, I don't want to compromise any more of my own happiness than I have already compromised.<P>Please keep this thread's notion alive and well. It is strengthening and encouraging to read everyone's thoughts.<P>annie

Hi Anniem:<P>You go girl!! <P>It took me a long time to realize that 25+ years of as so-so marriage to which H was not willing to invest much effort into saving was probably not worth my effort to continue to save it either...not when there was another life out there that maybe could offer me some happiness.<P>Makes me sound like WS doesn't it...but the feelings are the same...except that I've tried for five years to fix things without any help from H. He's the one who had the affair...is still having the affair. He knows its not going to work out in the end...yet he's willing to sacifice our marriage to have what he has now.<P>Like so many here, I am just not willing to wait any longer for him to resolve his feelings. There are man out there who would have me with great pride in minute...why settle for someone for whom you are just "second choice" or not worth the effort to keep from losing. It's stupid and I won't do it anymore.<P>Maybe your marriage is worth saving...I don't know about mine...certainly not as it is. If you decide it is...well, go for it...if, not...then don't be afraid to let go. Life's too short to hold on to something just because it's familar. <P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<BR>

Hey Guys:<P>Wow, that Hawaii trip sounds great.<P>Had a chance to go last year but decided not to leave because it would put a hardship on my H and the business.<P>Stupid, Stupid, Stupid...that's one of the things I would like to do most...travel.<BR>Always put someone's needs ahead of mine.<P><B> Where did it get me? </B> <P>Alone and lonely. But thanks to all the help I've gotten here...no more. It's really just a mind set...setting yourself free to do for yourself for a change.<P>I'd also love to<P>...take a cruise, or a steamboat ride on the Mississippi, or the Alaska tour.<P>...sing with a country western band (I had offers)<P>...do some couples dancing (H didn't like it)<P>...take a bike tour or a raft ride<P>...join my community choir<P>...wear a pair of 5-inch sling-back heels and a low cut black dress that stops about mid-thigh.<P>I haven't begun to think of all the possibilities....but my mind's open now...thanks for the rotto-rutter service, guys. <P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye <P><BR> <P> <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited October 27, 2000).]

Hey Lora,<BR>Glad to see you on this thread! How are things going with you? <P>AnnieM and Buffy--<BR>Better days ahead, right?! Buffy, when you wear that low cut (to mid-thigh, lol ) dress with the 5" sandals, be sure to strut your gorgeous self in front of H to the arms of a hunk of a man! Make that two hunky men!

Okay "Getting a Life" MBer's!!!!<P>What are we doing for OURSELVES this week-end???<P>I want to hear back .... I want to hear that each and every one of you are doing something cool and fun or constructive to "love" yourselves!<P>If you can't come up with ideas or if your depressed and feeling low, tell us why and we'll help you get motivated. It's important and you ARE IMPORTANT and deserve a good week-end.<P>Waiting ....<BR>lv,<BR>Jo

If y'all are serious about a Hawaii trip, I would love to do it. My H said NO to Arizona , because we have our money "stretch" getting ready to start in December (Dec. 5th - mom's 47th b-day, Dec. 25th - Xmas, January 28th - 4 year dating anniversary, Feb. 14th - Valentine's, March 11th - son's b-day, April 15th - H, H's 2 twin brothers, and stepdad's b-day + 1st half property taxes, May 3rd - my b-day, June - MIL's and FIL's b-days and anniversary.) So maybe around August or September? Seriously, I'm probably going to go anyway since flights out of Vancouver are so cheap. I know of a cozy hotel that's inexpensive and has all of the amenities - and is ACROSS THE STREET from Waikiki beach!<P>Gosh, I'll answer Jo's question, even though I feel I have absolutely no business on this thread (I don't feel that my hell and the way I'm handling mine quite compare to the rest of you amazing ladies!). H is going "fishing", but there's something fishy about THIS fishing trip. He's going with a friend I've never met before, at the same time he has a new lab partner in his class that he keeps talking about. And she's going to try and get him on as a nurse's aide at her job. Hmmmm. I am definitely going to drop by his class this week and meet the chickie (I'm getting my nails done, my hair colored, and living in Lancome self-tanner this weekend first). <P>Anyway, that was a tangent! My self-indulging plans are a facial, hair color, getting my pink-and-white french manicure back on, and bathing in self-tanner until I look like Miss Hawaiian Tropic! H and I will probably karaoke Saturday night since we haven't in a couple of weeks. We're also going to go see a movie. <p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited October 27, 2000).]

C'Belle, please share the Waikiki hotel info!!!!!!<p>[This message has been edited by wesse (edited October 27, 2000).]

Hey Belle:<P>You know for years I settle for less then I wanted because I was married and that's the way my H wanted to live his life. We did things his way and did the things he wanted to do. Well, he left me for a totally different kind of life...the seedy side of life. What did that say about what I gave up for him...it certainly wasn't appreciated.<P>If I could take that time back I would have spent more time making myself happy. I really think it would have made the marriage happier too. I just wish all you younger woman could realize this before you spend all those years trying to make things work for someone else.<P>Marriage should not be a death sentence for women...caring for our children, H and home and getting lost in the schuffle. I paid for my H's career with years of my life and he walked away without a backward glance. Even if my marriage survives it will never be the same...because I will never be the same again.<P>Sorry to be posting so much today but I'm on a high and there have been too few lately.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye <P><BR>

wesse - The one that I like to stay at is the Outrigger Royal Islander (I think that they just changed their name, but they're still an Outrigger hotel.) They have nice, clean rooms with patios. They are a little on the small side, but they're inexpensive (besides, if you're visiting Hawaii, how much time do you expect to stay in the room?) You also get all of the amenities of the Outrigger Reef Beach hotel across the street, which is a FABULOUS hotel with a pool, bars, restaurants, and it's right on the beach! <P>Faye - To hear that scares me, it really does. I do feel like I've lost my identity in many ways. As many know, I used to be a professional wrestler, and I ended up turning down a contract offer with the WWF because I was pregnant. H didn't understand my wrestling, he said it was "stupid and fake." But I enjoyed it, I had wanted to do it since I was little, and now I can't - I gave it up for my family.<P>My H also enjoys the seedy side of life. He does fine when I'm with him, but if I go out of town, he is out at the bar doing God knows what with God knows who all night, every single night that I'm gone! I want my marriage to work, so my only alternative is to not travel without him. <P>I've lost most of my longtime friends, simply because most of them think my H is a sleazebag. My mom rarely has us over because she can't stand him. I feel like my H now constitutes most of who I am, and I hate it! I don't even trust him in his school class since he's the only guy in a class of 30.<P>I am scared that I'm wasting my time on him. I'm in the minority of one who hopes that I'm not.<p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited October 27, 2000).]

Tonight, work out at the gym and catch up on some much needed sleep.<BR>Birthday party for MIL at my house on Saturday.<BR>Hiking on Sunday.

Don't forget ladies. Codependent behavior is not a life time sentence either. You can get counselling, join CoDa(Codependents Anonymous) or at least get some books on the subject. Once you recognise the behavior, you can begin to nip it in the bud. I am a recent member of CoDa and am very happy learning and talking about how it makes me act, view things, react to things and respond to things and people and certain situations. It is confusing if you are not familiar with the concepts, but it is a help to me. Iy is helping my H to be doing the workbook with outr therapist. He is not in my CoDa group-thank goodness! I talk about him enough~!<P>This weekend I was going to the State fair, going to soccer(my son's game) and going to shop for my new choral group uniform--Black lunging neckline and full, long skirt--all black! Good Luck!<P>But now I will have to see. Someone rear-ended me while driving to my chiropractor. He was able to take exrays right away. Strange. I had just had a new set made two weeks ago, you cannot imagine the damage that a minor collision can cause in the spine! Unbelievable! I am in a bit of pain, to say the least. So my weekend is going to be curbed! Darn! But I'm okay, the only thing damaged was the trailor hitch! (and me a bit!) <P>

Well, I'm off to Dallas for the weekend. Going to a gymnastics meet with DIL and kids and then spending night with daughter. <BR>Lots of riding, noise and sitting, but it will be fun. <P>Hey Belle:<P>There's certainly still time for you if you want something. You're still in your twenties aren't you? I think I could have managed to have at least some of what I wanted...if I hadn't been convinced by society that what H wanted was more important (seven years of college and law school). I did get my decree...but wanted to live in a big city...we came home to his home town...wanted to teach college...settled for high school...wanted to sing in country western band...he didn't like the places we would have to play...was just easier to forget about it. Don't make the same mistake. Go for your dreams.<P>BS:<P>Are you saying you think Belle and I are Co-dependent? Never thought about it. Thought that was mostly just someone who has problem with addiction. H's not addicted to anything (except OW)....just stupid. Am I wrong about this? Could we be co-dependent?<P>Sorry about that rearend...hope you don't have whiplash...that can hurt for a while.<P>Hey I know where you can find a sleazy attorney if you want one!!!! <BR> <P>Everyone have fun this weekend...we need it.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye

Jeez Beth,<P>You OK girl? Sorry about the accident, you know how crazy it gets in this town when it rains...scared me to death to drive in it today.<P>I've read a little bit about co=dependency, and I do think I need to work on this. Are there several CoDa groups around the valley? I'd be interested in seeing about going to one. Can you give me any info on it?<P>You sound a little better Beth. Have you and your husband talked any more about his moving out? Sounds like you're really looking forward to your singing performance...it's great that you two still can do that together. Makes me feel like he really does like his life with you Beth, and maybe he does realize all he has to lose.<P>As far as doing something for myself this weekend....hmmmm....I'll have to think about that one. Jo..how dare you give us such a tough assignment. I'm kinda broke so it'll have to be cheap, my massage and facial days are a distant memory at this poing (ok, sorry, no pity party)<P>Ok, I'll give myself a darn pedicure...and buy a new bra! LOL...side effect of weight loss, damn underwear doesnt' even fit anymore. Maybe one of those water-bras, those are pretty cool, have you guys (women I mean) seen them? <P>H will have the kids Sunday...boy am I having a hard time when they're with him. My lowest possible times. When he picks them up I just want to be with them all, like we used to be. We always did a lot together, movies, sporting events, out to eat, now he takes them and I dont' go (darn this pity party keeps showing up). So Sunday, I'll go to Church and maybe rent a great old movie. <P>I am going on and on here about nothing. If anyone gets through this thank you...I'm feeling lonesome tonight. Just came from my kids homecoming game. Have two theories on going to these things alone:<P>1. It's really weird...sitting alone at events like this. <P>2. I got checked out by the cutest man! , so it was not a total loss.<P>Ok, enough yakkin...congrats you guys on getting out of your funks and giving us all the wonderful encouragement you all do. I'm right behind ya'.<P>allison

Hi,<P>Just wondering how everyone's weekend went? There seemed to be quite a lot of activity on the site that I missed. Anyone do anything special for themselves?<P>Many Tears<BR>

AZ-<BR>No i have not talked anymore about his moving out. He is reluctant, naturally. But I am not backing down. I even told him again tonite. If he is going to make plans to have a physical rendevue, then he must live elswhere. I can't take it. <P>I was very wrong to think I could have been okay with it if I knew the truth. Nope, I have found that it is not realistic. I do not want him sleeping with her, period. I get nothing. He can't have her and be sleeping(only ) next to me. No way. If he needs her, he needs to move out. I must protect myself and show respect for myself.<P>About Coda, yes there is a list I will bring it to you next time we have lunch. I wish you could join mine, but it is too far from your home to be let out at nine pm, Weds.<P>And Faye etc--they say that every alchoholic, drug abuser, etc is codependent, but not every codependent is an addict. That is true. I am living proof. Wives of addicts are also codependent. (Making sure your world appears to others normal, bailing out the addict out of tight spots(calling work-sick, living on no $ when addict spends it all, make excuses to hide his addiction...) <P>It is putting other needs and concerns above yours, trying to control situations that you should leave to God(and feeling frustrated when it doesn't work out,) do things for others because you think they are not really capable(even of every day things!), basing self worth on how other perceive you, feeling lovable only if you are loved in return, fear of other's anger or negative impressions, Ignore your own wants and values and opinions to agree with those around you, steadfastly loyal-even when it is unjustified or even personally harmful.\<P>It is based in insecurity resulting from childhood and the atmosphere in which we were raised, or experiences that effected in us the need to hide, but control our world, even though we can't. <P>This is a long list and it goes on...get a book out of the library on it and read up. 90% of people are codependent and don't know it. There is relief out there, but you have to have the courage to recognise it and not be afraid to change--for the better! And finding respect for yourself, and true inner peace and strength from yourself!

Hello all of you Phenomenal Women!<BR> Haven't checked the board for a 2 or 3 days, and I just realized that it's because I have been so busy working at my full-time job, tending to domestic chores: cooking, cleaning, laundry, leaf raking, grocery shopping, makibng OC a halloween costume (it's adorable!!) etc. Also, son home from college for weekend and I was helping him with a major paper, which means I was doing most of the research. Sign!!!! I'm beginning to realize more and more than I am my own worst enemy.<P>I should have been: having a manicure, shopping for some drop-dead-gorgeous new clothes (even though we can't afford it with alll the child support we have to pay), having a manicure, facial, or bikini waxing (yikes!!), taking a long walk in the magnificient autumn landscape...But, no, I felt responsible for doing all the other stuff because I am "wife and mom" and that's my job!!! Horse pucky!<P>See what not coming to this board for a few days does? Ladies, I really NEED a daily reminder of my self-worth and qualities as a PERSON, not just someone's wife, mom, sister, etc. I know that may sound contradictory coming from a woman who is so devastated by H's affair and wants so much to have a happy, meaningful marriage. But why must we women be expected to sacrafice our very beings in order to make those who love us happy? I don't think that is what marriage means, nor did I realize until now that I HAVE lost myself in this marriage.<BR> BUT...I can't place 100% of the blame on others. I put myself in this position without realizing what I was doing, and now I am really the only person who can do something about it. Unfortunately, after all these years, it may mean that I must sacrafice my marriage to do so. AHHHHHHHHHH<BR> I will come for my daily dose of encouragement that I get from reading your comments filled with courage, strength, and spirit. I know all too well how tough it is to maintain those feelings when dealing with so much emotional trauma. Thank you for being here.