OK,
I love all of your advice that has been given to Randy to wake up and to stop feeling sorry for himself! Only if he could just hear the voices that are behind the well written advice.
What Randy is looking for is someone that will tell him exactly what he wants to hear. Once he hears (reads) that advice, bamm! He will run with it! Someone has managed to do that! May I ask what is the point of greiving on a site that is for building your marriage and not destroying it? Go find some other website that is for people who want to share their grief about their affairs! This is for rebuild a relationship or to help. Am I wrong???
Please reframe from negitive advice! What good will come out of it? Randy and I have been at a stand still. I am trying to desperately help salvage our marriage. But my hurt comes up to often. It is still fresh, very fresh in my mind!! Randy's problem has been letting go. No matter what the situation has been, he can't let go for what ever the reason it may be.
Please Keep the positive advice along with darn hard reality check coming Randy's way. It is nice to know that there are people out there that really cares enough!
Thanks,
Ali

hmmm...well I haven't even read anymore of his posts since he asked for no more negative comments. As long as he is seeking for a "yes man", I see no need to reply. I am one of the worst ones to reply to either a poster dealing with an on-going affair or one who is so much into the "pity me" whatever side of the triangle they happen to inhabit.

Yes, each of us have our pain in the situation, doesn't matter if you are the BS, the WS, or the OP. And I am more then willing to validate your feelings, but I am NOT willing to "pat you on the head" and tell you what a poor victim you are.

I can't imagine dealing with Randy...while I do understand that he's going to go through a period of grieving for what he thought he had, his attempts to find someone to agree with his stand of "poor little me" is one that really "burns my butt". The fact that he is struggling is normal, the fact that he is trying his best to get pity from everyone is bad enough, but the fact that he is trying to burden you with all his "pity me" is galling. jmho

Until he's willing to drop the "pity me" stance and come here for real advice which will often NOT be what he wants to hear...I've got nothing to say to him. Someone can talk till they are blue in the face, but until you're ready to listen...someone is wasting their breath and their valuable time which is better served in answering someone who wants to hear the truth, even if it's not what they wish to hear.

I will however talk to you anytime you'd like! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree Wifey!

He is so caught up with himself that I think he feels comfortable feeling sorry for himself! He is very dramatic! And is family who feeds into his drama is worse than he is! Apples don't fall far from the trees. I thought he was different. It took 15 years of me knowing him to see this side of him! This is a side of Randy I didn't think existed! I am still confused and hurt! Now angry feelings are really starting to take over! It is so confusing. I wish I could change him back to the happy go lucky person that he once was! But we all know I can't make that happen! But I can't stand to see him the way he is! YES, it hurts! Yes to the sleeze that he had screwed. And yes, it hurts not knowing if he loves me or not! Yes, it hurts that he is not the same. But maybe he will find peace with himself one day. Only time will tell!
I don't want to be in a relationship/marriage if he doesn't love me? But clues are coming my way everyday. He is making promises to me and breaking them. He promises me that he will stay away from the alcohol because it feeds into his sorrows! But then goes out and drinks! Like right now, he is getting a full sceening for the job he accepted and I am sure he is going to meet up with his buddy afterwards for a drink! His mood and alcohol? Great combo! I have enough on my shoulders right now! Sounds like a need for a different site huh? Well, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt But I don't trust him! I don't even trust him when he says I love you! So fake!
By the way, this job that he will be taking, he will be away from us 3/4 days a week! Can you believe this? I AM SO FRUSTRATED! I am trying to figure out Gods plan! Cause I am confused to where my life is leading me!
Well, bye for now!
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali,

So ... nobody suppose to bash your WH but you ... LOL !, just kidding!.

WH is not in-love with you ... not yet, it requires 4 rules of recovery to gain it back. Meanwhile he has to be willingly gather himself up and try. So far "por nada" !.

We have warned him about loosing you ... it is a matter of time. IMVHO. He is the type that know what to do but find excuses to avoid it !. MyInsanityMadeMeDoIt type of a guy.

-rh-

Oh Redhat please continue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You and a few others are so right on target with the advice! And for the constructive bashing of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I know there is only so much a person can say!
I am getting pretty tired of the games that he is playing with me! I told him to go. And I told him to go back to the Attorney that he saw Wednesday to find about divorce! Serve me the papers! See what happens! My heart is truley breaking, but like I said before, I don't want to be with someone if they don't want to be with me!
Anyway, until tomorrow these are the days of our lives!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Ali

Ali...My H and I had a problem with his abusive drinking before, during and after his affair. It was a very large boulder blocking our path to recovery for quite a long time. So I do understand, has this been a problem before the affair business? It seems that many affairs go hand in hand with the drinking.

I remember that I wasn't sure about my H's love either. Yes, he told me he did, but I'd look at him and see all the evasions and the down right lies (about drinking) and I didn't believe him. He continued to lie about this issue and he put both of us through a much harder time of healing from the betrayal and trying to regain trust because of it. Thankfully, he has put a stop to this, but it sure didn't happen over night, took several months of some royal battles...which isn't really the best way to address this issue, but I tend to tread where angels fear to go. If he does have a problem with this, get in touch with Al-Anon...it's a good program and will help you avoid the mistakes which I made and give you some valuable information.

You're recovery is going to be effected by his being absent part of each week. You and Randy are really going to have to figure out a way to communicate so that he can reassure you while he is gone. LOTS and LOTS of phone calls, IM on computers, emails, whatever is needed.

What did he say when you told him to go back to the lawyers and file? I realize that this isn't something you want, and I honestly don't think it's a great thing to bring into the conversation unless you do want it. jmho BUT...I do understand that you have a right to take a stand, if he's unwilling to work on the marriage, then you can NOT make him. You should set YOUR boundaries...then it's up to him if he feels he can live with them. The thing about setting boundaries is they have to be what you can live with also, and you must know in your heart and be willing to walk away if they are crossed. This can be very, very hard.

Praying right along with you!

Hi Ali,

I read your posts and know you are hurting, but also see a lot of frustration in dealing with Randy’s indecisiveness now. I’ve been down this road a bit, dealing with an affair that was much more serious than yours (three years, including them planning to divorce and start a family together), but having the advantage of being coached through a good bit of it by a Marriage Builder coach. D-day for us was December 2001. So early last year, I was in the same situation as you. Today, my wife is the one more active in the coaching sessions, and we’re finally in recovery. It’s been quite a turnaround from the past few years, and I’m very optimistic. But some thoughts on some things you’ve written:

I love all of your advice that has been given to Randy to wake up and to stop feeling sorry for himself! Only if he could just hear the voices that are behind the well written advice.

He’s not going to hear any of this. He’s just lost the love of his life – the person that filled him with excitement, made him feel so special, filled that void in his life. If he is similar to my wife, he saw this other person as his true love and soul mate in this journey of life. For 6-9 months post D-day, my wife was in withdrawal. Mourning the loss of her soul mate. Not wanting to go forward with our marriage, not wanting to leave because of the effect on our daughter, but just wanting to be left alone. What can you do then? Well, no Love Busting – because it is the only thing that will get through that layer of withdrawal now, but it’s only going to push him further away. Telling him what he should and shouldn’t do, what his problem is, why he can’t let go – all of these coming from you are Disrespectful Judgements. I hate to tell you this, but even in the best environments (and I was being coached heavily through D-day and the months following), your husband probably still has months until he’s going to pop out of this and commit to working on your marriage. It is going to be a very trying time for you. (A true commitment from my wife probably did not come for 12-14 months post D-day).

But my hurt comes up to often. It is still fresh, very fresh in my mind!!

All I can tell you is that, with time, it will get better. In our situation, OM was a close friend and very much a part of our family, our vacations, our hobbies. It took quite a bit of time before the visions started to fade away. Actually, it took a lot of effort making new memories that my wife and I share, to paint over the old ones of him. But it’s not an overnight process.

Randy's problem has been letting go. No matter what the situation has been, he can't let go for what ever the reason it may be.

The reality though is that the OW filled a void in his life. At a minimum, she met EN’s that you didn’t. In my own situation, the OM met EN’s as well as didn’t have the history of hurt and LB’ing that my wife shared with me. She had a hard time letting go. She still has occasions where she is withdrawn because she has memories of him, or thoughts about how it could have been different. We went through some of that last month, when she found OM was now divorced. But she’s very Open and Honest with me now, and we talked through some of that, and I gave her space to grieve. Yes, it hurts me to know she’s still going through this. But LB’ing is not going to pull her closer to me.

And yes, it hurts not knowing if he loves me or not!

Ok, let’s just get this out of the way. He doesn’t love you. Period. Now, is it possible that he loved you at one time, with the same intensity he had for OW? Absolutely. But the most important thing is that he can have feelings of love for you again, and as well you can have those feelings for him too.

Alli, have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, I would suggest going to the Marriage Builder store and ordering it quickly. It will really help explain a lot of what he is going through, reaffirm the feelings you are having, and provide some guidance and direction on how to recover. This is not going to be an overnight process though, although I wish I could tell you he’s going to snap out of it and be Mr Wonderful this afternoon at 2:18 pm. Good luck to you.

P

PS. As for the job away 3-4 days a week, well, that is going to be difficult. I found that my wife got very disconnected when she did business travel. Now it’s reduced as much as possible, and when she does have to travel, we talk several times per day, and as well I send her e-mails she reads at night. As for the attorney, and telling him to just make up his mind and file, I think you need to work at this a bit more before that stage. And then I would recommend Plan B prior to Plan Divorce. I might feel differently if you didn’t have a child.

I am being censored every minute so I want to make this short.

One major hurdle was taken care of yesterday as I was offered a position near Chicago.

But the group knows this is not the "real" hurdle. The real hurdle is repairing the marriage.

The void that was filled during the affair was real. I will not say anything else.

I am at a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I need to make a decision on whether or not on want to stay married and work this out or is it time to leave???

I am just not ready yet.

I still love my wife but I have a void that hurts.

My wife does not want to understand and neither does the chat group. I need to work on the relationship but I still hurt.

DAMN IT!!!! I KNOW MY WIFE HURTS MORE THAN I!!!

Randy,
You are still in lots of pain...I know cause I've been there. Just promise one thing....you will keep coming here and reading the messages, because I think there is hope for your marriage. When the pain lessens a little, you will be ready to restore your marriage, and I can promise you that the 'stuff' I've read here and the advice I've gotten is turning mine around.

Of course you hurt.....you can't stop that pain, you have to get through it. But there will come a day when you will be 'well' enough to listen to advice from others who have experienced what you have gone through. Stay in touch, Diane

RANDY,

You are not being censored you are running away from your own thread. Actually it is a bad idea to hop in here. You should start a new thread is you have new questions or vents or issues or you could reply in your own thread. IMVHO. you could lurk but to posting in your SO's thread and aslo it is true for your SO.

Anyway, no one say that there is no void or your A is not real feeling. Everyone could make mistake but what defined you is "what are you going to do about it ?". Your SO is willing to work on M and filling your void and I have no doubt she is capable ... she was filling it at one point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . How about you ?. You keep picking at this wound ... it would never heal ... and I hope you won't cause infection to other aspect of your life.

I am going back to pull weed at my yard. -rh-

one more thing ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>I am at a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I need to make a decision on whether or not on want to stay married and work this out or is it time to leave???

I am just not ready yet.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know crossroad has 4 directions and one idle point. Staying put is not an option ... you are hurting your SO by staying put.

-rh-

ali- i know i dont know you both, and i know i am also much further along. i do remember the beginning though---i dont think i will ever forget.

i have to ask---why are you hanging on to him???

the other who know me here know i have never in 2 yrs posted something like this to someone. he sounds out of his mind-are you sure you are safe around him??? let him go and concentrate on you and sick child. maybe he needs a dose of reality. and also some medication

Hi Ali88! I do sincerely hope and pray you and RR make it - I have responded to a few of his posts and agree with you - he is looking for a 'yes man' to tell him what he wants to hear. The only 'yes' that needs to be said is: "Yes, Ali my wife, I have screwed up and I want to go to Marriage Counseling with you, my Wife and let's make our Marriage work and we WILL get back what we had before. And I will guard my heart." That is what I'm hoping and praying RR will say and do!
Sincerely, Harold

Good evening to all!

I kicked Randy out of the house today. He continues to mope about her! I had enough! I am feeling very numb! It is so strange because my stomach will not stop the turning and tossing! I am afraid I going to end up with an ulcer! I can't cry out my feelings because I am safe guarding them!
Mr. P..... I agree his EN were not meet when he was 1200 miles away! How could they be? Physically that was impossible! But I sent him care packages, I had sent him e-mails and Ecards to him, I called him and told him how much I missed him, love him and couldn't wait to see him etc.! I counted down the days until I saw him! And told him that! I ALWAYS look to the better said of things. I knew the arrangement would not be permant and that kept me going! I thought to myself all the time, that we will be together soon! But he decided to go through this affair! Funny thing, I could have played the lonely house wife thing! I have friends who are doctors and they have doctor friends that are extremely good looking and noticed me. I had the chance but that shows you how committed I am to my H. I love my H.
He on the other hand did something completely out of character of his nature! I was proud that he was doing so well at his new job. I thought that this arangement was a minor set back in our M but we have been through so much that we could take on anything! I thought he loved me! And the sad part of this whole mess is....We talked it over before he accepted a position any where out of driving range that me and the boys would have stay behind because we did not want to pack up and leave only to find that he hated his job and we'd be stuck financially. Plus then we found out our youngest needed major surgery so I was really forced to stay behind!
This OW was a drug to Randy! That is my aspect! He did not really love her. Besides that is what our MC saidt! His idea of love is that feeling of "newness"! She said it better than I did! But once she started to hit some rough spots w/Randy, he stopped going!
Our next door neighbor, also our pastor, said Randy needs a Phychiatrist (sp). He and his wife are in total shock of Randy's behavior! Like I said earlier; Who are you and what did you do with my husband"?
I will never make him feel the way she did! That makes me very hurt! It makes want to call this hobag and chew her a new one! But we all know that won't do a thing! I know I once made him feel special! The look in his eyes told me that! He told me that(today) she did something to him (yea, screwed him up for me. Thank you very much) and made him feel alive! Yes, because he was happy at his job! I haven't seen him feel that way about his job in a long time! So bamm, He's happy, hobag is right there and not loving wife and you know what happened next! I should have been there! I was forced to stay here for several reasons! I wanted to be with him! I cried several times at night because I missed him! This house is so big and felt so empty even with the kids here! I hated turning the lights off and knowing that I wouldn't see his naked butt in the morning taking a shower ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I missed him!
Now, I get the pieces from this reckage! She got him when he was happy now I get him again in a depressed mood! OH JOY! But this is far worse than ever before his lost positions! He is treating my like trash, he is not paying attention to my feelings, he definitely lacks any empathy! I am not sure what to do here! I want to work this out but if he is unwilling then it is time to say goodbye! It hurts saying that! I know one day he will be happy and I am hoping that I am by his side when he does! But if this continues, I will have to follow what the right thing is! What ever that might be! Do I make you all sick or what??? I hate that I am so freak'in positive! I sometimes think it works against me!
By the way, Did any of you BS's -he hee, that cracks me up, start to dream about your ex boy/girl friends etc? I have one guy that keeps popping up in my dreams. I not sure if I am protecting my self. But this is crazy! I don't even want a relationship with anyone! Randy keeps asking, why don't I have an affair? He says, that he wishes I would? What so he can find an legit excuse to leave me? I told him where the door is. If he doesn't want to stay... then go!
Who knows when he will return again. My nails are all chewed off! OK, must go not. Please continue to post replys. You ALL are helping me so much!
But Diane, You are telling Randy exactly what he want to hear! He is using you as an excuse and it is not working for him! He is not focusing on what needs to be done! You are giving him the excuse to feel sorry for him self!
Thanks to all,
Ali

oh, note book dude,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers! Deeply appreciated!You can always tell geniune people! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali, I am so sorry you are going through this. Heck I am sorry I am going through this. I would do as you are too. Honestly, I think this moping is due to the affair not ending with him seeing her fault clearly. He is only remembering the good and ignoring the bad. He is only seeing the bad with you and ignoring all the good. I do believe it is what they call the fog.

He needs counselling, to work through his issues. They are mainly his issues and unfortunately, you have to deal with the fall out.

My husband woke up when I threw all his stuff at his work's door, in front of everyone. That was where he was carrying on, making himself look like and [censored], and me an idiot. It made ME feel better to do so. I made him move out and live with a friend(granted only a week, but it was a looooong week for us both) What I had on my side is that the A had already pretty much died and he had already seen the good me for 4 months. It was the wake up call *he* needed. The reality he needed to see. I hadn't read MB yet, it was all instinctual. Because I was so serious and he knew it, it was the right thing to do. I was divorcing him and no one was going to change my mind(ok, so it changed pretty quick) Thing is, he knew I was not faking it.

You have to follow your heart. You need to do what is best for you and your child. PERIOD. Randy has his issues, you cannot fix them for him. Have him take the Chicago job but make sure you work out a financial arrangement for YOU and your child.

You need so IC for yourself, to help you make it through. I also suggest some ambien for nighttime sleep and possibly either an antidepressant or anti anxiety drug. I had to live on ambien for the week he was out of the house. I don't think I would have made it otherwise. I am not depressed, but have some serious anxiety still and we are doing very well. I can only imagine your emotional state with the way he is pining for this woman.

My prayers are with you

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Hi!
The numbness that I am feeling is beginning to peal off slowly! It is almost like giving birth! OK, strange correlation here! It is coming out more and more. And when it does, it shoves it self back in and I clam up! But the pain is becoming worse and worse! Reality check??? Or is this my minds way of protecting myself from the extreme pain that I am eventually going to have to face?
Randy found a job and it is not the job he wants. This is only a temp type of job (company does not know that) He is looking for his a job in his industry. But he is moping around just like he did before the Texas job came up! This is how I had him before he left! This is why he went astray! The memory of what he left behind was miserable!
I told him that this behavoir that he is having is what got our marriage into trouble! HE DOESN"T GET IT! But we all know that should be expected right?
My question is, do you think I am being used? Am I a comfort zone? He said; "Now that I have a job, we can start working on us"! OK I am waiting for Tinkerbell and her magic fairy dust! What is he waiting for? And how in Gods name can he work on our marriage 3 days a week? My guess, he doesn't want to! He wants either to end it or have me do all the work! Which is what I did when he lost his job previous to Texas!
Ali

The emotions are starting to hit hard! I feel that they are no longer being stuffed! Or the numbness that I am feeling is wearing off! I feel depressed and sad! My thoughts are obsessive about the time that he spent with her.
He continues to "mourn" the loss of his job and the fact that he loved it in Texas and of course her! We got into a yelling match last night! I am so feed up with the way he tortures himself about this OW!
I am hurting and I hate this feeling! Why is it finally coming out now????? What triggered the emotions to start coming out?
Ali

Time and things settling in your mind and heart. Your body may also be showing signs of being tired. You may not be getting enough rest and carrying a lot of emotional baggage right now.

Have you seen a doctor about anti-deps?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>oh, note book dude,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers! Deeply appreciated!You can always tell geniune people! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Ali88/RR. Not sure if I got that right or not, as I have been following your Thread since you first posted. This is to Mrs. RR - I sincerely hope I do not offend you.
Thank you for your kind post. I do want you to know I've been praying for you both: Mrs. RR that you will find healing thru this terrible hurt you have just received and continue to feel. And RR that you will WAKE UP and get into some serious Marriage Counseling with your dear wife!!!
I had this problem a good many years ago when I was the one who had the Affair on my wife back in '94. It is something utterly STOOPIT I did that I regret to this day; however, the only good thing that came out of it was that it accelerated the demise of an already HELLISH marriage. Had I the chance to do it all over again, I would have RUN LIKE HE!L from the 'other woman' I really would. The shattering hurt is beyond belief for those who have never endured it.
Mrs. RR, I sympathize with you. I also know that Mr. RR needs to get rid of his 'I feel sooo sorry for myself, poor me' attitude, sincerely apologize to YOU and get into counseling ASAP. He needs to get over this crap and move on with life with YOU beside him. The sooner he realizes this, the sooner you two can begin healing and working TOGETHER on your Marriage. I feel that you want to - despite your hurt, you still want to. I don't blame you for not wanting to put up with his sorry attitude.
May the Good Lord bless you both and heal you!
Peace and Prayers, Harold

Hi,
Yes I need to go on something! I was once on Zoloft due to my baby blues with my first son! And what a difference did it make! Right now, I am still nursing our youngest! He has been through a lot! His peditrician recommened that I don't stop the nursing until he is a little older and not so needy due to the operation and trama that he has been through!
I hope that there is an alternative that I can follow! I do need some help!
I did have some type of closure today! I had to call his old company in TX and I spoke to the receptionist. She gave me some info that made me feel so much better and I told Randy! He couldn't believe some of the info that I was told and now he feels very stupid! GOOD! Like reality check has finally checked in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
By the way, Randy has a med evaluation tomorrow to go on meds and start to see a "shrink"! I am glad! But the conversation today was just what I needed to hear! I did not call there to seek it! I had to get a phone number of one of his co-workers for a reference and the receptionist has been dying to tell me! I got some inside stories of how she is and that not to any one surprise, she is not liked there period! They all wanted to warn Randy but it was none of their business! One of his coworker friends stopped his friendship with Randy because of what he was doing to me!
I am glad that some of then were sticking up for me in their own indirect way!
I still want to take a base bat and slam it against Randys head! Don't get me wrong, I am still very angey!
Oh, here is something funny and very embarrassing for Randy! Their E-mail that they wrote to each other somehow was circulated around the office! Ha! I say serves them right! One of the girls got into a screaming match with the hobag and told her off about what she did to Randy! Everybody said that Randy should have stayed and she should have been the one to have been fired!
Oh well, I look at it this way, It was time for Randy to be with his family and realize what he has!
I hope and pray that the meds will work right away and we will start the healing process!
Ali
Sorry, I don't proof these! So please mind my typo's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thanks Note Dude! I love that name!

As you know, Randy(RR)never felt any type of remorse! That pitty me act is pit-T-ful! I wouldn't even give away the tickets to that act!
I do want our marriage to go foward! I want Randy to feel that spark again! But just reading his recent letters to me (pre hobag)he told me how inlove he is with me, that he missed me dearly, how he had a glow in his heart for me!
I don't believe for one minute that was a lie! What he was posting on MB was heart breaking. I am not sure what those feelings were or are? Anybody know??
But what is making me anxious right now, is that Randy has a lot of work a head of him and knowing that it's just the beginning is frustrating! But I am glad and hope that he sticks to it, that he is going to get help!
I do know that the Hobag is an emotional leach. What do you call a woman who uses men? Manizer???
She said all the right things to him to make him say some intimate stuff to her! She feed off of his words to get what she needed! OK guys, do you want to laugh? This is some what graphic, but she could not make him finish, if you know what I mean! Reach the top of the mountain!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
HA! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !
But, I have a lot of sadness and knowing that my husband was intimate and shared feelings with someone else, kills me to no end! I am trying to look ahead and fantize what our marriage can be!
Notedude, You showed remorse towards your wife right? Or did you do the exact opposite?
Let me know. I wish he would put his arms around me and be so sincere and tell me how sorry he is!
Ali

Hi Ali88! Yes, in answer to your question, yes I did show remorse. I felt horrible for doing it - and I knew from the second I began the affair with a kiss it was WRONG.
On D-Day (it was awful) my wife and I stayed up nearly the entire night talking and talking- but it was going over every single intimate detail in very graphic detail. We went over and over and over it repeatedly. When I would fall asleep from being so tired in the early morning she'd hit me to wake me up and continue her questioning. It was bad for us both.
She held resentment for the rest of our marriage - even though I never went any further in my PA with the woman than just kissing and petting some, my wife was somehow convinced that I had slept with this woman - which I hadn't. Some small corner of my mind kept saying to me that I should never ever do that no matter what and I listened to it.
Still, 4 years later, in Divorce Court, my wife remained convinced that I had slept with this lady and she refused to listen when I told her I hadn't...
She's still bitter to this day - and the affair was in '94. Needless to say, her and I don't speak - she lives in Alaska and I live in Texas. She did every vindictive thing she possibly could to turn our 2 children against me, my own blood family against me, as well as alienated me from our friends at our church up there...
Bottom line is: I sinned against my wife, God, and myself, and I will pay the price until the day I die. Affairs severely hurt everyone involved!
So it is that I sincerely pray for you that you and RR will heal from this - and if he gets the right attitude and begins counseling and stops feeling sorry for himself and begins treating YOU the way he should, I honestly believe your Marriage will not end up the way mine did.
POSTNOTE: My then-wife decided the following year to go out and have a full-blown PA of her own - complete with several episodes of sex, taking gifts from him, and he was a inter-racial person on top of that! Then she lied about it later and said it never happened, despite on our D-Day#2 she confessed the Affair in front of her Boss at work, the Pastor of our Church and myself...
She's still denying it, although I had the proof I didn't force the issue.
My bottom line is: Affairs suck!
Harold

Ali88...well, I see things are still pretty much a mess at your house...sorry that RR isn't getting his sh*t together.

What's happening now is like a "wound" (finding out about the affair) becoming "infected" (his actions post d-day) and spreading poison throughout the "body" (marriage). Sadly his actions of "today" will be much harder to overcome then actually healing from his betrayal. jmho

Now this doesn't mean that you and RR won't be able to overcome this "infection" in the coming months, even if RR doesn't get his act together for a while longer and continues to "infect" all efforts of healing on your part. It took several months of constant fights and arguements and loving for H and I to really began our healing path. But I truly believes the scars from the "infection" of our marriage are deeper then those from his betrayal.

Whatever you decide or even if you don't make a decision but leave it "open-ended", that's fine. You do what YOU want to do. If you want to stay and fight for your marriage and your family, then you stay and fight. If you want to stop fighting and just leave it all behind, that too is okay. Whatever you do...do it because it is what you need to do for YOU!

Hi Dude!

I am glad to hear that you did not have sex with this person! What is really starting to ruin me is the fact that I did not exist! Although he told me that when he would leave the hobags house that he felt so dirty and would vision my face!
He took all of our sexual intimancies, everything that we shared and gave them to her!I am hurting worse and worse each day!
Randy is now coming out of the fog due to what happened with what we found out today! He is such better spirits! I haven't seen him like this since the last visit he came in from Texas before the A had knowingly surfaced!
From some reason, I am feeling worse and worse! I asked a detail today and I am more crushed! He told me that the day he tried to end it with hobag, she called him and they went to lunch and he came back with make up all over his shirt! OUCH!
Oh my GOD! I can't hold back the tears right now!
I reread all of the advice that all of you had written and I feel that it is now bouncing off of me! The last three days he told me that he loved me! He means what he said! I told him that love is an extremely powerful word to misuse! To tell you all the truth I cannot put into words what I am feeling! Orchid, I am exhausted and I think I am finally coming to terms with my reality!
He devastated me!
Notebook, Where do you live in Texas? I am begining to have a thing about Texas! I have relatives in Austin. But I HATE McAllen! Are you in The Vally?
OK since the hurt has gotten worse than I thought it would be, is it going to get worse? I am seeking my Doctor about going on anti-depressants!
Notedude, at least you did not share the sexual imtimancies. You still hold that with your wife! When I knew those two were seeing each other, I did not think he would have sex with ho! But when he told that to my face, my world shattered!
I wish I still had that with Randy! It is gone some women swept it away from me!
I would love to dissect the brain of a woman who would go after a married man!
I want to run her over in my car and have his twinkie above my headboard! I hate them both for what they did to me! I hate them! I hate him for what he did to me. My husband who thought loved me! Now he says he wants to work on our marriage! Now he is feeling a little remorse. Why am I running away from that?
DAMN YOU RANDY FOR HURTING ME! WHY DID YOU NOT THINK OF ME? I STOOD BY YOUR SIDE THROUGH ALL YOUR DARKEST MOMENTS! I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR YOU! YOU ABANDED ME FOR A F*CKIN SLUT WHO DID NOT CARE ABOUT YOU! I LOVED YOU INCONDITIONALLY! YOU ARE MY SNUGGLE AND YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THIS TO ME! YOU HURT ME! YOU TOOK MY WORLD AND GAVE IT TO HER! DAMN YOU!

Is anyone going to go the the Seminar in Orlando Florida?
Ali

Hi Ali88! I live in Granbury - which is the Northern edge of "Texas Hill Country" or to be more geographically correct - 38 miles SouthWest of Dallas/Ft. Worth. I've heard of McAllen but never been there, I don't even know where it is. I do know that Allen is in South-Central Collin County, which is just north of Dallas/Ft. Worth. I lived in Farmersville awhile, then met the lady I married. She lived in Ft. Worth, then we up and moved out here to the 'country' it's a nice little retirement town here - none of that big city noise, dust, smoke, gangs, etc.
Yes, Texas has been interwoven in my life since '94 - I was in Heidelberg Germany with the US Army when I met this lady I had the affair with - she's from Texas as well - and then I found out last year I have kinfolk in San Antonio whom I have never seen, let alone knew they existed. After getting out of the Army on Medical Disability Chapter, I chose to move to Texas rather than back to my home state of Virginia.
I can't stand the way peeps are in Virginia - so clannish and stuck up - at least in the town where I used to live before going in the Army. Folks here in Granbury are much more my style - laid back and friendly.
I might add that for your sake and healing, it is best for you to not ask for intimate/graphic details of what RR did with that 'thing' while he was in McAllen. It will only fuel your resentment and cause problems when you do that same sexual act with RR - and this is assuming and hoping you two can work this out and get back into the Marriage you once had and can have again. I personally believe that had my then-wife (right after my Affair in '94) had not asked such graphic details - I mean, Lord, every single detail over and over again, comparing notes, etc. ad nauseaum - it was unreal! I believe she carried her resentment with her - and it drove her to have her own sex-filled Affair on me the following year with some dude she worked with. Funny thing is - I never asked her for one single detail - hell, she didn't even give me his name - but I did a little 'snooping behind the scenes' and figured out who it was. When I told her, she denied it angrily and said it was none of my business. I let it drop after that - I mean, like, why make her lie further about the whole stinking mess? So, I guess I can say - truthfully - that I healed very rapidly from her Affair on me, but she never ever did heal from my Affair. To me, the bottom line is: no matter what kind of affair, whether it is a simple flirty Emotional one, or a full-blown Physical one with all kinds of sex - the end result is the same: shattering hurt and destruction of trust and a severe blow to your Marriage. I regret with much sorrow what I did and wish I could take it back and say it never happened. But since I can't, I have chosen to instead journal about it and put my feelings, hurt, anger, grief, and everything else onto paper. I have found that it is immensely healing and very theraputic for me.
Hope this helps you both.
Harold

Hi Dude!

McAllen is near Brownsville. A border town. Hidalgo county! Very different culture down there! It doesn't even look like Texas, more like Mexico! But it is growing! It is considered the "Jewel" of the Vally! I liked the tropical part of it but mainly that is it! The weather is way to hot for me! and not enough scenery! Nothing much to do there with your kids! San Antonio is about a 3 hour drive. But how often can you go up there???
Harold, he now wants to move forward and for some reason I am more devastated than ever! I don't want to torture myself any further, but the visual is very clear since I have the pictures of the embrasing in a kiss! I hired a PI! So I can catch him! I know that he would have lied to my face!
When he told me a few short weeks ago that he did not love me anymore, I believed him! He says he loves me now, I don't! You can't turn your feelings on and off like a light switch! So, I am feeling like I am being used!
About the sex part, I am scared! He will compare me! I know he will. My self esteem is gone! I don't feel attractive to him! I tried Fudds idea, but I can't feel that right now! I know I am very pretty, been told many times I should have modeled! I am constantly flirted with even with my two children with me! I know for a fact that she is not pretty! People told that to me and to Randy saying basically you gave your wife up for that? what is the matter with you????
But performing in bed! We dohave sex and I am not into it! Threes a crowd in this sex act! she is either in his mind or my mind! he told me that it takes her so long to reach the end! He told me that she jusy keeps going and going and going!
Me, I am lucky, I can reach as many as I like when I like! When he is done I can be too! I tried telling him she can't be too good in bed if she could not make you finish???? She can flaunt it, stick her small A cup boobs in your face but if she can't then she is no good!
I hope I am not embarrassing anyone! But the intimate part of it all is what is killing and the new experience!
Why do I feel worse?????
Sorry if I just keep repeating my self in these threads! I still love him very much but I wish I can just put him in a bottle!
Here is one other thing that gets me upset, when I hear our favorite songs, or songs that use to remind him of us or a situation where i was current in his life! Garth Brooks, The Dance, he now thinks of his time in McAllen which leads into ......sluty B*tch! Or a cheatin song because she dumped him, he feels like he was the one that got cheated on! So he relates that song to her!
OK one more vent! There was a song that I purchased because It helped me to feel close to him while he was away! Kelly Coffe's "When You Lie Next To ME". Nice to know that reminds him of her! Now do you know why I feel like I am living in her shadow! I print the posts and keep reading the encourage meant! It does help believe me!
I look forward to your reply!
Oh , RR job in texas made MRE's yummy!
Ali
sorry for typos! kids won't let me proof!

As a fellow Texan and someone who is moved by what you're going through I decided to respond only to tell you how very sorry I am.

I did respond to Randy's "poor me" post in an attempt to see that he had to forgive himself before he could ask it of his family. I apologize if I somehow, fed his weaknesses.

Anyhoo, I wanted to say that as a BS myself, I hear you. The day I had our 3rd little boy, (day after d-day) my H responded to my pleas to save our M and stop seeing OW with a huge sigh and eye roll and said "OK"... as though he was doing me some kind of favor! Although he eventually saw the light that memory will be with me forever. So believe me, I know what it's like to have your S betray you and be more concerned with his own misery, inconveniences, etc. than with the pain he caused you.

My H went through OW withdrawl also. I just didn't have the strength to throw him out, I was soooooo post-partum. So, I commend you for your strength. The only thing that really helped me through that time was remembering what SH had to say about addictions to OP and the withdrawl WSs go through.

But I have to tell ya.... a year later I still want to twist his B*lls until they swell to grapefruit size sometimes for what he did to me.

I want to say again that if my response Randy's post offended you. I'm a BS, too and it certainly was not my intention.

I made a typo!

"When he told me a few short weeks ago that he did not love me anymore, I believed him! He says he loves me now, I don't!"
I meant to say is that I don't believe him. Sorry if I confused anyone!

Lady, Did you feel like you were living in the shadows of the OW?
Where in TX do you live???
Did you read our the rest of our threads from a while back? He took the position right when our youngest was 3 months old and before his surgery! I (Thank God)did not have PD with our youngest. I had PD with our first! I was depressed about what was happening in our lives! But nothing like PD the first time. I could not imagine having that hormone rage and finding about my H. affair? What you must been through! I am so sorry!
Ali!

Hi Ali! Now I remember - I've been near McAllen this past Fall when my wife & I went to South Padre Island Beach - pretty wild place; we both love the water. Sounds like y'all have a good love life (the physical part of it) That is one of the things so tragic about Affairs - they just don't make any sense! Sounds like he went for some sleazebucket while he was on his own and didn't GUARD HIS HEART against attack on your marriage, therefore he fell for whomever came along, and that was bad. I'm sorry to say, you and him are going to have to find NEW songs for you - songs that have special meaning for you and him. For my Wife and I, we love Santana's 'Smooth' as well as 'From This Moment On' those were 2 songs we listened a lot to while we were engaged and we played them during our Wedding Ceremony! Those songs will always be special to us. I would drop the past (songs) and find new songs for you - they're coming out with new hits all the time. And when those old songs come on the radio, just change the station - you don't have to listen to them! I like G. Brooks as well, and I've always liked his song 'The Thunder Rolls' - and if you listen to the words, it's about a cheater and when his Wife finds out... well, she gets the ole pea-shooter and puts him 6 feet under. I'm not saying to do that, please! but I believe the song gives you a sense of how passions run high and hearts are shattered when Affairs enter a marriage. I say, you should let others be the 'judge' about beauty - you say they told you you ought to be a model and they're flirty with you even with your 2 children - that right there ought to tell you something! I know your feelings - and his are going to rage up and down in a symphony of confusion. Are you both in Marriage Counseling together? I know it will help you get this out. Have you read the Affairs Section on this Website by Dr. Harley? There are going to be consequences and fallout from this Affair of his for years to come. And regarding you two intimately, when my then-wife found out about my Affair in '94 we didn't have sex for 3 months afterward - I guess it was payback in a perverted sort of way - and who can blame you or her (my ex-wife) for not wanting to get sexually intimate with someone who has just blown your world away with something like an Affair! You do NOT have to feel guilty for telling him NO! It was him who couldn't exercise the SELF-CONTROL while he was away, not you! He needs to realize this, and quit feeling sorry for himself, as well as to put the past behind him and move forward with YOU - however long it takes. I read somewhere the saying: "It takes years to build up trust and confidence in yourself, and only seconds to totally blow it back to Zero." And in RR's case, and mine back in '94 how true how true! My former wife NEVER did regain trust in me, but then again, she was one who carried grudges over implied slights against her best friend for 13 years also. You don't come across as that kind of person to me, however, this is going to take time for you to heal and regain any semblance of trust in him. I believe you will reach a healing point, but you must get together in Marriage Counseling for that to happen. Reading the book 'Surviving An Affair' by Dr. Harley is much needed for you both right now - both of you! You should sit down and read the chapters together. I've read the book and it has excellent advice in it. There are other resources here, but please, begin with the Affairs Section in this Website if you haven't already. Print stuff out and make him read it. Talk about it together. Tell him he's got to get over this feel sorry for himself BS, realize and admit he was wrong, apologize to you, ask your forgiveness and God's forgiveness, and (pardon me for another of my fave quotes) "Get busy living or get busy dying" and he needs to read this Thread as well. It seems he bailed on several other threads when he started getting advice like this and he hasn't returned to them. He needs to read what was written to him - he asked for the advice when he began the thread and bailing on a thread he started is the wrong answer. May the Lord bless you both. Harold

Here's the Lyrics to that song I was writing about...

Garth Brooks - The Thunder Rolls

Three thirty in the morning
Not a soul in sight
The city's lookin' like a ghost town
On a moonless summer night
Raindrops on the windshield
There's a storm moving in
He's headin' back from somewhere
That he never should have been
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

Every light is burnin'
In a house across town
She's pacin' by the telephone
In her faded flannel gown
Askin' for miracle
Hopin' she's not right
Prayin' it's the weather
That's kept him out all night
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls

She's waitin' by the window
When he pulls into the drive
She rushes out to hold him
Thankful he's alive
But on the wind and rain
A strange new perfume blows
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes
And he knows that she knows
And the thunder rolls
And the thunder rolls

The thunder rolls
And the lightnin' strikes
Another love grows cold
On a sleepless night
As the storm blows on
Out of control
Deep in her heart
The thunder rolls

3rd Verse:
She runs back down the hallway
To the bedroom door
She reaches for the pistol
Kept in the dresser drawer
Tells the lady in the mirror
He won't do this again
Cause tonight will be the last time
She'll wonder where he's been...

Note dude,

I want to mention that God is very forgiving!
We are human! I you are truly sorry for what you did and have no bitterness, you will be forgivin!
If you are not sorry and think what you did was justified then, I would watch out!
I know as a christian that I have to forgive! I think God might understand that it might take me to my dealth bed to forgive her. I have accepted that RR cheated on me and the forgiveness I am not sure is there! Because I want to work it out do you think it is there? I can't tell! All I know is that I love him and still want to be with him! But the pain is so there! Something I have never felt before!
Ali

Oh my God!
I was justlooking for that song last night! Garth Brooks! That is exactly what I wanted to do in the video! But he is lucky I was 1200 miles away! My sister and I were going to stake him out and ambush him in the act! I think I would have killed her! Or pulled her by her stringy fake blonde hair right off him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ali88:
<strong>Note dude,
I know as a christian that I have to forgive! I think God might understand that it might take me to my dealth bed to forgive her. I have accepted that RR cheated on me and the forgiveness I am not sure is there! Because I want to work it out do you think it is there? All I know is that I love him and still want to be with him! Ali</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Ali88! Yes, by your own words it IS there. You say: Because I want to work it out.. I love him and still want to be with him..
THOSE words are proof enuff that it is there! Despite your shattering hurt and pain, despite RR still farting around with this whole thing - YOU still WANT to work it out - that is proof in the pudding that you have the right heart and mind plus a will to work things through! It is now up to RR to get going on this road with you - hand-in-hand with the woman he vowed to love and cherish forever!!
I'd tell him he needs to get back on MB and read the advice that has been given to him - plus what you've written in this Thread: let him see firsthand that there are folks here who sincerely and genuinely care about him and you and want to see you two work through this and renew your Marriage.
Marriages CAN recover from Affairs - but it takes TWO, not one but TWO to make it work. You are the one. He is the other. TOGETHER - you can and will work this through and I believe once you make it through this, you both will be so much the stronger for having endured it. I strongly advise RR to read the book 'Guard Your Heart' - I can't remember who the author is but I will find out and list it on my next Post.
May God help you work this out.
Harold

Ali,

Born and raised in San Antonio (GO SPURS!)
My H told me for months about this woman he was seeing and falling in love with... her name where she lived, how many children she had where she worked, etc. I found out the night befor YS was born that it was in fact a woman he workede with! Someone who looked me in the face time after time and asked me how I was feeling during my pregnancy! The entire time I obsessed over a woman who didn't even exist when the OW was right under my nose. When I asked him why he lied about her identity to such an extent he replied, "to protect her and her job". TO PROTECT HER!!! Is that disgusting or what? I cried so much theat night and the next day, I made myself sick several times. The following evening I spent sixteen hours in labor, and ultimately needed a blood transfusion because my placenta had torn. If he hadn't come out when he did (purple and choking on my blood), we might have lost him. Praise GOD we didn't.

In the weeks that followed, he was the most insesitive, self-absorbed jerk... he actually asked me why I hadn't paid his cell bill... Oh yeah, I should have pre paid it so that you could talk to your girlfriend some more!

Yes... I lived in her shadow for months before I finally decided that none of what we were going through was about HER. It was about his pathetic inability to handle his issues with his wife like a man.

Ali, I don't know if this helps, but here goes. This sick twisted withdrawl period your H is going through is nothing more that just that... withdrawl from an extrememly bad addiction. What he's grieving over is the loss of something that HE STILL THINKS IS REAL. You and I know that it isn't, but it's very real to him. Your H's OW is real piece of work... she whispered a lot of sweet things in his ear, made him think she was sincere, and then totally emasculated him. (Yes, he did deserve it!) I'm no psychologist, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that maybe your H's fog is largely due to the fact that he feels so stupid and emasculated that he CAN't tend to the next step in repairing your M. I mean it's cowardly, yes, but if already feels like LESS THAN A MAN, a coward isn't going to go into a reconciliation in which he has to look the woman he really failed as a man in the eye.

Just a thought, but maybe what you need is a bad [censored] plan A to make him come around.

Hey Y'all! RR came back and posted some thoughts on 'She Was A Real Pro' thread. I thought he might have bailed on MB altogether, but apparently not. Somebody has got to tell that dude to STOP beating up on himself and thinking that 'we can't stand him' - it's what he did that we can't stand! Do you think we can somehow get it through that thick head of his that TODAY is the day to begin his Journey towards healing his Marriage? Lord knows there are some of you who have definitely tried and tried. Certainly nobody here can say that his wife (Ali88) isn't ready and willing to begin this Journey with him.
She's one strong woman to endure the terrible hurt she's just been through and yet is ready to begin working on her Marriage with RandyR.
Please, everyone here, keep this couple high in your prayers, OK?
Harold

RandyR posted again on the 'She Was A Real Pro' Thread again - I think I'm beginning to detect a tiny chink in his armour - he sounds like he might be starting to 'get it' what he needs to do to begin recovery from this fantasy mess! Please, keep up the prayers for this couple!!!
Harold

here we go again!

Randy is moping around about that thing he screwed in texas! I give up! I think I am going to contact an attorney. He doesn't want to try in this marraige after he said he did. He says he is going to be miserable for the rest of his life! I am never going to make him feel the way he felt so I guess it is time to move on! He called me a b*tch because he went drinking and got himself drunk! And that he hated me! He is allowed to mope around about her and his "loss" I still argue with those who say it is a loss! He said when he was screwing her that he knew it was wrong and thought of me but the attention was addicting! Do you all think cocaine is a loss when someone ditches it??????
But anyway,if I show sadness or tell him how hurt and upset I am it is an arguement! Yes, I kicked him! He tells me I hoover over him! He will not look at me! He won't even give me the respect to even look at me that is how much I really mean to him! Why am I not allowed to feel hurt!
I GIVE UP ON THIS LYING [censored]! DON"T BE FOOLED BY HIM! HE IS A REAL PRO! The two deserves each other! Too bad the C*nt isn't around! (I hate that word!)
Ali <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Ali88, I'm so sorry to read what you wrote. I guess given the way he's acting, calling you names, that is NOT a way to keep you loving him. Won't he go to Marriage Counseling with you? Can you move out or make him move out and Plan B him? And yes, keeping an attorney on standy doesn't sound like such a bad idea at this point. Something has to be done to WAKE HIM UP.
My continuing prayers for you both.
Harold

Is it normal to go "in and out" of recovery???

I mean, somedays, I feel "ok" and want to work on the marriage and make it better/repair and then the next day, I feel depressed sad and want to just hang my head and cry.

My wife Ali just called the OW again in McAllen. She talked to the OW's sister and got the typical response "You didn't take care of your man!!".

The response has been similiar when she talked to the OW last week. No apoligies, no nothing. Sooner or later, the police will be called here for harrassment against my wife.

She is in so much pain/anger right now. I think she wants me to completly stop thinking about the OW and the job that I lost down there. It was a multiple loss down in Texas.

For 3 years, I was unhappy in the positions that I had with my career. Perhaps one of the contributing reasons to the affair was the unhappiness of our marriage due to the stress of my career. I am not making excuses but when Ali and I discus what happened and why I had the affair, the point that stands out is the unhappiness at work/career and why the choices I have made in my career have been so damaging.

The job in McAllen made me feel alive again!! I had so much success down there and for the first time in my life, I felt confident and so important. But my wife was not with me!!! AND THIS IS WHERE HER BITTERNESS LIES AS WELL. The OW got me when I was happy and Ali (My wife) only knows me when I am sad and depressed.

I go "in waves" right now. Some hours I am fine, other days/hours, I just think about "what might have been" with the job.

Most of you are going to say "LET GO" or "STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF" but my happiness has been almost non existent for the past 5 years. I take all of the responsibility in the career choices that I have made so I don't want the nasty responses.

Group, is it normal to go into ups and downs when trying to repair the marriage??? How do you repair the marriage from something so devestating than this.

Worse, how do get over an affair that ended so violently that the "other person" is walking around as if nothing ever happened and is so evil that nothing effects her or when Ali calls, the response back fires!!!!

I don't know how to make things better between my wife and I. She is so angry with me right now!! When we talk, she wants to talk about "us" but I don't know where to begin. We end up talking about the OW. Ali keeps telling me she was 30X better looking and that she (OW) looked like white trash. I don't respond because we are not really accomplishing anything.

Group/when I mop, I am thinking about McAllen, Texas. How I loved my job and the people and I was begining to adjust to the area. But Ali starts screaming at me that I am associating the job with the affair at work.

IT IS NOT ALL TRUE!!! I LOVED THE JOB AND HOW WELL I WAS DOING!!!

GROUP.....THE WORST PART RIGHT NOW FOR ME IS THAT I FINALLY FELT GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AND MY SELF WORTH AND MY WIFE WAS NOT AROUND TO SEE ME!!!

Lots of questions tonight......either way, my wife(Ali) is in such an angry state with me that she is probably not going to allow me to sleep tonight.

She yells, screams and is abusive. BUT SOMETIMES I THINK SHE HAS A RIGHT....I cheated on her!!!!

Please help me. Can some of you try telling her NOT TO CALL THIS WOMAN!!!!

THE OW really likes getting a rise from my wife!! She doesn't care that she broke apart or marriage. When Ali called her last week, the OW claimed I bought her things. NOT TRUE!!!!! In fact, one of the reasons as to why the affair ended was because I wasn't paying attention to her in the end.

THERE IS NO LIGHT AT THE END OF OUR TUNNEL FOR HAPPINIESS!!!!

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE SAD FOR THE LOSS OF THE JOB AND THE FACT THAT I FEEL EMPTY AT TIMES BECAUSE I MISS THE PEOPLE AND THE AREA IN TEXAS????

AT ALL!!!!!????

Ali, don't call her. For you. You are only letting her know she got to you. I have my OW cell # memorized, I have her work extension memorized. I know where she lives. I see her daily(she is H's assistant) I would not give her the satisfaction of speaking to her. It only results in a pissing match and the one more in control of their feelings wins. Now, I do stare her down and she hasn't the balls to look me in the face, but I will only speak to her if she speaks to me, then I will laugh at her, for that is far worse than being yelled at.

Randy, I don't know what to tell you. You need to get your head on straight. The hurt an affair causes is immense. You are compounding it by your current actions. I bet she would stop screaming if you would just show her real remorse and love. Try it even through the anger she has, I bet it will chink through her anger

Randy

Perhaps if Ali didn't have to listen to your constantly telling her how much better life with the other woman was, and Texas was, and cheating was, and not having her and the children to be responsible for was, and how warm and pleasant the weather was, and the people of Texas were ETC, she just might feel like she was almost human in your eyes. But if course her hearing this constantly is of no importance whatsoever is it? The only thing of importance is the dream world you lived in for a few months.

It is generally against all I believe in to tell any one this, but you are such a special person that I find that I must make an exception. I understand that nothing any one says to you is ever going to make you the man you never were and never will be. Texas is your heaven is it not? Then take yourself to Texas and let Ali find a real man to be the father of her children.
You were never any more than a sperm donor to begin with so why would you deprive them of a father?

Is that not what you have begged everyone to tell you? Well now I have told you. Understand that my telling you this is not for your benefit because I know that within a year after you move there, Texas will be the same hell for you that you have made of all your previous dreams and jobs. The ones who will reap the benefits will be the children who you leave behind. They will not grow up with you as the model for a parent.

Ali has brought nothing but misery to your life and you tell her that every moment of every day. You have never had a happy moment with her have you? All she brought to your life was children you didn't want and jobs you grew to hate because she needed you to be responsible for those snotty little kids. She even opted to insure that one of them has a chance to live rather than let him die while she lived the carefree life you asked her to live.

You found someone who cared just as little for your wife and children as you did, and lived in luxury until she want you to commit to something. Now Ali doesn't take you to her breast like the mother you feel she should be to you, and give you all the empathy you need. Ali should hold you while you cry and wipe away your tears, but never express or feel any pain of her own related to the affair. Any pain she feels might deprive you of a portion the empathy people feel. All empathy rightfully belongs to you, and anyone who gets any of it is cheating you out of it just like the woman in Texas did.
Ali should be punished if she recieves empathy and does not tell everyone that you deserve it more than she does.

Well the truth is, I feel no empathy for you, but tons of it for what you are doing to your marriage. Everyone here feels empathy for Ali and the children and the misery you have made of thier lives. I among the others here have given you our best and your only response is to consistantly tell us how special you felt in Texas. Ali asks you to work on your marriage and you tell her you would rather spend your life remembering the dream life in Texas, and regretting having to face the truth that you have a wife and children.
You tell the world that the Texas Trolop is all you live for. If she don't love you like you deserve, you will spend the rest of your life seeking revenge against her. There is no cost you wont bear if you can pay her back for having the audacity to treat the great Randy with nothing less than complete respect and live in awe of him. OK. Take your butt to Texas, and get your revenge. But once you go there, NEVER again expect anything from Ali, she owes you nothing, but you awe her everything.

fudd.

Ali,

Please don’t call the OW anymore. By doing it you are giving her more power than she should have in your life. You are also setting yourself up to be charged with stalking.

THE OW really likes getting a rise from my wife!! She doesn't care that she broke apart or marriage. When Ali called her last week, the OW claimed I bought her things. NOT TRUE!!!!! In fact, one of the reasons as to why the affair ended was because I wasn't paying attention to her in the end.

I understand why you are calling her. But no good will come of it. She will never apologize. There is nothing useful she can tell you about the affair or your husband. She does not really know your husband as he presented a false image of himself to her. If she does share anything with you, you will have no way of knowing if it’s true or not. If she attacks you verbally, it will only add to your pain. She did what she did because she feels entitled. From the description of this woman she has no moral fiber what so ever. Do not lower yourself to her level. Threat her for what she is … nothing.

While I advocate contacting the OW once to tell her to get the hey out of your marriage, to remind her that she is interfering with a marriage and a family. Continued contact and calling, especially when she will not talk to you is a very back idea. You are validating her (see how important she is, she consumes you) with every phone call.

This woman is nothing to you. Your issues are with your husband. Turn your focus where it belongs… on yourself, your family, your marriage, and your husband.

By the way, if you get the impression that the OW got the best of your H, think again. From the above quote we get the picture… “In fact, one of the reasons as to why the affair ended was because I wasn't paying attention to her in the end.” Does not sound like a man who really cared for her. Instead sounds like a man who simply enjoyed the experience of playing around.

She yells, screams and is abusive. BUT SOMETIMES I THINK SHE HAS A RIGHT....I cheated on her!!!!

Randy I’ll share what I learned from my recovery process….

My counselor told me that when a person cheats the penalty they pay is to have to listen to their spouse express the anger over and over and over again until the anger is gone. They also have to answer truthful every question the spouse asks about the affair over and over and over again until she has no more questions.

I’m sure it’s not comfortable for you. But I can assure you that it is nowhere near as uncomfortable as the pain your wife feels. You did a terrible thing to her and your children. Now it’s your turn to act like a man and help your wife heal and repair your marriage.

From my experience the more you are willing to open up and share with her, the more honest you are, the sooner your marriage will recover. In my case the period of obsessive, daily (for hours) questions and expressing anger lasted 3.5 months. One day I had not more anger to express and no more questions. Actually the questions went down to about one a month after that. At that point I only had the hurt and the deep pit in my stomach to deal with. But at least I had some answers and the deep anger was gone.

As for the emotional roller coaster…. You paid for an unlimited ticket on that thing. Your emotions and your wife’s will go up and down for a long time. Mine started out at about 15 minutes between peaks and lows. By the end of the 6 months it was down to about 12 hours between it. Now, 2 years later they are gone.

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE SAD FOR THE LOSS OF THE JOB AND THE FACT THAT I FEEL EMPTY AT TIMES BECAUSE I MISS THE PEOPLE AND THE AREA IN TEXAS????

Bet that right now your wife has no sympathy for these feelings. I sure would not. Over time her anger will subside.

Randy, think of it this way.

If a person had a great job, friends, etc. Then they robbed a bank. Eventually they were caught and as a result lost all the money they stole, exactly how much sympathy would you have for them?

Recovery from an affair takes 2 to 5 years. Take it one day at a time. You caused the harm, it's your responsibility to lead the healing process.

<small>[ May 19, 2003, 01:20 AM: Message edited by: zorweb ]</small>

Group:

Enough said........... we are going in an emotional rollercoaster.

I want the group to reiterate to my wife Alli, STOP calling the OW. Alli calls her when we get into a vicious arguement and I leave the house.

The OW's responses have been the same which is "I REALLY DON'T CARE IF I HURT YOU, ALLI!!!".

From all of you, I guess I am not allowed to cry, to greive and not allowed to mourn in front of my wife. Hold it all in.

If that's what it takes....so be it!!!

RR, Your W calls OW after vicious arguments and you leave the house. She's probably calling to find out if you're running to her.

Try to stay next time. When she gets very upset, try holding her and CRYING WITH her insteadof running away.

ALI,

This is not about OW. Don't call her. When you call her you give her a place in your life and M that she should not have. You will never gain anything from this but frustration and disrespect. I say again this is not about OW, it's about how your H handled his own marital issues. If it hadn't have been her it probably would have been someone else. You have it in your head that there was something so remarkably irresistable about this woman that your H went astray. Therefore you can't trust that it's really over between them. The only thing spwcial about OW was that she was in the right place at the right time... when your H was in a position to make a very unwise decision.

Ali I called my H's OW many times. I'll always regret it. In fact she recently called because she has married the man she was separated from at the time of their A, and he's just now finding out about it... she wants me to keep quiet. KARMA, ALI. Leave her to GOD.

I say this with so much experience. Calling her will be something you dislike yourself for later. Is she really worth that? Think about it, your M is on the rocks, H is not there. Do you really need another problem, like a harrassment charge?

RR,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> THE OW really likes getting a rise from my wife!! She doesn't care that she broke apart or marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SHE didn't do that Randy, YOU did that. It's time for you to be honest with yourself and with your W about what you want. I realize that it's hard for you, to find yourself "in recovery" right now, but if you're ever going to get there the first thing you have to accept is that the fallout of your A is easier for you and OW to deal with than ALI. YOU and OW asked for this Ali didn't. If you love her, and want her to love you back, accept that you have some serious work to do. And calling her names, drinking, etc does not seem to be cutting it. She's humiliated,Randy. If you want to reach her you have to show a little humility, too. Not anger and resistance. You have a VERY small window of opportunity here. And it's closing fast. If you want your M, show Ali that.

want the group to reiterate to my wife Alli, STOP calling the OW. Alli calls her when we get into a vicious arguement and I leave the house.

Well then it seems that what you are doing is not working. I agree that she is probably calling OW because she is afraid that when you leave you are making a beeline to the OW.

Since you both know this is a problem, STOP having vicious arguments. There is no reason to go on arguing when things get heated. Stop at that point, before things get out of hand. Go to different rooms until you BOTH cool down. Nothing is gained from ‘vicious arguments’ except more hurt.

Emotionally healthy adults do not have vicious arguments. Think of how you are scaring and hurting your children when you do this… or do you even care about that?

The OW's responses have been the same which is "I REALLY DON'T CARE IF I HURT YOU, ALLI!!!".

Have to say you picked a poisonous one. At least she’s honest even if she lacks morals in just about every other area. Actually my bet is that she gets off on the power trip of having hurt someone… having taken their husband away. So she probably gets off on the phone calls.

From all of you, I guess I am not allowed to cry, to greive and not allowed to mourn in front of my wife. Hold it all in.

This is all about a self-pity party. It will not work. Don’t keep it all in, journal and then throw it out so that your wife does not ‘stumble’ on it. Get an individual counselor for yourself if you need someone to cry to. The idea right now is to PROTECT your wife and take extraordinary CARE of her.

Perhaps right now she is no hurt she does not really care if your marriage works. Right now your wife’s emotional state is such that her main concern is probably her own emotional survival. You have to give her that time.

Ali and Randy,

To make this marriage work you have stop the fights and the love busters. A good exercise is to think of how you would want to be treated if you were in the other’s shoes.

I did this; the result was that I treated my husband with care, love, respect and protection. He did the same to me. We have never, ever had anything that could even come close to a vicious argument. We can count on one hand the number of times we have yelled or had a ‘tense’ argument. We just do not go there.

Yes Randy did something terrible. Probably the worst thing he could have done to you Ali. But don’t compound it. You are really hurting yourself and your children when you do this.

RR,

I do believe that you have a right to your own feelings. My H went through a horrific withdrawl period. I made the best attempts I could to understand that as wrong as it was, he was giving up someone who met his needs when I didn't. And it was very hard for me. When his withdrawl period ended, the first thing I got was an apology. He apologized for giving his own grief and his own feelings more of a priority than he gave to mine. After all he chose to handle things this way, not me.

You do have a right to your own feelings, RR... but I can't help but say that perhaps it isn't fair to ask your W to deal with them. She's already dealing with a horrific betrayal, anger over the lies, deception, abandonment that YOU caused. Do you really believe it's fair that she should have to endure the crap you heaped onto your own shoulders?

BTW, have you and Ali read and really studied the part of this website that deals with infidelity? You may realize that you're not alone in your feelings and this may help you to not heap so much onto your W. If you must vent about your own feeling, RR, vent to us! When you are with your W, concentrate on her and the HEALING of your M, until you can both get far enough past the anger to share everything.

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Ali...I completely agree for the very first time with RR...Do NOT call the OW!!!!! NEVER...EVER...again!!!!!!!

Maybe the two of you need to look over Plan A and then use it TOGETHER on each other. If you take the affair business out of Plan A and just use it as a guideline on how to treat each other and yourselves it might be a step in learning how to respect and value the other.

You need some professional help in learning how to "fight fair". You're fighting is not accomplishing much, it's more counter-productive then it is helping.

Ali...I know you're hurting...I know too that RR is hurting. Not everything that RR is sad about envolves the betrayal. I know how we as the BS tend to think that every time our WS isn't being "upbeat" and everything which comes up "must" be affair related...well it's NOT!

Yes, RR is focused to much on his "pity me" party, but Ali...you are also focusing on only the affair issues. (I know hard not to focus on them.) It's NOT just the affair, it's a lot of other issues which are being overshadowed by the affair.

Please...get into some individual counseling...BOTH of YOU! Also, find a good pro-marriage counselor who can help guide you on finding your healing path.

Amen wifey... Amen.

Ali, RR... This is the best advice You've been given. It's past time for both of you start meeting each other's needs and caring for your kids. Or you can stay on the painful treadmill you're on and go nowhere real fast.

S&C

Ali,

I have to agree with everyone else - Don't call the OW. It does not help.

I understand why, but don't do it. Call a friend, post here, do anything but do not call OW. Everytime you do that, as was said earlier you give her power, and you cannot get her out of your M if you keep calling her.

Hello!
All of you are right, I should not have called the "thing" as Note dude puts it! I am not exactly sure what came out of it! I did say something that caused a lot of silence though and that made me feel good! But I understand and it will not happen again! I know better and I did not use any judgement!
I am so hurt and distraught over this! As all of you BS's know that it makes you rethink your life
and your sense of self worth! I feel so low when I am around him and I just want to scream at him and say look what you did to me? Well, I did and he thinks I am attacking his poor feelings and he comes back excusing his behavior that he is hurt too! RRRrrrrrrr! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> See, It is always about him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
But I am sorry I forgot who mentioned this, but Randy is greiving over his job. Yes it was a blow! But I have mixed feelings over that! Yes I am happy he is not there because of that ugly walking thing! Only because I would be affraid of what I could do to her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I am sad to see him unhappy because he found what somrthing that he always wanted to do! But I just cannot support him!
And you know, If feel that everytime he mopes around the house about the thing and what she did to him, it betrays me again and again! I have to live through the images of those two in an embrace and I can't handle it! I just can't!
I feel that if nothing happens in his brain, I am going to call that attorney and release myself from this situation. If he truley cares about me he would definitely put his needs behind mine!Didn't he put his needs in Texas first!
By the way, Ms. Lady, the "thing" that he messed around with is from San Antonio! What a strange coincidence. Her slutly sister is from there as well. And she still resides there too!
I have tried to find Plan "A"! I feel a little dense! Put can someone tell me how to get to it?

I also wanted to mention that Randy is giving me mixed messages! I am not sure if he is saying things and wanting to purposly hurt me for his own esteem or what he is doing?
I am too young for this to be ruining my life!
Ali
PS You know how they have child molesters posted? They should have women who go after married men posted and have to go through a screening before accepting a job to see if they are on that list and then warn all wifes of it! Or embarrass the the ugly nasty thing in the paper like they do some criminals! That would be justice! What do you all think???

RandyR and Ali88: I have done some 'cut and pasting' on this - my remarks are in ** ** as I am not that good at 'quotes' yet, sorry. I do hope that you both follow all the EXCELLENT advice given on this thread. Please!
Sincerely, Harold

originally posted by RR: Is it normal to go "in and out" of recovery??? **Yes, it is. You both are having feelings go up and down and this extreme hurt you have caused your Wife is not going to just disappear in a few days - this could take weeks or months. Her hurt will lessen as time passes, but remember, there will always be 'triggers' and that is something you are going to have to manage.**

I mean, somedays, I feel "ok" and want to work on the marriage and make it better/repair and then the next day, I feel depressed sad and want to just hang my head and cry. **Again, it's your feelings and emotions on the 'rollercoaster ride'; this continuing fallout from the Affair.**

She is in so much pain/anger right now. I think she wants me to completly stop thinking about the OW and the job that I lost down there. It was a multiple loss down in Texas. **I don't blame her - you shattered her entire world. And the sooner you stop thinking about that Job in Texas you can begin moving on from this hurt and pain. There are other good jobs other than in just Texas!**

For 3 years, I was unhappy in the positions that I had with my career. Perhaps one of the contributing reasons to the affair was the unhappiness of our marriage due to the stress of my career. I am not making excuses but when Ali and I discus what happened and why I had the affair, the point that stands out is the unhappiness at work/career and why the choices I have made in my career have been so damaging. ** Just because you may have made a few bad career choices does not mean you have to keep making them. Pull back, regroup, reevaluate, and then move ahead with a new plan of attack on the career front.**

The job in McAllen made me feel alive again!! I had so much success down there and for the first time in my life, I felt confident and so important. But my wife was not with me!!! AND THIS IS WHERE HER BITTERNESS LIES AS WELL. The OW got me when I was happy and Ali (My wife) only knows me when I am sad and depressed. **The next time you have to move for a new job - TAKE YOUR WIFE & FAMILY WITH YOU!!!!**

Most of you are going to say "LET GO" or "STOP PUNISHING YOURSELF" but my happiness has been almost non existent for the past 5 years. I take all of the responsibility in the career choices that I have made so I don't want the nasty responses. **Just because you have been unhappy for the past 5 years is no reason to continue being unhappy. It is up to YOU to change things so you and your Family can be happy again**

Group, is it normal to go into ups and downs when trying to repair the marriage??? How do you repair the marriage from something so devestating than this. **Yes, it is normal - emotions have been violently shattered and this is all part of the long road to recovery. However, it takes YOU and your Wife to make it happen. You both get into Marriage Counseling TOGETHER not separately, but TOGETHER. Read Dr. Harley's book: "Surviving An Affair." Go to the Christian bookstore and stock up on Marriage Books. Read them. Heed them. "Guard Your Heart" is an excellent read - it's about protecting your Marriage and you both against Affairs.**

Worse, how do get over an affair that ended so violently that the "other person" is walking around as if nothing ever happened and is so evil that nothing effects her or when Ali calls, the response back fires!!!! **Vengeance is mine, I will repay says the Lord. She will get her comeuppance soon enough. You said her husband is taking her back after she has had 2 affairs on him. Either the guy is a total DOPE or he is very henpecked, or he's having an Affair of his own. Either way, I say IT SUX TO BE IN EITHER OF THEIR SHOES. And Ali NEEDS to STOP calling Mrs. Slut-bucket!!! She's a LOSER and a sleaze of the lowest type, plus a LIAR to boot. You both have got to forget her and move on with today - a NEW day!!**

I don't know how to make things better between my wife and I. She is so angry with me right now!! When we talk, she wants to talk about "us" but I don't know where to begin. We end up talking about the OW. Ali keeps telling me she was 30X better looking and that she (OW) looked like white trash. I don't respond because we are not really accomplishing anything. **You need to talk about 'us' beginning in Marriage Counseling. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get into Marriage Counseling ASAP!!! You wife is venting and it is her way of beginning to accept that you did have an Affair on her and she's trying to get her feelings out so she can begin healing. Women talk. Women need to talk - whether or not things are bad - women talk. That is the way God made women. Accept it. You and your wife should have been talking on a mature adult level years ago - and this Affair would not have happened. You did not guard your heart, therefore, you slipped. We're all imperfectly-created humans and because we're that way, we have to STAND GUARD on our Hearts to keep away the attacks on our Marriages and Family.**

Group/when I mop, I am thinking about McAllen, Texas. How I loved my job and the people and I was begining to adjust to the area. But Ali starts screaming at me that I am associating the job with the affair at work. **Face it - McAllen and that job are gone like a fart in the wind! You WILL find another job just as good as that one - if not better. So you lost a good job. Accept it. There are MORE jobs out there - you WILL find one. You have the experience and knowledge to do it.**

GROUP.....THE WORST PART RIGHT NOW FOR ME IS THAT I FINALLY FELT GOOD ABOUT MYSELF AND MY SELF WORTH AND MY WIFE WAS NOT AROUND TO SEE ME!!! **True, but when you work on getting another job - a better one - then she will see you again like that! And this time, take her with you so she will see you happy and having good self-worth!**

She yells, screams and is abusive. BUT SOMETIMES I THINK SHE HAS A RIGHT....I cheated on her!!!! **She does have a right - you have totally shattered her world and sense of security! She has to get those feelings out somehow. Time will heal her pain, slowly, but it will heal. You getting into Marriage Counseling RIGHT NOW will certainly help. So DO IT. Now. Today.**

Please help me. Can some of you try telling her NOT TO CALL THIS WOMAN!!!!

THE OW really likes getting a rise from my wife!! She doesn't care that she broke apart or marriage. **Of course she does. She's a HOMEWRECKER and selfish and does not care who she hurts.** When Ali called her last week, the OW claimed I bought her things. NOT TRUE!!!!! In fact, one of the reasons as to why the affair ended was because I wasn't paying attention to her in the end. **Again, Ali NEEDS to STOP calling her right now!!!! She is only going to continue pouring salt on her wounds by calling Ms. SlutBucket! No good can ever be accomplished by her calling her. She's a LOSER and a HUGE MISTAKE, so DON'T bother with her anymore. Leave her alone like you'd leave a nest of hornets alone!!**

THERE IS NO LIGHT AT THE END OF OUR TUNNEL FOR HAPPINIESS!!!! **Right now, the way you're both doing things, I guess not. So it is up to YOU and YOUR WIFE to change that. Get into Marriage Counseling NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Turn that corner. Change direction. Just because I head up I-35 to Oklahoma City is no reason I will get to Oklahoma City IF I change direction, is it? So CHANGE YOUR DIRECTION NOW!!**

AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE SAD FOR THE LOSS OF THE JOB AND THE FACT THAT I FEEL EMPTY AT TIMES BECAUSE I MISS THE PEOPLE AND THE AREA IN TEXAS???? **Yes, as long as it's understood you really liked Texas, the job and the people (excluding Ms. Slutbucket) there.**

Randy,

I just want to scream at him and say look what you did to me? Well, I did and he thinks I am attacking his poor feelings and he comes back excusing his behavior that he is hurt too! RRRrrrrrrr! See, It is always about him!

Here is a suggestion of how to handle this. When your wife tells you of her anger, listen. Tell her that you know she is in pain, that you caused that pain and want to help her heal. Do not say anything about how you hurt too. Do not try to dismiss or diminish what she you have put her through.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html Here is link to Dr. Harley's Article "What Are Plan A & Plan B"
May the Lord bless you both and heal your hurting hearts, my friends.
Sincerely, Harold

"RR, it appears that for the first time in a long while you were really feeling good about yourself and competent and you are kicking yourself because you blew it."

For the first time in 6 years, Randy felt good about himself. Tragically, this all ended with the affair to a woman that was basically a leech with no heart.

RR wrote the message above using my user name!
I don't have any pity on what that thing did to my husband! She never would have "sucked him emotionally dry" if he stayed commited to me!
Ali

I am not sure what to do here! I am afraid to make a choice and have it be the wrong one! Do any of you honestly see RR wanting to work things out? I am here why? If I choose to leave and he does wake up, then I have left him without giving him a chance. But if I don't, and he still continues to treat me this way then what?
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

alli, you all really need marriage counseling and a few weeks apart. Both of you are too angry to deal with each other. Both of you are hurt. You need a mediator.

From the dialouges I have read, RR is in a cycle of hurt and depression, you are furious and betrayed and you two are just going round and round with those emotions.

If you two can each go to IC and MC, you might have a shot. I don't think you all are going to be able to work this out yourselves though. There is too much hurt and anger.

I heartily SECOND what naive' said - perhaps RandyR is just 'frozen' and unable to make any sort of move to begin this Healing Process. Maybe you, Ali88 could get the ball rolling - I know it sounds pathetic that you, the Betrayed Spouse have to get this train started, but apparently RandyR is just going to stay in his RUT. He's been given LOADS of excellent advice and he still takes none of it!
Harold

and for gosh sake, tell him to stop posting as you!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well, I have some interesting news for all of you!
Our youngest son was evaluated today because of his eating patterns and his sleeping patterns too! While the two people were doing the evaluation, RR walked in from work! They asked him to join and give his opinion and his observation of what he sees with our youngest son. To make very long story short, they noticed R was in real emotional trouble & R is going to see a Dr. and I am going to have my counsling as well! We are also going to have our sessions together and get help for our kids who is taking a lot of stress! I feel a huge load has been released from me. R just broke down and cried and the occupational therapist who has a lot of pull thought that we need the help ASAP!
Randy is starting his medication and will start intensive therapy! She said what you all have been saying on MB but she thinks he is so far in the "dumps' that good advice that is givin will roll off because he can't even think straight!!!!
I like her because she is a Dr. Phil type of person, TELL IT LIKE IT IS! No tip toeing to save a feeling!
R also talked to one of his good friends at work today! It so happens that the HO THING went after him not only because of his looks, but because of me??? Never met me but saw my picture and thought of Randy as a challege or a game to get him away from his "pretty wife"! How sick is that? She bragged about me calling and was laughing! Gosh poopoo darn it, what the heck was I thinking when I called that HO THING??? Uggg, But like I said before in my last posting, I said something and afterwards there was complete silence! I tell you the comment! She said "Apparently you couldn't satisfy your man"! My reply, "At least I could make him c*m which apparently you couldn't do!" I know, pretty trashy on my end! But hey, It felt good!
I know God will take care of her in the end but I know there are angels on this earth who will give the demons a little taste of what yet is to come!
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when it happens!
I am just praying that our lives will start on the right road! But as you know R has got to help! But does he want to be with me because he feels obligated or because he really loves me?
I am still confused but happy that a real professional will be helping all of us! I need my kids in a healthy environment!
Again, you all our so wonderful and I don't think I have ever felt this much care from people I never met! It is nice to know that there are a lot of caring people who do care about someone else's pain and who is willing to help unconditionally! You are all angels and please continue to post! R's session is this week not sure when I wasn't there when the appointment was being made! Yeaaaaaa! I will check in later tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ali

Hey Ali that's fantastic! I believe y'all have TURNED A MAJOR CORNER! You are definitely on the right track. Keep it up and don't 'lose the faith'
This is the best news on this thread in awhile.
I'm so happy for you both!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
May you both find the Love and Happiness you both deserve.
Harold

I just read Cherri's posting about the realization of a divorce! I am more confused than ever! Reading our postings, do you think R wants to stay married to me? His job choice seems to more important than our marriage! If he is successful at his job then he will be successful in his marriage! That is how he views it. I mentioned before, I don't want to be with someone if they don't want to be with me! I am so confused!
I am completely frustrated with the signals that he is given me! Thank God we start C. soon! But he has to make the C. work! The C. can suggest until he is blue in the face but R will have to cooperate as well!
My anger is hurt! He took something that was so sacred to me and threw it away! If feel he is putting me on a shelf deciding what he wants to do with "us"! He tells me he loves me but it is so robotic!
Ali

Hi Ali! I'm sorry to hear he took something special to you and chucked it - that was uncalled for! Many of us have been posting lots of stuff on the other thread "She Was A Real Pro/Awful Person" thread. Have you been over that way lately? I'm fixing to slide over there now...
O and in response to your question, I'm of the opinion that RandyR is just sitting there soaking up all this great advice here and doing absolutely nothing with it. So do others here - we've been trying to get him to get up and get moving.
Harold

I wish I was numb again. At lesst I was fuctioning. I hate this ride! Not knowing what tomorrow will be like! I keep having day dreams about my husband and if we work together, we can be happy again! I keep visualizing fantasies with him. But, when he talks the way he does to me which is a hopeless manner, I lose all hope. I feel that he is stringing me along until he decides what he wants to do! I can't take this.
Ali

RR sounds like a person in SEVERE need for Admiration. That's what he was getting from his job, and the OW was just something that happened from the euphoria of that (just a thought). It's not the job and Texas you miss so much as it's the prestige, importance, and admiration you felt. How can you get that here? Alli can you help? I wrote my FWH a note yesterday and wrote down all the things I love about him...OK, sure, there may be only 3 things you can think of today, but every day add more and more.

I agree about the not calling OW...you're playing her game, and playing right into her. If you guys have initiated N/C that means both of you.
Start another thread of OP bashing and vent on here...

Sounds like there's quite a bit of arguing going on. After years of arguing with my H, yelling, major sarcasm, storming, I instinctively knew after d-day I had to do it differently. I was still angry but I was going to torture him another way. I was determined to show him how much I was hurt. For weeks I would walk up to him whenever I had a thought or question and hug him and ask him in his ear, very soft, very sorrowful. Behind my seething anger was hurt and betrayal and rejection, I was bound and determined to show him my honest feelings and not cover it up with anger anymore.

Alli, what would happen if you treated the situation differently?

Hey RR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From all of you, I guess I am not allowed to cry, to greive and not allowed to mourn in front of my wife. Hold it all in.

If that's what it takes....so be it!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's said with only a bit of sarcasm...but it doesn't sound as though you believe it, neither is is something that I think someone would recommend.

It's not anger, fear, frustration, or sadness that should be held in, it's how you express it. Anger shouldn't be expressed by shooting or beating people, but does that mean to hold it in?

How can you express yourself without hurting the people around you (and that means with words too). And it looks like you guys are in the habit of leaving each other when you get angry...a huge trigger for a BS ("Oh no, he's going to leave for good this time"). How about next argument if you feel you have to leave, just sit in your car, or sit outside. Get out of the situation but let her know you are still around...

How to handle your sadness? It's not so much your sadness, but the things you say that trigger Alli into thinking you may be leaving ("I miss Texas"). Behind her anger is FEAR.

Hi Ali,

Just some comments on things that you have written recently:

I just read Cherri's posting about the realization of a divorce! I am more confused than ever! Reading our postings, do you think R wants to stay married to me? …I am completely frustrated with the signals that he is given me!

Post D-day for us, my wife was very withdrawn. Face it, the thing that made her happy, gave her wonderful feelings, was over. She was sad. Depressed.

I, on the other hand, wanted her to know how much what she had done hurt me. I wanted her to commit to change things. I wanted for both of us to be working on the marriage, not just me. But she couldn’t see any of those things. In her mind, the OM was her soul mate, and life had not been fair in making her separate from that person.

In some respects, Randy is ahead of this. He realizes that OW wasn’t his dream come true. But also realizes that he is hurting too. He may be truly undecided – he’s probably as confused himself as the signals you are interpreting. But what can you do about it? Just show him that you want to be married to him. Even if you try to force a decision, he’s not ready.

Thank God we start C. soon! But he has to make the C. work! The C. can suggest until he is blue in the face but R will have to cooperate as well!

Yep, that was easy for me to understand, but hard to have the patience to accept. I hate to tell you this Alli, but you are so very early in this whole process. Withdrawal, conflict, recovery – you have a long journey ahead of you that cannot be rushed. You’re alternative is obviously divorce, but then as Cerri’s posted article pointed out, you’re just trading off one problem for another.

My anger is hurt! He took something that was so sacred to me and threw it away! If feel he is putting me on a shelf deciding what he wants to do with "us"! He tells me he loves me but it is so robotic!

I’ve found that my feelings of resentment are my own to deal with. Even at this stage of our life, 1-1/2 years after D-day, and my wife actively being MB coached and us truly on our way to Recovery, I still struggle with resentment. Recreational activities we have to miss out on to avoid OM, visions of him, wondering things about him and my wife. Even though I fully trust that there has been no contact during the past 1-1/2 years, and my wife is trying very hard for Recovery.

Probably just a very long-winded way of saying that I don’t know that Randy will ever fully comprehend the hurt he caused you. I got an apology once, but even that seem more like an explanation and justification for what they did.

I hate this ride! Not knowing what tomorrow will be like! I keep having day dreams about my husband and if we work together, we can be happy again! I keep visualizing fantasies with him. But, when he talks the way he does to me which is a hopeless manner, I lose all hope. I feel that he is stringing me along until he decides what he wants to do! I can't take this.

Ali, you can be happy together again, but probably not tomorrow or the next day. I had the same feelings of being strung along, thinking that my wife had some grand plan to upgrade when the time was right. Now I know, after the withdrawal and everything else cleared, and she talks openly and honestly to me about it, that she was just unsure of everything then. Hurting because of ending the affair, not wanting to be married, not wanting to be divorced, just wanting to be left alone.

StillHereMakingIt RR sounds like a person in SEVERE need for Admiration. That's what he was getting from his job, and the OW was just something that happened from the euphoria of that (just a thought). It's not the job and Texas you miss so much as it's the prestige, importance, and admiration you felt.

This is probably very true. EN for Admiration is very typical in men. Randy would probably say that OW made him feel very important, and admired him. Ali, it’s a need you need to meet. Yep, right now there’s probably not a lot you admire him for. But certainly it needs to be on your list going forward.

I agree about the not calling OW...you're playing her game, and playing right into her. If you guys have initiated N/C that means both of you.

Absolutely, the Rule stands for both of you. You talking to the OW is probably doing nothing but bringing the whole affair to the forefront again. It’s time to move forward. The sooner you take that contact out of your life, the sooner you can begin alleviating her memory from your life, your mind, your visions and thoughts. N/C for both of you.

P

Hummmm, No there is not a lot of arguing. But I am not going to tell you that there is none! I do tell him that I am hurt!
Funny, I worte down last night all the wonderful things I love about him and even still today! I am waiting for the right moment to give that to him so he can see the sincerity that I have for him!
Randy and I came to the conclusion along with his friends in the lone star, Randy fell with the feeling of feeling important! You are absolutly right! He got the admiration all the time! I could never amount to what he was receiving because when he came to work for that company, no one has ever put that much effort into a job there before. He changed that company around!What ever I said to him, would just roll off him. That "thing" saw R as a challenge. Upper management, nice car, Pretty wife (not my words) and yes, what she said did make him go to his head and I have no doubts that it made him feel great! But they were not genuine! It was all a line to make him say something so "it" can suck all his emotional words and feelings and make her feel whole. That "Ho thing" is what I call an emotional vampire! I am genuine and he doesn't take it!
I know it is going to be a long recovery. Believe me, I want to get this off and running so the faster we start the faster we can heal!
I want to be a shoulder that he can lean on! But at the same time I need him too! I feel that because of the A, I feel like I am more the villian in the this!
I know he would never had done this to me if I were there! The "thing" used words like, I am lonely, your lonely, we can be here for each other! Hummmmmm! If that was some guy giving me that statement, I'd run for the door! Blah, blah, blah!
We were in a bind that I could not be there for him. I stated in R's thread! That what makes me feel guilty, but I was supporting him!
Whoops got to go,baby screaming!
Ali

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> HELP <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

perhaps the two of you should agree to stay off each others threads. you've already complained about your not being safe because she reads them, so why don't you at least try to make a pact to stay away from each others threads? maybe you could move to general, ali on just found out to keep your seperate posts more private?

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: kristawny ]</small>

Ali,

It has been a couple of days and I noticed that Randy is posting for help.

How are you doing?

L.

Randy,

U received some good responses on your thread this afternoon (3/24/03). You have not responded to them yet, but you came here this evening asking for help????

I am confused.... please clarify.

Thanks,
L.

While this post is more for myself than it is for a response from the group, I needed to write down some thoughts on the OW and how my thoughts of her have changed so dramatically. These thoughts did not change overnight but after 2 months of painfully talking to my wife about the affair and how the OW responded to Alli's calls (the Ow got a "high") I see her now for what she is.

I also know I am equally guilty. For I betrayed my spouse.
************************************************
1) The affair was an inmature act and the way it was handled both at work and outside of work was inmature. I see her as selfish and highly inmature.
2) I see her now as a cruel, selfish woman who has no regard for other peoples feelings. Not once after I was fired did she try to call to apoligize or to say "sorry". There will never be any of that.
3) Some people in life really don't care about their reputation and chose to totally ignore their pasts. Although we must look forward and not back, some people hurt and inflict pain on others and really show no remorse.
4) She was never going to divorce her husband...ever. Although seperated and living apart, they are back together but that is sick bacause her husband took her back knowing about me and proabably about the other man. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. BECAUSE SHE IS PREMISCUSES!!!!!!!
5) Despite the fact that her reputation in the office is a "slut" this type of woman does not care and will continue with life as a shallow, uncaring person.
6) FOR THE OW, THE AFFAIR REALLY ENDED TWO WEEKS BEFORE I WAS FIRED ON THAT FATEFUL MONDAY AFTERNOON. PIECING THINGS TOGETHER, SHE WAS A COWARD FOR LYING TO ME ABOUT THE OTHER MAN.
7) MORE PEOPLE "LOST" WHEN THE AFFAIR ENDED. I WAS FIRED, THE "LOSER" SUPERVISOR THAT SHE WANTED TO START ANOTHER AFFAIR WITH WAS FIRED, THE COMPANY LOST OUT BECAUSE I WAS WELL LIKED AND THERE WAS EXPLAINING TO DO.
8) MY WIFE AND I WILL NEVER SEE IF THE OW WILL GET WHAT IS COMING TO HER AND ALTHOUGH WE SHOULD NOT CARE, WE BOTH HAVE THOUGHTS OF SEEING HER FIRED OR RESIGNING BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE HAS DONE.

**************************************************
For my part, I should never have asked her out on a date, knowing fully aware that "it" was going to lead to an affair. I knew what I was doing.

I acted so inmature both during the affair and after. It was why she threatened me in the end and it was why I got fired. Had I remained calm and left things alone, the Supervisor that she was wanting to start the affair with was going to get fired anyway and I could have had her fired. I saved the threat message on my cell phone but only played the message to the HR Manager and not the VP of HR. It was the VP that fired me.

I am sorry for Alli!!!! She was up at all hours knowing that the affair was taking place but denying it all along. Alli, I am sorry!!! When you told me last night that on weekends you would be pacing the floor thinking about me in Texas with her and trying to call me......I could only imagine what you were going through.

Alli, you knew about her months before it ended, you had the pictures but you kept telling yourself that I would not do it. I would not cross the line. I am so sorry!!!

Alli, I see the OW for what she is. Worse than a monster and someone that will continue hurting, abusing and setting a horrible example for her children. For I see now that her oldest(18) followed her footsteps with multiple affairs as well and her other children also have emotional problems.

Alli, you are the perfect role model for our children because you are there for them at because you want the family to succeed.

Randy, you are really doing great coming to realizations. Honestly you are. You are starting to shift your focus onto you. More and more you need to see your role only in this. People can only do to you what you allow. You allowed this by starting an affair with her. You did it, it is done. Focus on now, focus on your wife and how much she means to you. Open your eyes and heart and see how beautiful she is, you see what a wonderful mother she is, see what a wonderful person she is.

I have watched my husband's eyes open. It has taken a few months, but it is amazing to see the way he views the ow and I now. It is amazing the realizations he has come to. You will get there, but you have to let go of your thoughts of her and Texas. It is done. You got *yourself* fired, she didn't, you did. Yes, she sucked you in, but what did you expect? She was married, you are married, did you think she had honor? You saw how she parented her kids, what made you think she had any real feelings for you? Men and women who have affairs are liars, they are dishonest, they have no honorable goals. They are only thinking of themselves, they aren't thinking of the person they are with, the spouse, no one but them.

When you come to an honest realization of this, without thought of what she did to you, you will be able to then start righting your wrongs. It took my H a while also.

You and Ali are equally to blame for the state of your marriage. You are 100% to blame for your affair, no one else.

did you mean this one ali?

My God he just came in crying saying that he is still hurting because "How can anyone dump someone like that"? UUUUHHH, HELLO! What the bleep'in did he do to me???? This is when I want to bash is brain in!
Now he called me a name because I told him not to cry to me about how he got "dumped"! Like I want to support that crap!
I don't know about what he write and what he acts is totally different!
He sees that thing for what it is!
He does need to get beat up and no more tiptoeing to save his "fragile feeling"! ENOUGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Ali

yep, right now he's so thick in the fog, mere common sense can't penetrate. he doesn't want it to, because then he'd have to face what he's done to you.

i can understand why you want to bash his brains in! the stuff pouring out of his mouth borders on amazing, all about how it's all evil ow fault, about how she got him fired. he expects you to be understanding about his pain, while not getting the fact that while his is self-inflicted, yours is the direct result of his actions.

it may not be healthy for you to stay in this marriage right now, it seems like all he's doing is giving you more reasons to hate him. have you considered a cooling off period? it might be easier for you if you didn't have to see his moping, because i know that's got to pissing you off royally! and it might force him to realize what he's about to push away.

i admire you for staying strong, for not letting what he's done make you into a victim! which is good because i think a family can only take one victim, and your husband has a death grip on that title! if you want to save your marriage, don't let him kill it! what he's doing could be like water to your rock, steadily wearing it away until there's nothing left. which may be a good reason to leave now, while there's still hope, before you grow to hate him.

and i truly admire you for keeping both feet on the ground and not in his rear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Trust me Kris, I am not as strong as I seem! Or at least lately! I hate the feelings that are with this affair Damage! As you all know, I somehow have to rebuild my self confidence! I have none at this time! I find myself crying at the simplest things! I look at him and I want him to hold me and tell me that he really still loves me.
And want him to beg for forgiveness! But he keeps brining that thing/job/texas up! And visions in my mind keep going around with lots of questions to ask! And if he doesn't talk about it, his body sure is! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Randy is gone for most of the week! Oddly that is when my body goes in to panic mode! It is just a reminder of what it was like when he was screwing that thing! The house was so silent so lonely! And I knew what he was doing and I couldn't do a damn thing! I knew that "thing" was laughing in her mind saying: "I'm screwing your husband"!
"He likes me over you"! "I got him away from you"
And all the sweet wonderful words he would say to the thing? I can only imagine! Now I am hearing from him nothing but bitterness and sorrow! A lot LB's and no love deposits! I am so insecure right now that I can't function!
I would call his phone and he would turn it off!
The night goes by so slow with tons of anxiety then and now!
If he can move forward then I will too! Tew says that he is stuck on the thing. I think she might be right! He is not over the thing! He says that he sees it for what the thing really is, then why does he still dwell on that thing?

He is still betraying me emotionally! Am I wrong?
Ali <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He is still betraying you without meaning to. He is like a drug addict...a drug addict that knows the thing was wrong for him, and what he wants out of life, but still has a craving. He has tied Texas, the thing, his job into one big bundle, and is mourning the loss of what he perceived as a good time. I wish he would do it on here and not share so much of it with you...likewise, you can share your anger here, and not so much of it at him...

I wish you each had your separate topics and would not read the others unless invited to, that way you can write without repercussions.

How much have you read? Of other's stories, of Dr. Harley's advice/work onthe website. He spells it out. It seems a bit formulaic, but most of us are on here because the formula seems to be working.

But, it didn't work right away...it's taken you years for M to get like this, it will take awhile to get back...and a better M. I know, hard to beleive it may be a better M, but consider this a wakeup call.

Don't make any rash decisions. He is still living under the influence of the drug. Wait until meds kick in and counseling has begun. Post here...Read here. Find some people you want to correspond with.

hi still,

i have read a lot! but really am trying to work at his methods but very difficult when rr doesn't want to work at it! i am using a lot of it for myself! it is a lot of hard work! i don't necessarily agree with what he is saying in some areas! maybe my head is in a fog and i am too defensive right now!
we are invited to see what the other has written!
he offers me to have a look at what he is written about! sometimes i chose and other times i fear what i am going to read!
it is not so much that it is an addiction but an anger that has taken over his whole body to get revenge on this ugly sleazy thing! i hate when he tells mb that i want it too! in fact, what i want is for him to work on us because i know later that will be the best revenge ever! does he see that now? obviously not!
he is so full of hatred for the ugly thing that it is taking over his life and communication with me to rebulid what we have lost in the disruction of the affair! As i said before,, i am the one who has to pick up the pieces and i am overwhelmed doing all by myself! too me, i am not important enough in his eyes to want to help!
ali

Whoops I did it again! I did not realize that I wrote under RR name! I apologize for any confusion
on my part! I have to be more careful! I realized it when I hit add reply!
sorry! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Ali

Ali, first of all I commend you. I don't know how you've come as far as you have.

One of the ways I was able to move on from my WH's affair was to seperate myself from him and to truly assess what my life would be like without him. I sat down with pen and paper. I wrote out financials, I made monthly budgets, I decided I would have to sell the house, rent a place, I did a spreadsheet of how I could then save up again, how I could start over. I closed my eyes and imagined myself alone, day after day, I picture visitations and imagined myself being cordial (because dammit I still loved him even if I couldn't handle BEING with him) and I realized in the end that I would be...okay. That I could do it on my own. That in some ways it would hurt less than dealing with the fallout of his betrayal. It helped me to become strong and to not put up with any crap because I had choices.

I guess what I'm saying is... Randy doesn't sound like he's made much progress and it's obviously killing you. It's time to start planning and to take care of YOURSELF and your children. Obviously right now he isn't man enough to handle that task.

*hug* I'm so sorry. You have your hands full as it is with two little ones with special needs. The idea that a man would emotionally abandon you with not only that on your plate but his betrayal is unthinkable to me. If you have any family near you I would encourage you to ask for their support as much as possible. You deserve to take care of you.

If Mr. RandyR is so hung up on Texas, he can come find a wonderful job right here in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Area! Food Logistics Manager?
SYSCO Systems is headquartered right here in Dallas. This area is the fastest-growing in the entire USA right now, and has been for the past 3 years.
BUTT! He needs to take YOU and YOUR KIDS with him this time!!!!! No more of this 'leaving y'all behind crap' nosir! He's having this self-esteem thing problem, he needs to think about YOUR self-esteem too.
JMHO.
Harold

Hi Still and Dude!
I just wanted to mention that I did analyze what my life would be like without him!
I know he would definitely have to support me while I would go back to school and finish. Chicago is very expensive place to live! I thought long and hard a plan that would best suite the needs of my kids! If that plan is ever is needed I will definitely use it! I basically managed this big house by myself with the exception of lawn care and shoveling the snow. My wonderful neighbors did that for me! Without me asking too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I am still in love with Randy and never fathom the idea that he would ever do this to me! I just want him to move forward and work on us! That is the most frustrating part of this whole thing!
By the way, he had mentioned that I want revenge! I wish he would stop adding me to his flunky list! I told him what I wanted my closure to be and I mentioned that I will never get it because what I want is in the past to change it! And that will never happen! Sure that evil thing gets me so angry as well as him! But I do not let her control me the way he does! I am not going to say i don't think about that thing! Do you know how humiliating it would be if that thing were to find this website and all of our postings???? She would probably be thinking look at all the power I have! I do not want her to have that satisfaction!
Anyway, Dude what do you play! Mr. Musician! What are you into???
Funny, I want to stay clear away from Texas! Although, nasty, dirty, scummy McAllen isn't really Texas. It looks more like Mexico! But it is great during our freezing months! And to add one more thing, RR mentioned a lot on the phone that McAllen was a horrible place to live! He is just remembering the life! He complained everyday about that ugly town! McAllen is the "jewel" of the valley! You ought to see what's around! UGLY! Need I say more? If he finds a job out of state, preferably Florida, by all means, I am packed! His job last year came at the most inconvenient time in our lives! If it had happened now? Much better chance!
until later,
Ali

Hi Ali88! Yes, I do agree that the area near McAllen is definitely 'little Mexico' one I would not want to live in. We visited South Padre Island this past Summer - wonderful place on the beach - until a hurricane comes in.. No, I'm talking about the area where I live - sure, it's flat as a dime, but I live out of town - in Granbury - the Northern Edge of Hill Country. Fact is, the ONLY mesa in North Texas is sitting about a half mile from my house - what a view! Lots of woods here and a nice lake.
This little town is just where it's at! Of course, to each their own preferences.
Regarding music, hehehee, well, the only musical instrument I can play is the radio or CD player hehee.
I have always enjoyed music - from Top 40 to acid rock, classic rock, country, gospel, bluegrass, rap, techno, disco, and EuroClub trance. Basically, I like all 'genres' as they call it. Last year, I discovered the wonderful world of MP3 File-Sharing online and (not to brag) but really got into it. Right now, there are 6,400 tunes on this computer. I had to buy another hard drive - filled the other one right up heheee. I will say there is some music that has disgusting lyrics, the band sucks, or the music just doesn't move me - in that case, I do not listen to those songs. Melody and lyrics are everything when it comes to music. Hope this answered a few questions.
Peace and Joy to you and RandyR.
Harold

The house situation is interesting...

I keep thinking, monetarily, what is your M worth?

If you had known things would have worked out the way they did in TX, would you have done things differently? Taken a loss on the house, moved down there to prevent the situation. Or do you sit back and say "see, I told you so".

Sorry about that last jibe, it's just something I would have said, a demon I'm trying to fight.

You and I sound like we handle our M similarly. I had/have little respect for my H, and it shows in everything I do for him, around him. I am struggling VERY hard to change that.

Those who dwell on the past are doomed to repeat it... Don't know who said that but in your case, RandyR - you need to not dwell on it.
You have a wide open road in front of you. You've been on these boards for most of this month now, just standing there. Your wife wants you to start walking (with her) down that road to a better future (with her). So you took a side road with the other person that led to a cliff. Now you're back on the main road again. Take your wife's hand and begin walking in the right direction. You have tons of advice and an excellent road map to keep you from straying again...
Take that first step. Do it today.
Harold

Hi Ali,

Sometimes when we're in the middle of a situation like you are and I was a couple of years ago. We put all our anger and focus on the OP. Your H is probably not going to like this but she probably doesn't even think of him. Your H means nothing to her and for you my dear, that is a trump card for you. I know the pain is still there and it hurts like hell what he's done but there is and never will be anything with those two again. The OW has made that clear. She dumped your H for another man, she won't be coming back for yours. Don't focus on her. Easier said than done, I know.

Sometimes when life throws unpleasant things our way we have two choices: Let it fester and grow and become more angry, full of hatred, obsessed with negative thinking or we can ask ourselves what can we learn from what has happened? I know this sounds cliche but it's true. My H's affair although devastating and cost me a near total nervous breakdown at the time was probably the best thing that could have happened to me and us as a couple. I had to take a hard look at myself and learn and realize what I wasn't doing that made him feel that he had to go to another woman. Don't get me wrong, I take absolutely no responsibility in his A, he was the one who chose to stray instead of communicating what was wrong.

You can grow stronger because of this and as you grow stronger you will see things in yourself that you didn't even know were there.

Focus on you for now, not the A. When you put the focus on you, you become stronger and wiser and your whole family will reap the benefits of this.

If you're not seeing a counsellor I would suggest it, and see one alone as well as a couple if you can. Read everything you can get your hands on. And don't let your H mope about the OW, you have enough to deal with personally and emotionally. You don't need to hear how wrong the OW treated him. First, you don't deserve it and you don't need it. The more he mopes and talks about this the more it puts you back. If he starts talking about how badly he was treated, get up and walk away. Do not engage him in his wallowing self-pity. Walk out of the room with dignity. If you stop talking about that part he may get the message that you don't want to hear it anymore.

take care
xxx

Hi Still and everyone else! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Absolutely not! I would still had to stay back because of my son and waited to see if Randy would have been stable! But Randy and I made that decision off of trust! Like I said, I never fathom the idea that he would ever cheat on me! It never crossed my mind! We were having a hard time in our M due to his job loses with his self worth! I felt like I was consistently his cheerleader and psychiatrist! I became pooped! And the fact that we had a new baby that needed surgery, the fact that I did not look like the person he had married! He found me physically unattractive! Still no excuse! He left for Texas when we were very vulnerable! If, I could back and change it? Or what could I have done to differently? There was nothing I could do except when he asked me the question; "How do you know when someone likes you more than a friend?" I should have "interrogated" him a little more! I am not sure if there was a whole lot I can do! If I lived closer and he was at home, OH YES!!!!!
I am frustrated at the fact that he does continue about how it ended! Again, my response? Who CARES!!!!!! I am glad it did! If she did not end it, I still think they would have continued until I moved down there this month! This is when I was finally going to join him!
I really want to get past this! Last night I was stuck in my jeep listening him go on and on about her! I wanted to throw him out! I did not respond or say anything! I was listening to the radio! Or at least trying to! The hurt in so deep! He just doesn't see it! No matter how hard I try explaining it to him, I feel that he views me as a sibling rather than his wife! Like I said before, if he is sincere enough to realize the mistakes he made a wants to full heartily put this in the past, I am all for it! he can lesson the pain with empathy and sympathy! But all I hear is how sorry he is for the job loss!
MC and home therapy starts! I forgot to give the our insurance card number for the to move forward! Total error on my end!
Ali

I'm a look on the bright side of things.

Many of us on here wish our WSs would tell us about the A. Would be honest with us about their feelings.

You have that gift, but it is also a curse. Now I realize that maybe the close mouth I get from my WH is sometimes good.

Have you thought about scheduling times when you can hear it, and when you can't...the constant pain can be trying. Only take as much as you want...like an hour? half hour? less? this much time a day? week? month? year?

Hi Ali88! That's wonderful you two are beginning Marriage Counseling!! It made my day when I read that, we've been praying for you to get into MC and begin the healing process. I've also noticed that RandyR's last 2 posts sure sound more upbeat and it gave me the strong feeling that he has begun the Road to Recovery from this mess. Now if he will stop talking so much about the OW and the job in Texas - I think you'll both move forward a lot faster. We're going to keep up the prayers for you and also about that upcoming job interview in St. Louis.
Harold

Am I crazy or can I get some comfort from Randy? When he is gone, I am all jitters!
It is like the nightmare of knowing that he is with someone all over again. But this time, in my mind I know that they had slept together! Obviously he is not with someone else but it is like a flash back!
I cannot go into public without something reminding me of what happened! So, to finish what I was starting out with. I was in line and of course, I heard that song that I love but can't listen to it, "When you lie next to me!" I was praying that my youngest would start to scream and throw a tantrum so I could block it out! But he didn't! I could not hold back the tears and I came home and called Randy! I had told him what had happened and he said he would call me back in a couple of hours to discuss this!
I just want to be comforted and wanted to know that he really wants to work on us! But he called back, I got the third degree! I am totally trusting him with my feelings and he is shooting them down! This is why I could not say or do before he left for Texas. I would keep them in and somehow retaliate in some other way! I know now not to do that! But that is why I had built this wall around myself because I can't stand to be hurt!
I need reassurance and I am not getting any! He is the only one that can help me! Please tell me if I am wrong! He just doesn't get it! I love him so much but I can't stand to be stepped on especially if I am being sincere! And especially by him!
He says he wants to work on our M. But how when he puts a time limit when it is my turn to talk??? He says to me in a very mean manner, "OK what are we looking at? Are we going to stay up until 12:30/1:00 am"!!!? Funny, that "Thing" would come over after a long days work at 3 in the morning and they would screw and talk! She would leave at 5 in the morning! OK for her but no time made for me. I am just not that important to him. I listen to him the other night about how that "thing" did him wrong for two hours! And he won't take the time out to help "fix" us! He says he can't because he is still hurting! This hurt should have never happened in the first place! I am fully aware that it did! But gee's, he said he wants to work on the marriage, why isn't he? I am being put on hold again! I have to wait until a perfect job comes along or when he is in the mood!
OK please forgive me because I am getting angry! I am sorry, but I have had enough of this crap! He is getting the idea from somewhere that he is allowed to feel this pain!
I am sorry but I cannot condone what he had done! I have no empathy for him! He expects me to have it and be patient with him! AHHH NO! When, I knew about the affair in February, I begged him to stop! I think I have been patient for too long now! And this pain that he is feeling, he did this to himself!
I am so torn in my feelings! I am hurting so bad! I still don't know where to go with the pain! I just want to crawl under my comforter and sleep the days away until my thoughts give me something better! My kids are the only thing that is making me go and the every now and then hope that he gives me!
I am reading Surviving an affair but I am not getting much out of it! It is not the same by the MB founder. I think I might be in a fog!
He has no clue to the pain I am in! None what so ever! I am a firm believer that actions speak loader than words! A whole lot of talking and no actions to be supporting it! I forgot who said it but the BS's usually are the ones stronger than the WS!
I printed out a lot of Plan A. My son used it as coloring paper and I can't get back to that link! Can someone give me that link again! I need to reread and reevaluate things.
Am I missing the boat??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Ali

Triggers, those nasty little reminders of the A that occur when you LEAST expect them to. Now you know of another one, more will come. They subside in time. Sometimes to be replaced by others. I think it gets better.

It may have been me that told Randy it's OK to feel his pain. But I also told him it's NOT OK to inflict it on you, talk about it, even bring up the subject, unless you say it's OK.

OK, Ali, time for you to tell Randy what you need from him. Don't need time limits, your love is timeless, don't need rehashing of his hurt...that's what this forum is for, to protect the people around you, yet let your feelings out.
What else? Make a list. Let him in on how he can help you get over this. Ask him what he needs. You can then tell each other what you can and can't do for each other (like listen for 2 hours about pain from getting dumped). YOu both need help to overcome the pain. You acn't always rely on each other, that's what this is for, but you can ask more clearly of each other for what you want.

Pardon my fingers, I think faster than I type.

Hey Ali88! I'm really sorry to hear how he's treating you and this situation. Saying stuff like 'How long we staying up this time, 1am?' etc. is not justified - it's SARCASM and sarcasm is a serious major LOVEBUSTER! He needs to get that now. He sounds to me like he's doing a lot of talking (good) but he's not allowing you time to talk (not good). If anything, YOU should be doing most of the talking - after all, you were the one betrayed and somehow RandyR is not understanding this - he keeps focusing on what he lost in Texas and how he got dumped - now as a guy I can state that his 'male ego' has gotten bruised and he can't stand it. He is not being fair and equitable to you to allow you time to talk and especially when he talks for a long time about what happened to him, how he feels, etc. What about how YOU feel??! He needs to spend more time LISTENING to you as well. I am sure you give him ample time to vent - and you need equal time. Tell him we said so!!! I'm sure everyone here posting would agree to that.
PS - Here is that Plan A LinK you asked for: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html
More prayers needed and you both certainly have them from me!
Harold

I just feel like venting!
I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM! I can't understand why he said he felt so guilty about what he was doing. he said he felt slimy and dirty! But..... he kept on going back! Do any of you really believe he felt guilty? He knew in February that I knew about his A. I begged him to stop!I was hysterical and asked him why? I was so numb by that time that I was in such denial that I was in a fog myself! I was like a robot!
I saw a women that kinda looked liked her today! Same wrinkles around the mouth, same height & almost the exact hair cut! I wanted to stare her down and punch her! God! This is making me crazy!
I look at him in my memory of when he was cheating on me and I get so angry! And what gets me more angry, the fact he feels so sorry for himself! He is a jerk! This is what happens to me when I go into public!
Yes, little reminders are every where! And that song "Picture" Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow. He said that song reminded him of us! hummm, I wonder why?
OK must make dinner!
Ali
By the way, I tried telling him what I needed from him and he says that he is still hurting from being dumped and the job loss! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> In other words, So what that if he hurt me, he needs to grieve! [censored]! Never mind my feelings!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> rrrrrr!

Ali88 I really am sorry he's continuing to do this to you. So basically, he's putting HIMSELF in front of you again! That is a major LoveBuster and he needs to realize that. His male ego is a major problem here - from what he's telling you. Somehow, we gotta make him see that he needs to LOSE that ego and place your marriage before his ego - until he realizes that and acts on it, he is going to continue to spin his wheels and go round and round in circles.
Harold

HELP!!!!!!!
Why am I torturing myself right now? TLC has a special regarding crop circles. I Love TLC, The Discovery Channel and especially Animal Planet!
Jeff Corwin and Steve Irwin, My heroes! But anyway, Randy and that "ugly thing" rented out the movie Signs with Mel Gibson, a movie that I wanted to see! But anyway, I just envision them having the movie on but not really watching it! A total make out session that leads in to sex! GOD! I can't take this anymore!!!
How do you all stop the envisions! I am a fractured and a disfigured person right now who doesn't know what to do right now!
I have experienced death but at least it is closure! I am constantly reminded by the horror of what he did to our marriage! I know I am repeating myself a lot! I am not sure where I am going!
Randy is a person who (believe it) has a lot to offer! This person that we are seeing unfortunately is the person that is taking up so much energy and sorts from Randy's good qualities. We are seeing a droid!
I just miss what I was to him! I was so easily replaced! I told him that his low self esteem could have been one of the reasons why he cheated on me! I could have completely filled his Love Bank, but honestly, I think he felt so low about himself that this "thing" seduced him. She saw a sucker! Someone that was lonely and needed a "friend"! We all know she used him! But he should have stopped right there! That is a compliment that some one other than your wife finds you desirable! He has a lot of women that flirt with him. You would think OK I am attractive but my heart belongs to my wife! Nope not him!
What I am mostly upset about is that he had a wife that loved him unconditionally and was going to stick it out no matter what the out come was. I believed in him! I know what qualities lie in Randy and I was being patient until he found his nitch again! He made two bad career choice. I told him; "Put Michael Jordan on the basketball court you have a champion. You take him out and put him on a baseball field and he goes from basketball superstar to a laughing joke! From majors to minors! Talk about an ego bust! In other words, Randy went out of his area and tried something new, he bombed! He made a risk! Unfortunately he didn't do what he expected of himself! Next job came, he tried it because he went five months of being unemployed. He felt useless and this was a great company. I am sure we all been there! He was in the Logistics end of it and it was not like and what he was used to! He didn't have a snowball chance in hell as a good honest friend of ours said!
I supported him, I felt the pain that he was going through. I helped him again, I was pregnant and had a newborn at the time of the loses! I was adjusting to being a mother of one to a mother of two! I stayed strong and kept him motivated!
I have no idea why I am justifying his actions! But all I know is that I am hurting and I can't stand living from day to day! My feelings are interfering with my daily routine and I can't function! I thought he was my other half who loved me! I am now nothing to him! Just replaced by a nasty little slut that is ruining more marriages I am sure!
I hate him for not being strong enough. I hate him for not remembering how much I loved him! I hate him for not stopping when he knew it was wrong! I hate him because he did not think of our sons. I hate him because he was extremely selfish! He knew I was staying back supporting him and his decision until we could comfortably move down there!
HELP ME! So getting back, why am I torturing myself with these thoughts and images?
The rage is becoming unbearable! Is this normal?
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Ali88! Yes, the rage is normal - you're in the Anger Phase of recovery. It sucks, it's no fun, but it will pass. And RandyR's staying stuck on what HE feels instead of listening to you and what you feel is making this worse! Is there any way you can somehow get him to see that. His Male Ego is seriously hamstringing your Recovery.
JMHO - I know I don't have all the answers, but this is my take on this matter.
How about some help here?
Harold
I know so much good solid advice has been posted by so many of you. Maybe someone could re-word this in a way that might get RandyR's attention? He's having attention deficit problems again. And please, keep up the prayers for this couple, OK?
Sincerely, Harold

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Just when you think you are getting some where, he throughs you through a loop!
I am sick of this! But I am still in love with him! This S*cks!

Hi Ali88! Don't know if RR is still in St. Louie on that job interview, but he's not posted lately on either of thread. I posted this on the other one 'she was an awful person..' thread and hope maybe he will read it on this thread.
***************************
Sarcasm to his wife.
Feeling sorry for himself because his Male Ego has been bruised.
Not listening to his wife.
Spending most of their time talking together venting about what happened to him and crying over spilt milk.
Not giving his wife equal time to vent and pour her feelings out.
RandyR - you got REAL problems! You need to correct this NOW if your Marriage and Recovery has any hope of ever moving forward. You can NOT stay stuck in this rut - you need to 'shake it off' regroup and MOVE ON!!
Harold
*******************************

I got an unexpected e-mail from my sister!
She is so angry at Randy for treating me like a piece of "Sh*t"! We had about forty people over most of them were friends for our oldest son's birthday party Saturday! She and a few people noticed that Randy did not interact with me or even bother to help with anything! He ignored me!
If I ever need the help, it is now! I am in such a state of depression and I am desprate! He called me last night at 2:30 am crying about that "thing"! Didn't he say he was "over it"? And I thought it was more about the job??
Please could someone tell me what to do here? I am so sick to my stomach! He flip flops daily about how he feels about me!
Ali <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey Ali, I tried to email you an hour ago but it bounced. Drop me an email and we can chat if you want

Hi Ali! I'm sorry that RR is doing that to you - putting you on his rollercoaster. Is he still in St. Louis? Sounds like he still hasn't put his bruised MALE EGO aside yet to put YOU in front of it.
'Crying about the thing' he needs to get his ducks straight!
Harold
We're keeping praying for y'all.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... so where's RandyR? Any news about the St. Louie job interview? Lots of peeps here in suspense...
Harold

Hi Dude!

We are eagerly awaiting for the news! He just flew to the corporate HQ's to do the last interview! He is back but staying with my parents. Chi traffic is unbearable to drive in! We live about 85 miles from that position he took! sometimes it can take him 2 1/2 hours just to get home. I am praying to God that he gets this position. If this is going to make him happy I am right behind him! There are two position, one in St. Louis and the other here. I am hoping it is here because of our son's school. They put together an education plan for him! I am quite pleased with the care level and the effort that are putting into him!
But right now, I am at stand still. I am not sure of Randy's intentions with "us" and I thought that I was strong in the beginning but it has become worse. I am having scary thoughts. I visited my Dr. about medication, her office is right below my son's OT/ SP therapy. So while he was in therapy I decided to pay her a visit. Unfortunately, she was delivering a baby! I am still waiting for her to get back with me!
He again said that he wants to work on us and realizes that there is a long road ahead of us! But, I don't believe him! He comes home today because he had to work, I guarantee he will find something in this house to be angry with. Finding some other way to not to focus on us! So I have to make sure this house is spotless! But I am sure he will yell because, I cannot keep up with the laundry! Gee, I am not super women! I am also depressed and really am putting this house last! I am just having a hard time dealing with things right now! I am just making sure it is clean enough! I am more worried about giving my kids their meals and making sure their needs are met! That is the only thing I can do at this time! This will be interesting. I haven't seen Randy since really Sunday night!
OK, I am just rattling on. I must do the dishes!
Ali
I ordered the book at Barnes and Noble Surving an affair! I really hope this will help me!

Hi Ali! Thank you for responding - I believe there have been many many here not only following your Thread, but praying for you both as well.
Unless I'm quite mistaken, YOU are doing what it takes for Recovery. Mr. RandyR has received so much SUPER advice on these 2 threads it's a wonder he doesn't bust by now - this is something HE needs to work on! Not after lunch, not after he goes to work, not after dinner, but NOW!
I posted in one of the other threads some of the things I feel he's not doing right - LoveBusters and he needs to change these. The book you ordered is a wonderful book - I have a copy also and it's an excellent read with loads of good information and advice in it.
Still praying for you both!!
Harold

i think a lot of people are just fed up with pouring their hearts out with excellant advice and feel like nothing is being accomplished!
I don't blame em! there is so much a person can do!
I am just waiting to figure out my strenght and go from there!
I will post soon! Thanks for caring! It means a lot to me!
Ali

Ali, I just emailed you and got an undeliverable message. For some reason, I am getting undeliverable messages to any AOL address. Did you get it??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ali88:
<strong>i think a lot of people are just fed up with pouring their hearts out with excellant advice and feel like nothing is being accomplished!
I don't blame em! there is so much a person can do!
Ali</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactly. The Ball is in RANDYR's Court NOW... What will he do with it???????????
Harold

hey nai,
no, i did not get it? bummer! can u call your provider an ask why? I hate aol! i get great kick backs if i stay with them! like gift cards to the gap, etc.! i tried yahoo dsl and three months of trying to install that thing they finally told me that i am on the border so we cannot get a signal.
same goes for cable! which is strange because we get cable tv??? who knows i am not a technical person! my best friends hubby is one and he answers all my questions for me if there is a problem!
notedude you seem pretty handy with computers. do you know why she can't e-me?????
ali

Hi Alli
I am going something I posted in Randys place..
want you to have one here as I am not sure if you go there or what..so you can see what I said to him.

I have been watching and reading and mostly PRAYING that God will convict him and he will get his life on track..take care and know you have friends here you don't know about...you can see if he mentions any of this or seems different..perhaps you can print it and look up the scriptures that are here with it..
Keep the Faith.and Keep on Keeping on!!
EarthAngel.
______it is below these two lines.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
I am going to post something for you and your wife..but first I need to say something to you.

I watched you rant and rave on here sounder like a wounded women instead of a man..

you were just as much to blame as the women was.
you did the same to her. you were in in together.
you had sex with each other. the thing is you were lusting after each other..that was not good. did not bring you anything but heartache.
you both are grownups and knew what you were doing but chose to do it anyway.
Sin has a way of finding you out..and that is what happend..

why not leave the past behind you and cling to your wife. you hurt her, if it wasn't that women it would of been somene else who made herself available.

I am sure both you and your wife..she your wife does not want to believe you did it made the choice to do this women but you did..

Randy you chose to do it with her..but now you lost the job..that is the reality of it..all
you are lucky you did not loose your wife and children.

what is it you REALLY are so angry about..it cannot be this wayward women.
You lost the job because you broke the rules..and you cheated because you chose to break your marriage vows.

in the end of life we all die..some sooner some later..all will stand before the judgement seat of Christ..and you cannot blame her. she made me..because you made the decision and it is called
ADULTRY in the grown up world..

stop blaming others..like in the end God will send some to hell..but for now it is not any of your business what happens to her in the real world..
according to Gods word..when you are single you are suppose to do things and think of things of God..and how to please Him.

when you are married you are to look how to please your wife and she you..to cling to each other..are you doing that..noooo..you are both trying to point fingers at the other women..forget about her..she has sinned and probably will continue to lure unsuspecting men to her place.
she is talked about in the bible as the women whose path to her door leads to hell..in proverbs it tells you to get wisdom..ask God for wisdom so you can grow..and learn right from wrong and ask His forgiveness and truly start all over make an effort to get on with your lives stop the drama and move on together..get rid of your anger..get into a church with a program for troubled marriages..they have them..
ok so here is the thing I have on forgiveness..it will help you to let go of your anger..
________ it will be your choice_
--

Forgiving Yourself and Others

Forgiveness is not an emotion: it is a choice.
The choice doesn't change your feelings any more than your feelings nullify the choice. Making the choice is not the destination. It is only the beginning of the journey toward healing.

Forgiveness does not undo the damage.
It does not sweep the conduct of the consequences under the rug where they will trip you up later. If you want to truly forgive, you must truly deal with your feelings. Acknowledge the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the shame. But because your feelings will change daily, you must choose to anchor yourself in God's Word that never changes.

Forgiveness is a product of God's mercy.
You may not feel you deserve to be forgiven; however, forgiveness is a free gift from God based on the shed blood of Jesus Christ at Calvary. Just as you did nothing to earn the forgiveness that leads to salvation, you can do nothing to earn forgiveness for your sin now. You must choose to accept God's forgiveness and you must choose to forgive yourself. God's Word exhorts you to do so (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Forgiveness is a command.
God never commands us to do something without providing the resources for us to obey Him. It is impossible to obey the command to forgive without relying on God's forgiveness to enable you. Jesus said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). In time He will enable you, through the power of His Holy Spirit, to completely forgive yourself and anyone else who may have played a part in your sin(Philippians 2:13). If you will allow Him, God will work in you to free you from the bondage of guilt, grief and shame.
_______________________________________________

REPENT both of you forget her she is not worth it.
if you want to make your marriage work you need to put each other first after God on your list then your children then you won't have time for messing around with the opposite sex..be happy with the wife of your youth. that is in the bible..listen to God...
Get to work on your family be the leader of your home be the spiritual leader pray and learn what God wants you to do..then do it..you have a wife love her as God loves the church..stop daydreaming about another women because that is lusting after her in your heart it is not right...hope this helps Keep on Keeping on.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ali88:
<strong>hey nai,
no, i did not get it? bummer! can u call your provider an ask why? I hate aol! i get great kick backs if i stay with them! like gift cards to the gap, etc.! i tried yahoo dsl and three months of trying to install that thing they finally told me that i am on the border so we cannot get a signal.
same goes for cable! which is strange because we get cable tv??? who knows i am not a technical person! my best friends hubby is one and he answers all my questions for me if there is a problem!
notedude you seem pretty handy with computers. do you know why she can't e-me?????
ali</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my personal opinion - AOL sux. However, if it's all you can get, then it would work. I have had the same problem with sending my sis emails - she's had AOL since they first came out and she hates it too - switching to some deal from Walmart for $9 a month. I think it might be because the AOL Mail Server might be overloaded with traffic, your email box might be full, or it could be (AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH) lost in the black hole of Cyberspace.
I would suggest she re-send you the email.
Hope this helps.
RE: the cable company not having internet service, it is very possible that they don't offer it yet; as they have to upgrade the lines, get a dedicated phone line and install an internal network to offer internet service. On the DSL - that is similar: they have to do something to the phone lines, as it is called a Dedicated Subscriber Line and I wanted it here in Granbury but they don't offer it yet - right now, Cable is the only deal in town for us, unless I want to pay an ARM + LEG for Wireless AND buy the receiving equipment (no thanks).
Harold

So where did you go Randy and Alli?
hope things are ok..

was wondering did you two ever see the movie the
War of the Roses?
check it out it was a good comedy about a couple
going through a divorce..

well am waiting to hear how you did on the job thingie..and if you two haven't killed each other or whats happening there..take care and be good to each other..
Keep on keeping on..

Hi Sadeyes,
Thanks for that link! I checked someof it out and I would like to go through the work book with Randy! To be honest, some of the ?'s will be hard to discuss! I feel like I am a moving slow! I am not sure if it because of RR's topsieness that is making me unstable! If you look back my feelings change just about every hour!
He was really sweet to me last night! I told him that I really need him when 7:oo pm hits! That is when I would really go crazy when he was in Texas!
I came into the room around 1015 and I told him I really needed to talk, he was so sincere about it! That is what I need! But Why do I still have this need to torture myself with questions? I asked one too many questions and I couldn't handle the last and I blew up! He was good to me and understood. But it comes and goes!
I have been really busy and Randy stays at my parents house normally five days a week. He forget his garmet bag so he had to drive all the way home yesterday. I am glad because I needed to be around him! So he has been not really able to logg on a computer and needs not to post at my parents house! Her cookies never go away!

Guys, I cannot get the images out of my mind! I feel I am sooo far from recovery and this is not what I want! I want to succeed in our M. But when he is hold ing me, I can only think of how he held that Selfish B*tch in his arms!

We are still anxiously awaiting word from HQ's. I am praying every minute that he does get this job!He has too much time on his hand and is not using his ability. That could jeopardize his future!

Thank you for all your prayers. It is well appreciated!
I just want to say to The Lady, that I am very real. I am very offened by that statement! This is not the norm for Randy. Maybe that is why I am sticking it out because this is not him! I keep praying that he will return in his old self but a lot stronger and wise!
ALi

by the way, yes i did see that movie! no we are nothing like that! I just want the whole house <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
just kidding! the atmosphere is just depressing in here!
we decided that we need to get involved in or own hobbies so we can feel like our own persons again!
I cannot wait!
We are going on a date Saturday. I am really looking forward to that! I just hope our conversation is good and not have to do with that "Ugly Beastly Thing" I want the conversation to be how we can work on us! what steps etc.
Ali

Whoops,
Sadeyes, Your post was great. I get so caught up in the moment I forget to reply!
sorry
Ali

Ali

My heart truly goes out to you. I so wish that there was something that could be done to shake Randy up. He is so into the drama of him being the betrayed and wounded party that he refuses to see anything else.
He glories in the attention and reads these posts only to seek new ways to keep himself in the spotlight. He sticks to his mantra and uses it to manipulate the members who are trying to help him. He posts as if he is beginning to move foreward and begin working on your marriage, then as soon as someone sees a small glimmer of hope he goes back to his same old mantra.
Even as old and stupid as I am I can see that he is simply using the forum and your emotions to
feed his hunger for attention. And as long as people give him that attention he is going to continue to play the same old game.
I pray that not only you, but all the poeple he knows will drop all efforts to reach him. Leave him to crawl around in the dark by himself and not run to his aid regardless of how much he screams out for help. It is not help he wants or needs. He needs to relearn to stand up by himself. When you fall off your bicycle you have to get back on it by yourself, others can't ride it for you. Some people cannot force themself to get back aboard until all other options are removed.

I saw Randy many times in my carreer in nursing. A broken bone makes them a permenant invalid unless they are forced to do for themself. Put his food and water across the room and leave it there. It might take a few days but he will get hungry enought to walk to where it is. If you respond for his crying and moaning you set his recovery back completely. Don't even go into the room. It is all in the audience. Who do you perform for if there is none?

OK, So how does Ali work this out? Deny the spoiled child the attention they are seeking when they misbehave. Hang up the phone. Don't discuss McAllen or anything to do with it. Hold on to your questions until you are in recovery and the relationship is strong enough. Delete all phone numbers in Texas. NO CONTACT must include all sources of gosip. If you are gaining any information it is CONTACT. You are as responsible for maintaining No Contact as Randy is.

Bar Randy from your life until he is ready to work on your marriage to the exclusion of Texas, Jobs, OP, or anything else that is a lovebuster. If he can't come around, then you are moving on with your life and not being strung along dancing to his sad tunes.

You must show him that you can have a life without him, not that you have quit loving him. Ask yourself what would you be doing today if he had decided to stay with the other woman, or if heaven forbid he should die.

You would have to continue living! At least you would have closure and hope for the future. Today you hate him for what he is puting you through and wonder how he could love you and do this to you. The hionest truth is that he loves only Randy at the moment. He does care for you and the children and he wishes it was love, but he can't put you first. He is first and the OW is second in his life, and you force him to defend those positions every time you challenge them.

If one plan does not work, do you beat it to death, or do you switch tactics? What has worked with Randy? Not a damn thing gets to him unless it is giving him the attention that is so detrimental to his recovery. Are you willing to bite the bullet and force randy to choose between you and the OW? If you can't you are defeating the purpose of all the advice he gets here.

You are in charge of your future and you must make the choices.

fudd.

BUMP

So, like, I'm gettin' the ole sinkin' feeling that RandyR has bailed on MB... I sure hope his wife Ali is doing OK. Please keep up prayers for this couple!
DJTB

I was just thinking about them too today

ali
was thinking about you and praying for you.
wondering how you are doing?

can you e-mail me and let me know whats up?

earthangel@telcomplus.net

smart marriages

check out the smart marriages site.

also was wondering how the children are?
especially the baby?
please drop me a line..
God bless and Keep on keeping on.

RandyR posted on the other thread - perhaps Ali is reading it as well. In any case, Ali, please know we are praying for you and Randy to continue healing and recovering as ONE - not two souls.
May the Lord keep you safe and heal you together.
Harold

Hi there!
I am still alive but not kicking! I had taken a small break from MB so I could collect my thoughts and put to work all of the advice that has been given over the last few months.
Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. It means a lot to me!
I will get back to posting soon.
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Please, your thoughts are still welcomed!

Hi Ali! Soooooooo glad you're back. A Brian1967 just posted a most excellent bit of advice for RandyR on the 'real awful person/pro' thread. Let's hope he reads it and takes the advice! It's really solid and sure makes sense.
Harold

hi!

randy starts his new job monday. he will be in NC
for a week! after that, he comes home every night!
I am scared because I am going back and forth with the D issue! (by the way, why do cats like to lay on keyboards?)
i guess i am waiting to see what happens when we get back to being a couple again! Oh boy, here comes the ride!
should i let him try to do the work or do you all think that it is still a 50/50 thing! i do want to say, i have been doing 99.9% of the work myself for the last three years and i am burnt out!
help i am struggling here!
ali

Hi Ali - thank you for your kind remarks on my other Post - it touched me.
I have explained what happened to me - basically in the other Thread - so let me be the first to ask: What's with it this RandyR finding jobs in other states??!! What part of NC is he going to this time? I used to live in NC - spent 2 years in Lexington and 2 years in Rocky Mount - both pretty decent places. Of course, they were little towns without not much industry there.
My ancestors (on Dad's side of the Family) hail from Gastonia and Dallas NC (just to the west of Charlotte)
It's a small world after all.
ABC.
Trick or treat.
Harold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Harold! You're back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Did you have a great 4th???

Randy is just training in NC for a week! He will be back home for good after the training!
I am afraid of him being home every night! I am not sure what is going to come out of it! But, I will tell you all this, Randy seemed the most happiest I have seen him in a long time! But that is not to say that it's going to change! He is up and down. You would think that since he knows what kind of person she is, that he would feel pretty humiliated to even think of being with her. When he told me that he tried to break it off with her several times, you would think that he found great relief that he was rid of her! I told Randy that I had dated a guy right before I started dating Randy. Randy asked me out (Gee tomorrow will be our 15 years together!) about a month after we broke up. This guy was fun to hang around with, he just got into a fraternity and was clean before he pledged, he had gotten himself involved with the drugs and I was not into that type of crowd. He had this other girl interested in him and it was obvious he liked her. She was a total bubble head. He called me up to tell me that this girl was coming to his house for the holiday weekend, I said great and hung up the phone on him, he called back and I just picked it up to hang up on him. That was it! I could not have cared less! That is what Randy should have felt with her. My God he had someone who was inlove with him and was willing to stay back so he could jump start his career and get ahead financially. Plus the health of our son! I sacrificed a lot for him! I don't get it!
I still am not sure what I want to do about us! I am not sure Randy is really wanting to change his views. I am trying but like I said before, I can't do it alone and it doesn't seem like he wants to help! We will see! I am still on the D issue though.
OK, Must get going. Lots to do today!
Ali

Hi Ali! Thank you for the warm welcome back. I just finished reading Randy's other post on his other thread - it's sounding like you got his attention and he's ready to go to work on YOU & HIM! I sure hope so.
We're keeping up prayers for y'all!
PS - I loved what ya did with that other dude you were dating just before Randy - hung up on him, ROTFL heheheeee. Served him right for what he did to you, and perhaps he wonders sometimes what would his life be like if he had chosen you over drugs and that 'bubble-head' he picked out...
We'll probably never know...
God bless.
Harold

He was an idiot! I think he was more a rebound boy friend. I was getting over another guy when I met him. But he was a real jerk at the end! I didn't really care too much about him! Actually, I really didn't care for him at all. I had self esteem back then!

But holy cow! You made me curious to what RR had written, so I took a peak! I cannot believe he said that! I look the same as I always do! I had a baby right before he left! Unfortunately, I am not one of those women who loses all the weight when the baby is born! I think that is hummm, maybe 1% of the population! Gee's!

I do not trust RR very much. He can say all he wants but I don't buy it. I have to see and feel his truth! But so far nothing really!

That thing that he screwed in Texas was incredibly ugly! RR introduced her to his good friend and RR made her out to be some hot chick. They (friend and wife) were expecting a supermodel. They saw her and thought; What the h*ll? She is ugly"! Tee heee! He told me that too! A couple of people that met me down there and said Randy are you crazy? She doesn't hold a candle to your wife! I know she is ugly. What made her so attractive to the other guys is that they all knew she would put out!

I am still so angry and hurt by his actions and how he is handling himself now that I am seeing him in a different light. Like I said before the D word is still in my thoughts.
I look at RR and just feel hurt and anger towards him! The little reminders are so difficult to deal with! Somehow I think he gets some type of self fulfillment watching me squirm! That gets me angry! He needs to build his self esteem up. But not by torturing me! I think he is using me as a crutch! Totally unfair!
Hey, our weather was like that in south Texas. A 100 degrees and 110% humidity! Yuck! If we would have moved down there, our monthly AC bill would have been in the $500 range!
Anyway, I am sort of venting too! I just can't believe he wrote that about me! Should I take that as a compliment????
OK, I am going out on the deck to watch fireflies and the storm that is coming in!
I love thunderstorms! We had some realyl wicked ones last night too! I love this time of year! Actually, I love all seasons!
Later!
Ali
Oh yeah, even if he did chose me over drugs? I would have been with him. He was a weenie! No love feelings there! On my end that is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Ali! It's late so this will be short. I certainly understand where you are coming from. Of course, none of us have met Randy in person - but from what you post and what he posts, I doubt there is one single person here who has followed your threads that we ALL wish and pray for your Healing and complete Recovery from this mess Randy put you both into. I know several of us have asked and strongly advised you two to get into Marriage Counseling. Has Randy done so? I don't doubt that you are willing and will, if you haven't done so already.
One other thing - I have always liked thunderstorms since I was a kid living in Virginia Beach. When I moved to Texas in August '98 I was just thrilled to watch them roll in...
I saw 2 twisters since I got here - one in October '98 and the other one was in March 2000 - pretty wild.
This Spring has been strange: very cool and extremely dry. We've had something like 8 inches of rain so far this year - so we're about 10 inches below average now. I've watched one storm after another roll off to the side of us. Week before last, we got ,5 inch of rain - and all around us they were getting from 3 inches up to 10 inches in a few days...
Rain here in Texas is strange: you can drownded in one place and go half a mile down the road and it won't rain a drop... Such is the Prairie!
Take care, and C U laterZ!
Harold

{{BUMP!}}

So it is the middle of the week and Randy has been in NC for since Monday! He'll be be back on Friday maybe. He said he wants one more day there!

I have been going around wondering about his fidelity while there! The anxiety is too much to handle. I was walking around all day yesterday with the thoughts of what he did to me. Not that I could help it! I wasn't doing it on purpose to torture myself. But the mind if not healed, reminds you of things that you wish would go away forever! The emptiness of the house and how this house felt when he was gone was a big reminder.
When I had spoken to him last night, he seemed pretty up beat but tired! Kinda like he did when he was cheating on me. He asked me how I was doing and of course I told him which I said I was terrible. I thought of lying to tell him I was fine! I am wondering if I should have done that!Someone posted that Randy's hurt is measured by the actions that he is showing for revenge on that ugly fake blonde hair sl*t! I still don't even compare to her! He sort of admitted to me last night. He still loves her! Why? I can't figure it out! There is no room for me in his heart. Sexually? What a joke!!!! He told me how he stayed turned on by her is because of the attention he received from her. I do the exact same thing damn it! He is not walking around sexually turned on! The crazy things I have to do! I give up! I am not sure if i will be posting anymore! I am sure this is a done deal! I am so heart broken! He gave up and there is nothing I can do!
Ali

Hi Ali! I'm sorry to hear that. He still loves her?? What?!! Has he learned absolutely NOTHING on these boards? He is in love with a DEAD fantasy dream that died when he got dumped and fired from his job. Apparently he's not in counseling either.
I wish I had some advice for you, Ali. Plan B maybe?
How about it, y'all? A little help?
Just for my $.02 worth, if my wife had an affair on me, drags me thru HELL for several months, says all this stuff about healing, etc. then tells me after that -- she's still in love, I guess I would have to say: "Plan B" and you need to move out till you can get your head on straight - which is it, her or me? And no cakewalking either!
JMHO.
Please post some help and some good solid advice for Ali, OK?
Harold

Hi Harold,

I might have mislead the message board! He didn't tell me word for word that he loves her. But it was very clear in his voice.
There is a lot of good advice given on this message board that I am trying. I am not sure why Randy continues to tell everyone on here that "we" are not taking it! I wish he would speak for himself!
Harold, was it your first wife that you commited adultry with? Is that why you two ended in a divorce? Was it because the pain was so deep with her?
My pain is so deep. Who said it was like a disease or an infection? That is what this pain I am feeling is like, a huge infection!
It invaded myself esteem and it is gone! Having no sense of worth sucks! I used to feel pretty good about myself. Now?
Maybe I am a slow healer! Or is it because Randy is dwelling on this affair that we can't move forward? Or is it because maybe Randy really never loved me?
Ali

Ali,

I have been posting on RandyRails post! I know how upset and hurt and all the pain that you are going through. I wish I can apologize for Randy But I know he has got to prove to you that he loves you. I have been following both of your posts since day one. Yes, what you are going through is pure hell. You feel that your world has crashed and the loneliness is unbearable. Your love of your life is having sex with another person while they promised to love and to cherish you forever. Instead they are cherishing another while leaving you to believe that their love was all yours. Heart breaks. They are terrible and not fair.

Do you keep a journal? That helped my wife. I told Randy he needs to poop or get off the pot! That is what I am reading right? I thought there was some light shed on the two of you.

You seem like a true, strong, giving and a sincere women. If I say anymore, it may sound like I am hitting on you! I just hope Randy sees that in you. You deserve someone to take care of you.

Brian

ali,

I saw that you are thinking about going to a seminar....I would highly recommend it. It's been two years to reach recovery for me...but it began with the seminar. If you still feel the need to move to Plan B....then you will have the right tools and coaches to make the best of it. Until then, please control any LBs and if you can meet some ENs that would help keep the Love Bank from emptying completely. I am so sorry that Randy is not giving you the care and protection you need. Affairs are addictions and they aren't logical. He is still acting fog-effected by the "high". Thay will fade. hugs to you.

Hi Ali! Yes, I had an affair on my first wife - when I was in Germany with the US Army - she was waiting 3 months to get over to join me after we left Arizona. We had been having problems in our marriage anyway, but that was NO excuse for me to cheat on her! I was very wrong to look for a little 'fun and affection' outside of our marriage - I NEVER wanted love or anything physical: just a little companionship with no sex and nothing else other than just a good female friend.
Sure didn't turn out that way! Affairs never turn out good - only EVIL - notice that is live spelled backwards!
So, we went thru the police interrogation - she blasted me for a whole month wanting to know every single detail over and over. Finally it ended.
The following year she had an affair on me. She would never tell me the dude's name or anything, only that the affair was over. I found out the rest by a little 'behind the scenes' and putting 2 + 2 together to fill in the rest of the story.
She never let me forget that I had an affair on her.
When we finally divorced, she tried to tell me she never had an affair on me but it was a made up story. I guess you can tell by now she was a Verbal Abuser and played mind games as well as power plays on me...
I seriously do NOT think you are anything like her!
I do know you are hurt beyond belief. Affairs suck and everything about them sucks.
Until RandyR gets off his butt and cleans out his mind - you and him are STUCK right where you are. He is NOT healing and he is NOT supporting you. He needs to do both and to be there for YOU, not some dream fantasy he had once.
You're still in my prayers, both of you.
Peace to you both, Harold

Please...the guy is asking for justification of a filthy affair. He isn't even sorry...he is STILL calling the OW a "real pro, an awful person"....geez, what does that make him?

He is a pervert with no character.

Ali,

I pray for you...you poor thing....you didn't deserve this, problems or not....this issue is HIS...he is the one that solves problems by pulling his pants down. Ugh...don't believe a word of "justification" he gets...

I'm bumping this one to the top. RandyR is back home, Y'all. He posted on his other thread - let's hope he takes some of this excellent advice to heart now and gets busy working on his Marriage.
I'm very glad that he has found a new job!!
Harold

Hi Dazed!

Thanks for your prayers!

I wouldn't call him a prevert! A selfish disconnected person yes! He is forgetting that he had a wife and family that loved him unconditionally. And yet, he only thought of his own needs.

Dazed I read up on some of your post! You must be in a lot of pain. I can totally relate to you and what you are going through.

You know the ironic thing of Randy's A., is that we always had lost respect for people who had affairs. We never saw anything good! I just remember a really pretty women who's husband worked with Randy. When Randy and this guy would go out of town on business Randy would tell me that her husband would go and get BJ's from women in bars. He would tell me that I would never have to worry! Actually, now I am second guessing! Maybe he did too!
The pain is unbearable. We all just got back from taking a drive and a long walk along the river, and I got a horrible mood swing. I just started thinking about that ugly thing he screwed. I just wanted to smack him!
OK here is a funny story! A professor told me this story when he went to Africa. Don't squirm now. But when a women went into labor, the tribe put a sting around the males private part and pulled it hard when she had a contraction. I would love to do that to Randy everytime I have a memory of those two together! The pain that he caused is so agonizing and so damn bothersum that I wish he would feel what I am feeling for five minutes. Not like that it is going to do much. The past is the past. But the memory keeps it very real in the future!
Anyway, talked enough.

Thanks,
Ali

Thanks Harold,

Wasn't that fun?

Thanks for bumping me to the top again!
I will have to get back with you, there is tons of screaming upstairs and not sure what the problem is. But thank! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ali!
Hey my friend might be moving to Dallas. H. will be working for IBM as a consultant! Cool huh? He will be coming home on the weekends. Sound familar? Don't worry we will not be seeing my friend on this site!

Hi Ali! Yes, let's hope your friend in Dallas stays clean - there's a lot of temptation over there. Especially the 'West End' - I've visited there with my former girlfriend when I first came down here - it's a wild place. Not for me, though.
After we split, I never went back there. Granbury is a lot smaller and quieter than the MetroPlex.
My wife doesn't like Dallas that much either.
The string story was interesting. How about instead of putting a bitty string on the guy's private parts they just took a club and bashed him over the head once? Labor pains are no joke, at least from what I've been told. And the fun just gets started once you get the newborn darling little one home!
Then they turn into cocky teenagers who know everything and think you're the Village Idiot.
O the joys of parenthood!
(I'm not whining, just trying to put a little been there done that t-shirt thing into this!)
Hope your kids are OK and nothing was wrong.
Harold

AHHHHHHHHHHHH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I am having one of those nasty little triggers again! I need a mallot!
Help! Some one call the cops before I bash his head in! Serious love buster there?
Ya, well what about the huge LB to me when he decided to screw that ugly nasty little thing.

OK! What else can you all do for me? Except support and read my frustration? I am at the point where I feel I am sick of hearing the same thing about me! So should I stop posting? The triggers and his dwelling over her is not stopping. And I feel like I am spining my wheels here. I am stuck in the mud and Randy is the mud pile!
After reading Cerri's posting about Divorce, there is so much to consider. But I am feeling hatred for him!
Harold, Please find me that website! Before I kill Randy.
Here is the trigger that finished my mood!my neighbor's mother lives in the next subdivison over and she was riding her bike past our house and asked me if I was plan on moving to ugly McAllen. She goes down there with her husband every winter. I told her no without getting into details. Then we talked about the area and she asked if I got over to Progresso! I felt my heart pulputate! No but we were supposed to go so I can find my glassware. He and that ugly scanky whore B*tch went there. The memory of him telling me that she was all over him and making out in the streets and in the stores. How invading!
I need an outlet and Randy is just to close right now!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> mad: RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
We need a Hulk smiley!
"Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I am angry" OK just venting!
Revenge??? Oh yeah, I want revenge, but on Randy!
Do you think it will come full circle what he did to me??? I mean on this earth?
later you Y'all
Ali Rrrrrrr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

LOL ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> vent here and hang in there Ali88. You know you could drive on the highway and scream as loud as you can .... you could take a pillow and start hitting them ... Yes, I did it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . It is better than Marllot or Asti Supermante <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . We need an outlet ... just a healty one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . -rh-

Hi Redhat! I'v missed ya! How have you been?

By the way, I had purchased some Two Buck Chuck at Trader Joes. Heard it was supposed to be one of the best wines around! And for only $2.99? How can you go wrong! But you know it is still unopened! Go figure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope to see you around!
Ali - A little bit calmer but not much! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hi Ali! Sorry you're having a trigger day - they really SUCK. My memory isn't what it used to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> (and neither is the Old Grey Mare) but anyway, please refresh me (hit the F5 key) on what website it is. I use 3 different search engines and can pretty much find quick what I'm looking for...
I use Google, Mamma and Yahoo searches...
Harold

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ali88:
<strong>Hi Redhat! I'v missed ya! How have you been?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am doing great ... I am at a trendy coffe shop that offer a free wireless. I am working since all I need is Internet Connection & I get pay by the hours. I do people watching ...it is "hot" 75F here and many dresses down to drive my libido up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I lurks at MB to distract my eyes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . LOL !.

-rh-

By the way, if any of you think Randy and I are like to ships passing in the night? You are right!

I am having a counselor come to our house finally tomorrow! Yeah! I had mentioned this to Randy a while back ago! His mind was else where!

It just shows you all how well the man listens to me. But of course I could be telling him at the wrong time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It took a while because of paper work, she was on vacation, yadda, yadda, yadda! So it finally starts!

Please, one more thing! I am not Randy's flunky! So disregard anything Randy says that includes me into his negetivity about revenge! I explained to him the revenge I would like could never happen unless I have magic powers! My revenge would be like naive's (by the way, where are you?)
to have my husband fall hopelessly in love with me again and have that slut totally off of his mind forever! Will that happen? Ummm, doubt it!
At this point I feel that I am very much a convenience for him! I am totally disconnected from him!
nuff said must clean again! I hate mopping! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Ali

Hey Ali, you might receive some help in 'The Kingdom Of Caerlon' - I think we have a fairy and a magician around somewhere..
You're definitely on the right track with that Counselor!
My continuing prayers and wishes for your TOTAL Recovery!!!
Harold

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Ali88:
<strong>" ... to have my husband fall hopelessly in love with me again and have that slut totally off of his mind forever! Will that happen? Ummm, doubt it! ... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ali ... Ali ... that A is his monkey on his back to get rid off, you own nothing of it. Let him resolve it, it is beyond your control. Right now Randy is not capable to be "in-love" w/ you since he still has that monkey. He has to let you and receptive to your 4 gifts of love. Until then recovery is slow as a snail.

Goodluck w/ MC
-rh-