and for gosh sake, tell him to stop posting as you!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well, I have some interesting news for all of you!
Our youngest son was evaluated today because of his eating patterns and his sleeping patterns too! While the two people were doing the evaluation, RR walked in from work! They asked him to join and give his opinion and his observation of what he sees with our youngest son. To make very long story short, they noticed R was in real emotional trouble & R is going to see a Dr. and I am going to have my counsling as well! We are also going to have our sessions together and get help for our kids who is taking a lot of stress! I feel a huge load has been released from me. R just broke down and cried and the occupational therapist who has a lot of pull thought that we need the help ASAP!
Randy is starting his medication and will start intensive therapy! She said what you all have been saying on MB but she thinks he is so far in the "dumps' that good advice that is givin will roll off because he can't even think straight!!!!
I like her because she is a Dr. Phil type of person, TELL IT LIKE IT IS! No tip toeing to save a feeling!
R also talked to one of his good friends at work today! It so happens that the HO THING went after him not only because of his looks, but because of me??? Never met me but saw my picture and thought of Randy as a challege or a game to get him away from his "pretty wife"! How sick is that? She bragged about me calling and was laughing! Gosh poopoo darn it, what the heck was I thinking when I called that HO THING??? Uggg, But like I said before in my last posting, I said something and afterwards there was complete silence! I tell you the comment! She said "Apparently you couldn't satisfy your man"! My reply, "At least I could make him c*m which apparently you couldn't do!" I know, pretty trashy on my end! But hey, It felt good!
I know God will take care of her in the end but I know there are angels on this earth who will give the demons a little taste of what yet is to come!
I wish I could be a fly on the wall when it happens!
I am just praying that our lives will start on the right road! But as you know R has got to help! But does he want to be with me because he feels obligated or because he really loves me?
I am still confused but happy that a real professional will be helping all of us! I need my kids in a healthy environment!
Again, you all our so wonderful and I don't think I have ever felt this much care from people I never met! It is nice to know that there are a lot of caring people who do care about someone else's pain and who is willing to help unconditionally! You are all angels and please continue to post! R's session is this week not sure when I wasn't there when the appointment was being made! Yeaaaaaa! I will check in later tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Ali

Hey Ali that's fantastic! I believe y'all have TURNED A MAJOR CORNER! You are definitely on the right track. Keep it up and don't 'lose the faith'
This is the best news on this thread in awhile.
I'm so happy for you both!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
May you both find the Love and Happiness you both deserve.
Harold

I just read Cherri's posting about the realization of a divorce! I am more confused than ever! Reading our postings, do you think R wants to stay married to me? His job choice seems to more important than our marriage! If he is successful at his job then he will be successful in his marriage! That is how he views it. I mentioned before, I don't want to be with someone if they don't want to be with me! I am so confused!
I am completely frustrated with the signals that he is given me! Thank God we start C. soon! But he has to make the C. work! The C. can suggest until he is blue in the face but R will have to cooperate as well!
My anger is hurt! He took something that was so sacred to me and threw it away! If feel he is putting me on a shelf deciding what he wants to do with "us"! He tells me he loves me but it is so robotic!
Ali

Hi Ali! I'm sorry to hear he took something special to you and chucked it - that was uncalled for! Many of us have been posting lots of stuff on the other thread "She Was A Real Pro/Awful Person" thread. Have you been over that way lately? I'm fixing to slide over there now...
O and in response to your question, I'm of the opinion that RandyR is just sitting there soaking up all this great advice here and doing absolutely nothing with it. So do others here - we've been trying to get him to get up and get moving.
Harold

I wish I was numb again. At lesst I was fuctioning. I hate this ride! Not knowing what tomorrow will be like! I keep having day dreams about my husband and if we work together, we can be happy again! I keep visualizing fantasies with him. But, when he talks the way he does to me which is a hopeless manner, I lose all hope. I feel that he is stringing me along until he decides what he wants to do! I can't take this.
Ali

RR sounds like a person in SEVERE need for Admiration. That's what he was getting from his job, and the OW was just something that happened from the euphoria of that (just a thought). It's not the job and Texas you miss so much as it's the prestige, importance, and admiration you felt. How can you get that here? Alli can you help? I wrote my FWH a note yesterday and wrote down all the things I love about him...OK, sure, there may be only 3 things you can think of today, but every day add more and more.

I agree about the not calling OW...you're playing her game, and playing right into her. If you guys have initiated N/C that means both of you.
Start another thread of OP bashing and vent on here...

Sounds like there's quite a bit of arguing going on. After years of arguing with my H, yelling, major sarcasm, storming, I instinctively knew after d-day I had to do it differently. I was still angry but I was going to torture him another way. I was determined to show him how much I was hurt. For weeks I would walk up to him whenever I had a thought or question and hug him and ask him in his ear, very soft, very sorrowful. Behind my seething anger was hurt and betrayal and rejection, I was bound and determined to show him my honest feelings and not cover it up with anger anymore.

Alli, what would happen if you treated the situation differently?

Hey RR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">From all of you, I guess I am not allowed to cry, to greive and not allowed to mourn in front of my wife. Hold it all in.

If that's what it takes....so be it!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's said with only a bit of sarcasm...but it doesn't sound as though you believe it, neither is is something that I think someone would recommend.

It's not anger, fear, frustration, or sadness that should be held in, it's how you express it. Anger shouldn't be expressed by shooting or beating people, but does that mean to hold it in?

How can you express yourself without hurting the people around you (and that means with words too). And it looks like you guys are in the habit of leaving each other when you get angry...a huge trigger for a BS ("Oh no, he's going to leave for good this time"). How about next argument if you feel you have to leave, just sit in your car, or sit outside. Get out of the situation but let her know you are still around...

How to handle your sadness? It's not so much your sadness, but the things you say that trigger Alli into thinking you may be leaving ("I miss Texas"). Behind her anger is FEAR.

Hi Ali,

Just some comments on things that you have written recently:

I just read Cherri's posting about the realization of a divorce! I am more confused than ever! Reading our postings, do you think R wants to stay married to me? …I am completely frustrated with the signals that he is given me!

Post D-day for us, my wife was very withdrawn. Face it, the thing that made her happy, gave her wonderful feelings, was over. She was sad. Depressed.

I, on the other hand, wanted her to know how much what she had done hurt me. I wanted her to commit to change things. I wanted for both of us to be working on the marriage, not just me. But she couldn’t see any of those things. In her mind, the OM was her soul mate, and life had not been fair in making her separate from that person.

In some respects, Randy is ahead of this. He realizes that OW wasn’t his dream come true. But also realizes that he is hurting too. He may be truly undecided – he’s probably as confused himself as the signals you are interpreting. But what can you do about it? Just show him that you want to be married to him. Even if you try to force a decision, he’s not ready.

Thank God we start C. soon! But he has to make the C. work! The C. can suggest until he is blue in the face but R will have to cooperate as well!

Yep, that was easy for me to understand, but hard to have the patience to accept. I hate to tell you this Alli, but you are so very early in this whole process. Withdrawal, conflict, recovery – you have a long journey ahead of you that cannot be rushed. You’re alternative is obviously divorce, but then as Cerri’s posted article pointed out, you’re just trading off one problem for another.

My anger is hurt! He took something that was so sacred to me and threw it away! If feel he is putting me on a shelf deciding what he wants to do with "us"! He tells me he loves me but it is so robotic!

I’ve found that my feelings of resentment are my own to deal with. Even at this stage of our life, 1-1/2 years after D-day, and my wife actively being MB coached and us truly on our way to Recovery, I still struggle with resentment. Recreational activities we have to miss out on to avoid OM, visions of him, wondering things about him and my wife. Even though I fully trust that there has been no contact during the past 1-1/2 years, and my wife is trying very hard for Recovery.

Probably just a very long-winded way of saying that I don’t know that Randy will ever fully comprehend the hurt he caused you. I got an apology once, but even that seem more like an explanation and justification for what they did.

I hate this ride! Not knowing what tomorrow will be like! I keep having day dreams about my husband and if we work together, we can be happy again! I keep visualizing fantasies with him. But, when he talks the way he does to me which is a hopeless manner, I lose all hope. I feel that he is stringing me along until he decides what he wants to do! I can't take this.

Ali, you can be happy together again, but probably not tomorrow or the next day. I had the same feelings of being strung along, thinking that my wife had some grand plan to upgrade when the time was right. Now I know, after the withdrawal and everything else cleared, and she talks openly and honestly to me about it, that she was just unsure of everything then. Hurting because of ending the affair, not wanting to be married, not wanting to be divorced, just wanting to be left alone.

StillHereMakingIt RR sounds like a person in SEVERE need for Admiration. That's what he was getting from his job, and the OW was just something that happened from the euphoria of that (just a thought). It's not the job and Texas you miss so much as it's the prestige, importance, and admiration you felt.

This is probably very true. EN for Admiration is very typical in men. Randy would probably say that OW made him feel very important, and admired him. Ali, it’s a need you need to meet. Yep, right now there’s probably not a lot you admire him for. But certainly it needs to be on your list going forward.

I agree about the not calling OW...you're playing her game, and playing right into her. If you guys have initiated N/C that means both of you.

Absolutely, the Rule stands for both of you. You talking to the OW is probably doing nothing but bringing the whole affair to the forefront again. It’s time to move forward. The sooner you take that contact out of your life, the sooner you can begin alleviating her memory from your life, your mind, your visions and thoughts. N/C for both of you.

P

Hummmm, No there is not a lot of arguing. But I am not going to tell you that there is none! I do tell him that I am hurt!
Funny, I worte down last night all the wonderful things I love about him and even still today! I am waiting for the right moment to give that to him so he can see the sincerity that I have for him!
Randy and I came to the conclusion along with his friends in the lone star, Randy fell with the feeling of feeling important! You are absolutly right! He got the admiration all the time! I could never amount to what he was receiving because when he came to work for that company, no one has ever put that much effort into a job there before. He changed that company around!What ever I said to him, would just roll off him. That "thing" saw R as a challenge. Upper management, nice car, Pretty wife (not my words) and yes, what she said did make him go to his head and I have no doubts that it made him feel great! But they were not genuine! It was all a line to make him say something so "it" can suck all his emotional words and feelings and make her feel whole. That "Ho thing" is what I call an emotional vampire! I am genuine and he doesn't take it!
I know it is going to be a long recovery. Believe me, I want to get this off and running so the faster we start the faster we can heal!
I want to be a shoulder that he can lean on! But at the same time I need him too! I feel that because of the A, I feel like I am more the villian in the this!
I know he would never had done this to me if I were there! The "thing" used words like, I am lonely, your lonely, we can be here for each other! Hummmmmm! If that was some guy giving me that statement, I'd run for the door! Blah, blah, blah!
We were in a bind that I could not be there for him. I stated in R's thread! That what makes me feel guilty, but I was supporting him!
Whoops got to go,baby screaming!
Ali

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> HELP <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

perhaps the two of you should agree to stay off each others threads. you've already complained about your not being safe because she reads them, so why don't you at least try to make a pact to stay away from each others threads? maybe you could move to general, ali on just found out to keep your seperate posts more private?

<small>[ May 25, 2003, 12:03 AM: Message edited by: kristawny ]</small>

Ali,

It has been a couple of days and I noticed that Randy is posting for help.

How are you doing?

L.

Randy,

U received some good responses on your thread this afternoon (3/24/03). You have not responded to them yet, but you came here this evening asking for help????

I am confused.... please clarify.

Thanks,
L.

While this post is more for myself than it is for a response from the group, I needed to write down some thoughts on the OW and how my thoughts of her have changed so dramatically. These thoughts did not change overnight but after 2 months of painfully talking to my wife about the affair and how the OW responded to Alli's calls (the Ow got a "high") I see her now for what she is.

I also know I am equally guilty. For I betrayed my spouse.
************************************************
1) The affair was an inmature act and the way it was handled both at work and outside of work was inmature. I see her as selfish and highly inmature.
2) I see her now as a cruel, selfish woman who has no regard for other peoples feelings. Not once after I was fired did she try to call to apoligize or to say "sorry". There will never be any of that.
3) Some people in life really don't care about their reputation and chose to totally ignore their pasts. Although we must look forward and not back, some people hurt and inflict pain on others and really show no remorse.
4) She was never going to divorce her husband...ever. Although seperated and living apart, they are back together but that is sick bacause her husband took her back knowing about me and proabably about the other man. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. BECAUSE SHE IS PREMISCUSES!!!!!!!
5) Despite the fact that her reputation in the office is a "slut" this type of woman does not care and will continue with life as a shallow, uncaring person.
6) FOR THE OW, THE AFFAIR REALLY ENDED TWO WEEKS BEFORE I WAS FIRED ON THAT FATEFUL MONDAY AFTERNOON. PIECING THINGS TOGETHER, SHE WAS A COWARD FOR LYING TO ME ABOUT THE OTHER MAN.
7) MORE PEOPLE "LOST" WHEN THE AFFAIR ENDED. I WAS FIRED, THE "LOSER" SUPERVISOR THAT SHE WANTED TO START ANOTHER AFFAIR WITH WAS FIRED, THE COMPANY LOST OUT BECAUSE I WAS WELL LIKED AND THERE WAS EXPLAINING TO DO.
8) MY WIFE AND I WILL NEVER SEE IF THE OW WILL GET WHAT IS COMING TO HER AND ALTHOUGH WE SHOULD NOT CARE, WE BOTH HAVE THOUGHTS OF SEEING HER FIRED OR RESIGNING BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE HAS DONE.

**************************************************
For my part, I should never have asked her out on a date, knowing fully aware that "it" was going to lead to an affair. I knew what I was doing.

I acted so inmature both during the affair and after. It was why she threatened me in the end and it was why I got fired. Had I remained calm and left things alone, the Supervisor that she was wanting to start the affair with was going to get fired anyway and I could have had her fired. I saved the threat message on my cell phone but only played the message to the HR Manager and not the VP of HR. It was the VP that fired me.

I am sorry for Alli!!!! She was up at all hours knowing that the affair was taking place but denying it all along. Alli, I am sorry!!! When you told me last night that on weekends you would be pacing the floor thinking about me in Texas with her and trying to call me......I could only imagine what you were going through.

Alli, you knew about her months before it ended, you had the pictures but you kept telling yourself that I would not do it. I would not cross the line. I am so sorry!!!

Alli, I see the OW for what she is. Worse than a monster and someone that will continue hurting, abusing and setting a horrible example for her children. For I see now that her oldest(18) followed her footsteps with multiple affairs as well and her other children also have emotional problems.

Alli, you are the perfect role model for our children because you are there for them at because you want the family to succeed.

Randy, you are really doing great coming to realizations. Honestly you are. You are starting to shift your focus onto you. More and more you need to see your role only in this. People can only do to you what you allow. You allowed this by starting an affair with her. You did it, it is done. Focus on now, focus on your wife and how much she means to you. Open your eyes and heart and see how beautiful she is, you see what a wonderful mother she is, see what a wonderful person she is.

I have watched my husband's eyes open. It has taken a few months, but it is amazing to see the way he views the ow and I now. It is amazing the realizations he has come to. You will get there, but you have to let go of your thoughts of her and Texas. It is done. You got *yourself* fired, she didn't, you did. Yes, she sucked you in, but what did you expect? She was married, you are married, did you think she had honor? You saw how she parented her kids, what made you think she had any real feelings for you? Men and women who have affairs are liars, they are dishonest, they have no honorable goals. They are only thinking of themselves, they aren't thinking of the person they are with, the spouse, no one but them.

When you come to an honest realization of this, without thought of what she did to you, you will be able to then start righting your wrongs. It took my H a while also.

You and Ali are equally to blame for the state of your marriage. You are 100% to blame for your affair, no one else.

did you mean this one ali?

My God he just came in crying saying that he is still hurting because "How can anyone dump someone like that"? UUUUHHH, HELLO! What the bleep'in did he do to me???? This is when I want to bash is brain in!
Now he called me a name because I told him not to cry to me about how he got "dumped"! Like I want to support that crap!
I don't know about what he write and what he acts is totally different!
He sees that thing for what it is!
He does need to get beat up and no more tiptoeing to save his "fragile feeling"! ENOUGH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Ali

yep, right now he's so thick in the fog, mere common sense can't penetrate. he doesn't want it to, because then he'd have to face what he's done to you.

i can understand why you want to bash his brains in! the stuff pouring out of his mouth borders on amazing, all about how it's all evil ow fault, about how she got him fired. he expects you to be understanding about his pain, while not getting the fact that while his is self-inflicted, yours is the direct result of his actions.

it may not be healthy for you to stay in this marriage right now, it seems like all he's doing is giving you more reasons to hate him. have you considered a cooling off period? it might be easier for you if you didn't have to see his moping, because i know that's got to pissing you off royally! and it might force him to realize what he's about to push away.

i admire you for staying strong, for not letting what he's done make you into a victim! which is good because i think a family can only take one victim, and your husband has a death grip on that title! if you want to save your marriage, don't let him kill it! what he's doing could be like water to your rock, steadily wearing it away until there's nothing left. which may be a good reason to leave now, while there's still hope, before you grow to hate him.

and i truly admire you for keeping both feet on the ground and not in his rear! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Trust me Kris, I am not as strong as I seem! Or at least lately! I hate the feelings that are with this affair Damage! As you all know, I somehow have to rebuild my self confidence! I have none at this time! I find myself crying at the simplest things! I look at him and I want him to hold me and tell me that he really still loves me.
And want him to beg for forgiveness! But he keeps brining that thing/job/texas up! And visions in my mind keep going around with lots of questions to ask! And if he doesn't talk about it, his body sure is! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Randy is gone for most of the week! Oddly that is when my body goes in to panic mode! It is just a reminder of what it was like when he was screwing that thing! The house was so silent so lonely! And I knew what he was doing and I couldn't do a damn thing! I knew that "thing" was laughing in her mind saying: "I'm screwing your husband"!
"He likes me over you"! "I got him away from you"
And all the sweet wonderful words he would say to the thing? I can only imagine! Now I am hearing from him nothing but bitterness and sorrow! A lot LB's and no love deposits! I am so insecure right now that I can't function!
I would call his phone and he would turn it off!
The night goes by so slow with tons of anxiety then and now!
If he can move forward then I will too! Tew says that he is stuck on the thing. I think she might be right! He is not over the thing! He says that he sees it for what the thing really is, then why does he still dwell on that thing?

He is still betraying me emotionally! Am I wrong?
Ali <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />