OK,
I love all of your advice that has been given to Randy to wake up and to stop feeling sorry for himself! Only if he could just hear the voices that are behind the well written advice.
What Randy is looking for is someone that will tell him exactly what he wants to hear. Once he hears (reads) that advice, bamm! He will run with it! Someone has managed to do that! May I ask what is the point of greiving on a site that is for building your marriage and not destroying it? Go find some other website that is for people who want to share their grief about their affairs! This is for rebuild a relationship or to help. Am I wrong???
Please reframe from negitive advice! What good will come out of it? Randy and I have been at a stand still. I am trying to desperately help salvage our marriage. But my hurt comes up to often. It is still fresh, very fresh in my mind!! Randy's problem has been letting go. No matter what the situation has been, he can't let go for what ever the reason it may be.
Please Keep the positive advice along with darn hard reality check coming Randy's way. It is nice to know that there are people out there that really cares enough!
Thanks,
Ali

hmmm...well I haven't even read anymore of his posts since he asked for no more negative comments. As long as he is seeking for a "yes man", I see no need to reply. I am one of the worst ones to reply to either a poster dealing with an on-going affair or one who is so much into the "pity me" whatever side of the triangle they happen to inhabit.

Yes, each of us have our pain in the situation, doesn't matter if you are the BS, the WS, or the OP. And I am more then willing to validate your feelings, but I am NOT willing to "pat you on the head" and tell you what a poor victim you are.

I can't imagine dealing with Randy...while I do understand that he's going to go through a period of grieving for what he thought he had, his attempts to find someone to agree with his stand of "poor little me" is one that really "burns my butt". The fact that he is struggling is normal, the fact that he is trying his best to get pity from everyone is bad enough, but the fact that he is trying to burden you with all his "pity me" is galling. jmho

Until he's willing to drop the "pity me" stance and come here for real advice which will often NOT be what he wants to hear...I've got nothing to say to him. Someone can talk till they are blue in the face, but until you're ready to listen...someone is wasting their breath and their valuable time which is better served in answering someone who wants to hear the truth, even if it's not what they wish to hear.

I will however talk to you anytime you'd like! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree Wifey!

He is so caught up with himself that I think he feels comfortable feeling sorry for himself! He is very dramatic! And is family who feeds into his drama is worse than he is! Apples don't fall far from the trees. I thought he was different. It took 15 years of me knowing him to see this side of him! This is a side of Randy I didn't think existed! I am still confused and hurt! Now angry feelings are really starting to take over! It is so confusing. I wish I could change him back to the happy go lucky person that he once was! But we all know I can't make that happen! But I can't stand to see him the way he is! YES, it hurts! Yes to the sleeze that he had screwed. And yes, it hurts not knowing if he loves me or not! Yes, it hurts that he is not the same. But maybe he will find peace with himself one day. Only time will tell!
I don't want to be in a relationship/marriage if he doesn't love me? But clues are coming my way everyday. He is making promises to me and breaking them. He promises me that he will stay away from the alcohol because it feeds into his sorrows! But then goes out and drinks! Like right now, he is getting a full sceening for the job he accepted and I am sure he is going to meet up with his buddy afterwards for a drink! His mood and alcohol? Great combo! I have enough on my shoulders right now! Sounds like a need for a different site huh? Well, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt But I don't trust him! I don't even trust him when he says I love you! So fake!
By the way, this job that he will be taking, he will be away from us 3/4 days a week! Can you believe this? I AM SO FRUSTRATED! I am trying to figure out Gods plan! Cause I am confused to where my life is leading me!
Well, bye for now!
Ali <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Ali,

So ... nobody suppose to bash your WH but you ... LOL !, just kidding!.

WH is not in-love with you ... not yet, it requires 4 rules of recovery to gain it back. Meanwhile he has to be willingly gather himself up and try. So far "por nada" !.

We have warned him about loosing you ... it is a matter of time. IMVHO. He is the type that know what to do but find excuses to avoid it !. MyInsanityMadeMeDoIt type of a guy.

-rh-

Oh Redhat please continue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You and a few others are so right on target with the advice! And for the constructive bashing of course. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I know there is only so much a person can say!
I am getting pretty tired of the games that he is playing with me! I told him to go. And I told him to go back to the Attorney that he saw Wednesday to find about divorce! Serve me the papers! See what happens! My heart is truley breaking, but like I said before, I don't want to be with someone if they don't want to be with me!
Anyway, until tomorrow these are the days of our lives!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Ali

Ali...My H and I had a problem with his abusive drinking before, during and after his affair. It was a very large boulder blocking our path to recovery for quite a long time. So I do understand, has this been a problem before the affair business? It seems that many affairs go hand in hand with the drinking.

I remember that I wasn't sure about my H's love either. Yes, he told me he did, but I'd look at him and see all the evasions and the down right lies (about drinking) and I didn't believe him. He continued to lie about this issue and he put both of us through a much harder time of healing from the betrayal and trying to regain trust because of it. Thankfully, he has put a stop to this, but it sure didn't happen over night, took several months of some royal battles...which isn't really the best way to address this issue, but I tend to tread where angels fear to go. If he does have a problem with this, get in touch with Al-Anon...it's a good program and will help you avoid the mistakes which I made and give you some valuable information.

You're recovery is going to be effected by his being absent part of each week. You and Randy are really going to have to figure out a way to communicate so that he can reassure you while he is gone. LOTS and LOTS of phone calls, IM on computers, emails, whatever is needed.

What did he say when you told him to go back to the lawyers and file? I realize that this isn't something you want, and I honestly don't think it's a great thing to bring into the conversation unless you do want it. jmho BUT...I do understand that you have a right to take a stand, if he's unwilling to work on the marriage, then you can NOT make him. You should set YOUR boundaries...then it's up to him if he feels he can live with them. The thing about setting boundaries is they have to be what you can live with also, and you must know in your heart and be willing to walk away if they are crossed. This can be very, very hard.

Praying right along with you!

Hi Ali,

I read your posts and know you are hurting, but also see a lot of frustration in dealing with Randy’s indecisiveness now. I’ve been down this road a bit, dealing with an affair that was much more serious than yours (three years, including them planning to divorce and start a family together), but having the advantage of being coached through a good bit of it by a Marriage Builder coach. D-day for us was December 2001. So early last year, I was in the same situation as you. Today, my wife is the one more active in the coaching sessions, and we’re finally in recovery. It’s been quite a turnaround from the past few years, and I’m very optimistic. But some thoughts on some things you’ve written:

I love all of your advice that has been given to Randy to wake up and to stop feeling sorry for himself! Only if he could just hear the voices that are behind the well written advice.

He’s not going to hear any of this. He’s just lost the love of his life – the person that filled him with excitement, made him feel so special, filled that void in his life. If he is similar to my wife, he saw this other person as his true love and soul mate in this journey of life. For 6-9 months post D-day, my wife was in withdrawal. Mourning the loss of her soul mate. Not wanting to go forward with our marriage, not wanting to leave because of the effect on our daughter, but just wanting to be left alone. What can you do then? Well, no Love Busting – because it is the only thing that will get through that layer of withdrawal now, but it’s only going to push him further away. Telling him what he should and shouldn’t do, what his problem is, why he can’t let go – all of these coming from you are Disrespectful Judgements. I hate to tell you this, but even in the best environments (and I was being coached heavily through D-day and the months following), your husband probably still has months until he’s going to pop out of this and commit to working on your marriage. It is going to be a very trying time for you. (A true commitment from my wife probably did not come for 12-14 months post D-day).

But my hurt comes up to often. It is still fresh, very fresh in my mind!!

All I can tell you is that, with time, it will get better. In our situation, OM was a close friend and very much a part of our family, our vacations, our hobbies. It took quite a bit of time before the visions started to fade away. Actually, it took a lot of effort making new memories that my wife and I share, to paint over the old ones of him. But it’s not an overnight process.

Randy's problem has been letting go. No matter what the situation has been, he can't let go for what ever the reason it may be.

The reality though is that the OW filled a void in his life. At a minimum, she met EN’s that you didn’t. In my own situation, the OM met EN’s as well as didn’t have the history of hurt and LB’ing that my wife shared with me. She had a hard time letting go. She still has occasions where she is withdrawn because she has memories of him, or thoughts about how it could have been different. We went through some of that last month, when she found OM was now divorced. But she’s very Open and Honest with me now, and we talked through some of that, and I gave her space to grieve. Yes, it hurts me to know she’s still going through this. But LB’ing is not going to pull her closer to me.

And yes, it hurts not knowing if he loves me or not!

Ok, let’s just get this out of the way. He doesn’t love you. Period. Now, is it possible that he loved you at one time, with the same intensity he had for OW? Absolutely. But the most important thing is that he can have feelings of love for you again, and as well you can have those feelings for him too.

Alli, have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, I would suggest going to the Marriage Builder store and ordering it quickly. It will really help explain a lot of what he is going through, reaffirm the feelings you are having, and provide some guidance and direction on how to recover. This is not going to be an overnight process though, although I wish I could tell you he’s going to snap out of it and be Mr Wonderful this afternoon at 2:18 pm. Good luck to you.

P

PS. As for the job away 3-4 days a week, well, that is going to be difficult. I found that my wife got very disconnected when she did business travel. Now it’s reduced as much as possible, and when she does have to travel, we talk several times per day, and as well I send her e-mails she reads at night. As for the attorney, and telling him to just make up his mind and file, I think you need to work at this a bit more before that stage. And then I would recommend Plan B prior to Plan Divorce. I might feel differently if you didn’t have a child.

I am being censored every minute so I want to make this short.

One major hurdle was taken care of yesterday as I was offered a position near Chicago.

But the group knows this is not the "real" hurdle. The real hurdle is repairing the marriage.

The void that was filled during the affair was real. I will not say anything else.

I am at a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I need to make a decision on whether or not on want to stay married and work this out or is it time to leave???

I am just not ready yet.

I still love my wife but I have a void that hurts.

My wife does not want to understand and neither does the chat group. I need to work on the relationship but I still hurt.

DAMN IT!!!! I KNOW MY WIFE HURTS MORE THAN I!!!

Randy,
You are still in lots of pain...I know cause I've been there. Just promise one thing....you will keep coming here and reading the messages, because I think there is hope for your marriage. When the pain lessens a little, you will be ready to restore your marriage, and I can promise you that the 'stuff' I've read here and the advice I've gotten is turning mine around.

Of course you hurt.....you can't stop that pain, you have to get through it. But there will come a day when you will be 'well' enough to listen to advice from others who have experienced what you have gone through. Stay in touch, Diane

RANDY,

You are not being censored you are running away from your own thread. Actually it is a bad idea to hop in here. You should start a new thread is you have new questions or vents or issues or you could reply in your own thread. IMVHO. you could lurk but to posting in your SO's thread and aslo it is true for your SO.

Anyway, no one say that there is no void or your A is not real feeling. Everyone could make mistake but what defined you is "what are you going to do about it ?". Your SO is willing to work on M and filling your void and I have no doubt she is capable ... she was filling it at one point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . How about you ?. You keep picking at this wound ... it would never heal ... and I hope you won't cause infection to other aspect of your life.

I am going back to pull weed at my yard. -rh-

one more thing ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>I am at a crossroad in my marriage with my wife. I need to make a decision on whether or not on want to stay married and work this out or is it time to leave???

I am just not ready yet.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know crossroad has 4 directions and one idle point. Staying put is not an option ... you are hurting your SO by staying put.

-rh-

ali- i know i dont know you both, and i know i am also much further along. i do remember the beginning though---i dont think i will ever forget.

i have to ask---why are you hanging on to him???

the other who know me here know i have never in 2 yrs posted something like this to someone. he sounds out of his mind-are you sure you are safe around him??? let him go and concentrate on you and sick child. maybe he needs a dose of reality. and also some medication

Hi Ali88! I do sincerely hope and pray you and RR make it - I have responded to a few of his posts and agree with you - he is looking for a 'yes man' to tell him what he wants to hear. The only 'yes' that needs to be said is: "Yes, Ali my wife, I have screwed up and I want to go to Marriage Counseling with you, my Wife and let's make our Marriage work and we WILL get back what we had before. And I will guard my heart." That is what I'm hoping and praying RR will say and do!
Sincerely, Harold

Good evening to all!

I kicked Randy out of the house today. He continues to mope about her! I had enough! I am feeling very numb! It is so strange because my stomach will not stop the turning and tossing! I am afraid I going to end up with an ulcer! I can't cry out my feelings because I am safe guarding them!
Mr. P..... I agree his EN were not meet when he was 1200 miles away! How could they be? Physically that was impossible! But I sent him care packages, I had sent him e-mails and Ecards to him, I called him and told him how much I missed him, love him and couldn't wait to see him etc.! I counted down the days until I saw him! And told him that! I ALWAYS look to the better said of things. I knew the arrangement would not be permant and that kept me going! I thought to myself all the time, that we will be together soon! But he decided to go through this affair! Funny thing, I could have played the lonely house wife thing! I have friends who are doctors and they have doctor friends that are extremely good looking and noticed me. I had the chance but that shows you how committed I am to my H. I love my H.
He on the other hand did something completely out of character of his nature! I was proud that he was doing so well at his new job. I thought that this arangement was a minor set back in our M but we have been through so much that we could take on anything! I thought he loved me! And the sad part of this whole mess is....We talked it over before he accepted a position any where out of driving range that me and the boys would have stay behind because we did not want to pack up and leave only to find that he hated his job and we'd be stuck financially. Plus then we found out our youngest needed major surgery so I was really forced to stay behind!
This OW was a drug to Randy! That is my aspect! He did not really love her. Besides that is what our MC saidt! His idea of love is that feeling of "newness"! She said it better than I did! But once she started to hit some rough spots w/Randy, he stopped going!
Our next door neighbor, also our pastor, said Randy needs a Phychiatrist (sp). He and his wife are in total shock of Randy's behavior! Like I said earlier; Who are you and what did you do with my husband"?
I will never make him feel the way she did! That makes me very hurt! It makes want to call this hobag and chew her a new one! But we all know that won't do a thing! I know I once made him feel special! The look in his eyes told me that! He told me that(today) she did something to him (yea, screwed him up for me. Thank you very much) and made him feel alive! Yes, because he was happy at his job! I haven't seen him feel that way about his job in a long time! So bamm, He's happy, hobag is right there and not loving wife and you know what happened next! I should have been there! I was forced to stay here for several reasons! I wanted to be with him! I cried several times at night because I missed him! This house is so big and felt so empty even with the kids here! I hated turning the lights off and knowing that I wouldn't see his naked butt in the morning taking a shower ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). I missed him!
Now, I get the pieces from this reckage! She got him when he was happy now I get him again in a depressed mood! OH JOY! But this is far worse than ever before his lost positions! He is treating my like trash, he is not paying attention to my feelings, he definitely lacks any empathy! I am not sure what to do here! I want to work this out but if he is unwilling then it is time to say goodbye! It hurts saying that! I know one day he will be happy and I am hoping that I am by his side when he does! But if this continues, I will have to follow what the right thing is! What ever that might be! Do I make you all sick or what??? I hate that I am so freak'in positive! I sometimes think it works against me!
By the way, Did any of you BS's -he hee, that cracks me up, start to dream about your ex boy/girl friends etc? I have one guy that keeps popping up in my dreams. I not sure if I am protecting my self. But this is crazy! I don't even want a relationship with anyone! Randy keeps asking, why don't I have an affair? He says, that he wishes I would? What so he can find an legit excuse to leave me? I told him where the door is. If he doesn't want to stay... then go!
Who knows when he will return again. My nails are all chewed off! OK, must go not. Please continue to post replys. You ALL are helping me so much!
But Diane, You are telling Randy exactly what he want to hear! He is using you as an excuse and it is not working for him! He is not focusing on what needs to be done! You are giving him the excuse to feel sorry for him self!
Thanks to all,
Ali

oh, note book dude,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers! Deeply appreciated!You can always tell geniune people! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali, I am so sorry you are going through this. Heck I am sorry I am going through this. I would do as you are too. Honestly, I think this moping is due to the affair not ending with him seeing her fault clearly. He is only remembering the good and ignoring the bad. He is only seeing the bad with you and ignoring all the good. I do believe it is what they call the fog.

He needs counselling, to work through his issues. They are mainly his issues and unfortunately, you have to deal with the fall out.

My husband woke up when I threw all his stuff at his work's door, in front of everyone. That was where he was carrying on, making himself look like and [censored], and me an idiot. It made ME feel better to do so. I made him move out and live with a friend(granted only a week, but it was a looooong week for us both) What I had on my side is that the A had already pretty much died and he had already seen the good me for 4 months. It was the wake up call *he* needed. The reality he needed to see. I hadn't read MB yet, it was all instinctual. Because I was so serious and he knew it, it was the right thing to do. I was divorcing him and no one was going to change my mind(ok, so it changed pretty quick) Thing is, he knew I was not faking it.

You have to follow your heart. You need to do what is best for you and your child. PERIOD. Randy has his issues, you cannot fix them for him. Have him take the Chicago job but make sure you work out a financial arrangement for YOU and your child.

You need so IC for yourself, to help you make it through. I also suggest some ambien for nighttime sleep and possibly either an antidepressant or anti anxiety drug. I had to live on ambien for the week he was out of the house. I don't think I would have made it otherwise. I am not depressed, but have some serious anxiety still and we are doing very well. I can only imagine your emotional state with the way he is pining for this woman.

My prayers are with you

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Hi!
The numbness that I am feeling is beginning to peal off slowly! It is almost like giving birth! OK, strange correlation here! It is coming out more and more. And when it does, it shoves it self back in and I clam up! But the pain is becoming worse and worse! Reality check??? Or is this my minds way of protecting myself from the extreme pain that I am eventually going to have to face?
Randy found a job and it is not the job he wants. This is only a temp type of job (company does not know that) He is looking for his a job in his industry. But he is moping around just like he did before the Texas job came up! This is how I had him before he left! This is why he went astray! The memory of what he left behind was miserable!
I told him that this behavoir that he is having is what got our marriage into trouble! HE DOESN"T GET IT! But we all know that should be expected right?
My question is, do you think I am being used? Am I a comfort zone? He said; "Now that I have a job, we can start working on us"! OK I am waiting for Tinkerbell and her magic fairy dust! What is he waiting for? And how in Gods name can he work on our marriage 3 days a week? My guess, he doesn't want to! He wants either to end it or have me do all the work! Which is what I did when he lost his job previous to Texas!
Ali

The emotions are starting to hit hard! I feel that they are no longer being stuffed! Or the numbness that I am feeling is wearing off! I feel depressed and sad! My thoughts are obsessive about the time that he spent with her.
He continues to "mourn" the loss of his job and the fact that he loved it in Texas and of course her! We got into a yelling match last night! I am so feed up with the way he tortures himself about this OW!
I am hurting and I hate this feeling! Why is it finally coming out now????? What triggered the emotions to start coming out?
Ali

Time and things settling in your mind and heart. Your body may also be showing signs of being tired. You may not be getting enough rest and carrying a lot of emotional baggage right now.

Have you seen a doctor about anti-deps?

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>oh, note book dude,

Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers! Deeply appreciated!You can always tell geniune people! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Ali88/RR. Not sure if I got that right or not, as I have been following your Thread since you first posted. This is to Mrs. RR - I sincerely hope I do not offend you.
Thank you for your kind post. I do want you to know I've been praying for you both: Mrs. RR that you will find healing thru this terrible hurt you have just received and continue to feel. And RR that you will WAKE UP and get into some serious Marriage Counseling with your dear wife!!!
I had this problem a good many years ago when I was the one who had the Affair on my wife back in '94. It is something utterly STOOPIT I did that I regret to this day; however, the only good thing that came out of it was that it accelerated the demise of an already HELLISH marriage. Had I the chance to do it all over again, I would have RUN LIKE HE!L from the 'other woman' I really would. The shattering hurt is beyond belief for those who have never endured it.
Mrs. RR, I sympathize with you. I also know that Mr. RR needs to get rid of his 'I feel sooo sorry for myself, poor me' attitude, sincerely apologize to YOU and get into counseling ASAP. He needs to get over this crap and move on with life with YOU beside him. The sooner he realizes this, the sooner you two can begin healing and working TOGETHER on your Marriage. I feel that you want to - despite your hurt, you still want to. I don't blame you for not wanting to put up with his sorry attitude.
May the Good Lord bless you both and heal you!
Peace and Prayers, Harold