Help! Just found out...Medical Residency Story

Well, to those of you who have been helping me out over the last few days on my post "Husband in Medical Residency" in GQII, thanks.

I found out tonight that my intuition was right. My H is having an affair. I can hardly type. I need help. I don't know how to control my emotions. This is the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced.

Affair has gone on about 6 weeks. He met her at a bar when he was on an off-service rotation (he was living away from home for a month). I found out because he hid his car keys while he was taking a nap after work. I found them by total chance and my radar went crazy. I went and took his car away from our house and searched it. Of course there was something to find, otherwise why hide keys? I did find it. I found a cell phone he purchased for use with conversation with her!!! I came in, woke him up from his nap and forced him into confessing. He said he would end it, and I made him call her number with me on mute on the other line so I could hear the conversation. She didn't pick up though, so that conversation didn't happen.

WHAT NEXT? My world has fallen apart...

[ November 13, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: 2004sally ]

Hi sally
Sorry to hear you were right. I dont have any answers as I myself found out 7 weeks ago about my H 7 month A . All I can say is what everyone else will say go to Plan A Plan A and more Plan A.
Read the info on this sight again and again it does help to calm your head.
Hang on in ther dont let your emotions get the better of you.
Get him to make the call again while he is still agreeing to it> Do it now. May be OW is married and it was not a good time for her to answer!

He stayed home from work today and we are going to make the call today. How do you eat? How do you sleep? When do your hands and arms and legs stop shaking?

Discovery is good. OK start with no contact with the OW for him. NONE. It should be easier if she is out of town. You will need something for sleep and maybe antidepressants. Keep with plan A. It will hurt, but keep with plan A to let him know he has made the right decision to stay with you. Dr Harley does phone counceling if you need it. I am sorry. I have been there and it hurts. Know that you can still have a wonderful marriage. I am so sorry.

One more thing FYI-sometimes the WS agrees to NC only to rekindle later-that is why NC is so important. Infidelity hits many marriages. Fix what's wrong and move on. He screwed up and knows it.

One more thing-most Hs do stay with their Ws. Less than 3% of affair relationships lasts, so take a deep breath. It will be OK and the shaking stops in about a day or two. The food thing takes about a month and the sleep about the same. THis happened to me 4 years ago so I have been reading ever since. The ball is in your court. Don't you worry about a thing-residents don't have time for affairs. He is probably relieved.

Does your H work with this gal at the hospital? In either case, get yourself Shirley Glasses' book, "Not Just Friends", which is good for teaching about boundaries. Secondly, but most importantly, get MC'ing if you want to save the marriage.

Recognizing how hard this is, if someone says "I don't have time!" , remember that there seems to be time to have an affair. We tend to make time for stuff that we really want in life.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by 2004sally:
 He stayed home from work today and we are going to make the call today. How do you eat? How do you sleep? When do your hands and arms and legs stop shaking? <hr /></blockquote>Sorry to hear about this. YOu are in the right place if you want to at least find out why this happned. I know how you feel now, as do others, we have been there. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The day's events have been interesting. My H told me the details of the A, but I didn't feel like he was telling the whole story -- he said they talked a lot on the phone for last 2 mos, went out 3 times and kissed several times. Hard for me to believe that is all there was. I decided I needed to talk to her face to face. I had her cell phone number so I converted it to her address and went over there. There she was. She corroborated his entire story -- and I feel pretty sure my H did not warn her. He had NO IDEA I knew how to find an address from a cell phone. So, affair was mostly emotional a little bit physical, but I feel lucky that it got too deep on either side.

I don't feel much better with the exception that I do feel like I know what happened.

Now, on to plan A I guess. Need to do some research there.

If anyone has any suggestions about how they handled a similar situation, please help. Thanks.

Yes, they may have both lied to you. It may not be true that they slept together, but be ready to expect that it did happen. She may have been covering for him.

I am glad you spoke to her because she will have your face in her head. Yes, plan a and no LBs (love busters). Spend what little free time you have with your H doing fun things, hobbies that he likes to do-tickets to a ball game, etc. Make it fun. Oh yes, and a trip to Victoria's Secret.

It stinks. Do you have children? If not, seriously examine the relationship before you do. Try to find out what ENs were not being met on both sides. So sorry for your pain.

Just to be safe, I am working on this relationship thinking that the affair involved them sleeping together.

Yes, we do have a child. She is a child from a former marriage of mine. He came into our lives when she was 1 and has been her dad ever since. she calls him "Dad" etc.

I have no other children with him, and I will definitely make sure that this thing is solid before we do.

He was MAD at me last night after learning that I saw the OW (I told him straight out). He woke up mad at me too. I am trying to be sweet and not bust out and cry, etc. But this is VERY hard.

Is it ok to show my sad feelings in front of him during plan A? Is his anger the fact that I likely ended his affair?

Oh and I guess plan A includes having sex with him. How the hXYZ am I supposed to do that? I love him, but this is HARD.

[ November 13, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: 2004sally ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by 2004sally:
 Just to be safe, I am working on this relationship thinking that the affair involved them sleeping together.

Yes, we do have a child. She is a child from a former marriage of mine. He came into our lives when she was 1 and has been her dad ever since. she calls him "Dad" etc.

I have no other children with him, and I will definitely make sure that this thing is solid before we do.

He was MAD at me last night after learning that I saw the OW (I told him straight out). He woke up mad at me too. I am trying to be sweet and not bust out and cry, etc. But this is VERY hard.

Is it ok to show my sad feelings in front of him during plan A? Is his anger the fact that I likely ended his affair?

Oh and I guess plan A includes having sex with him. How the hXYZ am I supposed to do that? I love him, but this is HARD. <hr /></blockquote>Well I should warn you that I do NOT suscribe the Plan A that is practiced here. I don't really have advice for you. most people here witll tell you that you have to meet his EN's now. If that means having sex with him or giving him adoration then YOU HAVE TO DO IT. You CANNOT show himn your anger or hurt about all of this. You cannot be angry with him or show him how upset you are. You have to talk clamly to him and just tsay things in a very smooth tone. This is your chance to win back your husbands love and commitment. You have to show him that you can be the wife he wants so that he stays in the marriage and does not stray. This is a great opportunity for you to win his love back as he has broken the affair off (solely becasue he got caught mind you) and is still living with you. This is what you will be told here.

Good luck and best wishes in rebuilding your marriage. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> most people here witll tell you that you have to meet his EN's now. If that means having sex with him or giving him adoration then YOU HAVE TO DO IT. You CANNOT show himn your anger or hurt about all of this. You cannot be angry with him or show him how upset you are. You have to talk clamly to him and just tsay things in a very smooth tone. This is your chance to win back your husbands love and commitment... <hr /></blockquote>and lose his respect entirely, not to mention your own self-respect. I have to disagree with this. Radical honesty is one of the MB principles and it is safeguard against infidelity. Letting your husband know how deeply he has hurt you is an important way to help prevent it from happening again. The trick is to do it without love-busting, ie, no name-calling or insults. It is entirely appropriate and in fact desirable to let him know how you feel, how much he has hurt you. If you bury your hurt, it will come back to haunt you. And what message are you sending him? You have an affair and I will reward you, including have SF when it's the last thing I want to do...You have to work through the hurt and anger, there's no going around it.

At the same time you now have an opportunity to work on yourself and the marriage. That means caring for yourself (as you painfully know, you've suffered a huge injury), discovering what your personal and marital weaknesses are and coming up with a recovery plan. Take time to heal yourself. Join a yoga or other fitness class. Try journalling. Indulge yourself a little. And most importantly, HAVE SOME FUN. Have some fun on your own and have fun together as a couple. Create some new memories to replace the painful ones. Rebuild a better stronger marriage to replace the one that was vulnerable to an affair. And it can get better, a lot better!

Your first step Sally...a no-contact letter. Read up about it here in the concepts page. Your marriage will not recover without it.

I wish you all the best in recovering your marriage.

Nat

So sorry to hear....my H is an MD as well, had an A ( started out as PA, now is sort of EA? who knows....) with a patient (yeah, I know...). But I would also agree with the previous post about plan A; it's really not meant to turn you into a doormat (although you may feel like that in the beginning).

And it is supposed to have a fixed limit ( which is something that sadly, I didn't really implement, and here am I now). Plan A, at least as I see it, is about communication, not outbursts and disrespect. Of COURSE you can show your grief--you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel it right now. But plan A is also about showing your spouse about what the marriage really is about--you and him. You do NOT have to adore him ( at least I didn't); what you DO need to do is be able to listen and communicate respectfully. And that's pretty hard, actually.

Plan A is also about listening to yourself--what do YOU want from your marriage? What do YOU think happened here? For me, it was getting past my guilt ( I was very cold to H before the A; I really did set up the situation for him to have the A) and defensiveness, and learn to listen to both myself and to my H. And if you read on the "recovery" thread, I have encountered a setback recently, and yes, I'm also struggling with plan A (although it may sadly be time for plan B in my case...we'll see).

Also...sigh...my H told me initially it wasn't physical. He was lying (he never actually confessed to this; I found out by reading an email he had left open...sigh...). Please steel yourself for this; I hope and pray your H is being honest with you on this.

You will get through this. The posters here are great. There is a common reference thread for plan A....I'll see if I can figure out how to post a link to it; maybe some of the more computer-savvy posters here can find it too?

Take care--CC

Hope you are doing OK. I did plan a first and I felt like I was swimming upstream. After several months and my H's withdrawl from OW he responded by plan aing me without knowing what he was doing. It helps to bond the couple. It isn't about being a doormat, it is about being a safe harbor that your WS can return to. It is about a WS knowing that you are there for them so that they feel comfortable giving up the OP and most of all, it works in most cases. You discover things you never knew about your partner and they about you. I know I impressed my H. Now I am impressed with him.

Have some fun together. I agree with making new memories. Do things he likes to do. One day at a time.

I hear you lemonman, but do you want to be right or do you want to be married to your W.

You know you are right, but do you have it in you to let go and move foward. I cannot fault you either way. If you can't move foward with her, you have to let her go. No one would fault you-this situation stinks.

Sorry for the threadjack-I like lemonman and want him to have a happy life. I also like his POV and get it, but I think to save the marriage honey is better than vinegar. JMHO.

It has been a year and two months since I decovered my FWH's affairs. To warn you the first few months are H___!! You might not be able to eat, sleep, stop crying, or even be able to function. (I went through all of that). He will be mad at you for talking to OW. Don't worry about it. They all get mad at that one. Talk to your WH, be kind, and find out what is missing in your marriage. He will go through many emotions also, and of coarse take them out on you. Be strong. Post and read here. Find someone you can talk to. Also remember that right now he is in a fog, so you may not know all of the truth. WS lie, lie, lie!! One last bit of advice, don't be hurt if he rewrites your relationship history. This also happens. Somehow their brain forgets the truth, forgets the love and happy times, and the focus in on the bad times. Somehow they forget why you fell in love in the first place.

Take care!

We had a social event we were obligated to go to last night. I got a manicure/pedicure and make up done. I looked really good and men everywhere were paying attention to me, including my H. The first hour he did not, he just went around talking with others. I think eventually he realized I wasn't going to make a scene and he came around. Pretty affectionate to me under the circumstances and really came on to me at home. That wwas fun.

I am up after only 3 hours of sleep. I recognize the night was good but I am physically quite a mess. Can't eat much still. Argh.

It gets better. Just wait until you get to the stage when he will accuse you of having an affair. They start to get all worried when they realize you have a free pass. Don't do it though.

I think it is great that you got some attention. You will find some of his "friends" will come on to you in the hopes of you wanting to have a little fling to get even. He'll go nuts when he realizes this.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by new jersey:
 I hear you lemonman, but do you want to be right or do you want to be married to your W.

You know you are right, but do you have it in you to let go and move foward. I cannot fault you either way. If you can't move foward with her, you have to let her go. No one would fault you-this situation stinks.

Sorry for the threadjack-I like lemonman and want him to have a happy life. I also like his POV and get it, but I think to save the marriage honey is better than vinegar. JMHO. <hr /></blockquote>Thanks for the post. I have come to grips with what my STBX-wife did and I don't love her anymore (at least the way a husband should love a wife). You see, she is a multiple occurence betrayer and I eventually lost my love for her...IT IS DEAD. SO to answer your question, it is not about being right or wrong....I don't want to be married to my wife. I think it is very hard for people to understand this on this board. I have seen people tolerate/forgive multiple betrayals, deceit, financial ruin, other children, STD's (exposure to AIDS) and yet they do all this in the name of "marriage". I think a lot of people become doormats (even though they may say differently---It is almost impossible not to when you are in a Plan A and there is continued contact). I think a lot of people use the "vows till I die" excuse and I think a lot of it is BS. Look at the extreme pain and self degrading behavior SOOOOOOO many people have been through all in the name of "winning back their wayward sposuse ". I have too much self esteem and self worth to do what a lot of people do here. Thanks for the post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. I do not mean to denegrate people who do Plan A and tolerate all of the above in the name of their marriage. It is their choice and I am learning to try and not judge them for it.

If it is multiple times, I can understand that. In your line of work you need to have someone at home you can count on. I would be angry if I were you.

I had no idea-yes in some cases it is better to part, and if she treats you with such disrespect then that does have to happen. I know I could not do that to my H, even though he did it to me once. You're not the lemon, she is. Hope you get some time off for yourself.

[ November 15, 2004, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]

Goodmorning Sally-if he's still at home, then my guess is that he is staying. Hope you have a good day.

Thanks, NJ. My H has done some things that have seemed positive. D day was last Thursday. He stayed home with me on Friday (which is impossible to do ad hoc on residency) to be sure I would be ok. We spent the weekend together, and while I was a mess on the inside -- I kept the outside together for the most part. He was very attentive yesterday. We went to his parent's for dinner (they have been a big support to me) and we fell asleep together in a 1-person recliner with me on his lap. I love that stuff.

I am still working on Plan A which I think I understand to be make be best person and really meet his needs. I have to go get the book today. What get's me kind of happy about Plan A is that no matter what, I will be better.

This rollercoaster is not at all fun though. I still have his 2nd covert cell phone and can't bring myself to part with it. I thought it would be ringing off the hook, but it hasn't. I think I am going to drive over it with my car : )

Dropping the phone in water is also quite effective, but it might work once it drys off. It all sounds like it is going in the right direction. He has no time or energy for an affair, lets face it, it was an escape for him. This is the beginning of a better relationship for the two of you. Got to go-little on whining.

Here is an important question....

I was lucky enought to get into an IC today. I am going this afternoon.

My H said he is willing to go to MC but has no time, I am not kidding. We pulled his schedule to see and there is no time. We can't afford $185 / hour for phone counseling. The other part about my H is that he is very tired after work and going to MC would be bad after work. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions out there?

I am having a baaad day today. I was paying bills and realized how much money he spent on the dates with the OW. On the prepaid cell phone, it was about $200 and he probably spent another $100 on drinks/food for her. That makes me so sad. The money and the time and the lies are so sad.

Tell him he had enough time to see the OW, so he has enough time for MC. Then call Dr Harley and do phone C. He has time for a phone call.

If you can swing it, do a MB weekend.

Yes, I know it is upsetting to think about the money-we made bad business deals during this time because my H was not thinking about our future and I was assumeing there was no affair at that time. It will get better and he will pay you back. Hope you have a better day.

[ November 16, 2004, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]

He has been so nice since last Thursday (d-day). He went from not talking and icing me out to being talkative and responsive almost immediately (after 2 days). That makes me a bit leery, because I really want it to last. He has been thoughtful and has spent a lot of time with me. Between Sunday and last night, we spent 15 hours of really good time together already for this week.

I know he can't keep this up because he is neglecting reading for work. But I love the time with him and it is almost MORE painful because spending time makes my heart feel so strongly for him in a positive way when I should be mad.

Not sure how to balance all of these emotions.

There is often a honeymoon period after a d day, esp. if he is in love with you-which he is by his actions. The sex becomes frequest and unbelievable and you bond again as a couple. Yes-emotions like yours are very real and normal. You love him, but are angry about the betrayal.

That makes me want to cry hearing you say he is in love with me. Yes, I believe we are in honeymoon period. He is wanting sex 2x/day and calling me during the day too. This is how we used to be and I don't expect it to keep up, but I guess I should enjoy it while it lasts.

He's afraid to loose you. It will last for a few months and that part is great. He is also afraid you will go and have an affair. Classic from the book of WS. Just wait till he starts to accuse you-try not to laugh in his face or get mad-huge LB.

Make sure you find out his EN (emotional needs). Once we identified these, I saw where our marriage went wrong. He had playmate and physical attractiveness as two high needs. I never dressed up with two kids and had gained some weight after the second one. I also was less interested in sex at the time because I was working full time and taking care of two kids under 5. I also was in school so I had to study at night. It just went on the back burner. Less than once a week when now it still is everyday (almost) since d day. We also had no us time and never went out on dates together. Big marriage mistakes. With those needs corrected he has no need to go seeking. Hope this helps.

[ November 17, 2004, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]

Good advice thanks. My H is pretty insightful. He had been telling me I wasn't meeting his ENs for a long time but I, like you, have been too busy focusing on career and our D. I realized I wasn't having any fun either.

My H has high needs for physical and recreational time like yours. He wants me to dress up and look sexy. He likes sex and he is a 2x a day person. I think it helps him relieve his stress. I like it to, I just need to take a nap during the day so I can keep up with him at night.

He has always told me to "spoil" myself because he can't due to time. I never listened and didn't get new clothes, make-up etc. Well I decided that I was totally wrong. Since D-day,I have bought new makeup, clothes (not so big and blah!), and had a manicure. Next week I am having my teeth whitened and the hair on my legs lasered off so I never have to shave again. I told him he has created a monster, and he laughed and said that me doing these things is what he has always wanted. He has been telling me this for two years now and I haven't been listening. I am listening now!

Oh yes...I have the charge card for Victoria's Secret!! Enjoy!

Today and yesterday have been interesting days. My H has been so sweet and so loving that it is having a physically negative effect on me. It is as though the time and attention is making me love him more and that is really scary considering his prior actions. I am scared to death. He has been reassuring, talking happily about the future, etc. etc.

I am not letting him know how scared I am but it is very very difficult. I sometimes just sit paralyzed with fear. Anyone else experience this?

Everyday...it lessens, but you have awoken to the fact that he can cause you pain. The man who is supposed to love and protect you betrayed your greatest intimacy. He brought another woman to the couple. I believe it is self preservation. You know he could do it again, and that is what you have to deciede...do you want to risk it again? I did because I believe I am strong enough to handle it if it happens and I do not want my kids to loose their dad. If it happens again I will have to deal with it. I won't be so understanding if it does happen again...no one can say what they would do, each case is different. I never thought I would take him back the first time. I really surprised myself. I do love him and I hope he loves me enough not to do it again. If he does, then I'll have my answer.

I found myself fighting myself last night (and I feel that way this morning). Internally, I am trying to self-sabotage, i.e. pick a fight with him, or bring up OW and ask questions, etc. I did ask a few little questions and nothing was heated or escalated at all. He continues to have the right responses and give me attention and be understanding.

I am going crazy because I feel like I don't have control over myself and if I start being b?tchy or angry that I will set things backwards. I think this is the other half of what is paralyzing me.

When you were there, how did you control an insane internal pressure to bring it up all the time?

Sally-
I've been following your post and I was really sorry to hear that you discovered your H was having an affair as you had suspected.

As far as you feeling all of the pressure concerning your questions and feelings about the affair VS. trying to keep the peace, I think that has got to be pretty normal. I just don't see how those feelings will ever go away unless they are brought up and discussed, though, and I don't see how that can all be done in a healthy way without the help of a marriage counselor. I hope that you and your H will find a good one ASAP. He's shown that he was able to find the time and the money when it came down to something that he really wanted (OW), so I would not settle for ANY excuses from him...it's a matter of saving your marriage!!!

From reading your posts it almost sounds like you and your husband are kind of allowing you to take the brunt of the blame for his affair because HIS needs weren't being met by you. Please don't fall for this. Yes, I'm sure that there were things he needed and wasn't getting from you....just as there were certainly MANY needs you had that he wasn't meeting....but he was the one that chose to have an affair, you didn't.

Your post caught my eye from the beginning because you sounded so much like me...I'm doubting myself and thinking I'm crazy and paranoid, but I can't explain these horrible feelings I have concerning my H. Can you please tell me what the signs were that made you start to realize something was not quite right with your husband? And could you please tell me how you convert a cell phone # to an address??

Jill,

Thanks for your post. To convert a cell number to an address, go to www.usaskiptrace.com and there will be instructions there. It will cost you $80, but I had the answer in two hours.

With regard to the signs, the first sign was my intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it's not right. All the other signs were little, but when added together it made it clear. So here are the little signs-- he bought a few new shirts (not unusual for him so just made a mental note), became progressively more emotionally withdrawn (i.e. wouldn't talk with me at dinner--would just stare into space), he would go out with his friends more frequently(again not unusual -- more like 1x per week instead of 2x per month), he didn't want me to kiss him or be sexual with him, he didn't look at me "that way" anymore (my H would usually look at me when I was naked), he withdrew from our daughter some, he stopped calling his mother as much, he started becoming paranoid that I was "all over him" or "checking up on him"; there was more cash being withdrawn from the ATM. You can read back how I found out about the extra cell phone. That was the kicker that proved it.

Before I "knew" I found myself questioning whether or not I was crazy and making things up in my head. Now that I look back, I was just in denial. I do think it worked to my advantage though. My ignorance set him up to screw up -- hide the keys and I caught him. My advice to you is to be patient, understand that you are not crazy and add up all the little signs. If you are here, your intuition is likely dead on. Sorry to say that.

Love to hear your story and what is going on with your H.

There is a great big list of things to look for. Maybe someone can post a link.

Mine took the dog out for a walk-phone in hand
new underware
showered when he came home
new interests in music etc
new friends
new hobbies
weight loss
kept clothes in the car
secretive about car
took car seat out
it goes on and on

Tr not to LB when you talk to him, I'd give dr H a call..phone MC would fit your schedule.

Sally and newjersey, thanks for the info, I really do appreciate it!

I am working on getting my thoughts together enough to post my situation, I'm a complete wreck right now after H came home late last night after an "emergency" came up again for the second Fri. in a row. Everything seems to always be justified, so that's where the crazymaking part comes in for me.

Anyway, I don't want to steal from your post but I really do appreciate your response to me. I'm anxious to hear how things are going for you and your H and I hope your weekend is going OK.

Had another good weekend. I went out with the girls on Friday night. It was a strange experience and it was hard because guys were hitting on me at the place we were at and it made me feel like that is what my H did to the OW. But, my H continues to be very supportive, apologetic, etc. He has been telling me where he goes, when he goes and calls me very frequently and says for me to call him whenever. He has been leaving all his stuff out and available, like he is unafraid of me looking through it.

I am cautiously optimistic, but I am still having terrible moments.

Oh, Jill,

I wanted to give you a piece of quick advice. I started plan A one week before my D-day. I didn't know that I was doing plan A but I was. The day I started, my husband began to change. He even remembers the day I did, and he recalls thinking that on that specific day he was going to stop talking with the OW.

If I were in your shoes, I would start plan A now, and subtly keep looking for signs from your H. I kept a journal of what he was doing/when during that time and how I was feeling. Plan A and keep looking for proof.

Hi Jill and Sally-hope you are both doing well. Keep up the plan a. Thinking of you both and hoping all is going your way.

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I feel lucky in timing for my d-day because for some reason my H and I have had a lot of time together. We were 100% together for the last 3.5 days. We did very well, no love busters. Got in a little argument about something not related to the A and we both immediately apologized to each other. He was really quite affectionate, lots of hugs, kisses, hand-holding, calling me "beautiful" etc. Said last night that he was sad to go to work today because he would really miss me. That felt very good. He said Saturday night that he admired my strength working through this and that he was so sorry that he hurt me. I also heard him tell his mom that he and I would be "bad grandparents" because our grandkids would be frustrated because we would always make them eat healthy food. This is good to hear him say too. He hasn't talked about or alluded the future with me for several months. He also hasn't gone out with friends, etc since d-day.

So all appears to be going well. It is still a short time out since d-day and I still feel strong strong urges to talk about the A with him. I am avoiding it because I don't want to bring it up again. I am still looking for signs of things continuing with the A...I guess that may go on forever. He is quite accepting of me meeting his needs, and he is doing a terrific job of trying to meet mine. Does that mean we are in recovery?

Still hurts a lot.

Been a few days and wanted to send continued good news. I don't think my H could be handling this any better. I am still a mess and had a break down two nights ago. No LBs, just crying and sad about what has happened. He spent hours and hours holding and comforting me. He continued to reassure me.

Last night we spent another 4 or so hours together. I know at some point we can't do this anymore because he is totally neglecting working out and reading, but I can say that spending as much time together as we have has been very beneficial. We have probably been doing 25+ hours per week since D-day.

Last night he was holding me in bed and he said he was so happy that he rediscovered me again and that he feels very much in love with me. He probably said "I love you so much" about 10 times last night, and that is about 5 times more than he usually says it.

I am still having a very hard time with the whole thing but am keeping my head up with no LBs and being thoughtful of him. This stuff really works both for me and for him. I can say I am a believer. My H was so loving last night even after being in the OR all day in surgery with a multiple limb removal of a 16 year old. After he comforted me, I tried my best to comfort him after his terrible day in the OR.

Oh, and I did ask some questions about the OW the other night because I am having a hard time accepting that their relationship consisted only of them meeting for drinks 3 times and kissing at the bar on two of those nights. I have a hard time believing this even though I have verified his story every which way and it holds up. He said whatever I need to do to beleive him I could, including calling OW (even though I have already been to her house). He seems very open which is good. And it helps that he has been with me almost 100% of time since dday.

Quick update...all is going very well. My H continues to spend all his time with me. He is calling me during the day and being affectionate and connected. This feels so much like we used to be, and I love it. He continues to show remorse, but more importantly he is paying attention to me and our marriage. I am still scared, paranoid, sick at times, but he is doing everything right so far. I hope that we are working towards a happy ending.

Sounds like everything is going the right way. Luckily you found out early. Have a good day. Just wanted to pop in and say hello.