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Well, to those of you who have been helping me out over the last few days on my post "Husband in Medical Residency" in GQII, thanks.

I found out tonight that my intuition was right. My H is having an affair. I can hardly type. I need help. I don't know how to control my emotions. This is the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced.

Affair has gone on about 6 weeks. He met her at a bar when he was on an off-service rotation (he was living away from home for a month). I found out because he hid his car keys while he was taking a nap after work. I found them by total chance and my radar went crazy. I went and took his car away from our house and searched it. Of course there was something to find, otherwise why hide keys? I did find it. I found a cell phone he purchased for use with conversation with her!!! I came in, woke him up from his nap and forced him into confessing. He said he would end it, and I made him call her number with me on mute on the other line so I could hear the conversation. She didn't pick up though, so that conversation didn't happen.

WHAT NEXT? My world has fallen apart...

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: 2004sally ]</small>

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Hi sally
Sorry to hear you were right. I dont have any answers as I myself found out 7 weeks ago about my H 7 month A . All I can say is what everyone else will say go to Plan A Plan A and more Plan A.
Read the info on this sight again and again it does help to calm your head.
Hang on in ther dont let your emotions get the better of you.
Get him to make the call again while he is still agreeing to it> Do it now. May be OW is married and it was not a good time for her to answer!

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He stayed home from work today and we are going to make the call today. How do you eat? How do you sleep? When do your hands and arms and legs stop shaking?

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Discovery is good. OK start with no contact with the OW for him. NONE. It should be easier if she is out of town. You will need something for sleep and maybe antidepressants. Keep with plan A. It will hurt, but keep with plan A to let him know he has made the right decision to stay with you. Dr Harley does phone counceling if you need it. I am sorry. I have been there and it hurts. Know that you can still have a wonderful marriage. I am so sorry.

One more thing FYI-sometimes the WS agrees to NC only to rekindle later-that is why NC is so important. Infidelity hits many marriages. Fix what's wrong and move on. He screwed up and knows it.

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One more thing-most Hs do stay with their Ws. Less than 3% of affair relationships lasts, so take a deep breath. It will be OK and the shaking stops in about a day or two. The food thing takes about a month and the sleep about the same. THis happened to me 4 years ago so I have been reading ever since. The ball is in your court. Don't you worry about a thing-residents don't have time for affairs. He is probably relieved.

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Does your H work with this gal at the hospital? In either case, get yourself Shirley Glasses' book, "Not Just Friends", which is good for teaching about boundaries. Secondly, but most importantly, get MC'ing if you want to save the marriage.

Recognizing how hard this is, if someone says "I don't have time!" , remember that there seems to be time to have an affair. We tend to make time for stuff that we really want in life.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2004sally:
<strong> He stayed home from work today and we are going to make the call today. How do you eat? How do you sleep? When do your hands and arms and legs stop shaking? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sorry to hear about this. YOu are in the right place if you want to at least find out why this happned. I know how you feel now, as do others, we have been there. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

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The day's events have been interesting. My H told me the details of the A, but I didn't feel like he was telling the whole story -- he said they talked a lot on the phone for last 2 mos, went out 3 times and kissed several times. Hard for me to believe that is all there was. I decided I needed to talk to her face to face. I had her cell phone number so I converted it to her address and went over there. There she was. She corroborated his entire story -- and I feel pretty sure my H did not warn her. He had NO IDEA I knew how to find an address from a cell phone. So, affair was mostly emotional a little bit physical, but I feel lucky that it got too deep on either side.

I don't feel much better with the exception that I do feel like I know what happened.

Now, on to plan A I guess. Need to do some research there.

If anyone has any suggestions about how they handled a similar situation, please help. Thanks.

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Yes, they may have both lied to you. It may not be true that they slept together, but be ready to expect that it did happen. She may have been covering for him.

I am glad you spoke to her because she will have your face in her head. Yes, plan a and no LBs (love busters). Spend what little free time you have with your H doing fun things, hobbies that he likes to do-tickets to a ball game, etc. Make it fun. Oh yes, and a trip to Victoria's Secret.

It stinks. Do you have children? If not, seriously examine the relationship before you do. Try to find out what ENs were not being met on both sides. So sorry for your pain.

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Just to be safe, I am working on this relationship thinking that the affair involved them sleeping together.

Yes, we do have a child. She is a child from a former marriage of mine. He came into our lives when she was 1 and has been her dad ever since. she calls him "Dad" etc.

I have no other children with him, and I will definitely make sure that this thing is solid before we do.

He was MAD at me last night after learning that I saw the OW (I told him straight out). He woke up mad at me too. I am trying to be sweet and not bust out and cry, etc. But this is VERY hard.

Is it ok to show my sad feelings in front of him during plan A? Is his anger the fact that I likely ended his affair?

Oh and I guess plan A includes having sex with him. How the hXYZ am I supposed to do that? I love him, but this is HARD.

<small>[ November 13, 2004, 09:11 AM: Message edited by: 2004sally ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2004sally:
<strong> Just to be safe, I am working on this relationship thinking that the affair involved them sleeping together.

Yes, we do have a child. She is a child from a former marriage of mine. He came into our lives when she was 1 and has been her dad ever since. she calls him "Dad" etc.

I have no other children with him, and I will definitely make sure that this thing is solid before we do.

He was MAD at me last night after learning that I saw the OW (I told him straight out). He woke up mad at me too. I am trying to be sweet and not bust out and cry, etc. But this is VERY hard.

Is it ok to show my sad feelings in front of him during plan A? Is his anger the fact that I likely ended his affair?

Oh and I guess plan A includes having sex with him. How the hXYZ am I supposed to do that? I love him, but this is HARD. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well I should warn you that I do NOT suscribe the Plan A that is practiced here. I don't really have advice for you. most people here witll tell you that you have to meet his EN's now. If that means having sex with him or giving him adoration then YOU HAVE TO DO IT. You CANNOT show himn your anger or hurt about all of this. You cannot be angry with him or show him how upset you are. You have to talk clamly to him and just tsay things in a very smooth tone. This is your chance to win back your husbands love and commitment. You have to show him that you can be the wife he wants so that he stays in the marriage and does not stray. This is a great opportunity for you to win his love back as he has broken the affair off (solely becasue he got caught mind you) and is still living with you. This is what you will be told here.

Good luck and best wishes in rebuilding your marriage. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> most people here witll tell you that you have to meet his EN's now. If that means having sex with him or giving him adoration then YOU HAVE TO DO IT. You CANNOT show himn your anger or hurt about all of this. You cannot be angry with him or show him how upset you are. You have to talk clamly to him and just tsay things in a very smooth tone. This is your chance to win back your husbands love and commitment... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and lose his respect entirely, not to mention your own self-respect. I have to disagree with this. Radical honesty is one of the MB principles and it is safeguard against infidelity. Letting your husband know how deeply he has hurt you is an important way to help prevent it from happening again. The trick is to do it without love-busting, ie, no name-calling or insults. It is entirely appropriate and in fact desirable to let him know how you feel, how much he has hurt you. If you bury your hurt, it will come back to haunt you. And what message are you sending him? You have an affair and I will reward you, including have SF when it's the last thing I want to do...You have to work through the hurt and anger, there's no going around it.

At the same time you now have an opportunity to work on yourself and the marriage. That means caring for yourself (as you painfully know, you've suffered a huge injury), discovering what your personal and marital weaknesses are and coming up with a recovery plan. Take time to heal yourself. Join a yoga or other fitness class. Try journalling. Indulge yourself a little. And most importantly, HAVE SOME FUN. Have some fun on your own and have fun together as a couple. Create some new memories to replace the painful ones. Rebuild a better stronger marriage to replace the one that was vulnerable to an affair. And it can get better, a lot better!

Your first step Sally...a no-contact letter. Read up about it here in the concepts page. Your marriage will not recover without it.

I wish you all the best in recovering your marriage.

Nat

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So sorry to hear....my H is an MD as well, had an A ( started out as PA, now is sort of EA? who knows....) with a patient (yeah, I know...). But I would also agree with the previous post about plan A; it's really not meant to turn you into a doormat (although you may feel like that in the beginning).

And it is supposed to have a fixed limit ( which is something that sadly, I didn't really implement, and here am I now). Plan A, at least as I see it, is about communication, not outbursts and disrespect. Of COURSE you can show your grief--you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel it right now. But plan A is also about showing your spouse about what the marriage really is about--you and him. You do NOT have to adore him ( at least I didn't); what you DO need to do is be able to listen and communicate respectfully. And that's pretty hard, actually.

Plan A is also about listening to yourself--what do YOU want from your marriage? What do YOU think happened here? For me, it was getting past my guilt ( I was very cold to H before the A; I really did set up the situation for him to have the A) and defensiveness, and learn to listen to both myself and to my H. And if you read on the "recovery" thread, I have encountered a setback recently, and yes, I'm also struggling with plan A (although it may sadly be time for plan B in my case...we'll see).

Also...sigh...my H told me initially it wasn't physical. He was lying (he never actually confessed to this; I found out by reading an email he had left open...sigh...). Please steel yourself for this; I hope and pray your H is being honest with you on this.

You will get through this. The posters here are great. There is a common reference thread for plan A....I'll see if I can figure out how to post a link to it; maybe some of the more computer-savvy posters here can find it too?

Take care--CC

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Hope you are doing OK. I did plan a first and I felt like I was swimming upstream. After several months and my H's withdrawl from OW he responded by plan aing me without knowing what he was doing. It helps to bond the couple. It isn't about being a doormat, it is about being a safe harbor that your WS can return to. It is about a WS knowing that you are there for them so that they feel comfortable giving up the OP and most of all, it works in most cases. You discover things you never knew about your partner and they about you. I know I impressed my H. Now I am impressed with him.

Have some fun together. I agree with making new memories. Do things he likes to do. One day at a time.

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I hear you lemonman, but do you want to be right or do you want to be married to your W.

You know you are right, but do you have it in you to let go and move foward. I cannot fault you either way. If you can't move foward with her, you have to let her go. No one would fault you-this situation stinks.

Sorry for the threadjack-I like lemonman and want him to have a happy life. I also like his POV and get it, but I think to save the marriage honey is better than vinegar. JMHO.

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It has been a year and two months since I decovered my FWH's affairs. To warn you the first few months are H___!! You might not be able to eat, sleep, stop crying, or even be able to function. (I went through all of that). He will be mad at you for talking to OW. Don't worry about it. They all get mad at that one. Talk to your WH, be kind, and find out what is missing in your marriage. He will go through many emotions also, and of coarse take them out on you. Be strong. Post and read here. Find someone you can talk to. Also remember that right now he is in a fog, so you may not know all of the truth. WS lie, lie, lie!! One last bit of advice, don't be hurt if he rewrites your relationship history. This also happens. Somehow their brain forgets the truth, forgets the love and happy times, and the focus in on the bad times. Somehow they forget why you fell in love in the first place.

Take care!

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We had a social event we were obligated to go to last night. I got a manicure/pedicure and make up done. I looked really good and men everywhere were paying attention to me, including my H. The first hour he did not, he just went around talking with others. I think eventually he realized I wasn't going to make a scene and he came around. Pretty affectionate to me under the circumstances and really came on to me at home. That wwas fun.

I am up after only 3 hours of sleep. I recognize the night was good but I am physically quite a mess. Can't eat much still. Argh.

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It gets better. Just wait until you get to the stage when he will accuse you of having an affair. They start to get all worried when they realize you have a free pass. Don't do it though.

I think it is great that you got some attention. You will find some of his "friends" will come on to you in the hopes of you wanting to have a little fling to get even. He'll go nuts when he realizes this.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by new jersey:
<strong> I hear you lemonman, but do you want to be right or do you want to be married to your W.

You know you are right, but do you have it in you to let go and move foward. I cannot fault you either way. If you can't move foward with her, you have to let her go. No one would fault you-this situation stinks.

Sorry for the threadjack-I like lemonman and want him to have a happy life. I also like his POV and get it, but I think to save the marriage honey is better than vinegar. JMHO. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks for the post. I have come to grips with what my STBX-wife did and I don't love her anymore (at least the way a husband should love a wife). You see, she is a multiple occurence betrayer and I eventually lost my love for her...IT IS DEAD. SO to answer your question, it is not about being right or wrong....I don't want to be married to my wife. I think it is very hard for people to understand this on this board. I have seen people tolerate/forgive multiple betrayals, deceit, financial ruin, other children, STD's (exposure to AIDS) and yet they do all this in the name of "marriage". I think a lot of people become doormats (even though they may say differently---It is almost impossible not to when you are in a Plan A and there is continued contact). I think a lot of people use the "vows till I die" excuse and I think a lot of it is BS. Look at the extreme pain and self degrading behavior SOOOOOOO many people have been through all in the name of "winning back their wayward sposuse ". I have too much self esteem and self worth to do what a lot of people do here. Thanks for the post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S. I do not mean to denegrate people who do Plan A and tolerate all of the above in the name of their marriage. It is their choice and I am learning to try and not judge them for it.

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If it is multiple times, I can understand that. In your line of work you need to have someone at home you can count on. I would be angry if I were you.

I had no idea-yes in some cases it is better to part, and if she treats you with such disrespect then that does have to happen. I know I could not do that to my H, even though he did it to me once. You're not the lemon, she is. Hope you get some time off for yourself.

<small>[ November 15, 2004, 06:45 AM: Message edited by: new jersey ]</small>

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